Ready to be Big Sisters

Emma at 5.5 years and Eden at 2.5

Emma at almost 4 years, Eden at 11 months. I remember this moment like it was yesterday -- sun coming in perfectly through their window and everyone cooperated. Time passes in the blink of an eye. Thankfully we have photos! And thankfully I have been diligent about my photo organization, though the road stretches long ahead of me. Slowly but surely, it's coming together.

Today

Due to a combination of having vertigo and not being able to get a babysitter for Eden, I was not able to attend A's funeral today. Gary went with the rest of my family and represented me too.

Gary came home from the funeral and told me that D, the 70 year old daughter of A, was telling him and my family that even with her mother being 95, it is never enough. How there were so many more things she would have wanted to say and do, how even at her age, it is never easy to lose a parent. D is a wonderful woman and friend to our family and whenever she sees Gary, she has always said to him "slow down ... remember what is important in life." I did not find this information out until yesterday, that her periodic wise statements have been part of the movement that has been slowly influencing Gary to slow down to the pace of life of his family. (I won't get into the fact that my own wise statements haven't affected him until now. haha!) Sometimes it takes something outside of your world to make it click. That is okay. We have suffered a bit as a family over the past few years as his business was growing more than he could keep up at one point. However, something has been clicking and I see a change in Gary already. He always spent every spare moment with his family while not working, but now he actually sees less value is working as hard as he had been. We will do just fine. I am not a person who needs "stuff" and I think Gary knows that by now.

My whole point of this is that while Gary is talking to me about what Dorothy said, his eyes are welling up. And I said to him "What is going on? What are you thinking?" And he blurted out "I'm at 65 now. I'm at 65." And then, "I don't want our lives to pass us by. I don't want to waste time, I know this is important."

By George, I think he's got it.

One year ago, I never in my life would have guessed that this deep desire of mine might become a deep desire of ours, and furthermore, that it might actually come to fruition. It is amazing what can happen in a life time. There are possibilities around every corner. I am grateful for all that I am, all that I have, and all that is yet to be.

Not Ha Ha Funny, but Funny

Funny that I wrote my last post about attitude and right now I have a stinky one. Not exactly sure why -- mix of emotions perhaps.

On the great side, thanks to blog connections, I recently met a mom-to-be from Brooklyn who happens to be from Romania. This feels sort of full circle for me as my first blog entry talks about my roots in Romania and my grandparents' impetus on my adoption thoughts ... perhaps another sign that this is where we should be heading! And she happens to be a lovely woman and hopefully friend. She just received her letter of invitation (LOI) today and will be traveling in just a few days to meet her daughter in Kazakhstan. This makes me excited to be able to follow her journey in real time, something I have not yet had the pleasure of doing.

I still cry my eyes out when watching YouTube videos. The other day I saw one and there was a photo of the homecoming team -- a motley crew of family members with arms filled with gifts and balloons, faces full of smiles, as they greeted their newest family member off the plane. Makes me sad because if I don't start talking soon, then this kind of reception might not be part of my world. Well, I think it will ultimately but it's going to take time, and that's okay.

I have had many friends give birth and I have given birth myself. I think birth is miraculous. And yet, the adventure of getting on a plane and going halfway around the world to meet a child who will be yours forever seems to be the most miraculous of all these days. As a bystander who is contemplating taking this journey, it is a unique feeling to see people go before you and know that one day, perhaps I too, will be shouting from the rooftops "We received our LOI! We received our LOI!" and days later our plane will lift off as our journey to 5 begins in earnest.

So, this evening we went to the wake of a dear friend of my family who lived to be 95 years old. She was an unbelievably loved woman by all who knew her. I hope to be so lucky one day to have a memorial literally filled with laughter, with joy and memories upon memories shared. It was really remarkable, barely a tear shed, just joy for the loving life she lived.

On other news, at the wake, another neighbor came up to me and said "Oh, you're pregnant!" Sadly, I was not shocked by this exclamation because, if you can believe, this is about the 6th time in 12 months that someone has verbalized this to me. Let me not even attempt to think about all the people who might have thought it but never said it to me. "Oy vey!" is all I gotta say! If this has not just been the last straw to get me on an exercise regime tomorrow morning then I don't know what is. That, and remind me to never wear an A-line shirt again.

In other news, spoke to Gary tonight about moving forward with application (I think the good news of so many people in my blog world is giving me the itch to get crackin') and he wants to wait a bit until he feels really ready in his heart. I gotta give him that. I do think we're going to do this, but I have said before, if it is to be at all, it is to come from both of us with loving and open hearts.

