Oscar Inspiration

Just heard Jerry Lewis say this on the Oscar's tonight and had to google it.

I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
-- Stephan Grellet

Past week or so, Eden has been so testy and tempermental. She cries at the drop of a hat instead of "using her words", which is what an almost 4 year old should be doing. When she is sweet, this girl is so sweet you can eat her up. She is so gentle when she plays with her dolls and so kind and nurturing. But that is one side of her. When she is not so sweet, she is actually quite a bully to her older sister. She will hit, pinch and push while Emma does nothing back, thankfully. She has never hurt her back, but comes over to tell us, sometimes saying "Why is my sister so mean to me?" How did this happen, and have Gary and I done something to allow this to continue? Today we were more consistent (than usual?), taking her numerous times out of a birthday party when her behavior was less than "party-like." She doesn't even care when we take her out, she is very defiant and physically difficult to handle. And loud! Piercing shrieks and bucking. And then moments later, when she finally gets it under control, so sweet and adorable. I'm gonna have to be on the ball with this one. Could it also be low blood sugar, sometimes I have wondered that bc it could happen when she wakes up from a 12 hour sleep or sometimes before dinner. I will have to offer more frequent healthy snacks and see if this helps. I sure know that I'm nasty from this sometimes, and sometimes you don't feel especially hungry. Well, anyway, it is at moments like these during the past week where I, again, think to myself, what the heck am I getting myself into? Gary reminds me that Emma had difficult moments and now, her maturity and ability to "get it" and compose herself are remarkable. So, it is most likely that Eden too, with stricter parenting, will most likely outgrow this. I must reinstate the rewards chart! It worked ... Why did i let this go!? Tomorrow is a new day.

Today, reading Lea's post while she is in Kaz, I saw some photos of children in their cribs. One boy in particular caught my eye. He might not have been the cutest of the children, though of course he was really very cute. But he had the rounded pudgy face of the little Kazakh boy in my mind's eye. I kept staring at this photo. It was the boy I envision when I think about a baby being handed over to me ... remarkable.

It's been many days since I have heard that my home study had the completed information. However, I still wait for the hard copy. I hope it comes this week, I really have to get moving in my Journey to 5. How many times can I question its whereabouts? I'll call again in a day or so.

Well, goodnight dear friends ... Tomorrow school starts back again after a week off and a house full of sickness. Back to the busy life of school, classes and activities ...

A Re-Introduction to Us

I've been thinking how important it has been to follow along on the journey of others through their blogs. But yet some blogs I discover midway through their trip and I often don't have the time to go back to the beginning of the blogs of all those I follow. There is so much of the story that I often miss -- what came before? I thought I'd take this time to introduce myself and our Journey to 5 again in case there are some of you just jumping in now. Plus, Carolyn and Lea were jonesing for a longer post, so here goes.

Hi, my name is Stephanie and I'm 36 years old. This year (or most likely early 2010?), my husband and I, along with our now almost 4 and 7 year old daughters, will leave the familiar comforts of Brooklyn, New York for up to two months (or multiple trips?) to travel halfway around the world to Central Asia. There, we will meet and bring home the little brother we have all been waiting to adore. I have used this blog to chronicle our decision to adopt and the journey in our hearts (and eventually across the miles) to our son. In 2007, we struggled with the decision of how to expand our family (see early posts), and then over time with much education and insight, we joyously became certain that our son waits for us in Kazakhstan. Share with us as we experience the extensive legal paper chase that will culminate, eventually, in the triumphant joy of having all three of our children together in our arms for the first time ... 9,000 miles away from home.

In 2002, I had a once in a lifetime "birth story" experience when I gave birth on The Learning Channel's A Baby Story. Two beautiful daughters later, I wondered if I had the guts to forgo biology, to relinquish the miracle of birth and the idea of a new birth story to embark on an unexpected journey that would birth our family in an entirely new way. Would I make the choice to follow a dream I have had since childhood and add to our family through another sort of miracle -- international adoption?

