How is it that we hear what we need to hear when we need to hear it? I left my MP3 player on while I was doing a lot in the house -- checking email, baking, etc and when I finally got back to hear it, it was playing the audiobook of Deepak Chopra's The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I have read the book but had not yet listened to it via audio. I walked in when Deepak was talking about The Law of Detachment which states that in order to acquire something you must not hold on to it as strongly. Sounds the opposite of what we are sometimes taught to believe. I heard it at the right time. I want to adopt a child if and only if it was something that was meant for us to do. I know my husband feels for the children there, and I also know he struggles with commitment to the decision. I am going to detach, something I've been trying to do for a while, but now I'll do it Deepak Chopra style. If it's something that I want strongly enough, then this detachment will actually help me acquire it. A dichotomy of thoughts but one that I will put my energies into. I also feel that perhaps this is just our way of saying that the child we were meant to have just hasn't been born yet!
My dear husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary yesterday. I recall my wedding day vividly and these ten years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I see the life we have made, the choices we make, the love we have for each other and for our children, and they to us and each other, and I feel so grateful. Despite all the craziness that can often be part of my days, there is also a calm and a contentedness in the feeling of everything right now being just the way it is supposed to be. My cup runneth over.
Peace.
S
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
2 Steps Forward, 10 Steps Backward ... And Eventually 10 Steps Forward Again
I was thinking we were getting to be closer to the same page but then there is a halt in our mental and emotional progress. I have some friends whose intentions are so well meaning, who love me dearly and want the best for us yet stories they have witnessed or heard about adoption have made them fearful. I can not say that their views and fears have not, at times, affected the emotional progress that we have made. I am not saying, speaking for myself, that I agree with their views. And yet. To not have full support, or even moderate support, from the people who are dear to me can be disappointing, at best. On a positive note, I appreciate the "devils advocate" aspect because it only makes me continue plugging along, researching, reading, questioning and in the end, helps me to discover the true path of my convictions.
There will be challenges in all our lives.
Is a biological child a GUARANTEE that everything will go according to plan? Almost every family I know of has experienced their share of black sheep or addiction or mental illness or physical illness or teenage angst. A biological child is not a guarantee at all but you take who you are blessed with and love that child with all you have. The gift is in the giving, not necessarily in what you receive back.
I have been researching so much and have made countless contacts with adoptive parents. All the parents I have met share something very great. Absolute respect for where their child came from, absolute adoration and dedication to bringing this child home and ABSOLUTE OPEN COMMUNICATION FROM DAY ONE about how they came to join their family in such a special way.
I believe that open communication and respect for the child and his differences will help to allay some of the identity issues that may (or may not) come into play later on their life. I have a friend who says he is unbelievably grateful to his parents for adopting him. He has never had a problem growing up knowing he was adopted, no teenage issues to speak of and has never had a problem talking about it with others. I grew up with a friend on my block who was adopted and there was nothing different about her compared with her sister (biological daughter.) I see her all the time now as her daughter goes to my daughter's school. Another perfectly lovely woman! I say these specificities not to point out how normal these adopted people are, but to point out how normal IN GENERAL they are. Their adoption stories having nothing negative to do with how they lead their lives. In fact, thoughts of or talk of their adoption rarely has come up at all. Not because they are not open with me because certainly they are open to the topic, but more so because their adoption has not defined them in how they live their lives. They are just part of their family. If anything I would imagine it would make them more sensitive and compassionate and perhaps even more thankful, but that is just my own thought.
I feel that there is something about me that makes me suitable to be an adoptive parent. After all, there is the smallest percentage of people in my personal circle who would ever even entertain the idea of it and no one yet in my circle who actually wants to join me in this venture. I am not a romantic about this. I am CERTAIN there will be hard work involved to help our child acclimate, etc, but I am also certain that I am a perfect candidate because I believe in open communication and practice it daily and because I am a firm believer (and practice this in my own life on all levels) of getting outside help and resources when needed -- and immediately. I am also hopeful that with the help of a reliable International Adoption specialist on our team, we will avoid many of the high risks associated with these concerns. I believe every single child deserves a family. That is, after all, what this is about fundamentally.
