Trains, Cousins and Friends, Oh My!

Emma and Eden on the way to Manhattan via the Q train on Saturday. What a treat for them! Eden sporting her signature style -- colors and prints galore!
Emma is thrilled to be a "straphanger" if only for a day! We usually drive into the city so it was a treat for me too to relax during the ride in to Grand Central Station terminal to visit with our cousins.

Watching the NYC skyline as the train approaches the island of Manhattan was and always will be an exciting visual upon approach, despite the changed landscape.
Skyline and Brooklyn Bridge in distance.
Eden has had it with the Flash while cousin Michelle from Georgia and Emma still smile pretty.
On the ride home with some purchases in hand.

Strike a pose!


Emma, Maya and Eden -- lifelong friends!

A very busy but extremely fun day enjoyed by all!

Grateful List

I am grateful for a quiet day yesterday and today and for not pushing my limits.

I am grateful I cooked a nice dinner early last night and everyone was cozy in PJs by 5:30 pm, with faces washed and guitars practiced. It was the perfect chilly day for this.

I am grateful for being able to attend the kids' Thanksgiving parties in the next couple of days.

I am grateful for a lovely letter (and gift) written by Julie, our adoption coordinator sharing her thoughts about our delay and saying she knows it will be worth it in the end.

I am grateful for realizing my limits and taking it easy because for too long I was going non-stop. I am grateful for this respite.

I am grateful for time spent at home, much appreciated and much needed.

I am grateful for READING so much -- as I have found books that entice me so much I get into bed earlier to read.

I am grateful for well behaved kids (appreciating and acknowledging when it happens!)

I am grateful for de-cluttering and throwing out JUNK -- now the kids can actually do art at the art table. What a novel idea!

I am grateful for health and the health of my family and friends.

I am grateful for the help and companionship of my parents.

I am grateful for a wonderful circle of family and friends who I genuinely enjoy spending time with.

I am grateful for amazing life long friendships that are my support system and wonderful opportunities for new friendships.

I am grateful that I overheard my kids talking about what they are grateful for and they both said "I am grateful for Baby Brother." I am grateful they include him in everything we talk about about our family. He is a valued part of our family already.

I am grateful there is a genuine love for this boy who we have yet to meet.

I am grateful for having FAITH -- yes, I absolutely have it now.

I am grateful to know that it is all in God's time and soon enough my already packed suitcases will be brought out from the basement and we'll be ready to rock and roll.

I am grateful for my family of five, slowly but surely, steadily and consistently, lovingly and absolutely, crazily and kook-ily, coming into being.

I am grateful for this upcoming Thanksgiving with family -- and an opportunity to pause and realize I feel GRATEFUL and THANKFUL for something most every day (except when I'm cranky) and this is a wonderful opportunity to share it.

I am grateful for all of you!

Growing Pride, Unpacking and a Huge Thank You!

Gary just shared with me that he has gotten and has been getting such amazing feedback from clients when he had told them last week that he'd be "out of commission for three weeks." Their initial thought was "Back surgery?" But when he began telling people he'd be out of the country for international adoption, he was met with delight, wonder and "I've always wanted to do that!" I think he loves this now!! He's proud to tell people! Today he said to me "We would have been in Kaz now one week!"

This, perhaps, was another great outcome of our delay. Time for him to really sink his teeth into this and get very comfortable.

I have finally decided to unpack my clothing today so I can finally vary my wardrobe.

A special thank you to my dear friend Jen is in order as she has donated many fantastic gently used and in excellent condition toys to me which I will bring for the bonding and then *leave there* for other children in the baby house to play with. This will free up an entire suitcase for me to purchase Kaz souvenirs. Mini yurts and camels, anyone?

Now, this is another great outcome of our delay. Time for me to really sort out how to best pack my belongings, making sure that should our driver have a very small car, we will actually be able to fit the luggage.

I saw my friends' beautiful newborn baby. Tomorrow I get to enjoy a beautiful Broadway show with my mom. Plans with cousins this weekend and friends going forward. Thanksgiving and Chanukah around the corner. I love the holiday season and I'm happy to not miss it.