Well, I do feel better after writing a bit as always. On an interesting note, at the wake today, there were flowers sent to my old friend, the grandson of the woman who passed away. They were for his family and were written with "warm regards from the Cruise family." What other Cruise family do you know aside from Tom, Katie and Suri? Yup, he's friends with them! Just a cool piece of gossip to share into the blogosphere.

Attitude is Everything

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail. So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain.

Moving Along

Today my parents went to their lawyer in regards to including family members in their will and actually asked the lawyer next steps in regards to the will if their daughter has another child. Certainly they were talking about a child through adoption as I have not mentioned wanting to get pregnant. I played Devil's Advocate, testing the waters -- perhaps just trying to see her true feelings and my mom told me "This child is a part of me because this child is a part of you." That answer felt very right to me. She used the present tense which felt very definite too. How unbelievably validating that my parents thought to ask about how to include our future child in their will. Thank you mom and dad!

Momentum

When thought of a possible snafu actually made me think for a second that perhaps the possibility of an adoption would not be able to take place, my heart clutched at the thought. All was clarified finally and I breathed a sigh of relief and then realized, my god, I'm really emotionally invested in this! I *WANT* this badly! This little unnamed boy definitely has a spot in this family when he is finally born, because I don't think he's born just yet.

Anyway, Gary had a meeting about office space and various plans and it seems that he's not just talking about lessening his work load, he's taking ACTION. This is a slow week, he's coming home at normal hours, going to bed earlier than usual ... I begin to feel that this semblance of normalcy is what I needed to confirm my thoughts.

So last night I said to Gary, I want to do this. I'm really serious and I just need to know your thoughts. What number are you at now? (We had been gauging his interest on a number level 1-100 and I'll have you know we started with Gary at a 10.) Well, I know this isn't a numbers game. This is about family, real lives, love, people, OUR family. But for now the numbers are important, because he said emphatically "SIXTY!"

You of course know that over 50, you have passed the hump and you are pretty much there. And now to hear 60 was like WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!

We have plans to meet some other friends of the blogworld who live nearby (in CT, but that's about 1 hour which is a nice drive for us) at the end of next month. I emailed an agency we are considering strongly that I would contact her in the next month or so just to see what her thoughts are about us traveling in the summer of 2009. I think that timing works for us as a family (age wise) and to make it easier for Gary work wise. I feel odd about orchestrating so much in that regard, but if this is meant to be, the right child will be waiting for us at that time.

So these are our thoughts now. We have definitely and triumphantly passed over the hump. Kazakhstan .... here we come.

S

Bangs and Updates

Emma got bangs cut for the first time the other day. Something about how her dark hair looks made us think that a Kaz cutie might look very much like Emma. In fact, we already know a Kaz cutie who looks very much like Emma! Eden on the other hand is a blue eyed, reddish haired little one. So even in my own family I have children with completely unique looks. That is a good thing for our family!

This morning we were all lying around in our huge wonderful bed (Dormia Ultimate -- the best purchase ever!) and everyone was laying on Gary and I said "Do you think we have room for one more?" and then Emma and Eden kept saying "We want a brother! We want a brother!" I said "If we do have a brother one day, he might not be a baby baby like Tyler is." Tyler is our good friends son. Emma said "That's okay! As long as I can still pick him up like a baby!"

Gary made a comment to someone the other day "If we adopt ..." and I thought the fact that he mentioned it at all is great.

Past few days, due to holiday week and slow time at work, he's home more and everything feels so doable! It won't always be the case, but I'll appreciate it when it comes.

I am motivated to put my family's photos away in albums. Due to going digital a few years ago, I fell into the trap of not printing photos and just organizing them on my computer. My goal is to have my family photographs in pretty fantastic order before we ever travel to Kaz. I am such a huge photographer that if I am not up to date by that time, I'll never get out from under that pile! I can assure you that my photos of that trip alone will go into the thousands. So it's a goal to work on this and begin to organize photos of Emma as a baby that became jumbled when we moved almost two years ago. Although those were photos were printed, they were never put in albums and never dated. I was too much of a perfectionist then and I am paying the price as the thought of the state of affairs of my family photographs is actually very emotionally draining. I keep thinking that god forbid something happens to me, no one would ever have an inkling as to dates and stuff or an interest in putting these memories together for Emma and Eden like I would. So PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION is my new motto that I'm sticking to. I am a great photographer, am NEVER without my camera, but the follow through gets me every time.

And with those goals in mind, I bid you goodnight. Off to make good on my promise, if only for a few moments.