Once again, I received a great letter back from my Georgia friend who thought he was being too harsh on me but in fact was anything but. This is what he had to say:
"You know, Stephanie, a child just needs a family. There is no rule about "looking like" parents to determine successful parent-child interaction! The one problem with the internet is that it has elevated EACH and EVERY opinion to potential "trend" status - in other words, look for a problem in an experience in international adoption you will find it in the millions of postings now available. Ever been to a conference or serve on a panel where you realize that there are true nut cases on it with you? They rant and rave and go on and on about this and that - petty, minor things that they bring up? Well, welcome to the internet. I think that if you are honest with your child from day one that their birth mother was young (you will know such statistics, whether it is accurate or not is another story), and unable to give them what they needed in life - and loved them so much they wanted them to have a better life than she had herself. I bought up a lot of books about the former Soviet Union's fall, economic disaster and all.
I actually hope that there is a registry one day where birth parents and adopted children from Kazakhstan can reconnect if they want. I want this to quench any thirst that my children have about their past - or whether they have biological siblings. The REALITY, however, is that I have three children whose reality is that they are from Georgia, have two loving parents who would go around the world for them, and who would do anything for them. Whether or not they look like us is not important. I think that a biological child could have feelings that they do not belong - I actually have that experience in my own family with a sister ... with her feelings of "not belonging" to our family! Imagine now that an internationally adopted child is reacting only to the symptoms of such a ... disorder - and causing millions of potentially wonderful child-family pairings to go unfilled as nervous (understandably) adoptive parents read everything they can find on the internet!
In other words, Steph, at some point you got to go on faith. A faith that you are fulfilling a quest that must be done to complete your family - a gut feeling that you are not complete and that for whatever reason you are being led to one of the farthest places from where you are to fill that void. Once you see that referral, I cannot explain how it all just falls into place. That child becomes YOUR child, and you need to do whatever to bring him home.
I tell you, I had some of these feelings that you are experiencing - and both of us still had lingering worries even as we traveled and met our children! But those babies were depending entirely on us to get our heads in the game and get them to America! There they would have all the chances that life where they were offered so little. In no time, and I mean NO time, look where we are now. I watched my daughter practice for a holiday dance show in town tonight. My son is a whiz at just about everything he does, and our youngest is just eaten up with "cute," in everything he does. We have talks all the time about how they "did not grow in Mama's stomach", and are ready for the next level of questions. I would suggest you befriend some others in Brooklyn who have adopted from Kazkakhstan. There your child will find his "connection", if he even feels the need for one. We can serve that purpose for you, for that matter! Oddly enough, our oldest children did not seem like they were wallowing in comfort when we were back in Kazakhstan. Sure they were surrounded by people who "looked like" them, but they were in a foreign country, and clung to us closely.
One more thought...As to the grown children who are reacting to looking "different" from their families: They must be reacting to subtle and not-so-subtle reactions from the adoptive family. I can't imagine how a loving family who are comfortable with themselves would put this on an internationally-adopted child! That child becomes YOUR child. Amazingly, they become so much like you that they become you in a sense .... Some people - some individuals - just have problems with "fitting in". Add the internet and a convenient "exuse" and probably some unresolved parenting issues and they are scaring away a lot of people from opening up their hearts and homes for a new family member! "
This is from the dad whose family blog I happened to come upon 8 months ago. I feel so very fortunate to have this family on my side now as we continue to explore our options. I also want to share here (because it's appropos) a comment he left for me earlier on -- "The journey is one at once real and transcending. Regardless of whether it is right for you now, or next year, or the year after that, or possibly never, the fact that you minds are considering it at all is a victory for the children and those who care for them who have hope for a forever family." I appreciate his saying that very much -- I appreciate to all those adoptive parents I have spoken to who have also told me not to rush into this, not to push my husband, to be gentle with him, to provide him with information so that we may both come to a decision together. Most of all, I just appreciate the support they gave me for being so bold as to want to open up my heart and home to another child. Not because we feel incomplete but because in fact, we do feel complete and are willing to share our lives with someone else so that they might one day feel this way as well.
Happy Thanksgiving Day! I'm so grateful for all that I have and all that I manifest in my life and so very grateful for my family of 4.
