74 Days

This video came as a result of my worrying that Major would not remember us after 74 days apart.

It includes photos and video of the first moments together after our separation. I would have posted

sooner but I had audio copyright issues and only edited the video today to correct this.

Seeing this video again today made me cry for all that Major endured. I can see the bruises on his face

from frequent falls likely and the scratch marks that were self inflicted results of his frustration. He looks

wide eyed and unsure. Though happy to see us and definitely comfortable, he was also wary and

reluctant as if he didn't know what to make of our return.

I don't remember this little boy. But I want to. And need to. To remember and honor his beginnings

will only make his triumphs, big and small, that much more remarkable. It makes me so happy for where

we stand now, two weeks home and almost one month after this video was taken. So much more to grow

and learn from, but amazingly, so much accomplished ... emotionally, physically, lovingly. Simultaneously

it breaks my heart for those left behind. There are a few children at the end of this video here from Major's

group ... and I think of where they would be now with just a little love and one on one attention. I hope

they get it soon ...

Family of Five -- At Long Last!

The above photo shows the moment we are all united in hugs and kisses as we emerge from Customs to see our daughters on Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at JFK Airport at about 7pm.

It has been a long while since I have written here. While in Kazakhstan, I did not have Blogger connections and now at home, I have to admit that it hasn't been for lack of time. It's because I am so overwhelmed with the magnitude of it all, I don't even know where to begin. I will likely just jump in where I am, slowly, and do small catch ups here and there.

We are home today 12 full days. And it sure is amazing what can occur in the human spirit in 12 days, for all of us.

Well, let's back track a bit to Kazakhstan where Major could never settle at night, kicked and bucked and slammed his head numerous times into the headboard when he overshot his pillow, where his night terrors had him crying out in his sleep for Mama, but that Mama was not me, where his anguish was so deep to be taken away from his home, and I could not do much to console him because it wasn't me he wanted. Let's talk about tonight now, where this sweet little boy signed "more" when I gave him his first taste of Carvel ice cream, where he joyfully played in the bath and enjoyed being washed and soaped up and only struggled just a bit before bed until I held him tight in the Ergo carrier and he finally settled against me, his sweet smelling hair a bit sweaty, his feet dangling out of the carrier and his smooth skin against mine. I am in love with this kid, I absolutely am. I think I literally feel the Oxytocin flowing through my body when I spend time caring for and nurturing him.

While in Kazakhstan, Oxytocin was no where in sight. What I was mostly feeling was "When is my shift over?" I was worried for what we had undertaken because I had never been in charge of a child who wanted so very little to do with me. I kept saying to Gary "It will be better once we are home .... won't it?" It was a tough week for me emotionally ... I couldn't yet trust what others had told me and what I'd read. That love grows and that it's just as important for me to bond as it is for him. Though I did all the nurturing things for Major while in Kazakhstan, the newness, the jetlag, the small living conditions, the overstimulation for Major ... everything was not conducive to bonding the way it has been here at home and I felt the weight and magnitude of this life change as if it would always be this way. It was actually on Day 7 of being with him in our hotel that we began to feel a shift. It was a day when life got calmer and we felt he began to trust us and need us. And because of this, we are very grateful for the extra days we had to spend in Almaty waiting for a flight (4 days longer than we needed to be there.)

The girls have been wonderful with him. I have two big helpers and playmates and I know it has made the transition into a family life smoother for him, though it also posed some bumps in learning to share our love immediately, for everyone. For the most part, on Day 12 at home, life is really good. Emma told me she doesn't want to go to summer camp because she just wants to spend time with her brother. Eden has told me she no longer has to play with dolls (previously her favorite activity) as she now has a real live baby!

Though I still deal with, and will continue to deal with teaching Major how to manage frustration without being violent to himself and how to be gentle with others and not rough, I have already seen the light in the form of his love, kisses, gentle touches, his smiles upon waking up and seeing me and his trust. He needs me and that alone makes my heart sing. It is true, the adoption quote I have read so many times -- "You did not grow under my heart, but in it" and the other "Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still entirely my own." I look at him and he is the boy I always dreamed about. I love him as my own flesh and blood and I know that feeling will grow and grow. I am so grateful for the part of me that can love like this. I always assumed it but now I am certain. I can kiss and smell and breathe this kid in all day long, except for his poop and farts, which I must say are quite strong (!) and require some getting used to.

I am very tired and very busy (especially with Emma and Eden off this week from school and me feeling like a waitress a bit) but I feel such a sense of happiness and peace in my life. I have worked so hard for this family of 5 and the satisfaction I feel at having arrived at this place in time is divine. I could not have wished for a better little boy in my life - a better baby to be my son, and a better little brother to Emma and Eden and a better little boy for Gary, who is so proud of having Major. Gary just keeps on surprising me ;-)

I also want to say that I am a very proud Signing Mom to a little boy who is home 12 days and already signs the following words:

Eat

More

All Finished

Water

Shoe

Tree

Cheese

Cracker

Wait (in response to me signing this appropriately)

Toilet (in response to me signing this appropriately)

How did he sign so fast you might ask? Well, first and foremost, his age makes it easier for him to catch on, as he already gestures by pointing and waving and blowing kisses and these are technically additional "gestures", though they are true ASL vocabulary. But, being an active signer with my kids for years now, I happen to be really diligent and consistent throughout the day and that helps quite a bit. I guess what is pretty amazing is that he is signing appropriately for words that I taught him in English, so his comprehension of what we say in English is growing by leaps and bounds.

