There is a natural wellness center just down the block from me. I've been living here almost two years and have only just gone in today. Well, I have gone there before but not since it's been half a block away. Why is it that I often neglect to frequent the places closest to me when they can often be places of such high quality? I made the appointment yesterday -- originally to get a facial but then decided on reflexology at the last minute.
It was a very relaxing experience to have my hands, feet and scalp massaged. It has been too long since I treated myself to such pampering! But it seemed to go deeper than a simple massage because the reflexologist was noting places in my body where I held tension, just based on what she felt in my feet alone.
She got to a certain part of my foot and said "I feel fear. Where are you holding your fear? What are you afraid of?" Hmm, now that was quite interesting ... Well of course you know that I blurted out my thoughts from yesterday to this stranger. How soothing it was to sort out my worries and concerns while the anxiety was literally being eased out of my feet!
It seems that whenever I need it, I seem to find these spiritual or religious beacons of hope (dare I say angels?) disguised as random strangers. I have mentioned before that I don't have that religious based faith that I envy in some other people. I barely have any real religion in my life now aside from Emma going to Hebrew school and lighting of the Chanukkah candles and sometimes eating Challah on Fridays when my dad gets it fresh from the bakery. I grew up knowing about religion in a more traditional way and not necessarily based on the Bible, per se. And yet, as I go through my own inner struggles, I seem to find people who say the right things to me, the things I want to hear, and most often they are spiritual or G-d based.
I chose to tell my reflexologist about my desires and simultaneous recent fears about adoption and what that means to me. She then went on to tell me that adoption has been something she has always wanted as part of her life. She recalls begging her mom when she was 7 to adopt a brother for her from Vietnam. Her own 23 year old daughter has told her she would like to adopt 2 children one day and she is thrilled that vicariously she will get to experience this in her life. She is now a single mother, in school, and timing just never worked out for her to have a second child.
She asked me some pointed questions, questions that showed the kind of caring for my beliefs and thoughts that I so wish others in my life might offer.*** Here was a person who lives her life like the Secret before it was ever a popular book, knew all about what made me paste those photos down in my scrapbook. She could not imagine that this momentary fear might make me turn my back on all that I have done so far, that even though I might not *feel* that I have "faith", she believes it is faith and G-d himself that has actually gotten me as far as I have gotten in this process, that it is faith that has kept pushing me forward and taking the next indicated step.
The more she spoke, the more she massaged ;-), and the more I let my thoughts flow, I began to feel better.
Then, you know how when you are covered in darkness, sometimes you see these colored spots behind your eye lids? The reflexologist covers my face with a warm, lavendar scented towel and presses it to my eyes. I see odd swirling colors amidst the black. And all of a sudden, hallucinatory though it may be, I see this image behind my lids, coming closer to the forefront, almost like a halogram, of me dancing and spinning with a big, fat baby boy in my arms.
And all was good once again.
On a funny note, and I can't believe I didn't have the nerve to correct her, how terrible of me! I told the reflexologist about this blog I began and she said she knows about "blobs." And I thought could it be? No, she didn't just say "blob." But two minutes later she said she likes to journal herself and maybe one day when she finds more time, she too would like to start a "blob." And sorry to say, I let that one slide again. I am usually a grammer snob, huge correcter of minutiae, and yet I let this one go .... It seemed so innocent and perfect in its massive imperfection. It was endearing and I just hope her 23 year old daughter can correct her soon ;-)
***Some people certainly have asked the right questions, given encouragement and support, but I still wait for others to respect our beliefs, to even just ask about our beliefs, even as they share their own which may differ from ours. Soon it will be up to me to begin open communication and start the dialogue. I can't expect others to read my mind. Open communication must start with me and this "blob" will be a great way for me to open up about all my inner most feelings.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Is this normal in the decision making process?
What happened to my ease and calm from January 15? Where oh where did you go? Yesterday, thinking about adoption gave me such visceral reactions -- nerves and fear of the unknown, real thoughts of can I handle this and is this for me?
The days leading up to yesterday felt promising however. I emailed the agency we are currently most interested in -- required about specifics, about timing, when to begin the process based on certain parameters too. Her answers felt right, realistic and made Gary, when I read him the email, punch my knuckles. (It's a happy little thing we do.)
