Sometimes a Song Says It All

Please pause my playlist at the bottom of this blog to hear this beautiful song by one of my favorite bands ... Rascal Flatts.

How To Tell The Girls

I am busting a gut to tell the girls. I'm so ready. I'm MORE than ready. They know ... I know they know. Deep down, they know that having a brother must be very soon on the horizon. But they don't know anything for sure. The don't assume it is definitely happening in that they have never spoken about it outside of our family, have never told a random person or even a relative that they will be big sisters one day (Well, once they did say "if we have a brother" to my mother.) Over the past year, with the help of friends and families we have visited as well as our very open and communicative nature, I have educated and informed them about how many families come to be. Emma and Eden have learned about adoption and have met many children who were adopted. We discussed (in terms appropriate for their age) some reasons why some children are in a position to wait for Mommies and Daddies. We have even discussed cleft palates and cleft lips as we just donated to Operation Smile. My kids did not bat an eye. In fact, I am sure it made them more compassionate in many ways towards many children who might require medical care, and those who still wait for families.

This is going to happen, and it's going to happen fairly quickly. At this point, we are waiting for a region assignment, with a possible first trip in November. Perhaps in January 2010, we will be a family of 5?

I want enough time now for the kids to absorb this all - enough time now for us to read books about adoption and openly talk with them and family members and have them share their excitement, their questions, their concerns, they joy.

Yesterday, in the car, Emma brought up again "if we have a brother ..." and she said "If we are going to do it, let's just figure this out already!" And "Let's just do it tomorrow already!" In a way, it's been good that I have held off, because of her request to have this happen immediately. Surely, when we tell them, I can flip one calendar page over and there will be perhaps a date or time frame circled and I can say "Emma and Eden - the time is now. This is when you are going to meet your brother."
I am still in shock that this is happening in a way and wonder if when I get to Kaz, I will be in a state of disbelief. I think part of the remedy to that is to tell the kids and actively start talking about it in the next few months before we go.

So my question to my blog friends, is how to tell them? I envision this being videotaped, I want to capture the excitement, in whatever way it manifests itself, on record. I don't know if a FlipVideo will do or a larger videocamera on a tripod somewhere hidden in the room. I just want this moment on tape but not contrived, just the way it is naturally. (I'm a huge documentary person in terms of photos and stuff on record for our family.)

I was thinking of a few things ...

A) Simple way - Simply tell them they are going to be big sisters and that Daddy and I decided their dream to be big sisters is absolutely going to come true

B) A little creative -- Get Big Sister balloons and have Gary bring them in to them while I'm chatting with them about something or have them walk into a room with a big bunch of these balloons in a cluster and then tell them

C) Creative or unclear, not sure -- Read them a bed time story I wrote about a big sister telling a little brother about how much they wished for him and now he's really here (I think they will get that it is them about a paragraph into the story though.)


If anyone has any sweet or memorable or just simple ways to tell them, I'd love to know your thoughts. Thank you!

Additionally, I wanted to also add that in the conversation in the car yesterday, as I have been thinking of "Expect the unexpected", I told the kids that sometimes people wish for a baby brother but in fact get a bigger brother, still a young boy to play with, but not they baby-baby they envisioned. Emma said "I don't care how old he is, I just want one already!!" I love that about Emma. In truth, I still maintain that for my family, for the fact that Eden is still so sensitive (lots of crying still and some babyish behavior at times) that a smaller baby who they can grow with is still best for us. Plus, they do adore real little babies and love to nurture these smaller children. But I just wanted to put that out there as a seed that might have to be planted.

