Thoughts on this Thursday Morning

I have been thinking for a few days now of the beautiful and moving post that Regina wrote that shared her thoughts on the imminency of being a mom and taking her son out of the Baby House for good. So poignantly written, she spoke of the paradox of her joy and the grief of his mothers before him. The woman who gave him life and who, 9 months later, brought him into the world, and the amazing women who cared for him for almost two years. Before Regina had written this, I had never really had a vision of what she describes as hearing about young women dropping off their child at the Baby House and collapsing in a heap of grief outside on a bench once they relinquished their baby. Now I can not get that vision out of my head.

She mentioned something that Gary once mentioned -- If it is a matter of money for so many of these families, would not the money we are using to pay the legal fees necessary for adoption be better suited to provide funds for a family to remain with their child? But alas, it is not how it works. And when it comes down to it, a child remains in need of a loving family. The Karps will be one such family.

Adoption is a serious business. These children come with pasts, and hurts and loneliness and there are countless birth mothers out there that pray for the safety of the children they have left behind. No doubt we will live every day with a piece of our child's birth mother within us as we watch our child grow and blossom.

This past weekend, while having a mini family vacation in Hawley, PA at a beautiful place called Woodloch Pines, I thought a lot about this child who will enter our lives. Rather, I allowed myself to think about it. As recently, I had just been pushing forth with a To Do list to get this process started. After so much thinking, it was easier to just "do." I remember long ago, someone once told me that when you are on the plane going to get your child, you might have anxiety but your main thoughts are on doing everything in your power to bring that child home. That nothing will stop you. I am allowing myself to think these thoughts now. There is no face, no name to go with this child in my mind, but when I sat underneath the shade at the pool watching Gary swim with Emma and Eden, it was almost as if I felt the warm weight of this child on my lap. A hazy image of this round, bald headed baby. He was facing the water watching his sisters, I could not see his face. Cool and adorable in a simple white onesie, he was sitting on my lap and saving his space for next year (g-d willing.)





With that said, I am grateful for the feeling within me that is certain without one iota of a doubt that there is the proverbial red thread that is uniting our family with a little boy 9,000 miles away.

I am grateful for the life I have been given, for the life I have made.

I am grateful for my family of four and for all that is yet to be.



I am grateful for the blessing and opportunity to bring Baby Boy Karp home in 2009.

Steph

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break."

Hope and Inspiration All Wrapped Up in One Little Boy

Please copy and paste to this great link!

http://www.journeytokaz.com/Tarpey/July72008.html

I have to give a shout out to my dear friend Carolyn who has shared so openly about the amazing strides her son Henry has taken since he's been home. When I met Henry a few months ago, he was a handsome little boy. But now these photos say it all -- he shines from the inside and has truly blossomed under the constant loving and dedicated care of his very special Mama. Just beautiful! Please read from the beginning to see Carolyn's journey. I love her honesty and perspective. Feel free to comment on her blog -- just go to Home then Journal and then Guest Book. It's easy!

Had a great visit with Katherine tonight, our first meeting -- had the chance to see her on her vacation to the East Coast. She's on the same path as me -- two homegrown girls ages 3 and 6 and about to apply (most likely) to JHA shortly. I am glad I took the chance to say hi when I saw her introduction on the yahoo group. It will be great to share the journey with another. We share the same thoughts on this process and so much to talk about with our girls, etc. Yet another lovely person has entered my world.

By the way, run out and get China Ghosts: My Daughter's Journey to America, My Passage to Fatherhood by Jeff Gammage -- Such a magnificent book! He's a reporter - not only is the book emotional and beautifully written, but historically right on. I continue to be moved to tears, inspired and hopeful with each page. For any parent regardless of where or how your child came to you, this book is a must read memoir about the power of a parent-child love. Just beautiful.

CONGRATULATIONS TO REGINA, FRANK and MILO on Becoming a FAMILY!!!!!!

Random Musings

Just got back from a wonderful 4 night getaway with Gary to Austin, Texas. Our first big trip away in close to 7 years just the TWO OF US. It was really a wonderful and fun trip, I have always loved Austin but Gary has never been there -- the trip reminded me how much we enjoy each other's company when we can just be us, away from the role of active parent for just a few days while my generous parents cared for the kids and had a great time with them. It was nice to come and go as we pleased, which is not to say we did not miss our girls and talk about them and wonder if they'd like this or that or whatever we were doing. The best part of the trip for me was actually being in nature. I just loved taking walks by Town Lake, slipping into the hammock in the back of the Four Seasons hotel (not the hotel we stayed out but one who's amenities we did enjoy a bit ;-), going river tubing down the Guadalupe River and enjoying that leisurely run. I loved lying on the hammock and watching how the trees connected and made a canopy over my head, watching the clouds dance between the leaves. Gary and I really relaxed on this trip. I must remember that this city girl needs to make nature much more part of my days.