Best,
S
From a speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt in Paris in 1910.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and come short again and again, because there is no effort without great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
There will be challenges in all our lives.
Is a biological child a GUARANTEE that everything will go according to plan? Almost every family I know of has experienced their share of black sheep or addiction or mental illness or physical illness or teenage angst. A biological child is not a guarantee at all but you take who you are blessed with and love that child with all you have. The gift is in the giving, not necessarily in what you receive back.
I have been researching so much and have made countless contacts with adoptive parents. All the parents I have met share something very great. Absolute respect for where their child came from, absolute adoration and dedication to bringing this child home and ABSOLUTE OPEN COMMUNICATION FROM DAY ONE about how they came to join their family in such a special way.
I believe that open communication and respect for the child and his differences will help to allay some of the identity issues that may (or may not) come into play later on their life. I have a friend who says he is unbelievably grateful to his parents for adopting him. He has never had a problem growing up knowing he was adopted, no teenage issues to speak of and has never had a problem talking about it with others. I grew up with a friend on my block who was adopted and there was nothing different about her compared with her sister (biological daughter.) I see her all the time now as her daughter goes to my daughter's school. Another perfectly lovely woman! I say these specificities not to point out how normal these adopted people are, but to point out how normal IN GENERAL they are. Their adoption stories having nothing negative to do with how they lead their lives. In fact, thoughts of or talk of their adoption rarely has come up at all. Not because they are not open with me because certainly they are open to the topic, but more so because their adoption has not defined them in how they live their lives. They are just part of their family. If anything I would imagine it would make them more sensitive and compassionate and perhaps even more thankful, but that is just my own thought.
I feel that there is something about me that makes me suitable to be an adoptive parent. After all, there is the smallest percentage of people in my personal circle who would ever even entertain the idea of it and no one yet in my circle who actually wants to join me in this venture. I am not a romantic about this. I am CERTAIN there will be hard work involved to help our child acclimate, etc, but I am also certain that I am a perfect candidate because I believe in open communication and practice it daily and because I am a firm believer (and practice this in my own life on all levels) of getting outside help and resources when needed -- and immediately. I am also hopeful that with the help of a reliable International Adoption specialist on our team, we will avoid many of the high risks associated with these concerns. I believe every single child deserves a family. That is, after all, what this is about fundamentally.
Once again, I received a great letter back from my Georgia friend who thought he was being too harsh on me but in fact was anything but. This is what he had to say:
"You know, Stephanie, a child just needs a family. There is no rule about "looking like" parents to determine successful parent-child interaction! The one problem with the internet is that it has elevated EACH and EVERY opinion to potential "trend" status - in other words, look for a problem in an experience in international adoption you will find it in the millions of postings now available. Ever been to a conference or serve on a panel where you realize that there are true nut cases on it with you? They rant and rave and go on and on about this and that - petty, minor things that they bring up? Well, welcome to the internet. I think that if you are honest with your child from day one that their birth mother was young (you will know such statistics, whether it is accurate or not is another story), and unable to give them what they needed in life - and loved them so much they wanted them to have a better life than she had herself. I bought up a lot of books about the former Soviet Union's fall, economic disaster and all.
I actually hope that there is a registry one day where birth parents and adopted children from Kazakhstan can reconnect if they want. I want this to quench any thirst that my children have about their past - or whether they have biological siblings. The REALITY, however, is that I have three children whose reality is that they are from Georgia, have two loving parents who would go around the world for them, and who would do anything for them. Whether or not they look like us is not important. I think that a biological child could have feelings that they do not belong - I actually have that experience in my own family with a sister ... with her feelings of "not belonging" to our family! Imagine now that an internationally adopted child is reacting only to the symptoms of such a ... disorder - and causing millions of potentially wonderful child-family pairings to go unfilled as nervous (understandably) adoptive parents read everything they can find on the internet!
In other words, Steph, at some point you got to go on faith. A faith that you are fulfilling a quest that must be done to complete your family - a gut feeling that you are not complete and that for whatever reason you are being led to one of the farthest places from where you are to fill that void. Once you see that referral, I cannot explain how it all just falls into place. That child becomes YOUR child, and you need to do whatever to bring him home.