In other news, someone I know who was previously opposed to the idea of adoption asked me if this was really going to happen. I said yes, it is! He said "This is so exciting!" and smiling, I replied "I know, but you didn't think so when we spoke about it before!" He said but now it's really happening, and it's all very interesting. Then he put his arm around me and shook my hand and said "I have to tell you, you sure are a woman of your word." You bet I am!!!! ;-)))

IMODIUM

Today I found out that our dossier has made it to the Ministry of Education!!! This means that the very next step is Region Assignment, where we are assigned the city/town in which our son lives now. From there, it will be a matter of the stars aligning properly for us to travel and meet the little boy that the Universe has in store for us. Red threads have twisted and pulled and still, I know, will lead me right to him in exactly the timing and manner in which it was meant to be. Though there is still no word on region just yet, we are hoping for a big city. I imagine, based on other timelines I have followed, that very soon we will know. Though, by going to a big city, I would be denied the opportunity to see the "real" Kazakhstan, or perhaps not the "real", per se, but a huge part of this great land, it is something that I feel is important as I am traveling with my daughters. I know that days might feel "Ground Hog Day"-ish, and I am hoping that even a visit to a local store or market or park will provide some form of entertainment. I have been told that small towns in Kazakhstan feature local livestock roaming the road. Though, from a world traveler's standpoint, this would be fascinating to see, I just don't think a town like that would sustain my daughters and my brother, who will be joining us as their caretaker and spending time alone together for what might be many hours a day. Plus, I am fearful of getting ill or if the kids get hurt and know that the best hospitals are in bigger cities.

I am again reminded of a roller coaster creaking it's way up the rickety track (click click click click) while the cars ahead of me slowly ascend and then disappear at the pinnacle. We are so close, it is absolutely hard to imagine that soon we'll be on the other side.

I had a lovely conversation with my sister in law about our plans and now over time we began to tell other family members as well. All my friends are slowly finding out as well.

I was told by someone so wise to me "When you speak to people (about anything), they will meet you exactly where you are." I never understood this fully, but I think back over the times I have been upset by not being understood fully in regards to any decision I was making in my life. In those times, perhaps how I presented myself was in such a way that essentially unwittingly welcomed counter comments. Let me just say, that during recent conversation and subsequent follow-up with so many important people in my life, I was so passionate, positive, definitive and determined (and calm and relaxed too) that there was no other possibility but for the most important people in our lives to meet us exactly where we are.

And where I am is completely at PEACE with our decision, EXCITED for this new family member, and full of FAITH, a feeling that was too long in coming to me, that everything is going to be okay.

Gary, might I add, also seems to be coming around too to the fact that travel is in our near future. He's on my side, he's a team mate and we're going to make two little girls very very happy one day soon when we tell them that their wish for a little brother is one or two calendar page flips away.

Steph

PS In regards to my post title, I didn't actually need said medicine, but if you can imagine the moment of finding out you are one step closer to a lifelong dream, I figured it was a fitting title!! ;-P

You know, I just took a look at the timeline on the side of my blog. I can not believe how far down in the timeline I am, how few steps left until we travel ... OH my!! I can't believe it! On second thought, I think I need said medicine after all .... gotta go!

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles ...

Those who know me a very long time know that I've been lamenting my inability to complete an exercise or a healthy eating regime for too long of a time. Long ago, I was athletic and fit -- genetics and movement played a role and in general, I was fairly trim. Though I am not super tall at 5'7", I was often called the "tall, thin one" in my youth. I had a huge appetite, an insatiable need for sweets, and because I was busy with fun physical pursuits (tennis team, swimming, etc) I never had to worry about losing weight. And so it came to pass, with the onset of motherhood and a more sedentary lifestyle, that I became someone who doesn't do that stuff any more. I know plenty of moms who make exercise part of their day -- I hear about it on the streets and read about them on their blogs and am simultaneously inspired and shamed because I know, with just a little bit of will power, I would no longer have to worry about inner thighs that chafe in the heat of summer. What used to be "the 5 lbs I need to lose" as I would grab an inch or two around my waist, had quickly become the 20 -25 lbs I definitely need to lose as I stuff myself like a sausage into my too tight capris. Not all of my blog photos show this, I crop delicately around what I want to eliminate, but many photos do show the extra lovable Steph. Certainly, in my day to day, I can not hide from the pudge my kids affectionately poke and prod. I am putting this out here because I need to show accountability and what better way than to announce into the blogosphere that I have packed on a few pounds too many and I am ready, as I near my 37th birthday on the auspicious 9.9.09, to commit to becoming a healthier and fitter me. I do not want to wait until Giardia hits me during my Kazakhstan visits to lose 20 lbs though a crazy part of me is very interested in meeting this fine protozoa.