I have been told that the earliest I will travel is in January. Will the Real Baby Boy Karp please stand up? I'm sure he will when the time is right.

Since I often talk about roller coaster analogies in my adoption process, I think our coaster car has stalled at the apex and technicians are figuring out the issues and are talking about when the ride can resume. For now, we can get off the ride but won't have to wait too long to get right back in queue at the appropriate time.

Thank you so very much everyone for your amazing love and support! I'm relaxed and settled and enjoying reading the travel blogs of my dear blog friends who are traveling to meet their children. I'm doing well here in my corner of the world .... just waiting a bit longer to get to his.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I had made no plans for all of November and some of December. My calendar was a wide open blank slate of dates and experiences that would never need to be filled in. I would have spent that time in Kazakhstan in some sort of alternate universe of days that blended into others, time spent with a new child, while life back at home went on as usual. A parallel life of sorts for what would amount to be really a few short weeks of our lives.

But, alas, I am here and no dates to travel yet at all. Likely 2010. I will not unpack just yet, but it's time to move my bags away from the front door and up to the attic. I can not keep looking at them. It's time to at least take out my favorite jeans. It's time to take my airplane snacks out of my carry on bags and eat them.

It's time to stop saying "I'm not supposed to be here, this is like bonus time!" because the truth is, this *is* exactly where I am supposed to be now. This is not a "pretend" life -- these days are real and they count. I wasn't supposed to attend a few upcoming weekend activities with the kids, but now I will be able to. I wasn't supposed to be here for Thanksgiving -- we were supposed to have a "second" Thanksgiving at my parents house when I returned. But now, I will be here and there will be no need for a duplicate. I wasn't supposed to see my friends' baby until she was over a month old, but now I will see her as a newborn. I wasn't supposed to be going to see Billy Elliott with my mom on Wednesday, but now I am. I wasn't supposed to be here in my house tonight watching TV with my parents. I wasn't supposed to be having a family day tomorrow visiting Gary's family. I wasn't supposed to be here to see the completion of the brick work in front of my house. I wasn't supposed to have a guitar lesson this Tuesday which I am going to call to schedule, because HERE I AM and likely will be for weeks.

I am happy to be here to experience and do these things. The shock is wearing off and my days go on as usual. I am actually enjoying my children very much this week feeling as if, after all my running around in high speed mode, time opened up for me and the time I have been spending with them is more relaxed and slow and organized and routine. But at the same time, I am deflated. Not depressed, not sad, but just .... pfffftt (imagine sound a blown up balloon makes when you let go and it flies around the room.)

Some friends and family emailed or called and asked me how I was doing a few days after the news and the shock of not getting on the plane wore off. I appreciate the compassion because you know what, this is a huge disappointment, one that likely I brushed off too quickly, trying to be all "flipping it around." I can honestly say I am handling it extremely well and generally *do* have a great attitude because I know this just wasn't the time to go, there are reasons beyond my knowledge and understanding and one day I will know why we were delayed. But yet I do feel a little out of sorts. The quicker we get there, the quicker we become a family to a little boy, the quicker our family finds its missing piece, the quicker my girls get to see the face of the brother they tell me they already love.

I've never been so close to anything before -- the proverbial precipice was a plane ride away, and then to have something, the idea of something, the journey, a child, pulled away from you with no definite timeline set forth. It's disconcerting, to say the least. It's absolutely unequivocally par for the course, and totally expected in the adoption world. But yet, I am still just a girl wanting to finally hold my baby.

Soon soon soon dear boy .... twisted red threads and all, we're coming for you soon.

My Eye on the Prize Grateful List

I am grateful for support all around me.

I am grateful to be right here on my very comfortable couch.

I am grateful for letting go to the powers that be.

I am grateful for lunch with my mom today that wasn't originally supposed to happen, time with my daughters today, visit from friends and a dinner with my family of four - all that wasn't supposed to happen. Or ... I guess it was supposed to happen.

I am grateful that somewhere a miracle is working and is the reason behind us not being in Kazakhstan at this point in time or this week at all or any defined time.

I am grateful and hopeful that for no matter how long it takes until we are united, one day we will be holding and loving Baby Boy Karp.