And now here I am with my veins feeling frozen. Is this something that happens to me when I know I am about to take a leap? Perhaps the sick feeling before someone jumps out of a plane even though you booked the flight and WANT this because you know it will change your life and how you will view the world going forward? (not something I would do but just an analogy.) Or is it my gut telling me something else? If this were truly right for me, would this fear and massive cold feet happen at all? I don't know. Do you?
As I write this, clarity seems to take hold a bit. Writing always does this to me. I have a feeling I may know why I felt the way I did. The past few days I have lost my patience with my kids more than was fair. I have recently been put on new medication to regulate a pituitary gland which went haywire. Perhaps it's not the right dose or right medication at all. Since taking it, I feel slightly more on edge, and definitely more irritable. Perhaps manic? I'm doing all these creative projects and can't sleep as deeply.
Maybe during that moment of doubt, I was forgetting that I am still getting this whole hormonal thing worked out -- I know it will be worked out. Maybe I was thinking I'm just a nutty mother who will not be able to easily handle three children with a husband who works 6 days a week ans is rarely home for bed times, let alone dinner. Perhaps the fear just got to me.
So today my daughter had an art therapy session. She has had some nervousness which started last year at school and thank god is improving so well as she grows into a little lady. She's only 5 and a half -- and I think she sort of had to grow into her feelings. So I brought her there and decided to join in on the first part of the session -- I know Emma gets very upset or frightened when I lose my cool and I want to be able to work it out better on my own. Who would want to be with a wonderful calm mother (I am viewed by so many people as a very calm, gentle person and I think inherently I am!) who becomes the flip side for one moment until it's out of her system? Granted, these episodes happen during very stressful family situations in which I am handling a lot while my husband is at work and my kids are acting out and making me feel like I'm playing Wack A Mole. Yet still, the ideal mother in me *knows* I could be handling it better.
So the therapist made me feel better, I have to admit. She said "One of the many great things about you is that you own your feelings. So many mothers could have said "but the kids did this and did that" and here you are actively admitting that you are working on this yourself, that it may very well be from this new medication but yet you want to rectify this, and that you are here with your daughter addressing her and letting her know that you are trying to do better."
I felt like a good mom then, and realized .... this too shall pass. I'll get myself regulated and my rational thoughts will reign again ;-)
I just aired my dirty laundry, but maybe it's not so dirty after all. Just honest laundry.
S
The days leading up to yesterday felt promising however. I emailed the agency we are currently most interested in -- required about specifics, about timing, when to begin the process based on certain parameters too. Her answers felt right, realistic and made Gary, when I read him the email, punch my knuckles. (It's a happy little thing we do.)
And now here I am with my veins feeling frozen. Is this something that happens to me when I know I am about to take a leap? Perhaps the sick feeling before someone jumps out of a plane even though you booked the flight and WANT this because you know it will change your life and how you will view the world going forward? (not something I would do but just an analogy.) Or is it my gut telling me something else? If this were truly right for me, would this fear and massive cold feet happen at all? I don't know. Do you?
As I write this, clarity seems to take hold a bit. Writing always does this to me. I have a feeling I may know why I felt the way I did. The past few days I have lost my patience with my kids more than was fair. I have recently been put on new medication to regulate a pituitary gland which went haywire. Perhaps it's not the right dose or right medication at all. Since taking it, I feel slightly more on edge, and definitely more irritable. Perhaps manic? I'm doing all these creative projects and can't sleep as deeply.
Maybe during that moment of doubt, I was forgetting that I am still getting this whole hormonal thing worked out -- I know it will be worked out. Maybe I was thinking I'm just a nutty mother who will not be able to easily handle three children with a husband who works 6 days a week ans is rarely home for bed times, let alone dinner. Perhaps the fear just got to me.
So today my daughter had an art therapy session. She has had some nervousness which started last year at school and thank god is improving so well as she grows into a little lady. She's only 5 and a half -- and I think she sort of had to grow into her feelings. So I brought her there and decided to join in on the first part of the session -- I know Emma gets very upset or frightened when I lose my cool and I want to be able to work it out better on my own. Who would want to be with a wonderful calm mother (I am viewed by so many people as a very calm, gentle person and I think inherently I am!) who becomes the flip side for one moment until it's out of her system? Granted, these episodes happen during very stressful family situations in which I am handling a lot while my husband is at work and my kids are acting out and making me feel like I'm playing Wack A Mole. Yet still, the ideal mother in me *knows* I could be handling it better.
