Emotional? Hello!!!

I doubt I am the only one who, at this stage of their game, can not stop crying. In bed at night, in the shower, in the car, cooking dinner, listening to the radio. The tears fall from disbelief and shock that I am about 2 weeks away from holding a little boy in my arms and never letting go. I am joyful and jubilant and I am scared yet hopeful. I am stressed and I am excited. Let's not forget that the past few days finds me often moody, short tempered and impatient. Tensions are running high between me and my husband all because of me. Thankfully, though it took him at least 10 years to figure this out, he now knows he just has to give me a hug to make me shut off my crazy tirades and ramblings. Sometimes you just need a hug. Or three.

My stress is less about how life will be once Major comes home than it is about all I need to do to prepare for another international trip and a new child's arrival. I am bringing clothing for Major, our stroller and a Bundle Me, blankets and PJs, a multitude of shoes in various sizes, some special foods and all my electronic equipment and media that I can't go without. I am not as organized as I need to be and though things are happening, they happen slowly. I have put away his clothing, beautiful new items I bought and some handed down by some of the most well dressed little boys I know. Pottery Barn boxes are arriving. Soft cozy blankets, booster seats for the kitchen table, bibs and bottles are ready for him. How silly I was to buy underwear already. This kid is going to need diapers for quite a bit longer. Baby gates and other baby proofing devices are needed this week. Caregiver gift bags are purchased and the gifts still need buying. Still need gifts for all the amazingly helpful people we met in Kaz. Gary's in charge of the men. Baby House director gift is purchased ... one down.

I wasn't this nuts before the birth of my daughters but there are a lot more elements to this than my births. The preparation to bring a 2 year old home who will surely hit the ground running has me needing to revamp my entire decor. I never ever had to do this for Emma and Eden but I have been told about boys ;-) I shall soon see.

Sometimes I just want to hold this moment at bay. The sweet moment of anticipation before the reality and arrival and the true work begins. Challenges and joys are what I am expecting. I have been told by many Kaz mamas to imagine our child as an alien, for lack of a better term. He is coming into a new world, so different than the life he knew before, to strange people, strange sounds and language and strange smells. We will take him on a 25 hour journey on a plane where he will then meet two eager young girls who have loved him for so long and will likely want to show it. He will be driven in cars and strapped into car seats, something he never experienced in his life. He will be fed foods he never ate before, be bathed in a tub (he likely has only had sponge baths) and taken to new doctors here for customary blood work. He will be touched and kissed and hugged and lotioned up. He will not be used to this touch, having normally had his sweet soft skin hidden beneath 3 layers of thick clothing. He will be lovingly touched and kissed, but slowly. He will learn to trust us. He will get used to loving touch. And kisses. Did I mention kisses? And hugs. He will have a new bed to sleep in and though I have tried to emulate the white pillow he sleeps on at the orphanage and a brown soft fleecy blanket with a bear on it, it is not the same .... not the same at all. And perhaps he might even sleep between me and Gary ... two strange people so close to him? So loving, so close ... but yet strange.

He will grieve. Surely he will grieve and miss and long for and cry for the people he left behind. He will not understand at his age how he came to be with us, that we are his mommy and daddy who will love him forever, that his old life will be mourned but never forgotten deep inside him. He will be scared. He will likely have tantrums and night terrors and lash out, unable to use his language, still so limited and not understood by me anyway, to express his fears. He will wake up many times a night wondering where he is and his heart will clutch for a moment. Soon my face will be a most familiar face to him but surely he will search for the "other mamas", those dear caregivers, who were 8 of his first mothers. Perhaps in Tyler and Henry and Dylan, he will search for the faces of his little friends whom he will never see again.

I never expected to be adopting a child almost two years old. It is likely one of a few tough ages in which to adopt. No longer a baby but still too young to understand the concept of coming home to a loving family. When I imagine Emma or Eden at age 2 being ripped from all they ever knew and going to live with someone else. One day you just take a walk out the doors and you get in a car and never turn back. It is heart breaking to think of this for Major while at the same time, I know it is life giving.

Thankfully I am getting my crazies out now. When Major comes home, this lady is gonna be the best mama this little boy ever knew. The best one he will ever know again.

Officially Official!