I am grateful that there is hope.

I am grateful that I am completely packed and ready to go and when the time comes for us to go (providing it is still winter time) I will have everything ready and packed and won't need to change a thing out of my suitcases.

I am grateful for not losing hope.

I am grateful for patience and calm.

I am grateful for my grateful lists that remind me of how far I have come.

I am grateful for my family of 5, slowly but surely, lovingly and carefully, miraculously and powerfully, coming into being.

I am grateful for never ever ever giving up on the miracle!!

The Waiting

Do you know we were actually supposed to leave today?

And then we were rescheduled to leave Friday?

But for now, as I type this, with my bags ready by the door and me more ready than I have ever been, I sit and wait. And, since news this morning, will now likely wait for an indeterminate time. The path to our son has not been clearly delineated and while I feel deflated physically and mentally to have had such advanced adrenaline coursing through my veins for a few weeks and then for it to whoosh out of me, I do very very much know that this is part of the blind adoption process and I do very very much know that each step does bring us closer to our soon to be baby brother. I do feel relieved to have more relaxed time with my children, and time to wait in the comfort of my home while the path to Baby Boy becomes more clear, to sleep in my own bed, as I know this luxury is not often the case. In other instances, I would be waiting in a hotel on the other side of the big blue marble for Baby Boy Karp to make his presence known.

Even Gary said "You're kidding? I was actually ready to go."

Little one, we're ready to leave at a moments notice to come to be united with you! Hang tight just a little while longer!! The best is yet to come.

Love,
Mommy

Warm At Last!

I almost didn't go with Gary to buy his jacket which means we almost didn't have a wonderful joyful experience TOGETHER where the owner of the shop found out that we were adopting, shook our hands, joyously told us his own sister was adopted and then said "10% off your whole order! You're adopting!" Well, it was almost like a baby shower ;-)

Interestingly, my dear husband Gary was sharing all sorts of information about Kazakhstan and the 3 trip process and the weather and the length of trip and ... get this, how good of a thing he thinks this is. I thought and hoped and prayed all this would come about once in Kaz, but by gosh, it's happening here already.

Then, leaving the store, he grabbed my hand to cross the street as he happily pulled me across. THIS IS MY DEAR HUSBAND!

Final Apostilles Packed in Carry on Bag

Yesterday I spent 3 hours with my dad going to our local notary (thanks Peggy and Devorah!), driving to downtown Brooklyn and then over the Brooklyn Bridge to downtown Manhattan to go to the various county and state offices of New York, including the Supreme Court building, to pass through metal detectors and then notarize, certify, authenticate and apostille my Final Adoption Paperwork. I was a nervous wreck as we were supposed to do part of it yesterday and part today but my dad said "let's do it all today because tomorrow is the Yankees parade in Downtown Manhattan" where we needed to be and no way would we want to be there with the extra million people heading into the city to participate. However, due to having some wrong birth certificates (I mistakenly brought the short form instead of long form), I was sent back to another office building through more lines of people and metal detectors where $95 and 45 minutes later, I had what I needed. That extra time, however, was the clincher because the final stop, the office where I would get the apostilles, closed at 3:30. I was running through the city streets with a folder of "my life" under my arms trying to reach my dad who was parked a few blocks away but it was 3:29 when I finally got in my father's car to go to 123 William Street, which was about 10 blocks away. Too late, we just headed home, knowing I would take a train back to Manhattan in the morning and brave the Yankees ticker tape parade traffic.

All's well that ends well. I was gone about 2.5 hours and I just got home with Apostilles in hand and it was not too bad at all. I passed crowds of banner waving screaming fans but I didn't have far to walk to get back into the bowels of the city subway system where, with my folder firmly held to my chest, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you Dad for helping me -- you have been instrumental in this process. I love you!!

Today my mom is coming over so we can go over the girls' schedules and so that I can teach her how to use Skype. She helped me by picking up Eden so that I could take my time getting the Apostilles. Thank you mom for making today easy on me!!! I love you!!