So a couple of things happened while I was away. On the plane out to Austin, as we are lifting up into the air, tears just kept filling my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. For some reason, perhaps I was thinking of a future plane ride to Kaz and what that might feel like to be waiting with anticipation. I snapped photo then.



Perhaps these thoughts were furthered by the fact that a few days leading up to the trip and then during it, I was enthralled with reading an adoption memoir called Forever Lily by Beth Nonte Russell which was just remarkable and lovely. I am now reading another memoir called China Ghosts: My Daughter's Journey to America, My Passage to Fatherhood by Jeff Gamage.

Then I had an interesting dream and I wish I remembered it fully but in it, we were visiting Sara's family in Phoenix (yes, you!) and it was very real and quite nice. I think we even went to Temple together ;-)

Our first night on the trip, our friend Norm calls Gary on his cell and must have asked if we are proceeding and my dear Gary replied "yes, we even began our home study. Looks like, believe it or not, we'll be going to Kazakhstan. Yes, it's a long trip, possibly two trips ... we're looking for a boy." Was this my Gary speaking as if it's YES going to happen?

Someone wrote me an email, I can not remember now but I know I saved it. Was it Monica? It was about not making a decision, but a "knowing." I feel that this week, without having day to day stress and just the pleasure of free flowing thoughts, I did feel this "knowing." It no longer felt like a decision, but an absolute. It was in my bones.

We went to this amazing market (Central Market) in Austin and they had the cutest table placemats. I bought four of them, one for each of us, even though they are kid oriented, they were so cute. Once on line to pay however, I said to Gary, I have to go back and get one for Baby, and I went back to get one that called to me and had some blue in it. I actually called him by a name. Now I am not sure that this will be his name. It's a name that I never especially liked with our last name, but one that Gary has always liked. Those who know me a long time, might know this name. Could this just be a nickname we are calling him now, as he is just a vision in my mind, possibly. I do not plan on thinking of his new American name in reality until I hear his own beautiful name that he was given.

So much more to accomplish now that I'm home. One bite at a time.

Home Study Visit

Yesterday we had our home study visit by social worker, Judy Schwartz. Despite accidentally serving spoiled egg salad (how embarrassing!!!!! -- at least the tuna and dessert was good!), it wound up being a wonderful and informative afternoon. One that I think served Gary very well. He had been dreading this meeting and I could tell during it that he seemed jovial, talkative and interested. I thought, is he this good of an actor? But when she left, he told me it was so much better than he thought. I think he was anticipating a very stuffy boring suited up woman in reading classes and sensible shoes talking very seriously to us. I think that Judy, herself a Jewish girl formerly from Brooklyn, was really the right person to talk to Gary. She has 4 teenage children, one was adopted domestically and three were siblings adopted as toddlers from Russia. Her stories about them were heart warming and inspirational. I think hearing those stories was what Gary needed to hear.

So we wrote out our first big check towards this adoption experience and it felt huge to me. But not huge enough for me to make a big announcement yet, as I still don't have any applications or contracts in to my agency, and the amount yet to do still seems insurmountable (from this distance.) How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Start chewing.

I think I will honestly feel that it's real when my dossier is complete and I'm in the waiting stage. This is going to have to be a very productive summer.

Well, as a result of a great meeting yesterday, I found Gary was quite relaxed today and very huggy towards me. More so than usual perhaps? Judy, who knew of Gary's trepidation and fears, said to me that as she spoke she actually could see Gary visibly relaxing. She said she really thinks he is really 100% on board, even though his initial interest is purely to do this for me.

We saw friends today for a July 4th BBQ. Jen's 7 month old son is so loved, held, kissed, coddled and cooed at. It is heartbreaking in a way to think that my child will never have been loved like that in the earliest stage of his life and the ramifications it will mean, and the work it will take to get to a good place. And as I know from Carolyn and Henry and the amazing strides that Henry has achieved, I know that slow and steady wins the race. It just takes time. I need to be fully aware and always remember this. There will be things to overcome and according to Judy, most can be overcome.

I feel more connected to Gary than I have in a while from yesterdays's meeting. I guess it's almost like we know a little secret that yesterday was the day of conception ;-) But again, lots more applications and official paperwork, but plucking down the first check to me meant we were taking the steps seriously.

Emma and Eden did not know we met with a social worker yesterday. The less they know the better. But, perhaps due to seeing two baby boys today, at bedtime tonight, Emma asked me if Dad and I decided on our baby brother. I said to her We are still thinking about it and she just sighed. I feel bad but I think I'll be ready to tell her when we will be ready to make an official announcement to family and friends and then we can have her help us build the buzz of excitement.

I'll just keep plugging away and maybe we'll have made some headway in our dossier by September. It feels surreal that one day I'll be on a plane to Kazakhstan, heading to the land of my child's birth. Life can really be miraculous and surprising ... and good.

Goodnight!

Steph

Happy 6th Birthday Sweet Emma!

I am very grateful to be celebrating 6 years of knowing my beautiful daughter Emma.

I am very grateful for celebrating 6 years of being a mom to this very special little girl.

I am very grateful that Emma is just as beautiful inside as she is outside.

I am very grateful that Emma had such a happy day today, from the minute she woke up she was enthusiastic about turning 6. Can we harness this forever?

I am very grateful for baking Emma's birthday cake with her on her last night of being 5.

I am very grateful for saying goodnight to her that night by saying "Listen close to me. Emma I will never say these words to you again! Good night my 5 year old Emma." And she said "But you'll say Goodnight my 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 year old Emma!" G-d willing yes yes yes yes yes yes yes ...

I am very grateful for friends and family to celebrate with today all day and more celebrations to come over the weekend.

I am very grateful that Emma was so cooperative this morning and after school for two separate 10 minute photo sessions where I got these two shots in addition to many others.

I am grateful that because I got these amazing shots today, I pretty much relaxed about the camera for the rest of today's celebration and wasn't a crazy loony with the camera as is usual.

I am very grateful for taking time last night to set up breakfast place settings for Emma and Eden with birthday decor and with fun art projects set up for Emma at her spot. I heard her wake up super early this morning and by the time I got downstairs she was almost done making a mosaic art project.

I am very grateful that the things I feel anxious about are blips on my screen of life, despite how upsetting and frustrating they seem at the time.

I am very grateful to be finding out information that I didn't know I needed to know and to also realize that so many things are out of my control.

I am very grateful for the ability to raise my hands up in the air and just give in to the powers that be.

I am very grateful that Emma is a wonderful and caring big sister to Eden.

I am very grateful that G-d gave me exactly the children I was meant to have and will continue to do so.

I am very grateful for Eden's happiness at having her new 'big girl bed' and for Emma's happiness for her and desire to squeeze into bed with her for the past couple of nights and share sleep.

I am very grateful for my family of four -- for all that I have, all that I am and all that is yet to be!!

Happy Birthday my dear sweet Emma. You have filled my life with joy and I look forward to a life time of loving you and our (growing) family!

It's A Small World After All

I find it amazing when I look at the Cluster Map on my blog how people from a growing number of places on our big blue marble have at least stopped by for a peek at my blog -- this blog that I began writing never thinking any one would find it, secretly hoping no one would ever find it and now I'm thrilled that it has been found. What a community -- I could not be more grateful! Thanks to everyone for your support!

I lurked on many blogs for so long and my world opened up when I decided to say hello. The path to move forward never would have been as clear to me without the insight of others who had gone before me. I only hope that one day I can offer the same guidance to others like that has been offered to me. To those who post and who have commented, I look forward to continuing to follow your wonderful journeys. If there is anyone else out there, please feel free to say Hi! It makes this world feel so much smaller ;-)
Goodnight!
Steph

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I feel a bit like Fred Flintstone in the opening segment of the famous cartoon -- in the car, with my legs pedaling many revolutions super fast, but going no where. I am still trying to figure out what to do first -- tomorrow passport photos and sending out reference letters, next week birth certificates and I600 forms. A pending appointment with our social worker. Spoke with my father today about whether he would drive me in to Manhattan again or if it made more sense to take the train.

This morning Gary and I had an active discussion about sleeping arrangements. Eden and Emma will maintain their seperate rooms, and Baby Boy Karp will enjoy the snoring of his dear father as we have room (albeit tight) to put his crib in our room with us for a little while. Will co-sleeping be in our future? Certainly, I had a bedside attached bassinet (Called the Co-Sleeper) when Emma and Eden were newborns. I was nursing them so I could simply reach over and pull them towards me when they cried from hunger. Does this new baby have the right to that kind of comfort too, although he will be much older? Absolutely. I think for a little while at least it might be good for us. I never slept with my children when they were older, unless they ran to us in the middle of the night from nightmares. But the more I speak to my friends in the adoption world, I think maybe it wouldn't hurt to do this at least for a little while. I never would be at the stage to think of this. Ever the thinker, I'm way ahead of myself. But in a way, due to the fact that our current home does not have enough individual bedrooms, it became logistical decision too for us. We will either move at some point or Emma and Eden will be the lucky recipients of bunk beds in Emma's larger room.

The other day I got out of the shower and opened up the door to let out the steam. Emma and Eden were downstairs, I could hear the TV going. I looked into Eden's open bedroom and just imagined this little boy, Maybe he looked 10 months old. He was wearing a white sleeper type thing, he looked like a mix of Emma as a baby and our new little buddy Henry. I was like, man is he cute! What an active imagination have I!

So here is a photo I came across of Emma as an 8 1/2 month old. Is there any way that she looks like a Kazakh Princess or am I just searching way too hard? What does it matter anyway? But I guess these images and thoughts sometimes keep me going.