I woke up today in a foul mood from lots of stress and heightened anxiety** going on in this house the past few days to the knowledge that it was February 18th. Which means that while I was waking up here in New York, February 18th was nearing its' end in Kazakhstan. And what that meant was that 15 days had passed since our court date. 15 days in which appeals could have been made which were not. 15 days in which someone might have come forth but did not. Therefore, though I appeared to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, I realized quickly it was the most beautiful and right side of the bed in which I awoke when the knowledge hit me that today (the completion of the 15 day appeal period) marked the truly official day that Major Jonathan "Batyrhan" Karp unequivocally became a member of our delighted family forevermore.

Hallelujah!!!!

See you soon Little Boy!!! Mama loves you so!!

** not all mine, and not all relevant. Like, really, worrying about what gifts to buy the caregivers (and feeling the need to go from store to store) shouldn't cause as much stress as it is. I think I am transferring my anxious feelings onto trivial matters which in some ways is okay. It's something I do. Not to mention, a big little person in my house is acting as if she has PMS. Is this common in 7 year olds? It's so intense and my own nerves on edge as we near the end that it has me googling heart attack symptoms in women. Doesn't take me long to realize it's just stress and indigestion and that a warm quiet bath and a Tums is all I need. So there you have it. A new mom at her finest. And he isn't even home yet. Oy vey! Calgon, take me away!

Boxers or briefs? Or boxer briefs?

I bought boys' little undies today and onesies and sippy cups. Polo shirts and jeans and socks and hoodies. I didn't go overboard as Spring and a warm weather wardrobe will follow shortly after we come home. And I need to figure out if he really is a 2T. Multiple pairs of shoes were purchased because I was supposed to have measured his feet during my past trip but now have no idea of his size. I was hoping to avoid his shoe situation from the Baby House -- shoes that couldn't close properly on some days and on others, shoes in which his feet swam. But it will be figured out.

I am happy, excited and in disbelief. All of our paperwork on our end is properly dated. Nothing threatens to cause us any delays once we are there. I am sending away for my Visas for March 1 -- April 1.

How did I get to this time? It is an unbelievable feeling of anticipation. I still have much to do -- primarily painting Eden's pink room in preparation for a boy and ordering the toddler bed. Baby gate installation, something I never ever had to do for my girls, is next.

I feel like someone who has climbed Mount Everest or jumped out of an airplane. After something of that magnitude, you think surely you can accomplish anything. Of course this is just the beginning and other challenges and triumphs will ensue. But to get to this place knowing all my obstacles ... a miracle in and of itself. And I refer not even to lost paperwork and rejected fingerprints. I'm talking about the emotional stuff that came before -- the struggle to make the decision, stand up in the face of adversity and swing my husband over to this side. You couldn't ask for a more proud father to be. It's amazing.

I used to think I didn't want to be a billboard for adoption. But you know what? I want to be a billboard for adoption. If our story, a regular nice every day family who knew absolutely nothing about adoption at the start of this, could come out with a remarkable family and experience, then I hope with all my heart that in some way one day we will inspire others -- even Emma, Eden and Major themselves -- to open their hearts to a child who needs love, a family. One of the most important things in my life.

I also decided I feel ready to lose the darn extra pounds that distress me. I deserve to be the best me, the best mom and wife. Full of energy and vitality. So that my outer light will and can shine as bright as my inner light.

Determination? Check.
Dedication? Check.
Commitment? Check.
Passion? Check.

Carpe Diem!

Post Court Update from Home

It is my 4th day home since arriving back home from Kazakhstan and I am finally forcing myself to update my blog. My challenge was my plethora of emotions running through my brain and I am not even sure I can do justice to my thoughts even now, days later.

Perhaps a list will help me.

1. First and foremost, I am *thrilled* to have been granted permission legally to adopt our son. It is an amazing rush of emotions that stem from a few powerful feelings.
A. love and care of our little boy and the life we will share together and looking forward to being his Mommy and the person who will love him the most for all of his days
B. my amazing gratitude to my husband for getting on board and allowing us to get to this place and his unbelievable turn around
C. pride in myself when I think how far I have come personally in this journey. Years back, I was faced with so many emotional and "societal" challenges in my quest to adopt. I couldn't feel more proud of myself for staying my own course and not letting others (including my originally waffling husband;-) get in my way.

