Letter to Our Son Before We Knew Who He Was

This letter was written at 11pm on Friday, December 11, 2009 on the way from NYC to Amsterdam


Dear Little Boy - whose face I do not yet know.
Soon we will meet you and you might be very frightened. We will be gentle with you. We will show you how to love, how to be in a family -- we will show you the special love that a family shares. You won't be alone much longer, my dear boy, and yet you don't know how your life will truly change. Having two wonderful daughters, I always dreamed of the opportunity to raise a son. What an experience it will be to have you in our lives.

Our love will make you shine -- your love will make us a family. And as long as it takes for you to connect with us, it's okay. We aren't going anywhere.

Whoever you may be, you are already in my heart. I can't wait to meet you ... My baby, my child, grow old along with me, the best is yet to be ....

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Steph's Travel Journal -- Thoughts from NYC to Amsterdam

These notes are transcribed from the paper journal I kept while traveling December 11-12, 2009. (I also updated previous "Meetcha Day" post with a few more details.)

Friday, December 11, 2009 10:42 pm

"Deliver me to safety. Deliver me to safety," I whisper to myself, as the plane has just lifted off and out my window to the left, across Gary's sleeping frame (already!), the twinkling golden lights of New York flash and wink.

I have not taken pen to paper in so long, having become quite fond of the soft clickety-clack of my keyboard. But even now, once again, I become more present as write in my fresh new spiral bound notebook.

So nervous for so long, I guess I do feel the peace spoken about from other adoptive parents heading to their children. It didn't come when I clicked my seatbelt into place, but rather as soon as the plane reached a higher altitude. There was some turbulence upon take-off, perhaps felt more strongly because gary and I are in the last row of this huge Boeing 777. It's quite nice actually - we are two by ourselves and though it's the last row, we can recline.

Gary made certain to have a very relaxed schedule today. He was relaxed and jovial and I responded in kind. My testiness from the past few days, a result of short notice to travel, lots to do and very little sleep, slipped away.

Last night I was tying up so many loose endsand got concerned, after looking in the mirror at my graying roots, that there was one more thing I needed to do. So 3:30 am had me waiting in the bathroom with Chestnut goop in my hair and 4 am found me showering it off. The off to sleep and up at 7:20 am.

Adrenaline and a stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a mocha latte has kept me alive today. I even managed to fit in a haircut.

Once the kids were home, with Gary home too, it was really nice. He felt it too and while still finishing up last minute packing, felt no stress. We actually decorated a gingerbread house today, the first we ever did. Then we did our 3rd night of Chanukah since we'll be resuming when we get back home.



Once at the airport, Gary's trepidation over having left the kids became apparent. He realizes it's best not to take the kids but he feels he didn't sign up for this part. And it's true, we always spoke about them going. I was hugging and kissing them all day and while they have verbalized how much they will miss us and wrote us countless letters of which they were so proud, they had had enough of hugging after a while. (Even Eden asked how to spell out all the words in her letter to me about how she will miss us and we will be back soon. She talks about loving the writing center at school and I can see her pride and joy.)



How sweet to bring the kids to my parents and my mom begin to cry right away. Sweeter still was my dad who didn't let me go when I thought the hug was over, then still didn't let go and sniffed back his tears. They are just so excited.


Our family good bye hug before my dad took us to the airport


Once at the airport, Gary called his mom and then his Aunt Esther whose words of excitement touch Gary and calm him. In fact, when he was displaying signs of cold feet again, I said "Call Aunt Esther. She puts it all in perspective" And she did -- speaking of this special miracle on Chanukah.

Dear Emma and Eden -- Our hearts break to not be with you but this will all end in something wonderful for you. What a lucky boy to have such great and loving sisters all his very own! And lucky you to finally be getting a little brother! Sooner than we expected this time. Love, Mommy

We have found our boy! And I feel thrilled!

Written Monday, December 14, 2009 Almaty at Noon

Exhausted and emotionally fatigued but happy and relieved. There is a little boy, about 2 years old, who made me cry with joy and relief upon seeing him when they walked him in, a reaction I did not expect to have. I never even cried at the moment of my wedding or births, but this was a relief of built up emotion and relief that he was cute and here in front of me and a feeling in my gut that told me this would all work out.

At 9:35 am, after another hearty breakfast, we were picked up by our driver, Emankule.

[Notes from my journal notebook say: In car now ready to pick up Tatyana at the City Hall and head to the Baby House. Feel anxious but calm and hopeful.

