LETTER OF INVITATION TO KAZAKHSTAN HAS ARRIVED!!!

Our LOI (Letter of Invitation) has arrived!! And with shaking hands, sweaty palms and extremely sweaty pits, I announce that we are to leave in approximately 7-10 days.

I can not get a hold of Gary, he's at a meeting and unable to answer his phone. I need to speak to himmmmmm!!!!!!

I received "The Call" at 12:53 pm today. It was Julie, our coordinator at WHAL. I thought to myself, upon seeing her number again since we had just spoken yesterday, "Something's happening ...." These are the same words that popped into my head when my water broke with Emma's impending birth.

There is a child waiting for us. This dream is about to become a reality sooner than my heart and brain can comprehend.

Hold on tight, little one. We're coming!

Steph's In Perspective End of Day Grats

I am grateful that this day is over.

I am grateful that in between stress, I had moments of calm.

I am grateful for the amount I accomplished today.

I am grateful for my brother who took my kids for many hours today, a bonus, as it would have been too much to accomplish all I did with me.

I am grateful my own doctor and the kids' pediatrician gave me antibiotics for our travels to Kazakhstan, should we need them, and they are all packed away.

I am grateful for the huge amount of Rite Aid medication already packed away for the trip.

I am grateful for Lea and her amazing advice tonight about so many details of the trip, restaurants, people I'll be working with, visa application and more.

I am grateful that even though I wasted over an hour in the Police Dept today waiting for fingerprints to take place that never did, they will take place at 9am tomorrow without a problem.

I am grateful for my doctor giving me a last minute appointment tonight at 8:30 pm to come in to get a medical exam for the report i will need.

I am grateful to have found an international adoption specialist to trust that will do wonders for my peace of mind while in Kaz.

I am grateful that the kids and I are taking natural healing herbs to boost our immunity and so far it's working. Eden was one of 5 kids in school today when there are usually 22. I hope she stays strong!

I am grateful that the scary dreams I am having the past three nights are just irrational fears manifesting themselves in the night.

I am grateful for Lea's reminding me what a beautiful experience it was to meet her son.

I am grateful for Sharon's gentle reminder to take care of myself.

I am grateful for the Simon's gift of music and their inspiration.

I am grateful I can always talk to my mom and vent, even though I feel I vent entirely too much.

I am grateful that it's just gonna be a crazy few weeks of preparation and I'll get through it.

I am grateful to be open and honest about my experiences. They are human experiences after all.

I am grateful that this is all just "stuff" -- the important thing is a little boy who has yet to find out he has a mom and a dad and two big sisters waiting to love him.

I am grateful for the calm I feel right now, putting it all in perspective.

I am grateful for my conviction and great big heart.

I am grateful for my Family of 5, slowly but surely, making its way into being.

I am grateful for all of you.

Steph

Uplifting Words

In the midst of one of my most stressed out days ever, there was also some good (my brother and SIL agreeing to watch my kids for many hours this afternoon while I accomplished huge things from my Adoption To Do was a huge one), and another good moment came in the form of an email from Auntie A and really brightened my spirits. Thank you!

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The
Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 44 lessons life taught
me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer
rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

I have put in bold the ones that resonated with me today.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. !!!!!!!
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years,
will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business. !!
29. Time heals almost everything.. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Perspective

When I worry about all the goals on my To-Do list that need to met, I am reminded that the biggest goal is to become a family to a little boy.

When I worry about how am I ever going to get it all done, I am reminded that I will get it done, I can live without certain things if need be, the only thing to worry about is uniting with our little boy.

When I worry about how I'm going to manage being a mom to three, I realize that schedules will have to modified, family time adjusted, so that his and our adjustment goes smoothly as we become a family.

When I wrack my brain thinking of what to name him, I remind myself that he already has a name and he is called this name every day and whatever we name him feels secondary right now.

When I worry that I don't have my camera and video yet, I remind myself that I have the funds to simply make the order on Monday and likely I will have the items by Wednesday. It's that simple.

When I wonder and ponder about what he'll look like, I am reminded that he will be adorable in my eyes always.

When I worry about his health or other factors, I remind myself that biology is no guarantee of anything, that I will provide the best possible care available to him, that no one is perfect, that health blossoms with love.

When I wonder about the anxiety I might feel in the first few days there while we settle in to this new family, I am reminded that I will be with my husband and two big sisters who will surely make the transition easy.

When I think about how will I fill my days fully while there when not visiting him, I am reminded that we have the benefit of having my brother join us and regale us with his funny stories and observations always.