I tell you, I had some of these feelings that you are experiencing - and both of us still had lingering worries even as we traveled and met our children! But those babies were depending entirely on us to get our heads in the game and get them to America! There they would have all the chances that life where they were offered so little. In no time, and I mean NO time, look where we are now. I watched my daughter practice for a holiday dance show in town tonight. My son is a whiz at just about everything he does, and our youngest is just eaten up with "cute," in everything he does. We have talks all the time about how they "did not grow in Mama's stomach", and are ready for the next level of questions. I would suggest you befriend some others in Brooklyn who have adopted from Kazkakhstan. There your child will find his "connection", if he even feels the need for one. We can serve that purpose for you, for that matter! Oddly enough, our oldest children did not seem like they were wallowing in comfort when we were back in Kazakhstan. Sure they were surrounded by people who "looked like" them, but they were in a foreign country, and clung to us closely.
One more thought...As to the grown children who are reacting to looking "different" from their families: They must be reacting to subtle and not-so-subtle reactions from the adoptive family. I can't imagine how a loving family who are comfortable with themselves would put this on an internationally-adopted child! That child becomes YOUR child. Amazingly, they become so much like you that they become you in a sense .... Some people - some individuals - just have problems with "fitting in". Add the internet and a convenient "exuse" and probably some unresolved parenting issues and they are scaring away a lot of people from opening up their hearts and homes for a new family member! "
This is from the dad whose family blog I happened to come upon 8 months ago. I feel so very fortunate to have this family on my side now as we continue to explore our options. I also want to share here (because it's appropos) a comment he left for me earlier on -- "The journey is one at once real and transcending. Regardless of whether it is right for you now, or next year, or the year after that, or possibly never, the fact that you minds are considering it at all is a victory for the children and those who care for them who have hope for a forever family." I appreciate his saying that very much -- I appreciate to all those adoptive parents I have spoken to who have also told me not to rush into this, not to push my husband, to be gentle with him, to provide him with information so that we may both come to a decision together. Most of all, I just appreciate the support they gave me for being so bold as to want to open up my heart and home to another child. Not because we feel incomplete but because in fact, we do feel complete and are willing to share our lives with someone else so that they might one day feel this way as well.
Happy Thanksgiving Day! I'm so grateful for all that I have and all that I manifest in my life and so very grateful for my family of 4.
Best,
S
From a speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt in Paris in 1910.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and come short again and again, because there is no effort without great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Thoughts
My father's spirits seem improved, more matter of fact. He will most likely have surgery after Thanksgiving. There is much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.
Yesterday I ran into my husband's very good friend whom I have not seen in 11 months. He later told my husband that his wife is pregnant with their 4th child. God bless her -- how does she do it? I used to wish for 4 children but the idea of pregnancy and it's processes does not sit well with me. I have been extremely ill for both of my pregnancies and put on medication (that chemotherapy patients take for nausea) for this last one as I was vomiting and tearing my esophogus for almost the full 9 months. Pregnancy, this wonderful miracle, debilitates me. With the age my children are now and with their specific emotional needs that are unique to us, plus my recent discovery of some hormonal issues that are just now getting regulated with medication, I am finally at a place to say that I physically feel very well for the first time in 3.5 years. But even still, hearing about a miraculous pregnancy, knowing I have 3 friends about to give birth shortly, does give me pause. But then my mind wanders to my own thoughts of this special secret we have not shared fully yet. Yes, birth is truly is a miracle and I do feel blessed to have experienced the miracle of pregnancy and birth twice in my life. And now I'm eager to experience a different kind of miracle.
Well, on the update side, Gary did talk to his friend yesterday about our possible plans. I guess it was tit for tat. You tell me you are expected your 4th child and I'll tell you that we are considering adoption. Gary did say that "we" are considering, not what I had feared he would say "Stephanie wants ..." His friend said that adoption is something he could never do, "it's not his own kid, etc etc" and I was amazed at the pretty impactful and smart responses Gary gave. (I was not there but Gary told me what he said.)
Two days ago a dresser for my youngest daughter arrived from Pottery Barn Kids. I love that store. It is an espresso brown. Looks beautiful with her pink room. But will also look equally lovely with a beautiful blue. My two girls are also eager to get bunk beds and share a room soon. I am putting this off for safety reasons now, but in terms of space in this small but cozy and warm house of ours, I think we can make this work.
Yesterday I ran into my husband's very good friend whom I have not seen in 11 months. He later told my husband that his wife is pregnant with their 4th child. God bless her -- how does she do it? I used to wish for 4 children but the idea of pregnancy and it's processes does not sit well with me. I have been extremely ill for both of my pregnancies and put on medication (that chemotherapy patients take for nausea) for this last one as I was vomiting and tearing my esophogus for almost the full 9 months. Pregnancy, this wonderful miracle, debilitates me. With the age my children are now and with their specific emotional needs that are unique to us, plus my recent discovery of some hormonal issues that are just now getting regulated with medication, I am finally at a place to say that I physically feel very well for the first time in 3.5 years. But even still, hearing about a miraculous pregnancy, knowing I have 3 friends about to give birth shortly, does give me pause. But then my mind wanders to my own thoughts of this special secret we have not shared fully yet. Yes, birth is truly is a miracle and I do feel blessed to have experienced the miracle of pregnancy and birth twice in my life. And now I'm eager to experience a different kind of miracle.
Well, on the update side, Gary did talk to his friend yesterday about our possible plans. I guess it was tit for tat. You tell me you are expected your 4th child and I'll tell you that we are considering adoption. Gary did say that "we" are considering, not what I had feared he would say "Stephanie wants ..." His friend said that adoption is something he could never do, "it's not his own kid, etc etc" and I was amazed at the pretty impactful and smart responses Gary gave. (I was not there but Gary told me what he said.)
Two days ago a dresser for my youngest daughter arrived from Pottery Barn Kids. I love that store. It is an espresso brown. Looks beautiful with her pink room. But will also look equally lovely with a beautiful blue. My two girls are also eager to get bunk beds and share a room soon. I am putting this off for safety reasons now, but in terms of space in this small but cozy and warm house of ours, I think we can make this work.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Reality
My father's health is ailing and his spirits are down. I can't imagine that there is a possibility of pursuing this and having his full support but him not being there to witness it. The other day when I was so happy to have shared this with my parents, he even asked detailed questions about the trip insinuating that he would definitely come with us to help with the kids, to be there for us. But it's his health issues that really prevent either him or my mother, for that matter, from coming. He must be near the best hospitals here in NYC, not across the other side of the world. But he's such a good dad I know he'd be there for me in a second if I needed him, as he has been there for me always.
Feeling a bit sad and numb but we won't know anything more until tomorrow.
On the positive side Gary is coming around. Slowly but surely.
Feeling a bit sad and numb but we won't know anything more until tomorrow.
On the positive side Gary is coming around. Slowly but surely.
Monday, November 12, 2007
A Happy Heart
In the past many months, we have brought up periodically to friends and family that we are going to consider adoption. But it's not a topic that gets brought up a lot. Perhaps because I want to keep it private where it remains a very positive thing for me. When it is brought up, I sometimes have to brace myself for opinions that are counter to mine. I used to think that if no one asked me questions about my thoughts about adoption they just weren't interested fully in what I had to say. Perhaps I wasn't even sure how to express what I felt and people sensed that. So it's been weeks and months since I have mentioned it, except to some people here and there, and definitely more recently. Some people, I have discovered, just wait for you to open up to them when they feel you are ready. And so it was today when I decided to bring up the topic to my parents.
For over an hour, I shared my thoughts, spoke about my experiences researching, showed my notes and spoke about concerns, shared some of my favorite blogs and YouTube videos, spoke about the good and the unknowns, and spoke about my beliefs on the topic.
I had been holding off telling my dad about my adoption thoughts until I was more sure. I was fairly certain he would be great about it but wanted to be more sure, nonetheless. But I found out today that my mom had already discussed it with him. That was huge because it meant it was something serious that warranted discussion. My dad, bless his heart, said he fully supports me. He seemed to think it was wonderful (especially when I told him that it was his own Romanian parents who had been my impetus), and the idea of adoption seemed to be something he seemd proud of. He said that come what may (in regards to the health of the child) there would be no questions, "you just love that child as you have you daughters." My mother later on, after asking questions and becoming more educated, said "I support you 100%!!!!" whatever I choose to do.
Either my parents are and have been more progressive than I gave them credit for or they are following the lead of their more unconventional daughter. Either way, I can't express how much of a weight is lifted off my shoulders that I decided to open up to them in greater detail about the research and thought I have been actively putting into this decision the past two months. Being that I began thinking about it and doing light research back in April, it really has been a long 8 month process. No one would ever be able to say that I went into this hastily.
My contacts at Journey Home, an agency we are strongly considering, have been a great source of support in this very early stage of my decisions. One wrote me an email yesterday that told me how remarkable my diligence and research has been throughout this whole process, and how I am asking all the right questions and am really at a place where I know the wonderful, but also the possibly unforeseen outcomes now, as opposed to later, and that I would actually be a great resource to others. Nothing will come as a surprise to me (well hopefully not.) I have been taking my research so seriously.
It seems my parents are concerned if 3 kids in general is biting off more than I can chew, not that adoption is the issue here. I laughed and agreed! That's one reason why I'm not rushing now. It would be helpful if my youngest daughter was closer to 4 by the time she became a big sister. But we'll see what happens as we progress. I am also hoping that my husband will segue out of working 6 days a week sooner rather than later. The perils of owning his own business, but it's somthing, that thanks to a better routine this year, has gotten easier to manage for me.
So although Gary is softening to the situation in a way I never expected (wanted to sponsor an older child's education for now being one huge step), he is not at a place yet to decide if this is totally for us. But yet everything he says and does (the fact that he is so willing to pick up and add a visit to our Georgia friends into our vacation) is showing me that he is seriously considering this in his own way too. It's probably the travel and being away from work that concerns him, but when I say to him "Picture having this child and telling him or her that we almost didn't come to get you because you didn't want to be away from photographing the Goldmans and Shwartzes Bar Mitzvahs" he totally gets it.
Regardless of what ultimately transpires, I feel very content to have opened up to my parents and very blessed to have their continued and loving support. Thank you!!!
Also, I was giving this blog thing some thought. So far I have mentioned this blog to 2 or 3 people perhaps. I don't even know if they have checked it past that one time I had mentioned it. I have no idea if anyone out in blog world has even read this blog. I originally began a blog hoping for divine intervention, hoping that I'd write this blog and get support from others and it would be okay for me to move forward. But tonight especially I realized I got support from the people (outside of my family unit) who mean the most to me, my parents. I don't need support from blog viewers, although that would be amazing because I do feel the support from the adoptive parents I have met. I write for myself, I guess. Something I have always done in my own personal journals anyway. I write to record a moment in time, to record transformations that take place both externally and within me, and to chart the very beginning stages of what I hope will be an amazing journey.
I hope that if there is anyone in my situation reading this now or ever, that perhaps I can offer some guidance as well. But until then I think it's only been myself who checks my profiles, so it's still like I'm just writing to myself. And that is fine by me.
S
For over an hour, I shared my thoughts, spoke about my experiences researching, showed my notes and spoke about concerns, shared some of my favorite blogs and YouTube videos, spoke about the good and the unknowns, and spoke about my beliefs on the topic.
I had been holding off telling my dad about my adoption thoughts until I was more sure. I was fairly certain he would be great about it but wanted to be more sure, nonetheless. But I found out today that my mom had already discussed it with him. That was huge because it meant it was something serious that warranted discussion. My dad, bless his heart, said he fully supports me. He seemed to think it was wonderful (especially when I told him that it was his own Romanian parents who had been my impetus), and the idea of adoption seemed to be something he seemd proud of. He said that come what may (in regards to the health of the child) there would be no questions, "you just love that child as you have you daughters." My mother later on, after asking questions and becoming more educated, said "I support you 100%!!!!" whatever I choose to do.
Either my parents are and have been more progressive than I gave them credit for or they are following the lead of their more unconventional daughter. Either way, I can't express how much of a weight is lifted off my shoulders that I decided to open up to them in greater detail about the research and thought I have been actively putting into this decision the past two months. Being that I began thinking about it and doing light research back in April, it really has been a long 8 month process. No one would ever be able to say that I went into this hastily.
