Miracle

Softening

I showed Gary this photo tonight -- a Kazakhstan baby house photo taken by a photographer found on Flickr in 2007. Gary leaned in close and peered at the photo, observing that these kids are no longer babies and how sad it is to see this.

Today was Emma's 7th birthday. This flipvideo will share a bit of our day. Please pause my playlist at the bottom of the blog so that you can properly hear the video. By the way, the song that is playing in the background is the John Legend song I signed the other day for the AIDS awareness video. I will have to post me signing it soon. As well, there were some interesting discussions that took place today with Emma which shows the developing mind of my dear sweet amazing lovely Emma Baye. I will post tomorrow.

I did it, I bought the first piece of clothing for Baby Boy. I remember doing this with girls when I was about 5 months pregnant and knew for sure I was having a girl. The first clothing purchase, so very pink and girly, always felt so special. A threshold crossed. Yes, I can envision you in this.

Yesterday I went to the mall to pick up some things for Emma and Eden for camp and bought some shorts in Children's Place. And there I saw this little hoodie that I looked at, touched, put down, picked up again, touched all over, sighed over, then put back again, then just before leaving, quickly grabbed again. A size 12 months. Perhaps too small? The 18 month size seemed too huge but yet, perhaps more practical because it will have longevity.

I showed the sweatshirt to Gary and his face took on a softer look. I said
Do you feel something? He said, you know, I actually think I do! See, maybe he needs to see more visuals. He never did have a good imagination and he needs to see reality, that one day a little face will peer at him with loving eyes out from above this American flag.

Things are falling into place for me and everything seems serendipitous. Today I had a really unique opportunity to interpret in ASL a John Legend song called "If You're Out There" for an AIDS awareness campaign. We were the only signing family. I practiced for at least 15 hours over the course of just a few short days! I became so fluent but then today ... alas, I froze a bit during it and buried my face in my hands. The lights, the camera, the 20+ crew members just literally made my brain freeze! However, a few lines later I did get a hold of myself. OY! I did get to sign the song by myself once. Not sure how much Gary and Eden will be in it. I know the edits will be done so that the best lines from each group is used so no one will ever know I faltered ... but still. I was like ARGH! I couldn't be more proud of Emma, however -- she was singled out to sign alone and she shone like a star. She told me "Mom, I made a mistake but I didn't focus on it. I just kept thinking about how proud I was of myself." My, have we come a long way. A few weeks back she was so upset for making a word slip up during a school reading and could barely sleep because of it. I told her no one is perfect, focus on the good of the experience. And today, she absolutely did!

We will be edited into a video with the "Real Housewives" of NY and NJ (whom we saw today at the shoot), some Broadway stars, some NFL players and some others who I don't yet know. It was a very cool experience -- and we're also now invited to the video launch party next week which will feature Cynthia Nixon, Pamela Anderson, Margaret Cho, Joy Behar and others. How did I get involved? I actually once commented on an ASL YouTube video which led to some common ground with the signer who happens to work for this production company and lives in Brooklyn ... and the rest is history. I bring this up, not only because it's cool ;-), but because the production company is called Red Thread Productions and I had been wondering if the name was referring to the same red thread to which I think of as a prospective adoptive parent. I spoke to the owner of the company and asked her how she got her name. She told me "There is this Chinese saying ..." I said, "I know it well." And she began to tell me about her own adoption. The Universe is working in mysterious ways ...

When the video becomes available to me in about two weeks, I will post the link so that you can see me in action with the Housewives. Some crew members asked each other "Which Housewife is she?" Now trust me, with the mist of rain in the air and my hair responding in kind, I looked more like a house frau than a Housewife. However, it was funny to be mistaken for a reality TV star ;-) I am discovering that I can and always will star in my own life if I keep saying Yes to what is most important to me.

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

So it is off! As of 7pm tonight, the dossier package was deposited at my nearest FedEx and will arrive at With Hope and Love Adoption Agency on Monday morning. I hope it will pass muster there and then begin it's journey throughout Kazakhstan. I have always held on to the idea of this red thread that is proverbially linking me with the child we were meant to have. I couldn't get that visual go and so I taped a small piece of red thread, tied in a bow, to the cover page of my dossier. I am sure it can be removed easily but I felt the need to make that visual in my mind into a tangible. I said a prayer and kissed that little red thread and then it was off.