I announce this into the blogosphere feeling very earnest and fed up, full now from an evening cup of coffee and way too many bites of these gargantuan cookies my friend Alissa insisted (encouraged? okay, just told me about) from a bakery in Manhattan called Levain Bakery on the Upper East Side of Manhattan where I happened to be today -- Okay, I mean, walked out of my way with my two kids, niece and tired mom in the hot sun, to find. Each cookie was $3.75 so that might alert you to the size of this doughy and crusty concoction, of which I bought six. I type this to you satiated and more than nauseous, though I only had mere bites and tastes of a couple of these cookies. So rich and decadent, I would not buy it again. A cookie lover I am, but this was entirely too much. Dark chocolate with chocolate chips and bits of peanut butter chips ... I should probably take a picture of these cookies. Okay, I will.



Looking at this photo, I can see this angle does not do the cookie justice so I have photographed the cookie in my hand. Unfortunately, those who know me also know that I have a super long hand so perhaps this does not do it justice either. Perhaps if I tell you that my hand is sometimes a good inch longer than other people's, you might be able to finally see the magnitude of this flour-y overly sweet chocolate-y confection. Here it is:



I am going to remove the bins and boxes of toys from my treadmill right now! I will dust off the control panel and remove the towels and hangers from the handle bars. I am going to put my sneakers and shorts and jog bra beside my bed so I can slip right into them tomorrow. In the morning, I will attempt 20 minutes of a walk/jog, and I will surely succeed at 10 modified push-ups. I will eat a fiber cereal for breakfast and a yogurt and fruit in the mid-morning. I will pace myself throughout the day with good foods so I am never too hungry and my blood sugar remains constant. I will fill my body with the fuel I need to have energy to be a fully engaged, spirited and vivacious parent to three! I will energize my body and mind and strengthen my muscles and ultimately so much more than this. I will inspire myself with what I can accomplish, because I now know it is never too late.

I will conquer cookie cravings! I will find the courage to emerge from where I have been hiding the past few years. I will succeed!

Over - Caffeinated, PMS-y and Introspective - what a happy package

It's 12:30 pm and my mind is wired from my Iced Mocha Latte that I had earlier this afternoon. I feel like I have nothing particular to say right now that hasn't already been said and I'm going to try to just write stream of conscious and see what emerges. I have to try to write without stopping otherwise I feel myself self editing. The other day I was thinking how through blogging I sort of "birthed" the way to this new family member. How amazing this writing process has been, how without it I wonder if I would have pushed forth and learned as much as I did which brought me to here. How in reality, I never really knew how this story would turn out, never really knew what path we'd take. Though I had hoped for this, I am part of a married unit and therefore can not make family decisions of this magnitude alone. I began blogging almost two years ago. I think it was October 2007. I'll have to go back and see. It feels like a long journey but it also feels like the right timing. Eden is 4 and starting Pre-K. I still kiss her and squish her and kiss her belly and bite the soft fat on the backs of her arms like I did when she was a baby. I hold her in the crook of my arms and just stare at her baby roundness or rather, pretend to still see it, as her long body snakes past me on the couch -- no longer taking up the small space she used to when I held her long ago. Does anyone else do this to their 4 1/2 year olds? I feel like I am sometimes perpetuating the baby-ness of her, yet I also feel that her cute freckles and upturned nose and adorable dainty yet prominent ears sort of lend themselves to this behavior. Who knows? Other times I think maybe it's me just missing having a baby around. A little over three years ago, Eden and I were attached at the hip, or rather, at the Baby Bjorn (I hadn't yet heard of the Ergo carriers at that time.) I have photos of me negotiating paint chips with our contractor when we first moved in to this house, with Eden's arms and legs dangling out in front of me and me talking over her head. I asked her today if she can stay like this for a long while and she told me No, she's gonna get big and be a big mommy one day. That day will be here in the blink of an eye.

