American Sign Language

While I take a break from writing about our decision, I do find it hard to stay away completely. I have become addicted to my blog in all its glory.

American Sign Language -- it's an important topic to me, one that I have seen come up in adoption forums quite a bit recently. Over the past year, I have slowly been trying to build a buzz for my Sign & Discover program -- ASL workshops and classes for hearing children, parents and educators. I have been signing with my family for almost 6 years now and it has been one of the most rewarding aspects of my parenting. I definitely look forward to using it more ;-) I can go on and on about my love of ASL and how it has benefited by children and family as a whole. I can go on and on about how my children were telling me their wants and needs beginning at just 8 months old in clear and concise ways, how Emma signed "pain ear pain ear" at 11 months old, which led me to take her to the doctor and discover she had a double ear infection. I have a web site that is under construction -- all this and more will be available to learn from later this spring at www.signanddiscover.com. In the meantime, if anyone is interested in learning about how American Sign Language can benefit your family and foster early communication, please feel free to ask me any questions and contact www.sign2me.com to find a class in your area.

I am attaching photos of me signing this week in Emma's classroom. I'm teaching them songs for their end of school show. Tomorrow I am teaching a staff workshop for 22 teachers at a nursery school on Staten Island. After having a busy career in public relations for many years, and then home for a while, I definitely enjoy the stimulation of all aspects of building this business from the ground up. I have designed a great career for myself (based on something I feel such passion for) during this chapter of my life. I'm very grateful for this.

No, I am not holding "Chuckie" -- that is Signing Sam, my signing puppet ;-)

Quote for My Life

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance, to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit." -- Dawna Markova

Until then ...

All is clarified. It's just the DC Embassy that temporarily SUSPENDED taking in any more US dossiers. It was a discomfort that was short lived. And I felt such strong convictions to what I really wanted. I spoke to Gary last night. It's just so frustrating. There is not much more I can do right now. In so many of my thoughts, I said I'd wait until Eden turns 3 to do anything. She turns 3 on April 28th. It makes sense because it means she and Emma will be good ages, in my opinion, to be big sisters.

Later: Just spoke to Gary. Had a real conversation. So much of what we talk about seems to be just about him putting off deciding until the next date. Now we actually spoke about his worries. And amidst the worries, he said he is willing to take siblings. I was shocked, but probably could have guessed he'd say that. We spoke logistically about where we'd put 4 kids in this house. We spoke of trundle beds, of regrets about not dormering the attic ceiling, of making it work regardless.

Gary said he feels like he'll make a decision quickly when he makes it, that it will just come to him and he won't know whether it's right or wrong but that he definitely knows it's a good thing. He also knows that he would have been propelled by my own momentum and that that is okay.

We spoke about G-d not giving us more than we can handle. Despite not being religious people, I do believe that. Anything is fair game. You can only hope for health -- but I know that we can provide so much love and resources toward anything that may come our way.

I changed the music on this blog to start with Celine Dion's Taking Chances. I saw her on Oprah today and tears just fell out of my eyes when she sang, with such power, "What do you say to taking chances?" I know it's not an adoption song, and not appropriate in many ways, but that line gets me every time. I'm ready to take the chance.

Regina said it well, "get my hiney on the bus!" I don't want to feel like a "poser" in the world of PAPS (prospective adoptive parents.) I don't want to have a blog for the sake of having a blog, and yet my decision remains in limbo for ever. I honestly think this blog has served me so well. In my words, I read the evolution of my feelings. I am not the same person who began this blog on October 19th, wondering what path to take. I now know, and I can honestly say that over the course of the past few weeks especially, despite still being scared of the unknown, I have never felt so sure of anything. I have been respectful of my decision making, taking time and never rushing.

On April 13th, we are meeting with the Tarpey and Caswell families in Connecticut.

On April 28th is Eden's birthday.

Shortly after that, Gary and I will talk again.

I hope to post back at the end of April or early May 2008, 12 full months after I began the journey of "if I can see it, I can believe it."

Until then ...

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. -- Barbara Kingsolver

I'm only one. But still, I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something.
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
-- Edward Everett Hale

Hope

Journey Home, the agency we are strongly considering using, wrote this to me today:

"Its a pleasure Stephanie, and you most certainly should maintain hope!!! The premise surrounding the "so called" closure, which still cannot be confirmed, is not a show stopping "Kaz is closed for adoption", its a "slow down and let them catch up" situation that we have seen before. The widespread panic does so much harm, I wish people would simply look at the FACTS as they are presented. But then again, I was in your shoes too, and I'd have been up all night with worry.... its the nature of the process, but what does not kill us, makes us stronger!! Hang in there girl!"