The photos above are powerful to me because for years, when I have followed blogs, I have often loved to see prospective adoptive parents with their stacks of paper. This stack of paper, I believe, is analagous to a pregnancy pee stick. I love the stock images that some people include in their blog that show a tall mountain of paper in perfect lighting. I always thought the paper stack really was that high -- now I know it just feels like that.

My dear friend Kim always reminded me that my dining room table (which seats 10) is strong, sturdy and made for hearty meals and hearty eating. Now that I was able to cover the entire surface with apostilled documents, I look forward to the day when Baby Boy is sitting at the high chair eating his own hearty meal, flinging a piece of cauliflower here and a small piece of meat there, and the dream is finally the reality. I will flash back to the day of June 12, 2009 when I eagerly spread Apostilles and documents across the table that now supports, feeds and sustains the Karp Family of 5.

Thanks again for everyone's well wishes on this wonderful milestone! For surely it has been a long time coming. And now, once again, a hearty WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We did it!!!!!!!!

How do I spell relief? A P O S T I L L E !!!!

I am the proud owner of bright, shiny happy Apostilles! ! I feel relieved, proud, happy, exhausted, content!

For those who have followed my paperwork journey the past few stressful days and my declaration that the rest would go smoothly, in the end, all was fantastic because I have in my hands, all the efforts of labor these past few months. But just because it's pretty darn unbelievable, I must share that today actually had challenges too -- My dad picked me up at 7:30 am and we drove in rush hour traffic for 45 minutes just 6 miles to wait 40 minutes until the doors opened and then on line for 40 minutes to be told that, once again, 4 of my documents couldn't be authenticated because the Notary (the new one I used yesterday to fix the other faux pas) was not registered in this county either. I almost cried but didn't. I was a pro at this now and I had a determination that this WOULD get done today. I returned back home with my dad, found Gary at his office, renotarized at the local Notary and headed right back where I needed to go in Downtown Brooklyn and then over the bridge into Manhattan. In the early morning, on my first visit, I remember seeing an office worker at the Kings County Clerk's office whose hair was still wet from a morning shower and her eyes were still small from sleep. I noticed that when I finally got back with the new notarizations at noon, her hair was dry and she looked bright-eyed. I just thought it was a unique observation of the passage of time. Like watching those photo montage videos that show a flower blooming or spring become summer and then fall. All of a sudden, there you are.

I want to focus on the positive, on my strength today. A cop yelled at my father in a completely arrogant way over a parking question my dad had, and I said -- "Please speak more gently to people." And he paused, apologized and did. I have never been so bold.

My father, exhausted, having to take constant bathroom breaks because of his medication, having nothing to read because he had finished the morning papers earlier, chauffeured me around and simply sat idly waiting for me today for 8 hours straight. He spent time waiting in illegal parking spots or circling crowded downtown Manhattan city streets with roads so narrow it made it difficult to see because my dad is blind in one eye all so that I could have company and manage this process with as little stress as possible.

Once my second set of Notaries were authenticated in the Kings County Clerk's office in Brooklyn, I then headed to Manhattan's Supreme Court building to authenticate my marriage certificates. Finally, I took all my authenticated papers to 123 William Street to complete my journey with the Apostille process. After the initial upset from the morning, the rest was smooth sailing in every step of the way. Things took time but there were no glitches.

I treated myself to a Starbuck's Frappacino on the way to where my father was parked. I felt like crying earlier when my father said he'd drive me home and then back again so that I could complete this all today. His support was immense. There were no words. I felt like crying on the way home for the relief of it all, the sheer exhaustion from not having slept well last night and all the shlepping around today with my heart caught in my throat. It felt like such a journey and it has been.

I look forward to celebrating our completion with Gary in a few weeks, when his busy season has ended and he can relax and start to settle in to news that, by sometime next week, when all is approved, we will officially be paper ready prospective adoptive parents. Wow, I can't believe it. From adoption decision making when I first began this blog to finally having something tangible to say "Yes, Steph, here it is -- proof of all you have dreamed of."

I will post again tomorrow when all is compiled to sent out to With Hope and Love Adoption agency.

Thank you to all who wrote with comments and support the past few days! Your words were always uplifting to me!

Until then .... goodnight!!