So the therapist made me feel better, I have to admit. She said "One of the many great things about you is that you own your feelings. So many mothers could have said "but the kids did this and did that" and here you are actively admitting that you are working on this yourself, that it may very well be from this new medication but yet you want to rectify this, and that you are here with your daughter addressing her and letting her know that you are trying to do better."
I felt like a good mom then, and realized .... this too shall pass. I'll get myself regulated and my rational thoughts will reign again ;-)
I just aired my dirty laundry, but maybe it's not so dirty after all. Just honest laundry.
S
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Great Questions, No Answers
Yesterday I had a great conversation with my friend Karen about our thoughts about adoption. She brought up many interesting questions that deserve some thought or even just acknowledgement.
She is now mom to three beautiful girls, one just recently born a few weeks ago. Karen is one of my friends whom I had referenced in another post that her impending birth does give me pause, or rather, makes me feel nostalgic.
There is this Portuguese word that I have always loved. I am not sure how it's pronounced but it's "saudades." It means "nostalgia for something that never was." I have loved this word since I first heard it -- I think it can be appropriate for so many situations in which in English there would not exist just one word to describe this sentiment.
Karen is currently breastfeeding her baby which brought us to the topic. It is her third child and it is all going so smoothly and it's quite calming and lovely for her.
I was a very active breastfeeder for both of my children. 13 months for Emma and a whopping 22 months for Eden. Granted the last 13 months for Eden was about once a day, but still I did it, hoping that this "liquid gold" would actually help Eden gain strength and overcome her hypotonia (low muscle tone) for which she now receives therapies (and is doing SUPER!) I never admitted to anyone that I was breastfeeding Eden this long. I know that many people have gone on longer than I did and there is nothing wrong with it at all. I breastfed in those final months quietly, just a few minutes at the end of the day. But truly, if all "they" say about breastfeeding is true, I was hoping that all this goodness would help my child grow strong.
So the question comes up about how I will feel having a child who I was never able to offer this gift to. I can't say that there is not a part of me that feels absolved of the responsibility of active breastfeeding because it certainly takes a toll on you. Hormonally, physically, mentally. I do also feel that with the nutrition available to infants in baby houses not being probably as high as our standards, and with what I have read about how babies thrive on formula once at home, I do feel that in this case formula would be this child's liquid gold.
I, myself, was not breastfed. Nor were many people I know. Many of my friends who have recently given birth have chosen not to breastfeed, or did so for a short time. I think that my not having the opportunity to breastfeed this third child of mine (should we proceed) would just be an opportunity to show me all the other ways to love and nurture and sustain a child.
Karen is really enjoying her chance to nurse a newborn baby again. And I, such a strong proponant of breastfeeding, would never (possibly) have that chance again.
It's just a fact. I don't have answers, there is nothing inherently wrong either way. It's just another way in which the experience of this child joining our lives will be different. Not good or bad, just different than how it was done before. I hope that all my children would be equally healthy regardless of their first nutrients. I do know there are some excellent formulas out there that mimic, to the best of their ability, the componants of breast milk.
I was blessed with the ability to nurse two healthy babies and experience the miracle that only a mom can offer her newborn, but now I'm ready to take on a new experience of providing for my future baby, one in which my entire family can partake in.
I also have given thought to the 'saudades' that parents might feel for never having had the chance to hold their baby as a newborn, to shhh their cries and soothe their hurts. There is 'saudades' also for their child who went for so long waiting for their family as well.
I do hope that those feelings don't remain for long and that you become just thankful for the here and now, that this is the moment you move forward as a family, and that all the past experiences you both had were what had to happen to bring you to this moment in time.
And these are my late night musings for tonight. 'Til next time.
SK
She is now mom to three beautiful girls, one just recently born a few weeks ago. Karen is one of my friends whom I had referenced in another post that her impending birth does give me pause, or rather, makes me feel nostalgic.
There is this Portuguese word that I have always loved. I am not sure how it's pronounced but it's "saudades." It means "nostalgia for something that never was." I have loved this word since I first heard it -- I think it can be appropriate for so many situations in which in English there would not exist just one word to describe this sentiment.
Karen is currently breastfeeding her baby which brought us to the topic. It is her third child and it is all going so smoothly and it's quite calming and lovely for her.