When I worry if I will be a good mother, I remind myself that I did something right with Emma and Eden, that sometimes being a good enough mother is good enough, that I know I am more than "good enough" most times,.

When I worry about how I don't eat frequently enough or get enough sleep many times, I remind myself that it's as easy as preparing my fridge with healthy grab-able snacks and getting into bed with a book by 10pm.

When I worry about my to-do list that seems to grow longer and longer each day, I remind myself that all things are doable if steps are taken daily. After all, how did we even get to here?

When I begin to wonder how did we, in fact, get here, I remind myself that I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. How foolish I was to think that all day pregnancy sickness was harder than this. How I know the days ahead with all I am to witness when I enter an orphanage for the first time in my life will impact me forever.

When I feel sorry that I wish I could do more, I remind myself that for one person, I will help to change the course of his life in ways that will bring joy to all of us.

When I think about how that first meeting will go, how will we know who our son is, I remind myself of what others before me have told me "Don't worry ... the child will choose you."

When think about how I make my dreams come true, I remind myself that there is one very lucky little boy waiting on the other side of the world who doesn't yet know the dream that awaits.

When worry starts to creep in about knowing who this little child will be, I think about a woman in white handing over a boy to me chattering away in high pitched excited speech, and the one word I can make out from her Kazakh elocution is the simple, beautiful word "Mama."

Oh, how I look forward to meeting you, little one ....

My Pinch Me Please Grats

I am grateful that fear is just fear, and nothing based in reality.

I am grateful and hopeful that when my plane finally lifts off in a few (TBD) weeks, I will feel a sense of calm that comes after having prepared for something for so long.

I am grateful that somewhere a child is waiting for us and will be the right child for our family.

I am grateful that I, along with the girls (Gary can't conceptualize yet) feel love in our hearts already for the person who will fill this spot.

I am grateful that all the paperwork I have to do to finish up will be minor compared to the paperwork I did long ago.

I am grateful to have many toiletries and cold weather attire (13 degrees F anyone?) packed already.

I am grateful to have researched and selected the best video camera for our trip and beyond.

I am grateful for dreaming daily of the blind travel/selection process because I know that it mentally prepares me for what is to come.

I am grateful that my subconscious mind at least is trying to absorb this all for G-d knows, I'm still having a tough time wrapping my head around it all.

I am grateful for taking one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other.

I am grateful for support all around me.

I am grateful to overall know, that despite my fear of the unknown, it's all going to work out as planned or as life plans for us.

I am grateful this is just about a little boy.

I am grateful to know, without one iota of a doubt, this is going to be the adventure of a lifetime.

I am grateful for getting to experience two of the many ways of having a family in my life.

I am grateful that Emma and Eden talk about adopting their own children one day, as I know this will surely impact them greatly.

I am grateful that time moves slowly and fast at the same time.

I am grateful for my Family of 5, slowly but surely,making it's way into being

Fleece Freak-Out and Planning For Privacy

Last night, I had an anxiety attack of the variety where I told Gary I could not put the kids to bed, it was imperative that I run to the mall and shop for fleece. Yes, that is right. I came home with more bags of fleece things than a girl going to Kazakhstan could ever want or need to brave the cold winters there. Here is a photo of just some of the fleece that will be traveling to Kazakhstan with us. Why not make it even more fun by guessing how many times you will be seeing these items in our photos? ;-)



I guess I was shopping to allay some fears that are underlying, for certainly when one is in a dressing room trying on fleece and sweating to death, one does not think of other things except said sweat. I believe I personally have what I need (I have already preselected the 4 pairs of pants I will take) and I just want to get Eden a warmer winter jacket and a better fleece (yup) lined hat. I told Gary please make his own list because the list of to-dos that I alone have to do to care for the preparation of me, Emma and Eden is huge. Fleece seems like an inane thing to focus on when dealing with such a big excitement, but I am happy to say I honestly got a few check marks off of my To Do list last night. And when I returned after my retail therapy, I did feel a bit more calm. I also put aside 4 books that I will take on the trip. I hope that is enough as surely with only Kazakh television channels to choose from, I will do a lot of reading. It's easier to focus on packing lists and things like that as the reality of meeting a child who will become my son is too huge sometimes for me to wrap my head around. The time is here. How did I get here? And am I in a dream? By putting one foot in front of the other each day and by always doing the next indicated thing. Each step led me closer and closer to these moments. I sure hope I can calm down the day I meet him enough to be "PRESENT" -- fully, emotionally, present to remember this moment, push past the jet lag, and feel a sense of relief when they hand him to me just like the dream I keep having of a woman in white handing over a child with a round face and big cheeks. Yes, little one, it was just you I was waiting for. A reunion of sorts. Not meeting someone unknown, but very much known in my heart of hearts.