My contacts at Journey Home, an agency we are strongly considering, have been a great source of support in this very early stage of my decisions. One wrote me an email yesterday that told me how remarkable my diligence and research has been throughout this whole process, and how I am asking all the right questions and am really at a place where I know the wonderful, but also the possibly unforeseen outcomes now, as opposed to later, and that I would actually be a great resource to others. Nothing will come as a surprise to me (well hopefully not.) I have been taking my research so seriously.
It seems my parents are concerned if 3 kids in general is biting off more than I can chew, not that adoption is the issue here. I laughed and agreed! That's one reason why I'm not rushing now. It would be helpful if my youngest daughter was closer to 4 by the time she became a big sister. But we'll see what happens as we progress. I am also hoping that my husband will segue out of working 6 days a week sooner rather than later. The perils of owning his own business, but it's somthing, that thanks to a better routine this year, has gotten easier to manage for me.
So although Gary is softening to the situation in a way I never expected (wanted to sponsor an older child's education for now being one huge step), he is not at a place yet to decide if this is totally for us. But yet everything he says and does (the fact that he is so willing to pick up and add a visit to our Georgia friends into our vacation) is showing me that he is seriously considering this in his own way too. It's probably the travel and being away from work that concerns him, but when I say to him "Picture having this child and telling him or her that we almost didn't come to get you because you didn't want to be away from photographing the Goldmans and Shwartzes Bar Mitzvahs" he totally gets it.
Regardless of what ultimately transpires, I feel very content to have opened up to my parents and very blessed to have their continued and loving support. Thank you!!!
Also, I was giving this blog thing some thought. So far I have mentioned this blog to 2 or 3 people perhaps. I don't even know if they have checked it past that one time I had mentioned it. I have no idea if anyone out in blog world has even read this blog. I originally began a blog hoping for divine intervention, hoping that I'd write this blog and get support from others and it would be okay for me to move forward. But tonight especially I realized I got support from the people (outside of my family unit) who mean the most to me, my parents. I don't need support from blog viewers, although that would be amazing because I do feel the support from the adoptive parents I have met. I write for myself, I guess. Something I have always done in my own personal journals anyway. I write to record a moment in time, to record transformations that take place both externally and within me, and to chart the very beginning stages of what I hope will be an amazing journey.
I hope that if there is anyone in my situation reading this now or ever, that perhaps I can offer some guidance as well. But until then I think it's only been myself who checks my profiles, so it's still like I'm just writing to myself. And that is fine by me.
S
Strength and Conviction
My resolve is strengthening. The more I know I feel the more I can never turn back. I know too much. If I changed my mind now it would almost be as if I left my child there.
The more people share with me, the more I feel connected to these parents and the more I seem to share. I feel it is a very close knit community of adoptive parents. I am not in this community yet but I have been so welcomed. Last night, one mom who I spoke to on the phone for 103 minutes (couldn't believe it when I hung up that the phone showed that much time had passed) told me that no matter what happens in my decisions, she would love to know the outcome of the path we choose. And I absolutely will share this with all those who have paved the way for me -- again, regardless of what happens.
The mom last night also had a biological daughter and told me that she wondered if perhaps God meant for them to only have one child and if adoption was the right decision for her. The way she would know is that she would continue doing the research and keep moving forward and if there were no road blocks and the next step lead to the next step, then it was meant to be.
Well, my resolve has been tested a few times. I don't have so much support in my life in regards to this, but maybe it's because I haven't opened up my heart enough yet to express my true desires and no one really believes me. But yet my husband is now very interested in sponsoring the education of an older child (a huge step!!) and he continues to listen to all my reports from research and conversations with others. And yet, despite a little break for me (I got burnt out a bit on all my late night searches and contacts) I continue to move forward, I continue to feel that adoption is one of the greatest things for the world, continue to feel that a child would be lucky to have us and we to have him/her and I continue to feel that this is the way we are going to build our family.
I am very excited to be able to visit with our friends in Georgia as part of our vacation this December. This just worked our perfectly as we'll be seeing relatives in Georgia too. No road blocks here either. The plans just seemed to happen very naturally. I would love to meet face to face these people who have been so instrumental as we began the decision making process. To meet in person the daughter whose photo first caught my eye in April 2007 because she reminded me of my own daughter. To see our two daughters play together.