I was a very active breastfeeder for both of my children. 13 months for Emma and a whopping 22 months for Eden. Granted the last 13 months for Eden was about once a day, but still I did it, hoping that this "liquid gold" would actually help Eden gain strength and overcome her hypotonia (low muscle tone) for which she now receives therapies (and is doing SUPER!) I never admitted to anyone that I was breastfeeding Eden this long. I know that many people have gone on longer than I did and there is nothing wrong with it at all. I breastfed in those final months quietly, just a few minutes at the end of the day. But truly, if all "they" say about breastfeeding is true, I was hoping that all this goodness would help my child grow strong.
So the question comes up about how I will feel having a child who I was never able to offer this gift to. I can't say that there is not a part of me that feels absolved of the responsibility of active breastfeeding because it certainly takes a toll on you. Hormonally, physically, mentally. I do also feel that with the nutrition available to infants in baby houses not being probably as high as our standards, and with what I have read about how babies thrive on formula once at home, I do feel that in this case formula would be this child's liquid gold.
I, myself, was not breastfed. Nor were many people I know. Many of my friends who have recently given birth have chosen not to breastfeed, or did so for a short time. I think that my not having the opportunity to breastfeed this third child of mine (should we proceed) would just be an opportunity to show me all the other ways to love and nurture and sustain a child.
Karen is really enjoying her chance to nurse a newborn baby again. And I, such a strong proponant of breastfeeding, would never (possibly) have that chance again.
It's just a fact. I don't have answers, there is nothing inherently wrong either way. It's just another way in which the experience of this child joining our lives will be different. Not good or bad, just different than how it was done before. I hope that all my children would be equally healthy regardless of their first nutrients. I do know there are some excellent formulas out there that mimic, to the best of their ability, the componants of breast milk.
I was blessed with the ability to nurse two healthy babies and experience the miracle that only a mom can offer her newborn, but now I'm ready to take on a new experience of providing for my future baby, one in which my entire family can partake in.
I also have given thought to the 'saudades' that parents might feel for never having had the chance to hold their baby as a newborn, to shhh their cries and soothe their hurts. There is 'saudades' also for their child who went for so long waiting for their family as well.
I do hope that those feelings don't remain for long and that you become just thankful for the here and now, that this is the moment you move forward as a family, and that all the past experiences you both had were what had to happen to bring you to this moment in time.
And these are my late night musings for tonight. 'Til next time.
SK
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Feeling Inspired
The past few days I feel a lightness in my heart as if I know this is going to happen. I don't feel the internal struggle any more and I definitely think that Gary is feeling it too. It has been about 10 months of actively considering adding a new child to our lives, which included, when I first began this blog, wondering if having another biological child was perhaps meant for us. I no longer feel this way, although I can't say I don't mourn that loss at all, and probably would at any time I would have chosen to stop having biological children. Regardless, for some unknown reason that has finally become apparent in my life, a magnet seems to be pulling me halfway across the world. I am no longer resisting its pull.
Maya Angelou has said "I have learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
I am also feeling inspired because recently my blog has been "found." ;-) It had made me happy to write for myself and I always do. But to feel the support from others in all stages of this process is something that I truly appreciate.
Steph
Maya Angelou has said "I have learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
I am also feeling inspired because recently my blog has been "found." ;-) It had made me happy to write for myself and I always do. But to feel the support from others in all stages of this process is something that I truly appreciate.
Steph
Thursday, January 10, 2008
January 10, 2008
It's Gary's birthday today -- Happy Birthday to you! You are 47 years young and I am thankful to celebrate another year knowing and loving you and growing and nurturing our family.
Months ago this was the date that Gary said he'd be willing to discuss his views on adoption. I waited months for this date. So after midnight tonight we began talking about it -- we are total night owls. There is definitely more interest on Gary's part, but still the same worries and concerns, which of course he recognizes can happen in any family. I decided that since I am not sure of what my legal full name really is (I don't remember if I kept my maiden name at all) I am going to order copies of my marriage license in the format needed for a dossier. (An International Adoption Dossier is the collection of all paperwork submitted in order to request an international adoption.) If I decide, I might also request some other additional dossier information that would be good to have for my own records too (such as copies of birth certificates, which might be good to have on hand anyway.) These are government documents that would take a long time to get anyway, so it doesn't hurt to have immediate access to them should we proceed. Since I wouldn't be ready to "get pregnant" right now anyway, I would not proceed to do anything until Eden turns 3 in April. Gary asked me if when Eden and Emma are older I'm not going to want to go back to the baby stages after having both of them more independent, in school, etc. I have the rest of my entire life, God willing, for independence and the experience of growing children. I don't feel like the type of person to say at this stage in my life I need free time until 3pm. I am here to be a mom to young children. This is a chaptner in my life that is not forever. But again, I do feel that a larger family in the end is something that would be wonderful for all of us. A little tougher in places like Disney World perhaps, but nothing we can't handle. No final decisions made right now, but I feel good about the decision to move along in this manner.