I think that after this is resolved, if Gary and I are not ready to move forward then it wasn't meant to be. I think that after wanting 3 children my whole life, thinking about adoption for many, many years of my life, and then actively educating myself emotionally, statistically and medically about international adoption for the past 11 months, after having researched countries and agencies and found ones that feel right, after having met so many amazing wonderful adoptive parents, followed the joys, journeys and triumphs of others, been frightened by the harsh realities but continued to persevere, after having my mettle tested a few times but having had no major road blocks, I think it is time to move forward in earnest on this journey to 5. I'll share this entry with Gary and hope he shares my convictions. It's not just us and our own life path, but childrens' lives are on the line waiting for families. We have the means to do this, the loving hearts, the home, the compassion and desire to add to our family in this way. Why should we all be denied?

I maintain hope that it will all work out in the end.

Still getting my marriage license finally next week -- the international adoption long form.

Until then -- my best wishes and prayers to everyone on their journey!

Steph

Acting "As If"

I will not join in the panic mode but, as of yesterday, it looks like Kazakhstan is TEMPORARILY closed to U.S. adoptions (if you have not already submitted your dossier). Just at a time when my thoughts are taking me closer to decision time. Does this mean weeks, months, years? I contacted the agency I am considering using and they replied that, historically, these things usually resolve themselves fairly quickly. I am maintaining hope and will continue to act "as if" this is still going to happen.

I found a wonderful website with adoption stories -- www.hallmarkchannel.com
Just click on Adoption Stories. The one I was most moved by was Finding Alina -- about a family who adopted 2 siblings from Romania, and only too late discovered there was another sibling there, an older sister. It took 6 years to get back to her and bring her home. I had a few good cries watching that one! Especially the welcome off the plane. That gets me every time!

Gary watched the whole thing with me. I asked him what he thought when it was over. His reply, "If the Favassas can do it, so can the Karps."

I really enjoyed watching the documentaries in general -- professionally edited and narrated footage of a most monumental and momentous time in this family's life. Our family had the blessing (!!) of being filmed for A Baby Story on The Learning Channel in 2002 and then four years later on A Baby Story: Where Are They Now? It was one of the most exciting times in our life for so many reasons. But looking back now, there is no monetary value I can put on having a 22 minute edited show of how the Karp Family became 3 and then later on, 4. Yes, I gave birth on national TV! Crazy as that may sound. Thanks to editing and the fact that I had the foresight to apply pink lipstick and a nude liner once the epidural kicked in, it did look like a birth "made for TV" ;-) It was a surreal and outstanding experience and I wrote about it and my decision to do it in Parents Magazine and Fit Pregnancy Magazine -- my first published work. It was such a proud moment as well and something very special for Emma's life story -- and my own as well! And when I look at the adoption stories, I think how lucky these children are to have a documentary that fully captures the emotional and physical journeys their parents took to make them a family. Surely they will always know how loved and wanted they are. Absolutely beautiful.

I am grateful for my family of four. I am grateful for all that I have and all that is yet to be.

Life is but a dream

I haven't stopped thinking of Catalina (www.catabaia.blogspot.com) who has been in Kaz now one week. Going thinking she would be bringing home one child and yet she will be coming home with a brother and sister, all because this little girl jumped right into her arms and chose her. In all my 11 months of online searching and blog reading, I have never had the pleasure of reading the departure and travel portion of adoption in real time before. I have been on the edge of my seat following Catalina's story, I have nervously waited for her arrival and meeting and decisions and finally I have cried happy tears for her joy. Her mother's love is instinctual and provides me with so much inspiration. Her blog entry the other day on Kazakhstan's Mother's Day, in which she recounts her pure joy reading a well known nursery rhyme to her children, took my breath away in its simplicity.

"Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream."

It sure is. What a lucky family.

In the Beginning

I mentioned it was our 10 year anniversay in December. Laughably, we finally got our wedding video edited when we were married 9 years. So it's sort of still fresh for me, thankfully, because I actually enjoy it so much. My friend, our esteemed editor, was able to upload two short videos to YouTube the other day. They are each about 3 minutes long.

I'm so happy to have such easy accessibility to the day when we first began our journey to be The Karp Family of 2. There are moments of such pure joy -- I hope many more experiences in my life bring me that level of zippity doo dah. And I hope I'm never to shy to show it. Life is good.

Part 1 True Companion by Marc Cohn


Part 2 I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain