Happy Birthday, dear Gary!

A huge happy birthday shout out is order for my dear Gary today. He turns 48 big ones! How does the time fly? And ... how am I married to a 48 year old? ;-) (Sorry, Gar.) Ah, yes, we are 11.5 years apart, and sometimes his numbers still surprise me. But then again, I am closer to 40 than I am to 30, so I shouldn't be talking. Age is a state of mind! Or so they say. I'm just absolutely grateful to have healthy, happy, evolving years with Gary for as long as we have. In fact, if truth be known, we went to a marriage counselor a few times in the past couple of months. Not because anything is wrong or out of the norm, but there is always room to grow. He wasn't really into it at first, but I think Gary's liking the results. G-d bless him for agreeing to go because I know many men who have refused to go to counseling with their wives, and I'm thankful my husband is, not necessary a fan of counseling, but rather a big enough fan of Steph, to want to go for me. I absolutely want the very best in my marriage and my life. I'm not ashamed to say I enjoy having a neutral party in my life a lot. If I'm so into self-development and my women's empowerment classes, then I also want to devote my energies to our family unit as well in this same manner. We used to go a while back as a family when Emma was having anxiety. We spoke a lot about parenting and then about us. I think it's really important to have an outlet like this. So that's my two cents on counseling! Since my mom will probably be appalled that I wrote this in my blog, I might second guess my honesty and remove this at some point. Until then, I have a feeling of midnight honesty and I'm just feeling so grateful now for Gary, so I'll leave it in. I'll see how I feel about it tomorrow! ;-)

Thanks to my friends who checked in on me and miss my blog posts. I have not had a lot to report on on the adoption front so I've been a bit quiet. But just today I found out that my recent set of fingerprints were approved and ... Gary's 3rd and 4th set were rejected yet again. Does this mean I have another two months of waiting for new cards and new results? I will speak to the home study agent on Monday to see what actions can be taken. I am disappointed but not letting it get to me. I am reminded often of Sarah's many "rejections", and those snafus were what led her to her wonderful daughter. So that is the way life goes.

I am thinking that with all that is going on, however, I'm hoping that 2010 will be our year. I can't imagine that it's all going to happen this year any more. When I first began, I thought Eden was too young to be a big sister and deal with the ramifications of being a "middle child" so soon. She still had so many needs. Now, most likely, she'll be 5 when she becomes a big sister, and Emma will be 8. Certainly, they'll be older than I'd planned, and so will I. I guess I'll be close to 38. Which means, if I did ever decide to get pregnant again, I'd be close to 40. Again, these "lucky" delays would be pushing me into different ages than I'd originally thought. And maybe that age would actually make it an impossibility to have a child for me. If it was a desire at all. Most likely this little boy will complete our family unit and there will be no journey to 6. Even if so, I'm not giving up due to time delays. I was recently asked if I want "my own child too" (their words, not mine) -- and I adamantly said "Right now, I'm only focused on our adoption, nothing else." I am amazed at myself sometimes that I'm still going strong. But it's no longer myself I think about. I know that this child is actually relying on us. So there is absolutely NO WAY I will turn my back on my child, even if he is not yet born. This is the child that my proverbial red thread is attaced to, and I will not ignore it just because of age, numbers or timing. When it happens, it will be the right time.

We got Eden a doll for Hanukkah and it was so cute and little. While the kids were asleep, Gary was holding the doll looking at it. And so unlike him to "pretend", he got behind me and held the doll in front of us, and faced us both into the reflection from my kitchen glass door. He said "Our first family photo. Hi, everyone, meet X! (fill in Baby Boy name which we may or may not name our child.)
I thought it was pretty great that he did that. With all the waiting and logistics going on, we haven't spoken too much about the reality again. So the fact that his statement seemed to show he did have a picture in his head and a vision of bringing Baby Boy home was pretty great.

Speaking of dolls, I am so proud of Emma. Last night, she had a Kris Kringle gift exchange at her Brownie meeting (it was delayed from Christmas time.) The entire day, she could barely contain herself, she was so excited for what the evening's meeting would bring, and what kind of gift she would pick, etc. etc. She came home that night and showed me her long awaited gift. She wound up selecting a gift that she doesn't like -- some faux Barbie dolls whose skin color was actually a mottled gray. She doesn't and never has played with dolls. She is a notebook girl, arts and crafts, Wii games, guitar player ... but I digress. Anyway, it was her friend's gift that she'd picked, and although disappointment probably laid like a stone in her stomach, she simply said "I love it!" Now, I have certainly not taught her to hide her feelings. She has to speak up if anything is bothering her, but she is so sensitive to others' needs as well, that she absolutely did not want to hurt her friends' feelings. The leader gave some girls an opportunity to exchange, but Emma's friend was so happy that it was Emma who got her gift, that Emma didn't want to break her heart. I know the difference between what Emma did and stifling your own feelings even though you are miserable. Emma actually wasn't miserable about this gift, despite looking so forward to the gift exchange. She simply let it go and valued her friends feelings, which I thought was so very mature for a 6 year old. But Emma wound up getting a surprise when she got home. I was so proud of how she handled herself, that I gave her just a few little trinkets I had not given her for Hannukah -- sticker sheets, a craft box to put beads in, and a pencil case. Man, you would have thought I gave her a Wii game with her excitement. Then it got me thinking ... is she just being polite yet again?! ;-) No, I think I just know my daughter and the little things that make her happy ... and she was.

In closing, I just wanted to say that I'm so pleased that I have so many people I can share the waiting with and the disappointments and just the reality of the adoption process and how we stand in the process. Thank you to all my blog friends and a huge thank you to my friends who treat the process as if it actually is happening, despite nothing yet to show for it. During this trying time, I only want to hear stories that support the feelings in my heart, and it is to your support that I turn.

Gearing up for a family party for Gary in our house tomorrow. Baking is all done, but there are a few hot spots left to declutter! Time for me to sign off. More to come ...

Peace out!
Steph

Keep the Faith

The truth? I am having a tough time maintaining the image of our son in my mind. Nothing's happening. No paperwork has been approved yet. We are still months away from a complete home study, and even MORE months away from the all important I171. I am not giving up, let me assure you. But the belief that one day this will happen for us too, even in the face of others moving ahead with wonderful news and progress that should give hope, is hard to maintain. It feels very removed right now, but perhaps this is par for the course. I'm not just waiting post paperwork in that "paper pregnancy" stage knowing and assuming what my status is, I'm simply wondering constantly if our paperwork is lost or rejected and will ever move us forward at all. What will be happening in our lives on Dec. 22, 2009? How will my thoughts have changed, and at what stage will we be then? Thankfully, I have lots to be grateful for, and much joy to celebrate this holiday season, that resurfaces more with each word I type now. It's okay to feel down once in a while. I can see it's part of the emotional roller coaster of international adoption, and at its' very base stage. What other twists and dips and soaring heights are to come? It's okay that today was one filled with disappointments and frustrations. The point is that I have the ability to flip it around, to come out on top, to feel gratitude for all that I hold in my life right now. For all that is, in time, yet to be.

Emma put it best yesterday, in the dark car driving home from Gary's mother's Hanukkah celebration. Unprovoked, she asked "You know what my favorite gift is? Mommy, Daddy and Eden." And that is what I hold dear at the times when I feel like a big poop.

Recurring Dream

I have been reminded lately of a recurring dream that I used to have when I was a child, maybe 9 or 10. In the middle of the night, I would hear a baby crying outside the front door. When I went to the door, there was a baby, swaddled in blankets and wrapped in a small wicker basket, waiting for me to take him inside. Once inside, I, in all of my ten years, would proceed to care for this baby as if this baby was always my own. I think, in my dreams, I did have thoughts of "how did this baby get here" and "what should I do" and "should I wake my parents and call the police", but there were also huge feelings of peacefullness and joy knowing that this baby was seemingly sent just for me. In the dreams, and in my young age, I don't recall thinking of birth parents and the ramifications of a baby being left for me in this manner. In the dream, I remember feeling like I had just received a gift.

Has anyone else ever had dreams like this?

I also had one other recurring dream in my life of various men chasing me through subway tunnels with guns. I'm assuming that one is not a foreshadow of anything!

Greetings on a Rainy Night

The rain is pelting down on my attic sky light. I like the sound. I've got a mess around me of organization. A dichtomy of thoughts. Perhaps I took out much more than could be put back in. I have photo boxes out with mounds of photos finally being sorted but still in disarray. I finally have clear carpet in my attic and in Emma's room where, once, there were bins and piles of last season's clothing. Tonight, I found a few more outfits worn by Emma and Eden as babies that made me quickly kiss them before I set them in the donation pile. I found a onesie with blue bears that I had once bought for Eden thinking it was so cozy looking and the blue would match her eyes. I remember ultimately not putting Eden in it because it felt too boyish. Perhaps it was a boy's onesie. So, tonight, I set it aside for my little one to be. A hand me down of sorts, from his big sister. Or, perhaps meant for him all along.

Last week, we received a lovely gift from our agency (JHA) -- an afghan purchased from Afghans for Orphans. I had just recently been thinking of the afghan my grandmother had made for my children long before I had even gotten married. She had arthritis and her fingers could still crochet and she wanted me to have it then for my future children. Emma and Eden were both wrapped in it when they were born. I sometimes think of how both my grandmothers would have loved to have played with my children. What would they think of the venture we have embarked on? They enter my mind so often -- my world holds so many reminders of those I have held dear. The blanket I received reminded me of my Grandma Betty -- her work, the colors, the attention to detail. It was a touching reminder of special people in our lives who sometimes mysteriously seem to appear again in unexpected ways.

Last week my second round of fingerprints were sent in and I'm crossing our fingers that these get approved. Everything else has been on hold for our dossier until our Homestudy finally gets completed and we have the I171. I have sort of taken on the mind set of "Release and Let Go!" about the anxiety that I had been feeling about timing. I know there are plans greater than I could make and therefore, I'm just waiting and going with the flow. Thankfully, holiday shopping has been keeping me quite busy and the days do seem to pass by in way that reminds me of calendar pages being torn off and blowing into the wind. As I go through the toy aisles during my shopping days, I think of things I'd like to one day buy for our little boy. When we meet him, what is that one toy that will come in to save the day and symbolize the joy that we can bring? What is the simple toy that will make him engage with us, make him smile? What can Emma and Eden offer him and feel like Big Sisters doing so? Such are my thoughts as I stroll through the aisles.

Happy Holiday Planning to all!
SK

In my lifetime ...

I found this on someone's blog and thought it would be cool to post here. Although I see how much I have done, gosh, there is so much more -- and this list doesn't cover all the things I'd like to accomplish too. I have not made it across the oceans yet further than Hawaii one way, nor to Europe yet. Will Kaz be my first European(Asian?) adventure? What is next to follow? Surely, Italy, Prague, Amsterdam and definitely Romania and Austria -- lands of my ancestors. All in good time!

So here's what you do, copy and paste this into your own blog or send to friends. Put in bold type all the things you have done in your life so far. Here's mine!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band ....at school
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland /world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child -- working on it
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelos David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle/moped
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

and here are a couple of others that I'm proud of:
* gutted a house in its' entirety and been in charge of all changes and manifestations for 5 months straight with an infant in a baby bjorn attached me to while I negotiated with painters, contracters, tile people, electricians. From the minutia of selecting where electric outlets go, to picking doorknobs for every door, to selecting windows and doors, to picking tiles and flooring for every room in the house, to manifesting a bathroom and kitchen exactly as imagined -- all without my husband's input. No wonder I'm always looking for a new project. That was the hugest project of my life just 3 years ago.
* had our family featured on two episodes on The Learning Channel
* been published in two national magazines
* traveled cross country for six weeks from coast to coast and saw most of the national parks and the kitch that makes America fun, and ultimately almost every state in the U.S.
* became the first college graduate in my family
* being a constant learner -- have taken ongoing courses on writing, photographry, empowerment
* raised two wonderful girls with a strong sense of sisterhood
* my wonderful relationship with my mother, how lucky I feel
* my family of four -- our network, always striving to grow and be closer and more connected
* my long relationship with Gary, how we have grown, conquered and overcome.
* my unbelievable life long friendships
* the courage to follow my adoption dream against many odds