Eden wore panties all day today -- She said the pull up was uncomfortable when I put it on this morning and she just said "I'm wearing panties today!" I think we're ready for this stage of her being a big girl. Or rather, we are really ready to commit to it. Both of us! ;-)
Months ago this was the date that Gary said he'd be willing to discuss his views on adoption. I waited months for this date. So after midnight tonight we began talking about it -- we are total night owls. There is definitely more interest on Gary's part, but still the same worries and concerns, which of course he recognizes can happen in any family. I decided that since I am not sure of what my legal full name really is (I don't remember if I kept my maiden name at all) I am going to order copies of my marriage license in the format needed for a dossier. (An International Adoption Dossier is the collection of all paperwork submitted in order to request an international adoption.) If I decide, I might also request some other additional dossier information that would be good to have for my own records too (such as copies of birth certificates, which might be good to have on hand anyway.) These are government documents that would take a long time to get anyway, so it doesn't hurt to have immediate access to them should we proceed. Since I wouldn't be ready to "get pregnant" right now anyway, I would not proceed to do anything until Eden turns 3 in April. Gary asked me if when Eden and Emma are older I'm not going to want to go back to the baby stages after having both of them more independent, in school, etc. I have the rest of my entire life, God willing, for independence and the experience of growing children. I don't feel like the type of person to say at this stage in my life I need free time until 3pm. I am here to be a mom to young children. This is a chaptner in my life that is not forever. But again, I do feel that a larger family in the end is something that would be wonderful for all of us. A little tougher in places like Disney World perhaps, but nothing we can't handle. No final decisions made right now, but I feel good about the decision to move along in this manner.
Eden wore panties all day today -- She said the pull up was uncomfortable when I put it on this morning and she just said "I'm wearing panties today!" I think we're ready for this stage of her being a big girl. Or rather, we are really ready to commit to it. Both of us! ;-)
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Stepping Into The Dream
I wrote this on the evening of December 31, 2007. Some of this is a repeat from another entry on this blog, but I will include it as I wrote it that night.
I am sitting here on New Years Eve 2007 in Georgia. Yesterday I had an experience that felt like a dream. Or rather, it was a day in which I had the opportunity to "step into my dream."
Ten months ago I began a course in which we designed a page called IF I CAN SEE IT I CAN BELIEVE IT. I included pictures of all that I wanted to accomplish in my lifetime -- in regards to my home, my health and my future -- and it was not without embarrassment or some thought of "yeah, right, this is for someone else's life, not mine" that I pasted down a photo of Angelina Jolie and her son Pax.
Just days after that I began to make certain realities of those pages -- I ordered decorative vases that I wanted, began to eat healthier breakfasts, began to research other options from those pages of dreams, and yet I still sort of glossed over the Angelina photo and all that it encompassed. What was the point of pasting it down then? Well, it was time to at least explore it further.
Nine months ago, in a sort of secretive and quiet endeavor between me and my computer, I began adoption research -- agencies, countries, laws, paperwork, dossiers and blogs! Research begat research, it was hard to stop the snowball effect of all the information I was gathering.
It was there that I found the Poston family, mainly because I was attracted to a photo I saw in which their daughter reminded me so much of Emma. This family adopted three children from Kazakhstan in Central Asia, nestled between China and Russia, a country that was becoming very attractive to us in terms of how they care for their children and manage the adoption process.
When late nights of blog reading became too overwhelming and time consuming, I took a slight research break. Then three months ago I picked up where I left off and found their site again. Furthermore, I found the courage to write to them and inquire about their experiences. Over three months I found a family who became my friends.While planning our trip to Tampa and then to Atlanta to visit Gary's family this week, it became a possibility to spend some time with the Poston family who live near Chattanooga, TN.
And so the day arrived just yesterday. I had a nervous stomach the whole morning, why? I couldn't get my hair or make up right. What to wear! I plucked too many eyebrow hairs! But alas, we were off.