Because Gary still didn't buy his own jacket and past history has shown me that every single thing I buy him, he returns, I decided to make it easier on him by writing him a very neat and succinct packing list where I actually checked off and noted all the things I have already packed for him (toiletries and medications and various needs.) I have already loaded over 9 hours of music for him (Sinatra and Willie Nelson and The Beatles and Tony Bennett) onto my new iPod Touch for him. What a gadget! I bought him books to read but he made me return all 5 of them because he didn't like my selections -- he's not a reader but I'm just trying to help him avoid any boredom so I thought these autobiographies would be good. Another reason why I just need him to buy his jacket already. He has long arms because he's almost 6'4" so he really needs to be the one trying on his stuff. Anyhoo, as Regina said, it just takes him going into one store. Problem is, today is Friday and he gets home about 11 pm on Friday nights. And he works from 9am to 3am (yes, AM) on Saturdays and on Sunday, he will be home at 7pn from his showcase. He has no time. We might be leaving Monday or Tuesday. I don't even know yet.

Hmmm.... I guess I will buy him his jacket after all. Saturday perhaps.

I just needed to vent. All will be good. This is just about packing, the nonsense of it.

I'm talking about a little boy ... the HEART of it.

When I was pregnant with Emma, Gary bought me a small Elsa Peretti "bean" necklace from Tiffany's because I used to call what was in my belly a tiny growing bean. It symbolized growth to me, and according to the Tiffany's website, the bean is the "origin of all things." I wore the necklace as a new mom and for many years and I put it back on when I was pregnant with Eden and as a new mom to her. Yesterday, I found the necklace and placed it around my neck to wear for the duration of our adoption process and beyond. And, this morning when my mom saw it, she cried.

Reflections

I have spent the last two days reading over my blog from Day 1. It seems so clear now, the trajectory my life was taking. I am so grateful I had the notion to begin this blog over two years ago when I was not yet decided, had so many unknowns, still had much to teach my husband about the forgotten children. But there was a passion and conviction and dedication, even to the process of research, that was evident right away. People say I am brave or courageous. I don't feel brave or courageous at all. I am as nervous and scared as the next person about this new experience. But the same way someone might be nervous about going away to college. No one would ever say "You are so brave to venture to the unknown!" The college goer is scared like anyone else but just following through with the next chapter of his life. It is a known fact that college is his next chapter and he packs his bags and sets off for a new experience. I feel that way about myself. This is simply the next chapter of my life. An unknown but my own path. I am not afraid in the sense that makes me feel -- wow, look at me, I feel the fear and I just do it anyway. I am simply following what feels like a magnetic pull that requires no thought, but simply putting one foot in front of the other for the purpose of bringing our child home into a FAMILY. This is the end result, what I always wanted. Kim said I don't feel brave about this because this is just my "make-up" and I'm doing what I am supposed to do. Does one feel brave when they follow their calling or do they just put one foot in front of the other? I am also amazed when I read back over the two years how moved and touched Gary was by adoption and the children during some moments in these past few years. I am now more confident than ever that his heart will open up while there and something in his brain will shift. And then, the way stories often go, one day he'll regale people with stories about the time he tried to convince me to adopt a baby. And you know what, I'll look over at him and smile, will bite my tongue and just let him tell "his" story.

Packing and Getting Ready

I am wiped out!

My adrenaline was on overdrive for now what is about a week, and literally, my body is conking out. I told Emma and Eden yesterday I was going upstairs to rest for 20 minutes. It was 5:15 pm. I wound up sleeping for 3.5 hours, sleeping through what would have been their dinner time (!!!), sleeping through Gary's arrival home and his feeding them and putting them to bed. I would have slept longer had the phone not rung. I am bone tired. Mentally exhausted ... but yet, keeping my eye on the prize.

Thankfully, I am organized -- a nice beginning portion of my bags are packed, and what is packed is labeled with each item in it in my little notebook, with a notation for how many pounds the bag is. There is still clothes to pack, technology to organize, Amazon.com shipments to wait for, homeopathic remedies still to arrive to keep us flu and parasite free while there, and other technological and electrical needs to purchase. But it feels doable now, albeit still rushed.

I have gotten wonderful packing lists from blog friends so I am going over them with a fine tooth comb.