Steph

Being Breezy Sure Ain't Eezy

Early this morning, in the thunder and rain, I drove an hour to Nassau County Long Island County Clerk's office only to be told that the Notary Public whose signature I was authenticating did not notarize my paper properly (it needed to say "was sworn by me") nor was he actually qualified in Nassau County, as his stamp states, something I would never have known unless I thought to ask him "hey, are you really certified in Nassau County like your stamp says?" Plus, it was a third party document. I never even saw the guy -- all was done through FedEX through our accountant who was so diligent in getting us the info and obviously was unaware. So, after about 15 minutes of two clerks doing some research as I looked up towards the ceiling or anything to keep my chin from quivering, they told me I actually need to be at the County Clerk's office in Queens where this Notary was in fact qualified, but since his stamp is actually wrong, nothing could be done for me anyway except to renotarize. And that I should contact this Notary Public and tell him he is doing business improperly since his stamp is incorrect and therefore he can never officially be authenticated. Now, I know I certainly didn't manifest that.

What I did manifest however is the courage to call my adoption coordinator at her home at 8:30am her time (Pacific time) and ask her, while I was still out on Long Island and before I left, how else this can be handled to avoid any additional issues. What we decided is that tomorrow Gary and I will get the papers renotarized in Brooklyn with our own signatures, not the accountant's, this time with a sentence that states the documents pertain to us. When I get the Brooklyn notaries authenticated, I will tell them to ignore the original notarization from Nassau County. I called the Kings County Clerk and verified about 5 times that there will be a defunct notary on my paper which must be ignored. It appears that all will be okay.

Though plans are always changing, it is now estimated by me that should all go as planned, we'll get the documents Apostilled on Thursday.

Since I was already out on Long Island today, minutes from Roosevelt Field Mall, my favorite place to shop, I consoled myself with a wee bit of retail therapy before I headed home. In that way, my trip out to Long Island was not for naught.

Plus, last night Gary and I spoke about the support I need. That was good and needed.

I complete this adoption dossier process with ease and peace.
Finishing up the final steps will be a breeze, with Gary by my side to support me every step of the way.

What I Think About, I Bring About

Is it possible that with all my indecision in the beginning about our adoption that I subconsciously put it out into the universe that we had ambivalence about the process, that these hiccups along the way were set up to challenge me to see if we had the gusto to keep moving forward? Is that all a bunch of mumbo jumbo or truth? Have I been getting in my own way? Someone whom I trust very much in my life and look up to presented me with that idea -- not to make me doubt myself, but to say, is it possible? I just wonder. Or, again, were these hiccups a part of the Greater Plan to bring us together with our son at exactly the right time?

I want to correct my thinking which lately has encountered anxiety and worry about too many things -- both within the adoption and outside of it. I have so many little stressors going on that individually don't appear to be life changing or earth shattering but which, nonetheless, do cause stress. Have I not given myself enough room to ask for help and support for the huge undertaking of adding a 3rd child to our family and all that will entail? I have to give myself a break and chance to accept help, especially from Gary, my partner in all this. He's had so much aggravation and stress with work the past month that I assume letting him on in the adoption stuff will be too much for him to bear. I need support too and I have not allowed myself to ask for it. I am not a martyr and don't have to be. I need to feel a collective partnering and I now realize that the more I set the tone and involve him, the more support I will receive. I need to know he has my back. And, he is so responsive to this, I realize. All I have to do is ask. I am not my own island, especially in this adoption process -- both now and when our son comes home to us, and when he grows and encounters a whole world of stuff out there. Gary and I are a team and we respond to our family as a united front.

I want to take a deep breath and realize a new truth because what I focus my attention on grows. This adoption process is effortless and easy for me. This is a breeze and Gary and I are totally in this together. I ask for what I want from him and do not expect him to read my mind. Whatever I communicate to him, I am setting up to come true. I want to declare this adoption process with joy. I am so close. I trust that everything is meant for our highest good and that whatever is meant to be will be. I have faith that the Universe is on my side and that the whole world supports my visions. I declare this adoption with joy and accept this child into our family with joy -- and this is exactly where I expect others in my life to meet me.

Now, if you have already figured out that I had a Life Coaching session today, then you get a star!

My new affirmation:
I complete this adoption dossier process with ease and peace.
Finishing up the final steps will be a breeze, with Gary by my side to support me every step of the way.