As we pulled up their long driveway yesterday morning at 11am in rural Ringgold, Georgia, it was surreal to see two large flags on posts flanking their doorsteps, one the American flag and one the blue and yellow Kazakhstan flag. I knew this was the house!
How strange to pull up into the yard and have the dad come out and greet us -- a man who has offered me so much insight and support through email for the past three months. How odd to see their three adorable children waving to us from behind the glass door when I have only ever seen their faces on YouTube and their blog. How great to meet the mom who offered me so much information during our own phone conversation a few months back. Yet here they all were in the flesh, moving, living people. It was surreal to realize that thanks to some of the lessons I had learned in my class about making realities of your dreams, I stepped into my dream to see how it felt as I held their adorable Kazak toddler on my lap next to Eden and got the sense of what it would feel like if a boy just like him was my own. I took photos of Emma and Alina, who I swear when you see them, you will see a remarkable resemblance.
We were treated to six hours of Southern hospitality -- to my delicious iced tea that was constantly replenished, to a homemade hot meal of lasagna and salad, to desserts that were plentiful. We were treated to the event of seeing the kids get to feed their five goats on their 17 acres of property. They even had another lovely family come visit as well who had adopted two beautiful daughters from Kazakhstan.
My friend Kim said something to me the other day that I didn't understand at first and didn't accept. She told me she was so proud of me for doing this. I said what is the big deal, I'm just visiting this family, I have no idea if we really will adopt at all, maybe we're just visiting people that will simply be friends, who knows. I could just be using this elaborate excuse as a way to make friends. I have always made friends in unusual ways. I played it down because I didn't think it meant anything as we really are so unsure of all this. I really was just amazed at what technology can do -- how it can bridge families from miles away based on a common interest and happy that I am the type of person that would pursue such a connection. But it is with Kim in mind that I write this entry because I am proud of myself for taking such steps to connect with people in such a way. I am proud of myself for being someone who would consider adoption because of all the love I have for my children and for all the sorrow I feel for children who don't know the love we have. I am proud of my husband, who, although still on the fence, remains so interested and actually enjoyed his time at the Postons and even invited them to have a BBQ with us and even stay in our home if they need to when they visit NYC this summer. I am proud of the people we are who take action and who feel compelled to do so.
I don't know what the future holds in 2008 and beyond but I do hope that it will be filled with unchartered paths and leaps of faith. And until we know what is truly our path we remain open to explore all our possibilities.
I always do a little writing and self reflection as the ball is close to dropping and these are my thoughts now, in the final hours of 2007. I am so very grateful for all I have and grateful for all the experiences yet to come.
Stephanie
I am sitting here on New Years Eve 2007 in Georgia. Yesterday I had an experience that felt like a dream. Or rather, it was a day in which I had the opportunity to "step into my dream."
Ten months ago I began a course in which we designed a page called IF I CAN SEE IT I CAN BELIEVE IT. I included pictures of all that I wanted to accomplish in my lifetime -- in regards to my home, my health and my future -- and it was not without embarrassment or some thought of "yeah, right, this is for someone else's life, not mine" that I pasted down a photo of Angelina Jolie and her son Pax.
Just days after that I began to make certain realities of those pages -- I ordered decorative vases that I wanted, began to eat healthier breakfasts, began to research other options from those pages of dreams, and yet I still sort of glossed over the Angelina photo and all that it encompassed. What was the point of pasting it down then? Well, it was time to at least explore it further.
Nine months ago, in a sort of secretive and quiet endeavor between me and my computer, I began adoption research -- agencies, countries, laws, paperwork, dossiers and blogs! Research begat research, it was hard to stop the snowball effect of all the information I was gathering.
It was there that I found the Poston family, mainly because I was attracted to a photo I saw in which their daughter reminded me so much of Emma. This family adopted three children from Kazakhstan in Central Asia, nestled between China and Russia, a country that was becoming very attractive to us in terms of how they care for their children and manage the adoption process.
When late nights of blog reading became too overwhelming and time consuming, I took a slight research break. Then three months ago I picked up where I left off and found their site again. Furthermore, I found the courage to write to them and inquire about their experiences. Over three months I found a family who became my friends.While planning our trip to Tampa and then to Atlanta to visit Gary's family this week, it became a possibility to spend some time with the Poston family who live near Chattanooga, TN.