Gary has not yet packed, not yet bought his winter coat or hat or any long sleeve shirts. He's in denial, what am I gonna do? The past has shown me that he always comes through in the end.

This weekend is super busy for him work-wise. He will work a 7 day week, as he has parties on Saturday and a HUGE show case on Sunday, which at this rate, he'll likely be at. He'll be so happy as it's important for him to be there to generate more business for the coming months.

Will this weekend be the last weekend I spend with my daughters for almost a month? Likely. I want to be finished by Friday, I need to focus on family time this weekend. Based on original dates, I keep thinking I'm leaving on Monday, but who knows. I have heard nothing definite yet. I think Emma is getting nervous as our pending departure looms ahead. She was supposed to get a habit breaker at the orthodontist today -- a device that would be part of her mouth for 9 months to prevent night time thumbs to wander there. I cancelled the appointment -- The girl might very well need her thumb while we're gone and no way will I prevent that. If I sucked my thumb, I'd need it now too. (That's why I keep eating the Halloween candy, I guess.)

Thursday I am going to get my hand carry documents notarized.

Friday, my dear dad takes me into Manhattan once again for our final trip before I leave for Kaz to get the paperwork sealed with the Apostille. I remember long ago over the summer when we did this I told him I'd need him one more time to help me and that it would be right before our trip. It felt far away, like I would never arrive at this place.

I feel surreal. And I recall Katherine telling me that waiting for the Director of the Baby House to come out, she couldn't believe it was really real. And I recall Steve and KJ's post stating that when their seat belts are buckled on the plane, there would be this rush of relief that all they had planned and prepared for was behind them, and the rest was just about the child. And I recall McP telling me that while on the plane, he got his head in the game because there was a child there waiting and they were the only ones who'd be able to be there for this child going forward. And I recall the gentle retelling of how they met their children over and over by Carolyn and Lea so that I'll be prepared for my own adoption story and all that the journey entailed. And I recall the moment I met Henry for the first time and my joy at seeing how Emma and Eden responded to him and continue to do so to this day. And Catalina and her dear children Yulia and Gabi coming to visit me 10 days after they arrived in America and my eyes flooding with tears. And so many moms whose blogs I have read and spoken to on the phone as friends, including Sara and Regina and Amanda and Julie. And Heather, with her wise ways, who long ago told me that I must give my husband time and never to push, that it would all work out as it was meant to. And countless moms who shared emails and stories and posted such encouragement for me over the two years since I began my blog and never was sure what the outcome would be. And Colleen who led me to JHA (now WHAL) in such a wonderful way. And Julie, along with the whole With Hope and Love team, who has held my hand and guided me so well to this place. And my Mom, who already cries thinking about her grandson.

On this journey, I take you all with me. I would never have been able to get this far without your support and love. I am so very grateful!

Steph

Click Click Click Click Click Click

This is the sound of my roller coaster car at the pinnacle ... I am so very close.

This week has been a whirlwind ... Despite a fellow blog reader thinking she saw me and my family in Frankfurt this week, no, that was not me. We are still here in Brooklyn busy as bees getting ready for this journey. The adrenaline in my system, which literally rendered me incapable of speaking or thinking clearly for two days when I was first told I'd be traveling in 7 days, has lessened. My palms have stopped sweating, Gary and I have stopped bickering, my throat has stopped catching, I have stopped crying in the shower, and my heart has returned to a normal rhythm. The fact that we'd soon be leaving to meet a child has not been a surprise as we've been planning for this for so long. So I never expected a physical reaction like I had when we were told we'd be going soon. It caught me off guard. I was amazed that Gary appeared so very calm and told him so. He replied "I'm not calm or anxious. I have not been thinking about it at all. I guess I'm just in a state of denial." Hence the appearance of calm! Of course every last minute thing that needs to be done has not been handled by Gary, but by me. The only job I have given to Gary is to buy his own winter coat and hat and order us a portable DVD player. Aside from signing the paperwork and signing off on Visas, I have given Gary minimal work, meaning all pressure lies on me but it's what I know is best in this situation as he prepares to leave his business for 3 weeks, and all the preparation that involves. I am exercising my "make things happen" and "decision-making" muscles, big time!

