My Pinch Me Please Grats

I am grateful that fear is just fear, and nothing based in reality.

I am grateful and hopeful that when my plane finally lifts off in a few (TBD) weeks, I will feel a sense of calm that comes after having prepared for something for so long.

I am grateful that somewhere a child is waiting for us and will be the right child for our family.

I am grateful that I, along with the girls (Gary can't conceptualize yet) feel love in our hearts already for the person who will fill this spot.

I am grateful that all the paperwork I have to do to finish up will be minor compared to the paperwork I did long ago.

I am grateful to have many toiletries and cold weather attire (13 degrees F anyone?) packed already.

I am grateful to have researched and selected the best video camera for our trip and beyond.

I am grateful for dreaming daily of the blind travel/selection process because I know that it mentally prepares me for what is to come.

I am grateful that my subconscious mind at least is trying to absorb this all for G-d knows, I'm still having a tough time wrapping my head around it all.

I am grateful for taking one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other.

I am grateful for support all around me.

I am grateful to overall know, that despite my fear of the unknown, it's all going to work out as planned or as life plans for us.

I am grateful this is just about a little boy.

I am grateful to know, without one iota of a doubt, this is going to be the adventure of a lifetime.

I am grateful for getting to experience two of the many ways of having a family in my life.

I am grateful that Emma and Eden talk about adopting their own children one day, as I know this will surely impact them greatly.

I am grateful that time moves slowly and fast at the same time.

I am grateful for my Family of 5, slowly but surely,making it's way into being

Fleece Freak-Out and Planning For Privacy

Last night, I had an anxiety attack of the variety where I told Gary I could not put the kids to bed, it was imperative that I run to the mall and shop for fleece. Yes, that is right. I came home with more bags of fleece things than a girl going to Kazakhstan could ever want or need to brave the cold winters there. Here is a photo of just some of the fleece that will be traveling to Kazakhstan with us. Why not make it even more fun by guessing how many times you will be seeing these items in our photos? ;-)



I guess I was shopping to allay some fears that are underlying, for certainly when one is in a dressing room trying on fleece and sweating to death, one does not think of other things except said sweat. I believe I personally have what I need (I have already preselected the 4 pairs of pants I will take) and I just want to get Eden a warmer winter jacket and a better fleece (yup) lined hat. I told Gary please make his own list because the list of to-dos that I alone have to do to care for the preparation of me, Emma and Eden is huge. Fleece seems like an inane thing to focus on when dealing with such a big excitement, but I am happy to say I honestly got a few check marks off of my To Do list last night. And when I returned after my retail therapy, I did feel a bit more calm. I also put aside 4 books that I will take on the trip. I hope that is enough as surely with only Kazakh television channels to choose from, I will do a lot of reading. It's easier to focus on packing lists and things like that as the reality of meeting a child who will become my son is too huge sometimes for me to wrap my head around. The time is here. How did I get here? And am I in a dream? By putting one foot in front of the other each day and by always doing the next indicated thing. Each step led me closer and closer to these moments. I sure hope I can calm down the day I meet him enough to be "PRESENT" -- fully, emotionally, present to remember this moment, push past the jet lag, and feel a sense of relief when they hand him to me just like the dream I keep having of a woman in white handing over a child with a round face and big cheeks. Yes, little one, it was just you I was waiting for. A reunion of sorts. Not meeting someone unknown, but very much known in my heart of hearts.

As I prepare to leave in about 4 weeks or so, I also must think about Privacy issues so at this time I would love to say hello to those who read my blog and find out who might want to follow along on my journey. I feel bad in a way going private because I don't want someone who is in my very same boots who is still sitting on the fence to bypass my story. I want to be there for others the way countless families have been there for me. I want to help someone else by inspiring them to start or complete a family through adoption -- for themselves and for the sake of all the orphans in the world who wait without a mom to tuck them in at night. Of the countless things I pray for lately (from a girl who used to worry that she had no faith) I also pray that one day my story can and will enable someone to move from their own fears and anxious thoughts to see the bigger picture, to take the chance to make adoption a beautiful and most cherished part of their lives.