As I prepare to leave in about 4 weeks or so, I also must think about Privacy issues so at this time I would love to say hello to those who read my blog and find out who might want to follow along on my journey. I feel bad in a way going private because I don't want someone who is in my very same boots who is still sitting on the fence to bypass my story. I want to be there for others the way countless families have been there for me. I want to help someone else by inspiring them to start or complete a family through adoption -- for themselves and for the sake of all the orphans in the world who wait without a mom to tuck them in at night. Of the countless things I pray for lately (from a girl who used to worry that she had no faith) I also pray that one day my story can and will enable someone to move from their own fears and anxious thoughts to see the bigger picture, to take the chance to make adoption a beautiful and most cherished part of their lives.

I'll leave this post up for a while I think unless anything new comes, but I would love to see who would like to follow along. For those who don't have experience with a private blog, it is important for me as I'm living life out there in Kaz bonding with a new child and all that comes along with that for my whole life to not be visible to people I don't know or know of. If you have been a constant blog reader, then you have surely been my friend, so please just announce yourself and provide your email address on the comment section for this post. For those who don't have a google account and have trouble with comments, please simply sign on as Anonymous and then don't forget to include your name and email address so I can add you to the list of those who can read this future private blog. I think I'll attempt to go private in the first week of November, at which point, if you haven't given my your email address, you will not be able to read Our Journey to 5 (but of course I'll gladly add you at any time.). And surely, it's just about to get really really exciting.

I remember when I first got engaged, I didn't go into work like many people might do and shove my ringed hand in front of people and say "I'm getting married!" I did nothing of the sort, I just went about my business until a friend said "Stephanie, is that a RING on your finger! My G-d, girl, why didn't you say anything!??" Granted, my friends at home all knew because I'm great at talking individually to one person. It's the group thing that gets me when it's about myself. Talking in front of a large crowd for work or being interviewed on TV about stuff, that I actually always relished. So there is a 'ham' that lives inside this person who is loathe to make big announcements. I think by now many have gathered that I do keep things in (though I feel open on this blog format in general) but in life, I'm not a 'look at me' type of person. I don't know too many of the parents yet at Eden's school and don't even know how to say to them anything about the adoption (it always seems to be large group conversations that are going on when I arrive) and my feeling is that one day they just won't see me there. And then they'll see me weeks later with a boy in an Ergo carrier and they'll say "Who's this?" and then "Whhhyyyyy didn't you tell us??!!" Similarly, I have said nothing on Facebook to more distant or old friends yet. Since these people are not in my daily life, they don't know my normal conversations about it and I'm wondering at this point what kind of status report just to alert people. I'm uncomfortable with this stuff in a way! I don't know why. Facebook is the perfect place to keep people up to date on your life and this is the Status Report of Status Reports and it's like a huuuuuge "Look at me!!!!!" It can't be any different than announcing a pregnancy on FB and those were always met with joy. Perhaps I'm just not in the mood to answer questions, which I know will come. Does that mean I'll have to post a Facebook "Note"? ;-) But this is all good stuff. Talking about it is great. It's a boon to adoption in general, to children all over, to one person taking a chance, an inspiration to others to do the same or just be educated about it. Simply put, it's the Karp family's happy news about a new family member, a lovely little boy whose addition will make Emma and Eden the big sisters they so desire to be, and it therefore deserves mention as all good and wonderful things do. So what is my problem now, after so long keeping it in from the kids and others, that I can't just say "The Karp family proudly announces that we'll soon be a family of 5 through the blessing of international adoption. Stay tuned!" For surely, I will post photos there. You know what, that actually sounded pretty good!! I guess that is a great and simple way to put it. Anyway, just some musings of more inane things. Should file this mini-freak out next to Fleece Freak Out as "How to Expertly Worry about Facebook Status Adoption Announcements to Avoid Thinking about Packing Lists and the Precious Boy Who Waits."
Thank you, dear friends and blog readers. Your constant listening ear always does wonders for me. What would I do without you?

Most likely, spontaneously combust.

You're Where I Belong by Trisha Yearwood

Adoption inspiration ...

Please pause my playlist to hear this beautiful song.