Home Stretch!

I just got wonderful news today that our dossier has left the Kazakhstan Consulate in Washington, DC and is on its way to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Almaty, Kazakhstan! This means that our paperwork is finally heading to the country, and eventually the region, where our little boy waits. As I filled in the timeline on the side bar just minutes ago, I was amazed at how far down I am on the timeline from where I was a year or more ago. I have emotions that run the gamut from joy to fear to, after Eden's tantrum this morning, what have I gotten myself into, to satisfaction to pride to contentedness to excitement and back to joy. When my mother found out the news from my email earlier, she told me she cried. I was surprised by her reaction as I still hold myself guarded a bit with my news (even though my eyes also filled with tears) but my mother said "Why shouldn't I cry? I'm getting so excited ... I'm going to be a Grandma again!!" I love my supportive family!!!

If I have ever ever ever in my life doubted my ability to make things happen, to stick to a plan, to change the world in some small way, to affect the life of a child (including Emma and Eden), to persevere against self-doubt and outside opposition, to stick to it, I take it all back. I am building my family in exactly the way I dreamed of long ago and I couldn't be more proud.

Family of Four photos

When I look at these photos from our recent August trip to Beaches Turks and Caicos, I can't help but imagine images of a little boy filling in the empty spaces. Next year .... G-d willing, next year.

Family Discussions

Emma has been bringing up the idea of a baby brother a lot. Today, Emma was hugging and kissing Eden and I commented on how loving she was and what a big sister. She said "I know! I just want to do this to a brother already!!" At night before bed, both girls were telling me all things they'd do with a baby brother. It includes absolutely EVERYTHING except changing poop diapers. So I said Let's call Daddy up here and get him in on the conversation.

Emma began with "Dad, we are really good sisters and we want to share our love with a brother. On a scale of one to ten, I want a brother a TEN." Gary seemed uncomfortable for a second saying "Really?" A non answer that bought him time. But then he began asking them questions and finding stuff out. We spoke about adoption again and how much love we all have to give and how very lucky we would be and our brother would be. And how very special this brother would be because if not for two sisters who desired a brother so very much, we might not be where we stand now. Emma wanted us to decide "right now" but I said this was an absolutely great discussion and this is a great start to more discussions about this. You can't just go "right now" anyway, these things take time. I asked Emma how she would feel if I was pregnant and she said "Oh, I don't want to be on The Baby Story again -- that is too embarrassing!" How funny that she thinks that is just part of my every day birth experience. Additionally, she said I would feel embarrassed for you if you had a pregnant belly because people would really think you are pregnant. I said, but I would be pregnant so that is okay and secondly, having a belly that is big from being pregnant is absolutely nothing to ever be embarrassed about. It would be a beautiful thing!

So, I just came down and spoke to Gary and he told me that hearing what Emma and Eden had to say really helped him comprehend their desire and begin to feel much more comfortable with being able to expand our family through adoption and give Emma and Eden a baby brother. He seemed a lot more at ease in general. We need more of these conversations. I have them with Emma and Eden all the time but they sometimes seemed reluctant to bring it up in front of Gary, perhaps having sensed ambivalence in these final hours. However, tonight in the dark of Emma's room, my cheeks were balled up in a silent smile for the words that were whispered in the dark between Gary and Emma and Eden. It's all good ... there is a real little boy who waits for us and it's all gonna be just great.

Conversations with Gary

As the reality sets in that in just a few months we will board a plane to meet the little boy I have been dreaming about, I have many emotions to manage. I feel happy and excited and that is my number one feeling. I feel nervous a bit too -- how will I manage my time and family life. I envision doing a lot while having a baby strapped to me and I hope that works out. I do feel lucky to live in a very walkable neighborhood as I will do my best to not be in and out of the car but instead will walk where I can to pick the kids up from school, do errands here and there. There are a few Gymboree style classes in the neighborhood and I will get back into the swing for that too. When Eden was outgrowing those classes, I was actually sick of them and couldn't wait to be done with "Mommy and Me" classes and what I deemed boring conversations of nap schedules, feeding preferences and stool consistencies. Now, I am ready again for them (the classes, not necessary the conversation!) in this next chapter of my life.