The Consulate of Kazakhstan called me this morning and my visas will be arriving tomorrow. My bags are packed haphazardly and will be organized tonight. Last night I spent time at Target buying toys and books and Gerber Puffs for our baby bonding visits. How old will Baby Boy be? Will he play with the balls I bought or the teething rings? Will I soon see fat pudgy fingers on the Karen Katz board books I have bought? I will also bring along some of Emma and Eden's favorite board books. I also bought Boggle, Checkers and Chess for me and Gary.

So, Expect the UnExpected motto. It has already reared its head. My dear daughters will officially not be joining us on this trip. My brother Brian, who has been set to travel with us for so long, is no longer able to leave on the earlier dates that now lie before us. Has the fact that our caregiver is no longer available been a blessing in disguise? Perhaps. I sure hope so. The original intended 7 days Until Travel has been changed to 10 Days Until Travel. But as of today, that likely means 8 more days here. My brother works in LA in the television field and has a huge project going on that would render him unable to join us all out in Kaz until about 4 or 5 days after Gary and I arrived with the children. This didn't make sense for us as it was the first week that I felt I needed the care for the girls as we went through the matching process and all the potential stress involved. Other travel and caregiver options were offered to try to make this work, but after much angst and decision making, Gary and I officially decided that we will shoulder on and proceed with all we need to as a united front of two while in Kaz. I mourn the loss of all I imagined -- that my "journey to 5" would complete itself while in Kaz, that my dear sensitive daughter Emma would get to experience a life unknown to her and begin the comprehension of the life lived by her brother in an orphanage, that my brother, a guy funny as heck, would lessen our stress, regale us with stories, and build stories with us about "the time we all spent together in Kazakhstan", that our family of 5 would bond together, that we'd spend time with the children and I'd finally make use of all the Trip Advisor research I did with my lists of "Things to Do with Children in Kazakhstan." Bowling at the Mega Mall, rocking climbing and ice skating, play centers, walks in town, but most importantly, the JOY of seeing my three children together for the first time in the land of our son's birth.

I have learned to just go with the Flow. I have learned to Give Up and Let it Go. I have learned that there must be plans in store for us. I originally hoped for a larger city because I'd be traveling with my children. Now we are going to Almaty, THE largest city, but we won't have the children with us. Perhaps the fact that we needed to make this arrangement in anticipation of the kids coming was actually leading us to where we needed to be to meet our son -- in Almaty. Likely, given the fact that my sweet little Eden is prone to melt downs and exhaustion at times, the fact that we are traveling alone will make it so much easier on us. Do I feel sad? Will I feel bereft of my family for so long? Without a doubt. Will I bond with my husband in the way I hoped to bond with my entire family for three weeks, in a way I have not bonded for likely 11 years of marriage or more? Yes, as well. Gary and I will clearheadedly go through the "birth" of our new family as a focused, united team. This much I know is true.

As the days get closer and I prepare my hand carry documents and accomplish all I need to for this big journey, I never forget that there is a little boy on the other side of this journey who is waiting for a family. This is the end goal and this is the part that will light up our lives.

I am grateful for my brother who tried so hard to make this work and who offered so many other options to make life easier for us. I am grateful for his continued looking out for us and our ease of travel.

I am so very grateful to my parents who stepped in to watch Emma and Eden, enabling them to continue to go to school and do their activities, who will provide love and care and essential a "Camp Grandma and Poppa" experience.

I am grateful for Gary's sister and mom who will visit the kids and likely take them back to New Jersey for a weekend or two to provide a needed break for my parents and provide Emma and Eden with some other aspect of their three weeks to look forward to.

I am grateful for dear friends who helped me with my computer technology yesterday for over 2 hours which will enable me to carry on while in Kazakhstan.

I am grateful for the friends who have offered to watch Emma and Eden while I get ready here and have time to finish up my packing.

I am so very grateful for the love and support all around me.

I am so very grateful to feel blessed that my journey will be safe and free from harm.

I am grateful for my Family of 5, quickly and assuredly, coming into being.