I'll leave this post up for a while I think unless anything new comes, but I would love to see who would like to follow along. For those who don't have experience with a private blog, it is important for me as I'm living life out there in Kaz bonding with a new child and all that comes along with that for my whole life to not be visible to people I don't know or know of. If you have been a constant blog reader, then you have surely been my friend, so please just announce yourself and provide your email address on the comment section for this post. For those who don't have a google account and have trouble with comments, please simply sign on as Anonymous and then don't forget to include your name and email address so I can add you to the list of those who can read this future private blog. I think I'll attempt to go private in the first week of November, at which point, if you haven't given my your email address, you will not be able to read Our Journey to 5 (but of course I'll gladly add you at any time.). And surely, it's just about to get really really exciting.

I remember when I first got engaged, I didn't go into work like many people might do and shove my ringed hand in front of people and say "I'm getting married!" I did nothing of the sort, I just went about my business until a friend said "Stephanie, is that a RING on your finger! My G-d, girl, why didn't you say anything!??" Granted, my friends at home all knew because I'm great at talking individually to one person. It's the group thing that gets me when it's about myself. Talking in front of a large crowd for work or being interviewed on TV about stuff, that I actually always relished. So there is a 'ham' that lives inside this person who is loathe to make big announcements. I think by now many have gathered that I do keep things in (though I feel open on this blog format in general) but in life, I'm not a 'look at me' type of person. I don't know too many of the parents yet at Eden's school and don't even know how to say to them anything about the adoption (it always seems to be large group conversations that are going on when I arrive) and my feeling is that one day they just won't see me there. And then they'll see me weeks later with a boy in an Ergo carrier and they'll say "Who's this?" and then "Whhhyyyyy didn't you tell us??!!" Similarly, I have said nothing on Facebook to more distant or old friends yet. Since these people are not in my daily life, they don't know my normal conversations about it and I'm wondering at this point what kind of status report just to alert people. I'm uncomfortable with this stuff in a way! I don't know why. Facebook is the perfect place to keep people up to date on your life and this is the Status Report of Status Reports and it's like a huuuuuge "Look at me!!!!!" It can't be any different than announcing a pregnancy on FB and those were always met with joy. Perhaps I'm just not in the mood to answer questions, which I know will come. Does that mean I'll have to post a Facebook "Note"? ;-) But this is all good stuff. Talking about it is great. It's a boon to adoption in general, to children all over, to one person taking a chance, an inspiration to others to do the same or just be educated about it. Simply put, it's the Karp family's happy news about a new family member, a lovely little boy whose addition will make Emma and Eden the big sisters they so desire to be, and it therefore deserves mention as all good and wonderful things do. So what is my problem now, after so long keeping it in from the kids and others, that I can't just say "The Karp family proudly announces that we'll soon be a family of 5 through the blessing of international adoption. Stay tuned!" For surely, I will post photos there. You know what, that actually sounded pretty good!! I guess that is a great and simple way to put it. Anyway, just some musings of more inane things. Should file this mini-freak out next to Fleece Freak Out as "How to Expertly Worry about Facebook Status Adoption Announcements to Avoid Thinking about Packing Lists and the Precious Boy Who Waits."
Thank you, dear friends and blog readers. Your constant listening ear always does wonders for me. What would I do without you?

Most likely, spontaneously combust.

You're Where I Belong by Trisha Yearwood

Adoption inspiration ...

Please pause my playlist to hear this beautiful song.

Joy of Joys Also Known As Everything is Falling Into Place

Today, Gary came home from work and was greeted by hugging children and a kissing wife. He flipped the kids upside down with "my turn! now me!" squealed all around.

Gary said "Steph? No, forget it."

"What? No, tell me!"

Grabbing some seltzer out of the fridge he said "I've been thinking about next month .... And although I usually do hate the process and don't necessarily look forward to travel in general, I actually think I'm going to enjoy this. No work, just family. I actually think it's gonna be good."

A feeling of joy, a heat emanating from the belly spread and spread until I was covering my smiling face with my hands. It was the sentiment I have been so waiting to hear. It went hand in hand with Gary's mom's eyes welling up with tears yesterday and wishing us a lifetime of happiness. I can say I waited too long for all these joys, but no, the timing for everything has been perfect.