In English, he has said, though not regularly -- Emma, book (later on he said it backwards (Kub), tee (for "tree"), doo (for "shoe"), Poppa, Mama, ball (once?), car (once?).

In his own babbling Kazakh, Major seems to repeat a lot of words. Though while in Kazakhstan I tried to find out from locals what he was saying and no one knew, I am fairly certain, as he keeps repeating the same sounds/words, he definitely has meaning for these words.

Some of them that I remember right now are:

Alla? -- said as a question, very often throughout the day as he is pointing to things.

Ammah -- said as a question

Abuela -- sounds like the word for Grandmother in Spanish

Meh - This I know means "Take" and he says this very often when giving me something

Dope Dope -- This is his short version of "dopti" which means Ball in Kazakh.

I will continue to post more about the trip and experience and catch up in pieces about how it is going here as a Family of 5. There are also tons of photos which will be quick to come as well.

Soon to Bring Home Major Grateful List

I am grateful for taking time tonight in between packing to write a grateful list.

I am grateful to be packing for my trip Thursday, the final of three trips in which we bring home our little boy.

I am grateful and hopeful that he will remember us.

I am grateful and hopeful that even if he won't remember us, he will smoothly transition to being with us daily.

I am grateful for all the books and emails I read and videos I watched which gave me wonderful tips and steps to follow that will help us all bond and attach well as a family.

I am grateful for clothing for him to wear this week -- some new and excitedly bought by me and some already experienced by a few of our family's favorite boys.

I am grateful for prioritizing my time this week with my daughters.

I am grateful for amazing open communication about how they feel adding a new little person to our lives - the excitement, the fears, the truth, the sadness, the joy, the joy, the joy, the joy.

I am grateful for a wonderful Sunday to remember yesterday, our last sunday as a family of 4.

I am grateful for support all around me.

I am grateful for convictions in many areas of my life.

I am grateful that since March 2007, I never wavered on a dream that is now coming true.

I am grateful for Jen Mac, and my grat list group, who supported me and who helped me realize this dream.

I am grateful for nerves and tears and smiles and stress and joy and excitement and all the emotions one can experience this week.

I am grateful for my husband who jumped on board and is a very involved member of our Team Major.

I am grateful for the amazing friends I met in the blog world who are some of my truest friends and supporters despite us having never met all of them in person.

I am grateful for my parents who are my #1 supporters.

I am grateful for Melissa's gift which has helped me keep my son close to my heart until we meet again.

I am grateful that God has blessed my broken road -- all the challenges, obstacles, delays, lost paperwork, rejected fingerprints and cancelled travel dates -- as they have led me to this moment.

I am grateful in advance for a wonderful reunion with MJ and then a wonderful reunion at our local airport with our entire family of five - in less than two weeks from now.

I am grateful for the moment my son will touch American soil for the first time and becomes a US citizen.

I am grateful for all the joy we will bring to his life and the love and delight he will add to our lives.

I am grateful for never stopping.

I am grateful for the amazing relief and joy I feel at getting to this moment in time.

I am grateful, so very grateful, that where I once doubted, I now am full of FAITH.

I am very very very grateful for all of you.

I am so very grateful for all that I am, all that will be and for the lovely joyous unit that is my family of 5.

God bless!
Steph

I Heart Faces -- Jump for Joy Challenge

I have been a fan of the photography web site I Heart Faces but it's the first time I am entering a contest. I couldn't resist entering the "Jump for Joy!" Challenge with this image I took of our kids' babysitter and her 9 High School friends reuniting at our local park during Thanksgiving break during their first year at college. They were beautiful and joyful and it was a pleasure to be around them jumping for joy! (I am entering the contest in the Amateur Division.)

Check out the web site and the other Jump for Joy entries!

The Karp Family of 4 -- A Sunday to Remember

Pocono Mountains in Pennsylvania. Long car ride. Singing in the car. Snow Tubing. Laughter. Joy.

A Sunday to remember ... our last one as a family of 4.

Me and My Girls

The reality sets in that this is our last weekend as a family of four and this morning Emma, Eden and I were playing a matching game, which led to free flowing conversation, which then lead to us going around in a circle talking about our upcoming changes. I am so proud of my girls to be able to share their feelings, to admit freely, after not having told me this before, that as excited as they are about Brother coming, they have "mixed up feelings." I am so proud of them and proud that we were able to have a discussion going around our little circle talking about one thing we are excited about and one thing we are sad about.