How unbelievable is modern technology that it bridges families and forms friendships in such a unique way. It is really remarkable that a simple email to a stranger two months ago will result in us getting to spend some time together as families. I feel very grateful!
The more people share with me, the more I feel connected to these parents and the more I seem to share. I feel it is a very close knit community of adoptive parents. I am not in this community yet but I have been so welcomed. Last night, one mom who I spoke to on the phone for 103 minutes (couldn't believe it when I hung up that the phone showed that much time had passed) told me that no matter what happens in my decisions, she would love to know the outcome of the path we choose. And I absolutely will share this with all those who have paved the way for me -- again, regardless of what happens.
The mom last night also had a biological daughter and told me that she wondered if perhaps God meant for them to only have one child and if adoption was the right decision for her. The way she would know is that she would continue doing the research and keep moving forward and if there were no road blocks and the next step lead to the next step, then it was meant to be.
Well, my resolve has been tested a few times. I don't have so much support in my life in regards to this, but maybe it's because I haven't opened up my heart enough yet to express my true desires and no one really believes me. But yet my husband is now very interested in sponsoring the education of an older child (a huge step!!) and he continues to listen to all my reports from research and conversations with others. And yet, despite a little break for me (I got burnt out a bit on all my late night searches and contacts) I continue to move forward, I continue to feel that adoption is one of the greatest things for the world, continue to feel that a child would be lucky to have us and we to have him/her and I continue to feel that this is the way we are going to build our family.
I am very excited to be able to visit with our friends in Georgia as part of our vacation this December. This just worked our perfectly as we'll be seeing relatives in Georgia too. No road blocks here either. The plans just seemed to happen very naturally. I would love to meet face to face these people who have been so instrumental as we began the decision making process. To meet in person the daughter whose photo first caught my eye in April 2007 because she reminded me of my own daughter. To see our two daughters play together.
How unbelievable is modern technology that it bridges families and forms friendships in such a unique way. It is really remarkable that a simple email to a stranger two months ago will result in us getting to spend some time together as families. I feel very grateful!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Slowing Down
I have definitely slowed down. My thoughts on the amazingness of adoption is still there. My intensely focused research into it is not. This is a good thing. I sort of feel like I've had some cold water thrown onto me. Recently I came across some websites with very unfortunate circumstances that transpired. I believe they are rare, yet absolutely heartbreaking nonetheless. I had two days of feeling sort of down in regards to what I read. Nothing that makes me turn away from adoption, but rather the opposite. I think more about how desperate the conditions often are. The reality of these specific people's situations and the tragedies that befell their children were so sobering to me. I think it was the step back I needed.
However, I still need to make a few more calls to some people I've met. I still do read all the emails from my yahoo groups.
I received an email about taking a child in for the holidays. It's obviously in hopes that you'll want to adopt that older child. I can't imagine a child coming and having a great time with your family and you send them back to the orphanage.
This morning I told Gary about this program, how great it is, not something we would do now, but just to talk about it.
He is so sensitive my dear man. He said "We are in a position to do really great things, and it's just so scary. But when I think about our kids and the chance for them to come to America (if they were the ones in an orphanage) I would just want to do something. Those older kids are the ones who really need help. Look into this!"
I couldn't believe it. I hugged him and hugged him, just because he really is such a good, loving, kind hearted man. Precisely what I saw in him way back when.
However, I still need to make a few more calls to some people I've met. I still do read all the emails from my yahoo groups.
I received an email about taking a child in for the holidays. It's obviously in hopes that you'll want to adopt that older child. I can't imagine a child coming and having a great time with your family and you send them back to the orphanage.
This morning I told Gary about this program, how great it is, not something we would do now, but just to talk about it.
He is so sensitive my dear man. He said "We are in a position to do really great things, and it's just so scary. But when I think about our kids and the chance for them to come to America (if they were the ones in an orphanage) I would just want to do something. Those older kids are the ones who really need help. Look into this!"
I couldn't believe it. I hugged him and hugged him, just because he really is such a good, loving, kind hearted man. Precisely what I saw in him way back when.
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