Keep the Faith

The truth? I am having a tough time maintaining the image of our son in my mind. Nothing's happening. No paperwork has been approved yet. We are still months away from a complete home study, and even MORE months away from the all important I171. I am not giving up, let me assure you. But the belief that one day this will happen for us too, even in the face of others moving ahead with wonderful news and progress that should give hope, is hard to maintain. It feels very removed right now, but perhaps this is par for the course. I'm not just waiting post paperwork in that "paper pregnancy" stage knowing and assuming what my status is, I'm simply wondering constantly if our paperwork is lost or rejected and will ever move us forward at all. What will be happening in our lives on Dec. 22, 2009? How will my thoughts have changed, and at what stage will we be then? Thankfully, I have lots to be grateful for, and much joy to celebrate this holiday season, that resurfaces more with each word I type now. It's okay to feel down once in a while. I can see it's part of the emotional roller coaster of international adoption, and at its' very base stage. What other twists and dips and soaring heights are to come? It's okay that today was one filled with disappointments and frustrations. The point is that I have the ability to flip it around, to come out on top, to feel gratitude for all that I hold in my life right now. For all that is, in time, yet to be.

Emma put it best yesterday, in the dark car driving home from Gary's mother's Hanukkah celebration. Unprovoked, she asked "You know what my favorite gift is? Mommy, Daddy and Eden." And that is what I hold dear at the times when I feel like a big poop.

Recurring Dream

I have been reminded lately of a recurring dream that I used to have when I was a child, maybe 9 or 10. In the middle of the night, I would hear a baby crying outside the front door. When I went to the door, there was a baby, swaddled in blankets and wrapped in a small wicker basket, waiting for me to take him inside. Once inside, I, in all of my ten years, would proceed to care for this baby as if this baby was always my own. I think, in my dreams, I did have thoughts of "how did this baby get here" and "what should I do" and "should I wake my parents and call the police", but there were also huge feelings of peacefullness and joy knowing that this baby was seemingly sent just for me. In the dreams, and in my young age, I don't recall thinking of birth parents and the ramifications of a baby being left for me in this manner. In the dream, I remember feeling like I had just received a gift.

Has anyone else ever had dreams like this?

I also had one other recurring dream in my life of various men chasing me through subway tunnels with guns. I'm assuming that one is not a foreshadow of anything!

Greetings on a Rainy Night

The rain is pelting down on my attic sky light. I like the sound. I've got a mess around me of organization. A dichtomy of thoughts. Perhaps I took out much more than could be put back in. I have photo boxes out with mounds of photos finally being sorted but still in disarray. I finally have clear carpet in my attic and in Emma's room where, once, there were bins and piles of last season's clothing. Tonight, I found a few more outfits worn by Emma and Eden as babies that made me quickly kiss them before I set them in the donation pile. I found a onesie with blue bears that I had once bought for Eden thinking it was so cozy looking and the blue would match her eyes. I remember ultimately not putting Eden in it because it felt too boyish. Perhaps it was a boy's onesie. So, tonight, I set it aside for my little one to be. A hand me down of sorts, from his big sister. Or, perhaps meant for him all along.

Last week, we received a lovely gift from our agency (JHA) -- an afghan purchased from Afghans for Orphans. I had just recently been thinking of the afghan my grandmother had made for my children long before I had even gotten married. She had arthritis and her fingers could still crochet and she wanted me to have it then for my future children. Emma and Eden were both wrapped in it when they were born. I sometimes think of how both my grandmothers would have loved to have played with my children. What would they think of the venture we have embarked on? They enter my mind so often -- my world holds so many reminders of those I have held dear. The blanket I received reminded me of my Grandma Betty -- her work, the colors, the attention to detail. It was a touching reminder of special people in our lives who sometimes mysteriously seem to appear again in unexpected ways.

Last week my second round of fingerprints were sent in and I'm crossing our fingers that these get approved. Everything else has been on hold for our dossier until our Homestudy finally gets completed and we have the I171. I have sort of taken on the mind set of "Release and Let Go!" about the anxiety that I had been feeling about timing. I know there are plans greater than I could make and therefore, I'm just waiting and going with the flow. Thankfully, holiday shopping has been keeping me quite busy and the days do seem to pass by in way that reminds me of calendar pages being torn off and blowing into the wind. As I go through the toy aisles during my shopping days, I think of things I'd like to one day buy for our little boy. When we meet him, what is that one toy that will come in to save the day and symbolize the joy that we can bring? What is the simple toy that will make him engage with us, make him smile? What can Emma and Eden offer him and feel like Big Sisters doing so? Such are my thoughts as I stroll through the aisles.

Happy Holiday Planning to all!
SK