Although I always desired three children, our family of four felt complete, even and perfect like a square. It was my dear daughters who actually showed me that my lap had room for one more. And the question of how to add to our family still lingered. In Portuguese, there is a word, "saudades", which means "nostalgia for something that never was." I began to miss the child I might never carry and give birth to, the child I knew we could still physically bring into our world. Still, there was a nameless child I saw in my mind. He looked nothing like our family, but he called me Mama. Over time, thanks to dozens of adoptive families who opened their hearts, shared their children with us and became our friends, and having read countless blogs, books and articles, I had a husband who -- although not fully on board at the time -- began to warm to the idea of adding to our family in a way he never envisioned. Outspoken friends and family were shocked and in disbelief when they found out we had no fertility challenges, that adoption was a loving choice we were making. My emotions were all over the place, my desires strong, but fears also were prevalent in my thoughts. In the end, I chose to listen to my heart when no one else was speaking. One year later, I was certain that this child who lived in my heart, our child, deserved to be a true possibility. And now, with full conviction and anticipation for what is to come (despite the many obstacles that prevented a smooth start and continue to plague our homestudy paperwork), my husband and I have officially begun the long, emotional and exhilarating journey of adding to our family through the miracle of international adoption.

Will my home study ever be complete? How many documents will have to be redone due to them already expiring? Will we do a three trip journey in a city such as Almaty or Astana? Will my husband be okay with the traveling? Will we manage the blind travel process as well as others have? Will my daughters adore their baby brother right away? How will my family handle living in a foreign country? Will we venture to try horse meat (a staple beef in Kaz?) How long will it take for us to feel like a family? Will I come to view the intense experience of adoption as more (or equal to) jubilant than child birth? Will I manage the conflicting feelngs of the loss of our son's birth parents and the only home he's ever known while simultaneously rejoicing at us becoming his family? Will our son simply be that ... our son?

If this has interested you, please feel free to read back in our journey from its inception. Follow along with us through our paperchase and future travel and our eventual return home as a family if five. As so many of the families out there have been inspirations and sources of education for me, I would love to be able to be the same source of inspiration for others and welcome any questions about our journey. This adoptive community has been a priceless gift to me. Thank you all!

Steph

(Above photo, a random slice of happy life, November 22, 2008)

One Step Closer

With happiness, I report -- I just got an email from our home study agent that she received the last of our clearances to complete our Home Study needs. Our child abuse and criminal records are clear, and after an unheard of 7 long months to complete the Home Study process, looks like soon enough we will *finally* be ready to move onto the next steps! Hallelulyah! Mazel Tov! And a hearty WOOOO HOOOOO!

Happy Birthday, dear Gary!

A huge happy birthday shout out is order for my dear Gary today. He turns 48 big ones! How does the time fly? And ... how am I married to a 48 year old? ;-) (Sorry, Gar.) Ah, yes, we are 11.5 years apart, and sometimes his numbers still surprise me. But then again, I am closer to 40 than I am to 30, so I shouldn't be talking. Age is a state of mind! Or so they say. I'm just absolutely grateful to have healthy, happy, evolving years with Gary for as long as we have. In fact, if truth be known, we went to a marriage counselor a few times in the past couple of months. Not because anything is wrong or out of the norm, but there is always room to grow. He wasn't really into it at first, but I think Gary's liking the results. G-d bless him for agreeing to go because I know many men who have refused to go to counseling with their wives, and I'm thankful my husband is, not necessary a fan of counseling, but rather a big enough fan of Steph, to want to go for me. I absolutely want the very best in my marriage and my life. I'm not ashamed to say I enjoy having a neutral party in my life a lot. If I'm so into self-development and my women's empowerment classes, then I also want to devote my energies to our family unit as well in this same manner. We used to go a while back as a family when Emma was having anxiety. We spoke a lot about parenting and then about us. I think it's really important to have an outlet like this. So that's my two cents on counseling! Since my mom will probably be appalled that I wrote this in my blog, I might second guess my honesty and remove this at some point. Until then, I have a feeling of midnight honesty and I'm just feeling so grateful now for Gary, so I'll leave it in. I'll see how I feel about it tomorrow! ;-)

Thanks to my friends who checked in on me and miss my blog posts. I have not had a lot to report on on the adoption front so I've been a bit quiet. But just today I found out that my recent set of fingerprints were approved and ... Gary's 3rd and 4th set were rejected yet again. Does this mean I have another two months of waiting for new cards and new results? I will speak to the home study agent on Monday to see what actions can be taken. I am disappointed but not letting it get to me. I am reminded often of Sarah's many "rejections", and those snafus were what led her to her wonderful daughter. So that is the way life goes.