Some of the things they are excited about:
1. Never being bored in the house
2. Having another person to love in our family
3. Having another person at the dining room table
4. Having their own little boy person around since they love Tyler, Henry and Dylan so much

Some of the things they are sad about:
1. Missing our family of 4, which then got Emma talking about how she misses being a family of 3 even though she wouldn't trade Eden for anything.
2. Having less time with Mommy and Daddy
3. Not being able to sit on Mommy and Daddy's lap
4. Worrying if they won't *want* to sit on *my* lap anymore because they will be so busy with Brother

I told them that I am going to make some huge changes which will involve not multi-tasking so much, not checking my emails until they are asleep and Emma asked "But what about your blog that you love?" and I said that will wait until you are playing with friends or asleep. My life in the present is far more important than recording the life I am living. I will remember more of my life by living it fully than by recording it.

I told Emma and Eden (and, just as equally, reminded myself) that I have been looking forward to this chapter in my life for a very long time now and my attention will be focused because of it. I think we will actually have a better quality of family life because of it. And we vowed to always have open communication with each other (I called it our Mother Daughter Girls Pact) and that we will always tell each other what is on our minds so that we can always remain the close and open family that we are.

That being said, especially when I just come home, I am going to shut the ringers off of my phone. I will check messages late at night and return calls then, a few a night. If it is a huge emergency then my cell phone is always there. But it is so mandatory for me as we all get to know each other as a family to not be interrupted by the things that I love to do -- connecting with friends being one of them. It would be so easy for me to pick up the phone and say HI but I also don't want to be tempted to take time away during this crucial time. I need to give this chapter of my life my all. It will only make life easier for me as time goes on.

So that being said when I do come home, I will be so grateful to hear from my friends and family but please understand if it takes me just a little while to return or initiate some calls, between jet lag and acclimating to my new family, making sure the girls are okay and accommodating all of Major's needs. I think we'll need to live in a cocoon for just a little while and I bet I will enjoy it. It's one of the reasons Gary and I loved being in Kazakhstan, it was sort of a cocoon of life, how often do we allow ourselves the luxury of living in the moment.

I have been known to be a harried, unorganized mother (shocker alert!) However, according to my own organized mother, I do it to myself with my non-preparedness, late nights of internet searches and over-scheduling. Now this is not me all the time, but when this does happen, it leads to anxiety and rushing, not the ways I want to live. I joke that I will be a harried mother of three, but I don't have to be. I don't *want* to be. I want to be, and I *can* be, a very present, in-tuned, connected and loving mother of three.

This next chapter of my life .... bring it on baby. I'm so ready.

Dichotomy of Thoughts

Looking at Major's bed when I wake up in the morning has given me intense happiness. The smell of the new furniture, the wood, the sheets so soft -- it all holds so much promise. I moved his bed around closer to one wall and this morning the sun filtered in and I thought, that is how he is going to wake up every day, with a little natural sunlight falling on his cuteness, and I counted the days in my head and thought, in about 20 days (give or take) he is going to actually be in this bed. Oh the joy of waking up to the reality of knowing we are finally a family.

All at once, however, after this thought came a wave of nausea, a pit in my stomach, an intense sadness and just a moment of dread in my heart. In the birth of this new family of 5 comes the end of something that I knew before. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this Sunday is the last Sunday we will ever experience as a family of 4 and it almost made me want to cry. The reality is that I felt this way when I was pregnant with Eden, the sadness and the loss of the small family of three that Gary, Emma and I shared. But I recall vividly too that, despite having post partum blah for a little while and aside from that period of time in general when hormones were running amuck, I never felt the losses but only the gains.

There are losses, as is the case when one door closes and another opens. But in the opening of a new door, there are also gains. And I know the gains for Major will be great, the gains for Emma and Eden will be great and the gains for us to share in his life will be great. I will absolutely make sure to spend one on one time with Emma and Eden during this time, even if just to separate from the family for a little while and do their nails or play a puzzle. I have a lot of one on one time with Eden, at least 2.5 hours every day when it is just us before we pick up Emma from school. Though by the time Emma finishes her homework or her activity and we have dinner, often times I am putting both kids to bed. But I know as time goes on the importance of spending quality time with each individually will only grow in necessity.

There are some projects I never started or never finished, but the next 6 months with them still sitting there, well, it won't make a difference at all. Cleaning my closets and finishing photo albums, well, there is always the summer time and a half hour here and there in the evening.

What will make a difference? Spending quality time with Major Cutie, attaching, bonding, being patient, having more evening time with Gary home and all of us together as a family. Less time on the phone or the internet, less time multi-tasking. I have a feeling that in many ways, the "gains" of this time in our lives, will be that I actually focus more on us, more on my family unit and as such will have become more present in my life in general, something I struggle with at times, often succeeding, sometimes not. And in doing all of this for Major to help him feel a part of our family, it actually becomes an extremely memorable time for us all.

11 more days until he's ours forever ...