And so the day arrived just yesterday. I had a nervous stomach the whole morning, why? I couldn't get my hair or make up right. What to wear! I plucked too many eyebrow hairs! But alas, we were off.
As we pulled up their long driveway yesterday morning at 11am in rural Ringgold, Georgia, it was surreal to see two large flags on posts flanking their doorsteps, one the American flag and one the blue and yellow Kazakhstan flag. I knew this was the house!
How strange to pull up into the yard and have the dad come out and greet us -- a man who has offered me so much insight and support through email for the past three months. How odd to see their three adorable children waving to us from behind the glass door when I have only ever seen their faces on YouTube and their blog. How great to meet the mom who offered me so much information during our own phone conversation a few months back. Yet here they all were in the flesh, moving, living people. It was surreal to realize that thanks to some of the lessons I had learned in my class about making realities of your dreams, I stepped into my dream to see how it felt as I held their adorable Kazak toddler on my lap next to Eden and got the sense of what it would feel like if a boy just like him was my own. I took photos of Emma and Alina, who I swear when you see them, you will see a remarkable resemblance.
We were treated to six hours of Southern hospitality -- to my delicious iced tea that was constantly replenished, to a homemade hot meal of lasagna and salad, to desserts that were plentiful. We were treated to the event of seeing the kids get to feed their five goats on their 17 acres of property. They even had another lovely family come visit as well who had adopted two beautiful daughters from Kazakhstan.
My friend Kim said something to me the other day that I didn't understand at first and didn't accept. She told me she was so proud of me for doing this. I said what is the big deal, I'm just visiting this family, I have no idea if we really will adopt at all, maybe we're just visiting people that will simply be friends, who knows. I could just be using this elaborate excuse as a way to make friends. I have always made friends in unusual ways. I played it down because I didn't think it meant anything as we really are so unsure of all this. I really was just amazed at what technology can do -- how it can bridge families from miles away based on a common interest and happy that I am the type of person that would pursue such a connection. But it is with Kim in mind that I write this entry because I am proud of myself for taking such steps to connect with people in such a way. I am proud of myself for being someone who would consider adoption because of all the love I have for my children and for all the sorrow I feel for children who don't know the love we have. I am proud of my husband, who, although still on the fence, remains so interested and actually enjoyed his time at the Postons and even invited them to have a BBQ with us and even stay in our home if they need to when they visit NYC this summer. I am proud of the people we are who take action and who feel compelled to do so.
I don't know what the future holds in 2008 and beyond but I do hope that it will be filled with unchartered paths and leaps of faith. And until we know what is truly our path we remain open to explore all our possibilities.
I always do a little writing and self reflection as the ball is close to dropping and these are my thoughts now, in the final hours of 2007. I am so very grateful for all I have and grateful for all the experiences yet to come.
Stephanie
Saturday, December 22, 2007
The Law of Detachment
How is it that we hear what we need to hear when we need to hear it? I left my MP3 player on while I was doing a lot in the house -- checking email, baking, etc and when I finally got back to hear it, it was playing the audiobook of Deepak Chopra's The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I have read the book but had not yet listened to it via audio. I walked in when Deepak was talking about The Law of Detachment which states that in order to acquire something you must not hold on to it as strongly. Sounds the opposite of what we are sometimes taught to believe. I heard it at the right time. I want to adopt a child if and only if it was something that was meant for us to do. I know my husband feels for the children there, and I also know he struggles with commitment to the decision. I am going to detach, something I've been trying to do for a while, but now I'll do it Deepak Chopra style. If it's something that I want strongly enough, then this detachment will actually help me acquire it. A dichotomy of thoughts but one that I will put my energies into. I also feel that perhaps this is just our way of saying that the child we were meant to have just hasn't been born yet!
My dear husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary yesterday. I recall my wedding day vividly and these ten years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I see the life we have made, the choices we make, the love we have for each other and for our children, and they to us and each other, and I feel so grateful. Despite all the craziness that can often be part of my days, there is also a calm and a contentedness in the feeling of everything right now being just the way it is supposed to be. My cup runneth over.
Peace.
S
My dear husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary yesterday. I recall my wedding day vividly and these ten years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I see the life we have made, the choices we make, the love we have for each other and for our children, and they to us and each other, and I feel so grateful. Despite all the craziness that can often be part of my days, there is also a calm and a contentedness in the feeling of everything right now being just the way it is supposed to be. My cup runneth over.
Peace.
S
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