I had some friends visit today and my good friend Jen stayed late and I sort of used her as a moderator to talk to Gary about our upcoming life change. I mention it to some degree quite often but for some reason (the caffeine? my PMS?) felt like bringing in a moderator or just another voice, would lead to insight. Jen said "Gary, you are gonna have a son soon!" and Gary just made this big goofy fake happy grin that got me mad. I don't want big goofy grins. I want what I feel. I want tears that come to his eyes when he imagines the experience, I want a hand to reach out to me, for him to stop joking that someone else should go to Kazakhstan and pretend it's him. Though I don't think he was joking as he seemed quite disappointed when I said that all passports and paperwork will have to match his face when we arrive. I get myself all nutsy (it's my nature) and his nature is quite the opposite but at the conclusion of our conversation he said to me "in the end, have I ever disappointed you?" and he put out his hand to punch knuckles with me. I know this is the case. Deep deep down, I know that seeing the Baby Home and the children there will affect him in ways that may one day pave the way for so much more that we can do for others. And most importantly, will perhaps be what begins to get through to his soft parts and help him to love this child forever.

The other night I watched Long Way Home on HBO about the traveling of child migrants from Mexico and South America across the U.S. border. It is days later and I still can't get out of my mind Freddy and Olga, two 9 year old adorable, naive, fearless, amazingly brave, desperate, courageous children (only filmed for mere minutes on the show) who ventured to get to America. In the end, however, no one knows if they made it as they were not seen again and could therefore not be filmed. I google searched hoping to find something out, afraid to find out the worst. Articles and interviews with the producer show that she too is quite upset that their whereabouts are unknown. What with sex trafficking and drug smuggling or terrible accidents that befell those who rode the tops of the Mexican freight trains to get close to the border, anything is possible. I am thinking the worst and shouldn't. I have to remain hopeful that they are safe.

I don't know if I always would have felt so strongly about these children or if my upcoming life change, all the readings I have done about lifestyles in poorer countries, that makes me feel this way, or is this my nature. I think, perhaps it is the mother in me, or that I have become someone who won't just sit idly by. Recently I jumped out of my car at a red light (while gary was in the driver's seat) to walk a blind man three blocks to the bus stop that, as I watched from the passenger seat with growing anxiousness, he couldn't seem to find. I also was the first responder at an accident of a man falling down a flight of stairs and placed a t-shirt under his head and waited until emergency help arrived. I found myself yesterday sticking my head out my car window and nicely but sternly pointing out the better way to dispose of garbage when I saw a young boy on a bicycle finish his bottle of soda and happily chuck it onto someone's front porch. These are minor minor things but yet I am showing myself to be someone who doesn't sit idly by. Perhaps I get too involved sometimes and don't mind my own business. When I hear of people adopting older children I am in awe. I know of other's first reactions to be shock and "what a risk!" What is the alternative, I think? Aren't we all together on this big blue marble?

Too tired to write more ... but I do feel that I will try to write more frequently during these next few weeks. I think I need to clear the noggin a bit. Either that, or lay off my new Dunkin Donuts Latte addiction.

Goodnight all!
Steph

Home Stretch!

I just got wonderful news today that our dossier has left the Kazakhstan Consulate in Washington, DC and is on its way to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Almaty, Kazakhstan! This means that our paperwork is finally heading to the country, and eventually the region, where our little boy waits. As I filled in the timeline on the side bar just minutes ago, I was amazed at how far down I am on the timeline from where I was a year or more ago. I have emotions that run the gamut from joy to fear to, after Eden's tantrum this morning, what have I gotten myself into, to satisfaction to pride to contentedness to excitement and back to joy. When my mother found out the news from my email earlier, she told me she cried. I was surprised by her reaction as I still hold myself guarded a bit with my news (even though my eyes also filled with tears) but my mother said "Why shouldn't I cry? I'm getting so excited ... I'm going to be a Grandma again!!" I love my supportive family!!!

If I have ever ever ever in my life doubted my ability to make things happen, to stick to a plan, to change the world in some small way, to affect the life of a child (including Emma and Eden), to persevere against self-doubt and outside opposition, to stick to it, I take it all back. I am building my family in exactly the way I dreamed of long ago and I couldn't be more proud.

Family of Four photos

When I look at these photos from our recent August trip to Beaches Turks and Caicos, I can't help but imagine images of a little boy filling in the empty spaces. Next year .... G-d willing, next year.