Goals

Don't know if this is really going to happen as it seems too good to be true, but Gary has plans to move his office as early as this summer to a location where staff and space would be more efficient. Without getting into any details now, it might become very likely that Gary's work schedule will go from him working 6 long days to possibly 4 days a week. This bodes very well for so many things in our lives. Welcoming another child into our lives being one of them. Even tonight and yesterday Gary came home by 6:30. Despite the chaos of the house that happens in the evenings around here, it was chaos that I shared. It felt like a normal family, almost a TV commercial -- Kids crazy, husband and wife working busily in the kitchen ignoring the screams. Me alone with the chaos is not a good mix ;-) All burdens are lightened when you share it with someone and I absolutely felt this tonight.

It was a nice Valentine's Day today. I don't celebrate these Hallmark inspired holidays so much myself, but I absolutely love doing fun stuff with my kids. The absolute excitement that Emma displays over opening cards is remarkable. She's reading the print that is on the card and thinking it is the sweetest thing ever as if the giver of the card wrote it herself. Emma did however take a lot of pride in actually writing things on the Valentines she gave her classmates. She wrote one to herself that said "I love myself." She wrote a few to friends that said "I love yourself. Hope you have a sweet day." She denounced anyone who simply wrote "To Emma From Mary" as a very boring person.

Eden woke up with a dry pullup today. Huge news for her ;-)

Someone with whom I share gratitude lists is making a huge leap of faith. She's had a dream for a long time now to quit her high paying job at a major publication and embark on a journey of indeterminate time to South America to volunteer. She is young, just 28, has no ties to hold her back -- and has finally gotten the courage to give notice at her job to which the president of her company even said "Can I join you?!" How heartwarming it is to hear of people achieving major goals. It brought tears to my eyes not only for her but for me as well, as I'm hoping that my journey will eventually bring us to the point in which we take that leap and our bags are packed and we're ready to go.

Gratitude List

I am grateful for a wonderful spontaneous visit from McP from Georgia last Thursday. We met through his family blog back in the Fall -- fast forward just a few months to him standing in our bathroom as we gave him a tour of our home renovations. Funny how life works out. We look forward to more spontanous NYC visits and future visits with the entire family!

I am grateful to have purchased my first book on adoption -- Parenting Your Adopted Child, which seems to have wonderful parenting advise in general.

I am grateful for Susan who puts things into perspective so well for me and Gary.

I am grateful to realize how confident of a person Emma really is.

I am grateful that Eden is so unbelievable expressive for a girl so young. What a vocabulary! Her favorite expression these days is "Please put some cream on me. My buttocks hurt." What 2 year old says that word??!

I am grateful that Emma did so well at her second tennis lesson today that the director of the program said "I think I see a college scholarship in your future!" The fact that Gary and I met on the tennis courts made that remark extra special and made my heart want to burst that after trying to find a "thing" for Emma, perhaps she found it on the courts.

I am grateful for open communication with my husband and for the history and love we share.

I am grateful for where my life is right at this moment.

I am grateful for a wonderful support network in my life -- my friends, my family, my blog friends and a wonderful group of women I have recently found.

I am grateful for making people happy with the pictures I take.

I am grateful for my love of writing.

I am grateful to always do my best.

I am grateful for my passion for so many things.

I am grateful for the power of gratitude lists. Oprah it was right. They can change your life and how you view your personal goals. I have been writing them for about 1.5 years now.

I am grateful for opportunities and possibilities around every corner.

I am grateful for all that I have and all that is yet to be.

More Things Fall Into Place

The other day I got an email from my local community college about their Best-Selling Author series and that A.M. Homes, an author I like very much, would be there on Tuesday night, February 5. I read further on and saw that she would be discussing her newest book, a memoir entitled The Mistress's Daughter, which talks about her adoption, being found by her biological mother, and subsequent search for identity.

I went alone as no one would go with me -- Well, Gary would have but he had a showcase to attend. A date night with myself -- not bad at all. I left early to get a good seat. I was a little disappointed that her reading and Q&A was only 45 minutes total and then it was on to book signing, but I did purchase her memoir and get it signed. While up there, I got up my nerve to take 20 seconds of her time and let her know that we are considering adoption, blah blah blah. Her ultimate reply to me was that "Don't we all have identity issues to some degree? What is the alternative, to not have a loving family who *wants* you? To stay unadopted?"

She wished me luck and then I was off, to continue my date night and go to one of my favorite local restaurants, where I have never eaten alone before, to find a cozy table for one and begin to read my book while I enjoyed one of their specials and delicious onion bread.

I read 50 pages while at the restaurant, often checking the clock of course to make sure I didn't go past the babysitter's curfew. Some people at the table across from me smiled and commented on the book -- they too had just been to the reading.

I was mesmerized by the storyline, A.M. Homes's ease with words, and also happy to actually be quite comfortable dining and reading at my cozy table for one.

I was happy for this night.