Though we are not yet home all together with the reality that daily life will bring, I am still amazed at how far we have come. After court, with a positive declaration by the Judge behind us, Gary and I walked the already familiar city streets of Almaty and I said "Can you believe we are at this place now?" Even Gary couldn't believe it that here we are - parents to a little boy through the amazing blessing of adoption. Just as I know the exact moment that my daughters were born, I made sure to look at my watch at the moment the Judge granted us the approval to adopt our son. We began our court appointment on February 3rd at 11:45 am and it was at 12:43 pm, after a 1 minute "decision making process" that the Judge called up back in, told us to rise, and said YES.

I want to hug and kiss Gary more than ever now because of how proud I am of *him.* To listen to him talk to people about the process - whether talking about our son and how cute he is, or telling funny stories about having eaten horse meat, or our trek through the Green Bazaar seeing the dangling pigs heads or our unique line of questioning during Court to Gary's agreeing to come with me for Trip #3 (FYI, both spouses only need to come to Kazakhstan for the first two trips and the take home trip can be done with just one parent.) Long ago, Gary had even suggested we use an escort to bring our child to America for us, but now, with an understanding of the process and what our son will go through to leave his country and travel all those hours, it is not even a question in his mind that both of us should not be there for him.

Gary, originally not very demonstrative and emotional about our adoption, to say the least, hugged me numerous times on our day of court and said to me "Steph, we have a son." It was a declaration of simultaneous pride and happiness and joyous disbelief. Surely this adventure has brought us closer. And though I do think we are a complete Family of 5, I actually asked Gary if we were to have one more child in what manner he would want to expand our family. Long before this, he thought pregnancy was the way to go. After this experience Gary actually said "I'm not sure" and that he would not be opposed to adopting again. Like I said, I think we have a complete family but the fact that Gary has been changed so much is miraculous to me. He feels the greatness in what we have given and in what we have received from this journey to our son.


Our Son's Name:
As I sit here pouring over the Restoration Hardware Baby web site for pretty room decor and wooden letters for his wall, I think about his name -- Major Jonathan Karp. A unique name and one that surely won't be forgotten. To give a little background about his first name -- it has been a favorite of Gary's for about 8.5 years, since I was pregnant with Emma and we didn't know if she'd be a boy or girl. I remember looking in baby name books, and we were originally searching for "M" names as Gary's father was called Mac, a derivative of Max, which means Greatest. Gary's father passed away when Gary was only 15 years old. When Gary saw Major, meaning Greater, he thought that would be a wonderful and unique name with which to honor his father, and in this manner, Gary now has a son to carry on his father's name. I have also always loved the name Jonathan which means "God's Gift" or "Given by God", and surely I feel that Major Jonathan, joining his family of two sisters, is one of our *three* greatest gifts from God.


Disappointment:
In the weeks leading up to our court trip, I had gathered more clothing and toys for our son to play with. Days before we left, I packed them carefully along with our sheet for the floor. I packed for him Gerber Puffs and Wafer cookies because I thought there'd be some memory there with foods. I also packed my Calyx perfume as that is what I was wearing last time. I had such visions in my head of how our reunion would be -- as any parent knows on this trip back to visit their child. The 5 weeks couldn't come soon enough. It was very hard for me in the first few weeks and as the Court Date loomed ahead, I began to feel the excitement of anticipation. Gary and I spoke ad nauseam about how we thought Major (!! ;-) would greet us. I knew from our translator Bolat, who kindly took photos for us, that he remembered him. Surely he would remember us at that time. My excitement grew daily. I packed a tape measure to measure his feet for shoes that I'd buy him for when we took him home. I also packed an Ergo carrier to get him used to being carried in this manner so close to me. I passed the time on my 12 hour layover in Astana thinking of our visits and kissing his pudgy cheeks again ... and again ... and again... and again.

But, "Go with the flow!" is the name of the adoption game, and it was only once we arrived in our hotel after traveling for 40 hours, that we were told we would not be visiting him. That the Baby House director does not or will not allow it due to our son's age and the hardship on him from the time we spent and then for us to leave again after a short time.

Back in our hotel room, with my jaw still on the floor and suffering exhaustion and jet lag, I had not yet let the severity of my disappointment register fully. I was extremely short-tempered to Gary as we began to unpack our bags. He recognized why and I finally allowed myself a good cry and began to see this for just a minor blip in the screen. I had to mentally get in the game for Court Day the next day.

