Oscar Inspiration

Just heard Jerry Lewis say this on the Oscar's tonight and had to google it.

I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
-- Stephan Grellet

Past week or so, Eden has been so testy and tempermental. She cries at the drop of a hat instead of "using her words", which is what an almost 4 year old should be doing. When she is sweet, this girl is so sweet you can eat her up. She is so gentle when she plays with her dolls and so kind and nurturing. But that is one side of her. When she is not so sweet, she is actually quite a bully to her older sister. She will hit, pinch and push while Emma does nothing back, thankfully. She has never hurt her back, but comes over to tell us, sometimes saying "Why is my sister so mean to me?" How did this happen, and have Gary and I done something to allow this to continue? Today we were more consistent (than usual?), taking her numerous times out of a birthday party when her behavior was less than "party-like." She doesn't even care when we take her out, she is very defiant and physically difficult to handle. And loud! Piercing shrieks and bucking. And then moments later, when she finally gets it under control, so sweet and adorable. I'm gonna have to be on the ball with this one. Could it also be low blood sugar, sometimes I have wondered that bc it could happen when she wakes up from a 12 hour sleep or sometimes before dinner. I will have to offer more frequent healthy snacks and see if this helps. I sure know that I'm nasty from this sometimes, and sometimes you don't feel especially hungry. Well, anyway, it is at moments like these during the past week where I, again, think to myself, what the heck am I getting myself into? Gary reminds me that Emma had difficult moments and now, her maturity and ability to "get it" and compose herself are remarkable. So, it is most likely that Eden too, with stricter parenting, will most likely outgrow this. I must reinstate the rewards chart! It worked ... Why did i let this go!? Tomorrow is a new day.

Today, reading Lea's post while she is in Kaz, I saw some photos of children in their cribs. One boy in particular caught my eye. He might not have been the cutest of the children, though of course he was really very cute. But he had the rounded pudgy face of the little Kazakh boy in my mind's eye. I kept staring at this photo. It was the boy I envision when I think about a baby being handed over to me ... remarkable.

It's been many days since I have heard that my home study had the completed information. However, I still wait for the hard copy. I hope it comes this week, I really have to get moving in my Journey to 5. How many times can I question its whereabouts? I'll call again in a day or so.

Well, goodnight dear friends ... Tomorrow school starts back again after a week off and a house full of sickness. Back to the busy life of school, classes and activities ...

A Re-Introduction to Us

I've been thinking how important it has been to follow along on the journey of others through their blogs. But yet some blogs I discover midway through their trip and I often don't have the time to go back to the beginning of the blogs of all those I follow. There is so much of the story that I often miss -- what came before? I thought I'd take this time to introduce myself and our Journey to 5 again in case there are some of you just jumping in now. Plus, Carolyn and Lea were jonesing for a longer post, so here goes.

Hi, my name is Stephanie and I'm 36 years old. This year (or most likely early 2010?), my husband and I, along with our now almost 4 and 7 year old daughters, will leave the familiar comforts of Brooklyn, New York for up to two months (or multiple trips?) to travel halfway around the world to Central Asia. There, we will meet and bring home the little brother we have all been waiting to adore. I have used this blog to chronicle our decision to adopt and the journey in our hearts (and eventually across the miles) to our son. In 2007, we struggled with the decision of how to expand our family (see early posts), and then over time with much education and insight, we joyously became certain that our son waits for us in Kazakhstan. Share with us as we experience the extensive legal paper chase that will culminate, eventually, in the triumphant joy of having all three of our children together in our arms for the first time ... 9,000 miles away from home.

In 2002, I had a once in a lifetime "birth story" experience when I gave birth on The Learning Channel's A Baby Story. Two beautiful daughters later, I wondered if I had the guts to forgo biology, to relinquish the miracle of birth and the idea of a new birth story to embark on an unexpected journey that would birth our family in an entirely new way. Would I make the choice to follow a dream I have had since childhood and add to our family through another sort of miracle -- international adoption?

Although I always desired three children, our family of four felt complete, even and perfect like a square. It was my dear daughters who actually showed me that my lap had room for one more. And the question of how to add to our family still lingered. In Portuguese, there is a word, "saudades", which means "nostalgia for something that never was." I began to miss the child I might never carry and give birth to, the child I knew we could still physically bring into our world. Still, there was a nameless child I saw in my mind. He looked nothing like our family, but he called me Mama. Over time, thanks to dozens of adoptive families who opened their hearts, shared their children with us and became our friends, and having read countless blogs, books and articles, I had a husband who -- although not fully on board at the time -- began to warm to the idea of adding to our family in a way he never envisioned. Outspoken friends and family were shocked and in disbelief when they found out we had no fertility challenges, that adoption was a loving choice we were making. My emotions were all over the place, my desires strong, but fears also were prevalent in my thoughts. In the end, I chose to listen to my heart when no one else was speaking. One year later, I was certain that this child who lived in my heart, our child, deserved to be a true possibility. And now, with full conviction and anticipation for what is to come (despite the many obstacles that prevented a smooth start and continue to plague our homestudy paperwork), my husband and I have officially begun the long, emotional and exhilarating journey of adding to our family through the miracle of international adoption.

Will my home study ever be complete? How many documents will have to be redone due to them already expiring? Will we do a three trip journey in a city such as Almaty or Astana? Will my husband be okay with the traveling? Will we manage the blind travel process as well as others have? Will my daughters adore their baby brother right away? How will my family handle living in a foreign country? Will we venture to try horse meat (a staple beef in Kaz?) How long will it take for us to feel like a family? Will I come to view the intense experience of adoption as more (or equal to) jubilant than child birth? Will I manage the conflicting feelngs of the loss of our son's birth parents and the only home he's ever known while simultaneously rejoicing at us becoming his family? Will our son simply be that ... our son?

If this has interested you, please feel free to read back in our journey from its inception. Follow along with us through our paperchase and future travel and our eventual return home as a family if five. As so many of the families out there have been inspirations and sources of education for me, I would love to be able to be the same source of inspiration for others and welcome any questions about our journey. This adoptive community has been a priceless gift to me. Thank you all!

Steph

(Above photo, a random slice of happy life, November 22, 2008)

One Step Closer

With happiness, I report -- I just got an email from our home study agent that she received the last of our clearances to complete our Home Study needs. Our child abuse and criminal records are clear, and after an unheard of 7 long months to complete the Home Study process, looks like soon enough we will *finally* be ready to move onto the next steps! Hallelulyah! Mazel Tov! And a hearty WOOOO HOOOOO!