And as for my adoption news, looks like I'm back to square one on having to get both my and my husband's fingerprints redone for our clearances for our homestudy. Looks like the universe had other plans for our adoption timeline. Both sets of prints from me and Gary were rejected. Seems sort of strange as both of our FBI prints had no problems and the same woman did them. But there must have been something out of our control on this one. It's just frustrating as it's been now 7 weeks since I sent them in and now I first have to recieve the blank cards in the mail from the Home Study agency and then make an appointment to go to the Police Precinct and then wait another 4-6 weeks. I hope this all comes together before Thanksgiving, but even if so, the holiday will surely delay the proces. Originally, Journey Home estimated I'd be completely done with my dossier by Dec. 1. I am barely there yet. I also found out my dear social worker was in a terrible car accident and has been hospitalized for weeks. I don't know any details and I wish her a speedy recovery. We've got to count our blessings every day. That is for sure.

SK

Beautiful Day

A wonderful fall day ... playing in the leaves. A chance to celebrate with Carolyn and Henry their special anniversary. Inspiration and happiness. Energy and creativity. My chocolate covered macaroons were a hit. Great day moving a lot of my writing goals forward. Super photos of my girls were achieved easily this afternoon. Some days it all just comes together.

Twilight Zone

I swear, I usually live in a world where the glass is always half full. I don't believe in black clouds. I most often find the silver lining. But I am just downright mind boggled. And of course I do realize how blessed I am, and the Twilight Zone episode that I'm about to tell you about pales in comparison to so many disappointments of others. In fact, being that this blog will one day be a form of a baby journal, I'd rather focus on the good stuff that gets us moving forward. At the same time, I also realize that this blog is being read by some who are in the same part of the process as we are -- and for the sake of sharing my journey, the accidental detours are important too. Again, hopefully smooth sailing going forward.

First of all, I do have to say that after great communication with my Home Study Agency the past couple of days, it was determined that an update email was sent to me 3 weeks ago on my old email account. Although I have used my new gmail account during our most recent email exchanges, my AOL account is obviously what is still in the files. The unfortunate part is that in the email from October 12 that I never actually saw, I was notified that my State Central Register Database document (Child Abuse clearance) was never received along with my application, payment and fingerprint cards. Yesterday, I was told that New York State had not gotten back to them about our clearance yet. Perhaps when I was told that, I was confused with someone else for that moment. It seems that ultimately my documents were completely MIA; they had never been received and therefore could never be sent anywhere in order to move us forward. I very clearly remember filling out this document. I recall letting Gary know where to sign at the bottom. I remember that all our addresses fit on one page without needing the second sheet. But ... the crazy part is, though I keep copies of all of the documents I send out, I, too, did not have a copy of this anywhere either. Did I dream the filling out of the document? I can no longer be sure.

Now, since that takes 3 weeks to get approved, and I didn't know that the email was sitting in an unread email box for those very 3 weeks, I feel like I wasted all that time too -- in addition to my unaccepted and smudged fingerprint delay. I'll resend this document out tomorrow, and it will take 3 weeks and hopefully coincide with what happens with my fingerprints. Still no word on whether or not my second set of prints have been approved. But, according to today's conversation, it might be that no news is good news and it could just be passing through the process.

And I thought vomiting ten times a day tired me out?

According to Julie at JHA, and I'm gonna go with her on this one, it must mean that Baby Boy has just not been born yet.

I remain so grateful for my family as I do realize how much more difficult this wait for Baby Boy would be, and surely is for others, if I did not have his big sisters in the wings to keep me busy. I just hope he is healthy and safe, wherever and whenever he is. We'll be there soon.

I think that it is appropriate now to recall the lyrics of Tracy Chapman's The Promise.

Here is a link to YouTube. Please pause my Playlist at the bottom of this blog so that you can hear the YouTube song. The song is most likely about a romantic relationship, but I have seen the song listed as an adoption song too. And clearly the sentiments described are what I feel. Child of mine, I vow to come for you
if you wait for me and say you'll hold a place for me in your heart.