Yesterday I had a great conversation with my friend Karen about our thoughts about adoption. She brought up many interesting questions that deserve some thought or even just acknowledgement.
She is now mom to three beautiful girls, one just recently born a few weeks ago. Karen is one of my friends whom I had referenced in another post that her impending birth does give me pause, or rather, makes me feel nostalgic.
There is this Portuguese word that I have always loved. I am not sure how it's pronounced but it's "saudades." It means "nostalgia for something that never was." I have loved this word since I first heard it -- I think it can be appropriate for so many situations in which in English there would not exist just one word to describe this sentiment.
Karen is currently breastfeeding her baby which brought us to the topic. It is her third child and it is all going so smoothly and it's quite calming and lovely for her.
I was a very active breastfeeder for both of my children. 13 months for Emma and a whopping 22 months for Eden. Granted the last 13 months for Eden was about once a day, but still I did it, hoping that this "liquid gold" would actually help Eden gain strength and overcome her hypotonia (low muscle tone) for which she now receives therapies (and is doing SUPER!) I never admitted to anyone that I was breastfeeding Eden this long. I know that many people have gone on longer than I did and there is nothing wrong with it at all. I breastfed in those final months quietly, just a few minutes at the end of the day. But truly, if all "they" say about breastfeeding is true, I was hoping that all this goodness would help my child grow strong.
So the question comes up about how I will feel having a child who I was never able to offer this gift to. I can't say that there is not a part of me that feels absolved of the responsibility of active breastfeeding because it certainly takes a toll on you. Hormonally, physically, mentally. I do also feel that with the nutrition available to infants in baby houses not being probably as high as our standards, and with what I have read about how babies thrive on formula once at home, I do feel that in this case formula would be this child's liquid gold.
I, myself, was not breastfed. Nor were many people I know. Many of my friends who have recently given birth have chosen not to breastfeed, or did so for a short time. I think that my not having the opportunity to breastfeed this third child of mine (should we proceed) would just be an opportunity to show me all the other ways to love and nurture and sustain a child.
Karen is really enjoying her chance to nurse a newborn baby again. And I, such a strong proponant of breastfeeding, would never (possibly) have that chance again.
It's just a fact. I don't have answers, there is nothing inherently wrong either way. It's just another way in which the experience of this child joining our lives will be different. Not good or bad, just different than how it was done before. I hope that all my children would be equally healthy regardless of their first nutrients. I do know there are some excellent formulas out there that mimic, to the best of their ability, the componants of breast milk.
I was blessed with the ability to nurse two healthy babies and experience the miracle that only a mom can offer her newborn, but now I'm ready to take on a new experience of providing for my future baby, one in which my entire family can partake in.
I also have given thought to the 'saudades' that parents might feel for never having had the chance to hold their baby as a newborn, to shhh their cries and soothe their hurts. There is 'saudades' also for their child who went for so long waiting for their family as well.
I do hope that those feelings don't remain for long and that you become just thankful for the here and now, that this is the moment you move forward as a family, and that all the past experiences you both had were what had to happen to bring you to this moment in time.
And these are my late night musings for tonight. 'Til next time.
SK
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3 comments:
Hey there, I had never heard that word but it is great. I am sure our children will have that sentiment too.
As for breastfeeding, there are options. There are hormones you can take to make you produce milk (doperdome is not available in the US anymore) but I bet you can find something.
Also there is Lact-aid http://www.lact-aid.com/
Well, that will be a big difference but I'm guessing that it won't be AS noticeable as it feels now in musing over it because the adopted child will be older by the time you are united with them. I think domestically adopting a newborn baby would make not breastfeeding MUCH harder but by 9 or 10 months my babies were in a lull period with breastfeeding anyway and were busy learning to stand, walk, explore and there were times I had to seriously encourage nursing. So, with an adopted child of that age range I would guess their desire to explore will be even greater and that it would be next to impossible to BF them even if you wanted to. I'm thinking it won't be such a sadness to not nurse another child for me personally but I do understand your thoughts on the subject.
Thanks for your posts! I appreciate your consideration to this topic. I do think that people have had great success in nursing newborns adopted, thanks to the help of lactation aids. I do agree with you Monica in that the timing of this would probably not work, although when I first got Suzanne's post, I was like, hmmm.. Wow. A novel thought.
I don't think I would BF my adopted child, I guess it's a matter of me just mulling things over and coming to terms with some differences in our lives. It will all be good, either way. It's just a thought I did have hidden away in my thoughts but decided to put out in blogville. I thank you for adding to this thought thread and sharing your perspectives. I look forward to discovering more options and opportunities in this journey -- for hearing what you have to share and for sharing myself. Thank you!
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