I had not been told of this new non-visiting Court Trip in advance because our American team did not know this was now the case for BH#3, or perhaps for our specific circumstance. Though it was known in advance by our Belgian friends who were also at BH#3, it was a complete shock to me as everyone in America that I have known about has gotten to visit with their children during their court trip. And to visit the Baby House in general to bring the celebratory cakes and chocolates to the caregivers and director is a known thing that happens on the Court trip usually. But in our case, this was not going to happen. Though I contacted our agency in the US to gather more information about this new plan, we were told they had not known this would be our circumstance. And though it was offered as a slight suggestion to press on after court, I did not rock the boat even after court. Though I personally feel that any one on one attention with our son could only benefit him, I did not want to upset the system while he is in their care and perhaps make it worse for others after my case. I already know how Americans can often be viewed in international adoption. I did not want to add to this. I kept my eye on the prize and knew that the only way to get to the other side was to just get past this. As we had booked our trip for more days than needed to visit our son a few more times, without this visit, we changed our plans to come home the day after Court.

Court day came and dressed in our formal attire we drove with Timur, our driver, to pick up Jamila, one of our favorite caregivers, from the Baby House as she would be acting as our Baby House representative. While waiting behind the closed gates of the orphanage, I decided to snap a photo of at least the building on the day we became a family. With my camera already in hand and one photo snapped already, I noticed a group of children and caregivers rounding the corner of the property from their morning walk. Before I could even think through the sentence "Imagine if we see Batyrhan's group!" I saw a little boy holding the hand of a caregiver wearing the jacket he always wore with us. He raised his face to look up at his caregiver and there was the beautiful little face of our little boy. Imagine being in a car with closed windows behind the fence of the orphanage when you haven't seen your son for 5 weeks and will not for another 5 weeks. You can not call out to him and cause the stress the Baby House director was trying to avoid. You can only freak out next to your husband in the back seat of the car. When Timur did open the window for me, I managed a shot of the children's retreating backs. Through sheer luck, the shot was clear and Major was centered.

We received two photos from Bolat last night taken on February 3rd, the day he did become our son. He has two more teeth and a little bruise under his eye. His hair looks longer. He looks happy but also older. It will be at least 10 weeks total until we will have seen him again. I am fairly certain now that he will not remember us or at the least will show some trepidation upon seeing us. I know we will have taken many steps backward but I also know that, God willing, we have the rest of our long lives ahead of us to make up for lost time. Time passes so quickly and I just want him to be my little baby before he grows so quickly.

It's Official!! We did it!!

It's official, we are proud parents to a son! Please see the above video. A brief synopsis of the court appointment will come later. Thank you all so much for your support as we got to this joyous day!

Steph and Gary

My Life is Already Forever Changed

Just reminiscing ... This is the video I made after our second day of bonding with our little boy. It breaks my heart to watch this, I almost had to shut it off. A boy who enjoyed a mama and papa so much should not have to have them taken out of his life for so long for what are extremely long time frames due to government paperwork that must get done in Kazakhstan in order for our adoption to go through. The end result will be that soon this laugh will fill our rooms and hallways in Brooklyn. But it breaks my heart nonetheless that he should have had to be without us for so long. And then again, once we get home after court and he is officially our son, there is still another 5 weeks until he is home. Almaty happens to be a longer process than others.

I think of Batyrhan waiting, and I think of the other children left behind, and the countless orphans all over the world and in Haiti whose life might be bleak, who might never feel the joy of finding a family. Children who have to live their entire childhood in an institution that offers nothing but the basics and sometimes often less than that.

There are more than 100,000 children living in institutions throughout Kazakhstan.
48,000 of them are orphans.
When they turn 16 they will leave the system and 15% of them will commit suicide.
60% of the girls will become prostitutes and 70% of the boys will become criminals.
Only 295 children came home to America last year.

Two Hearts for Hope is a non profit organization that is dedicated to providing hope for those children in Kazakhstan who will never find forever families. Please find it in your hearts to donate even $5 to this organization that is truly doing G-d's work. Started by two adoptive moms with children born in Kazakhstan, Stacy and Kim, dear blog friends, could not turn their backs on those children still waiting. Currently Two Hearts for Hope is holding a raffle where you can win some cool prizes including Grandma Marsha's Beaded and Crocheted socks. Each raffle ticket is $5 and money goes towards the building of a huge playground in one of the orphanages outside of Almaty.



Click here to see a Video about Two Hearts for Hope which is where I found the above statistics.

Bedtime Songs AKA Musical Theater Karp Style