Surreal

It's been almost ten months of working towards this moment, one I sometimes thought might never come. Tomorrow, I gather our papers and head to the local notary. Next week, we apostille and then ... with a kiss and a prayer, I send my legal documents off into the world. It will all be out of my hands then and I will wait ... and I know the waiting will be swift, as time seems to travel so quickly these days.

Where does the time go? In one month, Emma will turn 7. When she hugs me, her body is strong, thick, all angles and hard muscle. Today we were play fighting on the floor and she pushed me over with not too much of a struggle, and I felt the body of a teenager to come. When did Emma come to inhabit this new body? Where did her little round face go, her curly hair that was gone with just one quarter inch trim during one salon visit when she was just four?

Eden is still so soft and mushy, and soon that too will go. How can you hold on to that? Best way I know is to be present to my moments, to take lots of photos and to write, write, write. I write to remember. I write to be remembered too.

Goodnight all!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all my friends -- moms and moms yet to be and moms at heart, and those who know and have known the love of a mother! I usually don't put much value on Hallmark inspired holidays but this Mother's Day was relaxing and special. My daughters were so excited over the course of the week to bestow upon me a deluge of handcrafted doodads that symbolized their love. I now understand why my mother saved so many of the cards I made for her over the years. These handcrafted sentiments, painstakingly thought about and written and colored, did really make me feel loved by my two precious daughters. I am very lucky to be their mom. I took the day slowly, no rushing, and enjoyed spending it with Gary's family. It did not go unnoticed by me that next year, G-d willing, in the very same restaurant we enjoyed today or one very similar to it, I will be sitting next to a dark haired (or blond, who knows?) little boy in a booster seat breaking up bits of chicken and soft veggies for him to enjoy.

In the car ride out to New Jersey, I began a conversation with the whole family about the possibility of a brother. Though I haven't announced to the girls yet, we certainly do have open dialog about adoption and possibilities. They believe it is a decision still to be made and I discuss it as if they and their values are all part of the process of building our family. The girls talk about the idea of it with me but they never (ever!) bring it up to Gary. I think they know he's still hanging onto that middle area of the fence, not sure which way he teeters. With me, it's a safe conversation. Emma and Eden are both remarkable with babies about one year old. They assured Gary they would love a brother as much as they love Tyler and Henry and I know that Gary would do anything to make them happy. And it appeared he did like to hear how much they desire this new member of our family. He obviously was ready for adoption in the way that we have proceeded as far as we have. But, and I can understand this, it's still so mind boggling to him for us to have taken this amazing leap of faith to build our family in this way!

In the restaurant, no one brought up the adoption to me even though in my own head, I was surely thinking about it. It's been 10 months since we first announced that we were sending in our initial application, and just a few weeks after that was the last time anyone asked me how it's going. I suspect our dedication to this is questioned. When our dossier is fully complete (in two weeks or so) we will make an official and joyous announcement. For now, however, I enjoyed a beautiful holiday with my family. Enjoying my cup of coffee, with my celebratory waitress given rose on my lap ;-), I said a private little prayer in my heart for our baby boy across the ocean who has yet to know how hard we are working to bring him home.

I want to say a special thank you to my mother for being the kind of mother she is. I am continually surprised by people in my life who are themselves surprised by how much I enjoy my mother's company. I think I got very lucky as my mother is someone with whom I would choose as a friend, had I met her in the street or at a mom's group, were we peers back in the day. But I am lucky to be much closer than that to my mother, as the love we share and the closeness and familiarity is one I value as one of the greatest blessings of my life. And it is what I strive to carry on with my own daughters ... and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it. Mom, thank you for being such a special person in my life -- for all that you taught me about mothering, unconditional love and support and about being a friend. You are a spectacular woman!

Blessings to all the moms and children out there today! And a very special Mother's Day wish to Lea and Dylan, home together at last!

Steph

Eden as Little Orphan Annie

The little ladies and I have been listening to Broadway's Original Annie soundtrack, gearing up for a local production heading our way on May 17. It will be Eden's first "bigger girl" show -- we'll see how she does as I look forward to soon taking her to her first Broadway show. I think 5 is probably a good age for that. The shows are so lengthy -- not to mention, costly. You gotta really make sure it's the right time. I was 8 when I saw my first Broadway show -- in fact, it was Annie and I remember being mesmerized. We've been listening to the soundtrack a lot and lately "Tomorrow" is Eden's most requested bedtime song. Even as I belt and strain towards the high notes (a singer, I am not), she tells me "Mommy, you are such a good singer!" Wow, unconditional love at its' best.
Here is Eden singing a bit from Annie with all the fervor and passion of a 4 year old.

Please pause my playlist at the bottom of the blog page before playing. Enjoy!

so close, so close!!

With extreme caution, I just opened up a manila envelope delivered on this rainy New York day from the US Department of Justice Federal Bureau of Investigation in Clarksburg, WV. My fingerprints were finally approved!!! However, no sign of Gary's, which is unusual as each time our prints were rejected (or approved the one time (before they expired), the envelopes (separate for each of us) always arrived on the same day. I'll see what the next day or two brings, hopefully happy news so that we can proceed. Still a few steps to go until the dossier is complete, but soo sooo sooo close, I can already taste the horse meat.

PS Just spoke to FBI Customer Service in West Virginia. Gary's prints were indeed PROCESSED. They were sent out 3 days after my envelope, so they are coming with positive results!!

PPS About an hour after I found out that Gary's mailing was a few days behind mine, I left my house to see more mail stuffed into my mailbox. It was a manilla envelope, soaking wet as if it had been dropped on the ground on this rainy day and found by someone perhaps. Mail does not come twice a day to my house. Well, as hoped, it was Gary's approved FBI records! We are set to go!

Now, it's time to complete all my third party "to-dos" which include finalizing Bank statements, letter from accountant re: finances and mortgage and getting our medical forms signed. I will soon be at the stage where I am looking at my stack of legal paperwork before me. This labor of love. Simply papers ... or are they? I believe these papers and my collection of them over these long months will stand for dedication, perseverence, unwavering FAITH, conviction, stick-to-itiveness. Inches thick, this stack of papers stands for a new family ready to be born.

Eden turns 4!

On April 28th, my Eden celebrated her 4th birthday. In fact, it was three days of parties that heralded her arrival at this much anticipated new year.

Happy birthday, dear sweet Eden -- my little girl who still loves Elmo and Mickey and Dora, who loves to help with laundry and the dishwasher, who loves birdhouses, who still has baby fat that I love to squeeze, who nurtures her many many babies, who loves Big Sister Emma, who wears pajamas to school because nothing fits and who loves her Mama even though she's already told me that she'd rather live with Grandma but I can call her on the phone when I miss her. Here are a few images of the day.