It's gonna be great, Gary. It is. The whole process. The joy of finding our little boy. The journey of a lifetime. An adventure in Kazakhstan. Time spent with the kids exploring, learning, even time with my brother while there, someone I haven't spent weeks with since he lived in New York with us over 20 years ago. Gary and I bonding on a new continent and bringing forth a new child into our lives. Something years ago when we said our vows we never thought we'd be doing in this manner. Discovering joys, finding our little boy, spending time in the luxury of family that only one could achieve while being on another continent away from normal everyday responsibilities. Our good friend McP was right when he said those 5 weeks with his family was one of the most wonderful times in his life.

Not to mention, having been to the Mall of America in Minnesota, the largest mall in America, the conveniences of the Mega Mall, the largest mall in Central Asia, sure will be great.

Proud to Announce Our Region Assignment .....

ALMATY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


How did I just manifest this on the video I made? The map on the last slide shows a plane going from New York City to Almaty. Wishful thinking ... or did I just help to pave the way a bit more for us to meet our son?

It looks like we are going to travel in mid-November after all. Looks like my tickets to see Billy Elliott on Broadway with my mom will have to be enjoyed by my dad. Looks like Thanksgiving will be in Kazakhstan, and what a joyous one it will be. Looks like I'm about to be beside myself as the whole house is sleeping and I just found out the news via email because Julie saw my announcement video and didn't want to wait until morning!!

Looks like my dreams are coming true!!

Looks like this is actually happening!

Looks like I'd better pinch myself!

Looks like I'd better start finding out more about Almaty!

Looks like this is actually happening!

Looks like I will finally see the inside of the famous Ramstore, which I've been reading about for years.

Looks like the timing is perfect as Carolyn, Henry, Lea and Dylan visited today and we spoke about travel and plans with Gary.

Looks like it was such a sweet relief to tell Gary's family in earnest and have the children tell them today and share the video to absolutely amazing responses!

Looks like I am going to start dusting off my suitcases and getting my act together to prepare my home for a baby.

Looks like I'd better get my camera fixed or a new one ASAP!!

Looks like I won't be able to sleep tonight!!!!

Looks like I am going to Almaty next month to meet our son!!!

Steph

The Cat is Out of the Bag!!! Emma and Eden Know!!!

Please pause my soundtrack playlist at the bottom of the blog to hear this most joyful video. Pardon the poor cinematography - Gary was manning two video cameras. This family doesn't take chances when it comes to documenting our lives, even though this video suffered a bit as a result ;-)

Background Music: When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman

Gratefulicious

I am grateful for a home that is getting more uncluttered every day. Action steps daily towards seeing more surfaces.

I am grateful for ... dare I say it ... admitting this might be a nesting instinct.

I am grateful for tomorrow's plans to tell Emma and Eden the good news ... having no gimmicks, just facts and excitement, but knowing it will come out as it was meant to.

I am grateful to be only a calendar flip away.

I am grateful for realities, fears, emotions, sadness, fear, worry, fear, worry, fear, worry, happiness, happiness, happiness feelings which let me know I'm so close.

I am grateful to feel hopeful that it will work out (for everyone) exactly as it was meant to.

I am grateful for wonderful friends who are like family.

I am grateful for a long visit today with my two college roomies -- for extreme comfort, for our children playing together, for hardy mums and large pumpkins at a great price.

I am grateful for an experience which prepared me, broke me open, humbled me, softened me, strengthened me.

I am grateful for hearing Gary talking on the phone planning with a work related situation for when we are out of the country.

I am grateful for finding and seeing an unbelievable homeopathic practitioner right in Park Slope, for her intuition and knowledge and for the most in-depth "doctor" visit I have ever had in my life which ended with an acupuncture session based on our 1.5 hour health discussion.

I am grateful for her "seeing" my imbalance of energy and knowing exactly what needs to be done to bring me to a normal level going forward, especially for my growing family.

I am grateful for always seeking opportunities and assistance outside of the box.

I am grateful for company tomorrow forcing me to clean, clean, clean!

I am grateful for my family of four - for all that I am, all that I have and all that is most certain to be.

I am grateful, in advance, for a healthy, attached, bonded, joyous family of five.

I am grateful for a tiny photo I ripped out of a magazine that will be my portable vision board for what might be ... I'm looking at it right now and my heart is smiling.

Here are some photos from 9.9.09 -- First day of school for Emma (Day 2 for Eden) and also my 37th birthday in which I made a very special wish for all that is most important to me.