I am thinking that with all that is going on, however, I'm hoping that 2010 will be our year. I can't imagine that it's all going to happen this year any more. When I first began, I thought Eden was too young to be a big sister and deal with the ramifications of being a "middle child" so soon. She still had so many needs. Now, most likely, she'll be 5 when she becomes a big sister, and Emma will be 8. Certainly, they'll be older than I'd planned, and so will I. I guess I'll be close to 38. Which means, if I did ever decide to get pregnant again, I'd be close to 40. Again, these "lucky" delays would be pushing me into different ages than I'd originally thought. And maybe that age would actually make it an impossibility to have a child for me. If it was a desire at all. Most likely this little boy will complete our family unit and there will be no journey to 6. Even if so, I'm not giving up due to time delays. I was recently asked if I want "my own child too" (their words, not mine) -- and I adamantly said "Right now, I'm only focused on our adoption, nothing else." I am amazed at myself sometimes that I'm still going strong. But it's no longer myself I think about. I know that this child is actually relying on us. So there is absolutely NO WAY I will turn my back on my child, even if he is not yet born. This is the child that my proverbial red thread is attaced to, and I will not ignore it just because of age, numbers or timing. When it happens, it will be the right time.

We got Eden a doll for Hanukkah and it was so cute and little. While the kids were asleep, Gary was holding the doll looking at it. And so unlike him to "pretend", he got behind me and held the doll in front of us, and faced us both into the reflection from my kitchen glass door. He said "Our first family photo. Hi, everyone, meet X! (fill in Baby Boy name which we may or may not name our child.)
I thought it was pretty great that he did that. With all the waiting and logistics going on, we haven't spoken too much about the reality again. So the fact that his statement seemed to show he did have a picture in his head and a vision of bringing Baby Boy home was pretty great.

Speaking of dolls, I am so proud of Emma. Last night, she had a Kris Kringle gift exchange at her Brownie meeting (it was delayed from Christmas time.) The entire day, she could barely contain herself, she was so excited for what the evening's meeting would bring, and what kind of gift she would pick, etc. etc. She came home that night and showed me her long awaited gift. She wound up selecting a gift that she doesn't like -- some faux Barbie dolls whose skin color was actually a mottled gray. She doesn't and never has played with dolls. She is a notebook girl, arts and crafts, Wii games, guitar player ... but I digress. Anyway, it was her friend's gift that she'd picked, and although disappointment probably laid like a stone in her stomach, she simply said "I love it!" Now, I have certainly not taught her to hide her feelings. She has to speak up if anything is bothering her, but she is so sensitive to others' needs as well, that she absolutely did not want to hurt her friends' feelings. The leader gave some girls an opportunity to exchange, but Emma's friend was so happy that it was Emma who got her gift, that Emma didn't want to break her heart. I know the difference between what Emma did and stifling your own feelings even though you are miserable. Emma actually wasn't miserable about this gift, despite looking so forward to the gift exchange. She simply let it go and valued her friends feelings, which I thought was so very mature for a 6 year old. But Emma wound up getting a surprise when she got home. I was so proud of how she handled herself, that I gave her just a few little trinkets I had not given her for Hannukah -- sticker sheets, a craft box to put beads in, and a pencil case. Man, you would have thought I gave her a Wii game with her excitement. Then it got me thinking ... is she just being polite yet again?! ;-) No, I think I just know my daughter and the little things that make her happy ... and she was.

In closing, I just wanted to say that I'm so pleased that I have so many people I can share the waiting with and the disappointments and just the reality of the adoption process and how we stand in the process. Thank you to all my blog friends and a huge thank you to my friends who treat the process as if it actually is happening, despite nothing yet to show for it. During this trying time, I only want to hear stories that support the feelings in my heart, and it is to your support that I turn.

Gearing up for a family party for Gary in our house tomorrow. Baking is all done, but there are a few hot spots left to declutter! Time for me to sign off. More to come ...

