Being Still

Today I had a one hour phone consultation with a life coach, someone I affectionately call "jen mac" -- an all around great person who has inspired me in so many ways, has enabled me to crack wide open and discover so much about myself that I never even knew was there, or rather was afraid to confront. She teaches a series of inspirational courses for women -- I can't say enough about her. If anyone is interested, feel free to ask me more.

I was hoping for clarity in the form of Jen Mac acting as my crystal ball, to tell me, of course this is what you should be doing and when and how. Instead, she suggested something to me that I have not done. It made me ill at ease when she first said this, but yet in reality, I knew it was something that must be done. She suggested simply being still for a certain period of time. For the past year, I have literally exhausted myself with late night blog reading, adoption agency research, international adoption forum reading and adoptive parenting books. I have visited families, emailed at length, spoken for *hours* to others, have stayed up late to get time to speak to families on the west coast. I have picked peoples brains, asked questions and then more questions. Told family and friends, been accosted by fears and still moved forward. And in all this time, I now am certain of the agency we will use (Journey Home), the homestudy social worker we will use (Judy Schwartz with Heart to Heart Adoptions), travel medications we will need to prepare for international travel thanks to a $300 consult with a holistic pediatrician, the person who will travel with us to watch my kids during visits and court time (my brother, Brian and possibly Kim as she so kindly suggested) and the country -- Kazakhstan. Despite it possibly seeming that no forward action was made in the fact that no application has been signed, it couldn't be further from the truth. Somehow during this time, I got Gary to agree to this wild ride, feeling passionately for the children, but yet not feeling the passion that I do for this process. It's almost like a whirlwind came in (in the form of little old me) and he had no choice but to acquiesce.

Jen Mac pointed out something to me that resonated and really struck a chord. In recent months, I am on a certain timeline not really dictated by anything that is in tune with what my spirit/heart says. For a long time now, I kept coming up with random dates to speak to Gary and with which to move forward. Then recently, I decided that we "must know" by April 28th or thereafter because Eden was turning 3. Then I was getting antsy because I wanted my kids to be a certain distance in age together and I would soon be past that point. Then I was itching to move forward because Gary is 47 and I feared him aging out of the program before we decided to do anything. What did these dates really mean?

So my assignment from Jen, and one that I will do, is to be still with my thoughts for a while. No blogging, no researching, no outward steps. Forego all the dates I thought dictated the pace of my life. Forego this crazy rush to know by Eden's birthday which is 3 days from now. Just be.

Providing that there are no crazy surprises (other than the typical crazy surprises) I still have a vision of us a little down the road as family of five, traveling to Disneyland with a little boy in a blue stroller wearing a baseball cap who has round cheeks and almond shaped eyes and is adored by his sisters. Dad is on a ride called Jumping Jellyfish with Eden and Emma while I wait contentedly on the bench right next to its entrance pointing up to them and showing our little boy where his sisters are. Yes, this is my romantic vision.

I appreciate the posts from everyone. What cheerleaders we are comprised of. And how humbled I am by your good wishes. My dear friend Kim, you have left me speechless. How could I be so lucky?

I said I would lay low once before and never did because I just love this forum and the people I am surrounded by. But I have to do this for me for a little while. I now have all my ducks in a row and I just want my heart and Gary's to catch up at a pace that feels absolutely right for us. So what if the girls are a little bit older? Will Gary really age us out? I don't know the answers, though I have some questions about that in to Journey Home. It may be days, or weeks, or a little longer until we feel that perhaps a child has been born that is ready for us, and we for him. Until then, I will do the thing I have had trouble doing for too long of a time now, probably in many aspects of my life. Such a huge decision, this is definitely one that deserves this stillness in order that everything happens exactly as it was meant to be with no rules, no dictations, no timelines.

It might be a while until I post again, but when I do, it will absolutely be with something concrete. If any readers would like me to send an email when I do post, please leave your comment here. You can also sign up to be alerted through one of my links.

I will still be following along with your journeys, especially those so close, and wish you all the best. I hope you'll all still be here when I post again.

Till next time ...

I have never been this spiritual in my life but here are some quotes I'll be living by for the next little while.

"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen.
Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice,
it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
- Franz Kafka

"I hope you'll hear what I'm about to tell you. I hope you'll hear it all the way down to your toes. When you're waiting, you're not doing nothing. You're doing the most important something there is. You're allowing your soul to grow up. If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what G-d created you to be."
-- Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits

Updates Gratitude List

I am grateful for the wonderful get-together my family and I had with the Tarpey and Caswell families last week -- for hospitality, for new friends, for feeling like you have known people for a long time before, for finally seeing in real life who I have only seen in photos, for yet again having the pleasure of meeting two more Kaz cuties -- Dylan and Henry.

Eden, Emma and Dylan

Henry


I am grateful for connections I have found through writing my own blog and through reading those of others. I am not an adoptive parent yet, but I have been so welcomed and supported. It is remarkable to be cocooned in the unbelievable kindness of others, the resources, the encouragement, the information, the empathy. In addition to having an amazing network of friends and loved ones in my life, I do feel I now have wonderful friends nationwide -- I am truly blessed.

I am grateful for another bout of anxiety (an elephant decided to sit on my chest for a few days and a snake decided to twist into my stomach) that occurred last week because when I came out the other side what resulted was a greater sense of conviction that I am following a path that truly is intended for our family. I know this now!

I am grateful that Carolyn asked me why I hadn't blogged in a while and if everything was okay. I realize now that staying away didn't serve me or anyone else. It's okay if my blog isn't always pretty. This is real life, and fear and anxiety doesn't have to be edited out. I hope my thoughts can one day help others as others have helped me -- to know that amidst the feelings of peace and calm, fear and doubt is normal and that it is very possible to ride it out and continue to follow your heart.

I am grateful for daily family discussions about "when" and no longer "if" and "should we."

I am grateful to not really know when this transition happened -- it was almost like those sunglasses that gradually get darker when you step outside. Look where we are now.

I am grateful that my husband and I look outward in the same direction.

I am grateful that my children have been a big influence in that they truly desire another sibling. I am also grateful that without ever telling them, they have been discreet before any official decisions have been made.

I am grateful for hearing from the Poston family and their excitement for the progress we have made -- The first adoption connection I ever made (back in Sept 2007), the first family that ever truly opened up to us with open arms, the Postons will always hold a special place in the heart of our family.

I am grateful for an appointment with a Life Coach for this coming Thursday -- the very same woman whose class I took one year ago in which I first discovered that my deeply buried, but still very much alive, dream was to one day adopt a child into our lives. I am very excited to come full circle after one year and with the hope of coming out of this conversation with even greater clarity. (I have to give a shout out to Jen Macaluso-Gilmore and this class that taught me the power of realizing my dreams --- www.somethingdifferentnyc.com)

I am grateful to have three home study agencies to choose from -- and to know that shortly a decision will be made about who to proceed with and when to sign on the dotted line for the first huge step in our journey to 5.

I am grateful that as of today, I can say that no doubt about it, Emma is officially a two-wheel bike rider!

I am grateful to soak up the last few days of Eden being 2, for all the days I get to see my little girls growing up.

I am grateful for my parents, for all that has shaped me to grow up to be the person I am today.

I am grateful for my family of four; for all that I am, all that I have and all that is yet to be.

Steph

Quote for the day

"When I'm old I'm never going to say, "I didn't do this" or "I regret that."
I'm going to say, "I don't regret a damn thing. I came, I went, I did it all."
(Kim Basinger, B. 1953)

Next Day

Yesterday after I picked Eden up from nursery school, I surprised her with a visit to the local playground. It was a beautiful sunny day, felt like spring here in Brooklyn, finally. I watched Eden carefully, enjoying her squeals of delight on the swing, her surprised laughter while going down the slide. She was happy. Later on, after she had gone to bed, Emma and I watched American Idol Gives Back. Gave us an opportunity to talk about charity, how we live compared to how others live. We donated $25 to the causes and I let her be part of the phone call. When Gary walked in she said "Daddy, we just helped children get clean water!!" She was so happy and proud. These are important lessons to learn.

I watched Randy Pausch on Diane Sawyer last night. A man who is dying but whose lesson to us all is on how to live. Check out his "Last Lecture" on youtube if you haven't seen it already. It is inspiring.

Today, we began the process of clearing out the internal memory on our digital video recorder so we can begin recording again. I just put in new batteries in my audio recorder so I can begin interviewing my children again. (If you haven't done this with your kids, try it. Even to get their cries, their babble, and then first words. They love hearing it play back and years later, to hear the progression ... it's pretty remarkable.)

Why my sudden sense of nostalgia, my desire to capture this and hold on tight? Part of this process? Or part of my own personal process? (Or simply PMS?? Hey, who knows!)

Left message for one homestudy social worker and wound up speaking for 40 minutes to one who happened to answer right away. She is originally from Brooklyn, we shared that same Brooklyn vibe. An adoptive parent herself to 4 children (now 14, 16, 17 and 21) she has a lot of experience with the process. I looked over the requirements. Lots to think about, answer, write. But many of the documents seem doable in a more timely manner, so I can actually feel like I will have made some headway soon.

I have been thinking lately -- When am I officially "on the bus?" Is there a piece of paperwork, an application, or a time during this process (perhaps when the dossier is complete?) that you feel "official" or is being official when your heart says it is.

To have the next steps in my hands feels very good I have to say. My eyes tear up sometimes thinking about it. My friend Jen asked if it was because I feel a dream coming true very soon. It feels so much more complicated than that. I think my tears have a multitude of meaning -- the enormity of what we are about to do, the thoughts of the children waiting, has a child been born who waits for us, the fear of the unknown, the worry over reactions of important people in our lives, the knowledge that this is a lifelong journey, not just 8 weeks to Central Asia. And yes, maybe there are some tears because a dream might soon be coming true. Tears that I have the moxie, the courage, the "chutzpah", to follow the direction in which my heart is being led.

Passage of Time

I'm grieving over old baby clothing. I came across some clothing stored away that I had not seen in two years. Why then the sudden sense of loss when I realized it was time to relinquish these adorable outfits and onesies to people who might need them more? After Emma was born, I kept all her favorite outfits because I hoped there would be an opportunity for me to have another daughter. Less than 3 years later, Eden came along. I had the pleasure of seeing her in some of the very same outfits. When I look at the pile, I can no longer remember if Eden or Emma wore it first. There are shared memories between the two of them.

Now, as I make the decision to adopt (most likely a boy should it go as planned), I think it's time to let go. I have a heavy heart and I know, realistically, it's not about the clothing. It's about passage of time, moving on, the loss of my fat pudgy round cheeked daughters who have been replaced by long lean string beans with hands and feet that look like children's hands, not a baby. As my good friend gave birth last night to her first baby, the reality sets in that I am choosing another way.

As Eden is almost 3 in two more weeks, I feel the need to videotape her more in her final days of being two. I feel the need to audiorecord her 2 year old voice so that I can have it forever in my ear when I need to be brought back to this time in my life. This time in her life.

I want to spend more time with my children. I am at home with them, but I want to be more present to this precious and short lived time in our lives. I want the summer to go slowly ...

And even if we were to add another daughter to our lives, all these years later, despite most of the outfits being pristine, it might be time to get new things anyway.

Emma and I sifted through the pile last night together. I held up these pink soft GAP pants and kissed them "mwah! mwah! mwah! mwah! MWAH!" I said "I'm just kissing your little baby clothing!" And my smart, level headed not yet 6 year old dear daughter replied "But you can kiss me now." And she leaned towards me for a hug and a kiss.

Today I will be calling two home study agencies to inquire about their services. Time to lighten my heavy heart and move forward.

First Official Document

Today I went into Manhattan with my dad and got my first official document needed for my dossier. The fact was that I needed to replace my missing marriage certificate for many years already, and at this point didn't want to wait the 8 weeks if I did it via mail. From my research, I knew that one document that was needed for an adoption dossier was an extended form marriage certificate. Knowing that I'd be at the very office I needed to be for this, I thought it was best to get that as well. Why not? It was $48 total for the adoption form and all it's certifications. I had told myself prior to today, if we don't proceed, it was a small price to pay to at least have one document complete out of the many that will be needed -- just in case! We all know deep down I just wanted to start the official journey already ;-) Now I finally know my official last name. For the past TEN years, I actually thought I had kept my maiden name with my husband's last name. Now I finally know who I am! ;-) And will change my IDs accordingly.

We were gone three hours door to door. I had to go to the Office of the City Clerk at 1 Centre Street to get my birth certificate (long form and the short forms I wanted for personal use), then on to the Supreme Court building at 60 Centre Street to have it notarized, and then on to 123 Williams Street to have it apostilled**. I have to admit that during this process, I was alone, my dad waiting in the car, and as I went up the elevator towards my first stop, my eyes are just welling up with tears. While waiting for my name to be called to go onto the next window, I'm wiping at my eyes which won't stop leaking, watching as people are being called in to the wedding chapel, not believing that I'm really there for this reason. At the apostilling location, I had to write the country this form was needed for. As I wrote "Kazhakstan" in strong thoughtful letters, it felt very real and very meaningful.

I know I'll need more forms done and my father was just so helpful. On a super practical note, what makes it even more helpful is that, due to his heart issues, he has a disabled pass that enables him to park ANYWHERE. I asked if he could help another time and he said "Whatever needs to be done." And we did our signature knuckle punch. My dad is really something special. I remember him picking me up from places at 2am when I was a teenager. He's the only dad that would do that, and he'd drop all my friends home where they needed to be. I know he can't travel with us as he'd once mentioned, but he will be part of so much that will make it all come to fruition.

On the way home, crossing the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw Lady Liberty in the distance holding her torch up high. Some sort of feeling was bubbling up inside me and these thoughts came into my head "We're coming for you Sweetie. Mommy's coming!"

Now this is not even official yet but there's no turning back now for me.

I stopped at Gary's office on the way home and he seemed impressed with the apostille sheet. So here we are, the happy mom and dad, with our first official paperwork. It was a very special moment, I have to say. Gary seemed happy, and I know that we're now just moving forward and I guess the adoption application is very soon to follow. That to me symbolizes officially "official."



On another note, this week I told my brother and niece and nephew that this is where our hearts are. My nephew who is 7 seems especially excited.

Today, when I called my mom at work to tell her I got the paperwork and how I feel it's getting real, her voice filled with tears and she told me "Don't get me started at work." My mother, aka The Waterworks (but I guess like mother, like daughter!), is getting excited about this venture. Now that she has finally started reading my blog, she can't get enough ;-)

**Apostille: A simplified and standardized form that is used for the purpose of providing a certification of certain public documents relating to adoption, including notarized documents, that is used in countries that are in compliance with the provisions of the Hague Convention. This simplified form contains standardized numbered fields of certain common and essential types of information, which allows the data to be understood by all participating countries regardless of the official language of the issuing country. The completed apostille form certifies the authenticity of the signature on the documents, the capacity in which the person signing the documents has acted, and identifies the seal and/or stamp that the document bears. Documents needed for inter-country adoptions require the attachment of an apostille, rather than authentication forms, if the foreign country is a participant in the Hague Convention.

American Sign Language

While I take a break from writing about our decision, I do find it hard to stay away completely. I have become addicted to my blog in all its glory.

American Sign Language -- it's an important topic to me, one that I have seen come up in adoption forums quite a bit recently. Over the past year, I have slowly been trying to build a buzz for my Sign & Discover program -- ASL workshops and classes for hearing children, parents and educators. I have been signing with my family for almost 6 years now and it has been one of the most rewarding aspects of my parenting. I definitely look forward to using it more ;-) I can go on and on about my love of ASL and how it has benefited by children and family as a whole. I can go on and on about how my children were telling me their wants and needs beginning at just 8 months old in clear and concise ways, how Emma signed "pain ear pain ear" at 11 months old, which led me to take her to the doctor and discover she had a double ear infection. I have a web site that is under construction -- all this and more will be available to learn from later this spring at www.signanddiscover.com. In the meantime, if anyone is interested in learning about how American Sign Language can benefit your family and foster early communication, please feel free to ask me any questions and contact www.sign2me.com to find a class in your area.

I am attaching photos of me signing this week in Emma's classroom. I'm teaching them songs for their end of school show. Tomorrow I am teaching a staff workshop for 22 teachers at a nursery school on Staten Island. After having a busy career in public relations for many years, and then home for a while, I definitely enjoy the stimulation of all aspects of building this business from the ground up. I have designed a great career for myself (based on something I feel such passion for) during this chapter of my life. I'm very grateful for this.

No, I am not holding "Chuckie" -- that is Signing Sam, my signing puppet ;-)