I know I will probably utilize my slow cooker and George Foreman grill more for easy dinners. I hope that my mom will be able to help with some school pick ups in the beginning as we'll have to have some time to acclimate. I have wonderful teen babysitters nearby and next door -- I know that they will prove to be necessary and a blessing too. I have friends in the neighborhood and a wonderful blog community that will help me manage the bumps. Gary's family will welcome this baby into our family and will help us manage the beginning getting to know you stage in any way they can. Though Gary's family knows about our adoption when we first began our paperwork 11 months ago, they do not yet know the details and how far along we have come. Gary always was adamant about wanting to tell them in person, and yet my kids don't officially know, so we were always waiting for an opportunity when our kids weren't around. I didn't want to tell my kids and have them burst into Gary's family's house and shout the news in that manner. And at the same time, I didn't want to tell his family when my kids are around because I want to tell them officially in a more special personal way that requires a bit of privacy. We never expected it would happen so fast, and now it's truly time to let everyone know this very exciting news.

So I'll be honest. Gary was a bit taken aback when I told him that our dossier has moved through the system so fast. Since I found out, I'm trying to have conversations with him but he's not so good about communicating in general. I recently found a great, detailed, beautiful blog of a family called the Morningstars and I've been reading bits and pieces of their bonding and travel to Gary as a way to foster communication. They greeted their adoption with utter joy, their travel with laughter (finding funny KZ products such as a cleaning product like Comet called BARF and purchasing canned horsemeat to bring home for Christmas) to their beautiful descriptions of traveling with their two boys to meet their daughter and the beautiful way this post was described, with a simple Post title called "United". Their commentary and joy has affected Gary in some way and I am very grateful. I feel a sense of relief in just talking about this change. It also enabled me to share with Gary some of my own recent blog posts. Gary doesn't do the email thing so he's rarely on the computer -- but he seemed to enjoy or at least be further educated by some of my posts.

Gary is such an amazing father. He encouraged me to go to Italy with my mom and held down the fort with ease -- making lunches for the kids each morning, packing their bags, taking them to and from camp, making dinners and bathing them each night. He was fantastic and I couldn't be more proud and happy that he is the father of my children. In fact, in so many ways, he is far more on the ball than I am. In this way, my worries for how this will all play out is assuaged because I know that, despite me sometimes worrying if there will truly be room on his lap for this little boy, I know that he will be a wonderful father in good time.

The other day we were walking in the local nature preserve all four of us holding hands across the wide path and, just to bring it up, I said to everyone -- If we had a brother, where would he fit here? and Emma, ever the big sister said, Mom, I will wear him in a pouch! He'll be right here! (and she patted her chest.)

I am grateful for my friends today who I had lunch with who greeted my news of the upcoming travel with joy and excited questions. The support of loved ones is so very important to me!

If You're Out There by John Legend

We finally had a chance to get a little more air time. I know that meeting what I consider good friends through my blog seems so unique but Eddie is someone I actually met through YouTube, which I think, in terms of really unique ways to meet someone, tops the cake ;-)

PS. Please pause my playlist at the bottom so you can hear this song.
Enjoy!

A Watched Pot Never Boils

I am reminded of this statement as I realize how quickly my time has flown this summer, especially since June 12 when our dossier was handed in. During this time, I prepared the kids for end of school activities then camp. I shopped, bought and planned for my trip to Italy. Italy flew by and now we're planning to enjoy a little vacation somewhere as a family in August. Soon school will start and all the excitement that Fall brings.

I say this because during these 6 weeks since our dossier was submitted, I was fortunate enough to have been so busy that I didn't watch the "proverbial" pot boiling.

Long ago, when I received a packet of information from our agency, it included something called The Travels of a Dossier and it listed steps 1-7. It all seemed so foreign to me -- I didn't understand what a dossier truly was, let alone the consulate or Ministry of Foreign Affairs in relation to international adoption.

Today I found out some surprising news. In all this time, just 6 weeks, my paperwork has made it to Step #4 in this process (out of 7). Currently, my dossier resides at the Consulate in Washington, DC, where any day (perhaps?) it will be released to my adoption agency's team in Kazakhstan. I've been told that travel could happen as early as September, based on available children, but still more likely October or so.

I just can't believe it! Still is months away but the fact that its moved so far and so fast has boggled my mind.

I've been told that things are moving along much quicker than the timeline on that postcard shows.

I'm thinking that there will be a day in October where I will be able to say "This is the day I met my son." I feel like I know him already. He has resided in my head for so long, then my heart. I no longer worry about this blind travel situation. I know that when I see him I will just know, and it will be a reunion more than a first meeting. That's the way I envision it, anyway.


What a journey!!!