Peace out!
Steph

Keep the Faith

The truth? I am having a tough time maintaining the image of our son in my mind. Nothing's happening. No paperwork has been approved yet. We are still months away from a complete home study, and even MORE months away from the all important I171. I am not giving up, let me assure you. But the belief that one day this will happen for us too, even in the face of others moving ahead with wonderful news and progress that should give hope, is hard to maintain. It feels very removed right now, but perhaps this is par for the course. I'm not just waiting post paperwork in that "paper pregnancy" stage knowing and assuming what my status is, I'm simply wondering constantly if our paperwork is lost or rejected and will ever move us forward at all. What will be happening in our lives on Dec. 22, 2009? How will my thoughts have changed, and at what stage will we be then? Thankfully, I have lots to be grateful for, and much joy to celebrate this holiday season, that resurfaces more with each word I type now. It's okay to feel down once in a while. I can see it's part of the emotional roller coaster of international adoption, and at its' very base stage. What other twists and dips and soaring heights are to come? It's okay that today was one filled with disappointments and frustrations. The point is that I have the ability to flip it around, to come out on top, to feel gratitude for all that I hold in my life right now. For all that is, in time, yet to be.

Emma put it best yesterday, in the dark car driving home from Gary's mother's Hanukkah celebration. Unprovoked, she asked "You know what my favorite gift is? Mommy, Daddy and Eden." And that is what I hold dear at the times when I feel like a big poop.

Recurring Dream

I have been reminded lately of a recurring dream that I used to have when I was a child, maybe 9 or 10. In the middle of the night, I would hear a baby crying outside the front door. When I went to the door, there was a baby, swaddled in blankets and wrapped in a small wicker basket, waiting for me to take him inside. Once inside, I, in all of my ten years, would proceed to care for this baby as if this baby was always my own. I think, in my dreams, I did have thoughts of "how did this baby get here" and "what should I do" and "should I wake my parents and call the police", but there were also huge feelings of peacefullness and joy knowing that this baby was seemingly sent just for me. In the dreams, and in my young age, I don't recall thinking of birth parents and the ramifications of a baby being left for me in this manner. In the dream, I remember feeling like I had just received a gift.

Has anyone else ever had dreams like this?

I also had one other recurring dream in my life of various men chasing me through subway tunnels with guns. I'm assuming that one is not a foreshadow of anything!

Greetings on a Rainy Night

The rain is pelting down on my attic sky light. I like the sound. I've got a mess around me of organization. A dichtomy of thoughts. Perhaps I took out much more than could be put back in. I have photo boxes out with mounds of photos finally being sorted but still in disarray. I finally have clear carpet in my attic and in Emma's room where, once, there were bins and piles of last season's clothing. Tonight, I found a few more outfits worn by Emma and Eden as babies that made me quickly kiss them before I set them in the donation pile. I found a onesie with blue bears that I had once bought for Eden thinking it was so cozy looking and the blue would match her eyes. I remember ultimately not putting Eden in it because it felt too boyish. Perhaps it was a boy's onesie. So, tonight, I set it aside for my little one to be. A hand me down of sorts, from his big sister. Or, perhaps meant for him all along.

Last week, we received a lovely gift from our agency (JHA) -- an afghan purchased from Afghans for Orphans. I had just recently been thinking of the afghan my grandmother had made for my children long before I had even gotten married. She had arthritis and her fingers could still crochet and she wanted me to have it then for my future children. Emma and Eden were both wrapped in it when they were born. I sometimes think of how both my grandmothers would have loved to have played with my children. What would they think of the venture we have embarked on? They enter my mind so often -- my world holds so many reminders of those I have held dear. The blanket I received reminded me of my Grandma Betty -- her work, the colors, the attention to detail. It was a touching reminder of special people in our lives who sometimes mysteriously seem to appear again in unexpected ways.

Last week my second round of fingerprints were sent in and I'm crossing our fingers that these get approved. Everything else has been on hold for our dossier until our Homestudy finally gets completed and we have the I171. I have sort of taken on the mind set of "Release and Let Go!" about the anxiety that I had been feeling about timing. I know there are plans greater than I could make and therefore, I'm just waiting and going with the flow. Thankfully, holiday shopping has been keeping me quite busy and the days do seem to pass by in way that reminds me of calendar pages being torn off and blowing into the wind. As I go through the toy aisles during my shopping days, I think of things I'd like to one day buy for our little boy. When we meet him, what is that one toy that will come in to save the day and symbolize the joy that we can bring? What is the simple toy that will make him engage with us, make him smile? What can Emma and Eden offer him and feel like Big Sisters doing so? Such are my thoughts as I stroll through the aisles.

Happy Holiday Planning to all!
SK