9:50 pm: Just met Tatyana at City Hall and signed our names in a registry for allowance to visit the Baby House. It was a quick in and quick out. Weather is brisk but comfortable, sun is shining. Gary has jacket open, likes the weather, seems relaxed, joked that it seems that we are on a secret mission here. Our driver Emankule uses gestures and we just follow him and go. He is a former athlete, a wrestler. A tiny man but strong with gold teeth and a nose that looks as if it's been broken a good many times. Now we are back in the car waiting for Tatyana to come out again with the paper she needs for us. The car is a comfortable Lexus (Tatyana's son works at a dealership in Florida) and no seatbelts are used (they are hidden beneath this grey furry seat comforter and for now I have not asked for them to be revealed. I will soon.) Russian Lite-FM style music is playing on the radio. Feel at peace.]

This is a photo of Gary waiting in front of Almaty's City Hall right before we headed to the Baby House #3 for the first time.

When the car slowed ten minutes later and we entered a complex with low buildings and an impressive playground area, I asked "Is this it?" We got out of the car and Gary and I touched pinkies, a gesture we have always used to show solidarity together. From here everything happened so quickly. We entered the baby house doors to a darkened foyer with silvery threads of streamers hanging down, festive for the holidays, but the atmosphere was spare and quiet. I said to Gary "I can not believe we are here." Just as anticipated, the scent of cooking cabbage, a warm and homey scent, filled the air. Tatyana told us to sit on the couch but we didn't, just stood looking at the ceiling strands. A minute later Tatyana poked her head back to us and said "We're ready now." She ushered us in to the Baby House Director's Office just a few steps away where the director, in her white coat, sat stoically in the chair behind a desk wearing a medical mask. It was an odd feeling -- I felt the reception from her to be such that I just not speak and follow along. I believe Gary and I nodded a smile and hello to her. We sat. I whispered (felt the need to) to Tatyana if I could take my jacket off. I did. A minute or less of back and forth in Russian from Tatyana to the Director. I was waiting for some big announcement to be made, some formal introduction of this boy, some paperwork to be looked through in front of me. But no, it was simply that the door to my right just opened up. It was approximately 10:05 am that I first laid eyes on the boy who will be my son.

I would never be able to tell you what the caregiver looked like because when the door opened to the Director's office and in he walked holding the hand of a woman in white, my eyes couldn't leave him. "Is this him? Is he the one?" I whispered to Tatyana. She nodded. He was scared and slow to enter the room, cried quite a bit and was offered candy to calm him (a rare treat, I am told), kept looking up at caregiver as if to say "help me" (all the while I thought this was a natural thing and therefore a good sign) but I didn't get too close when I offered him the balls, and he came toward me, attempting to hold back tears. Sniffling and looking back at the caregiver who coaxed him with the words of "Mama" and "Papa". My dear Gary got the first small giggle and smile when he kept throwing the ball up -- it was this gesture that was met with that brief smile. Thank you so much to those who told me they wished they had taken a photo the first day they met their child, because we did take a photo though not of me holding him. There is some brief video of him playing and other video of me holding him trying to console this crying boy who was really scared not of me per se, but the situation I presented. I will try to get a prettier photo tomorrow, as the photo I have now shows a very scared looking post crying boy. But I will post this as well tomorrow.

Let me describe him for you -- He is about 2 years old and is Kazakh. What struck me first upon seeing him is a cute button nose and a very pronounced dimple or cleft in his chin. He has light brown hair cut into a lovely but mild mullet. His eyes are dark brown, cute little upturned Asian eyes and his lips look full and so are his cheeks. He was dressed very warmly with knit tights under his dark khaki pants, socks and green wool shoes which closed with a button with rubber soles. He had a winter themed red and gray striped sweater on and likely was wearing a shirt under it as well. And he had a runny nose, which for those who know me and my pet peeve about runny noses, I did not have a problem wiping Batyr Han's nose. This is his first name, two words, though I am not certain how to spell it. A google search has revealed that Batyr in Kazakh means Leader, Man of Courage, Hero, Athlete and also, most interestingly The Dashing Equestrian.

I went to hold him when he was crying, even though I was the cause of his distress. He felt fairly light, didn't struggle but clearly wasn't happy. Gary seemed very concerned for him and wanted the caregiver back to make Batyr Han feel safe. Back to the floor as this was a less stressful situation for him so we played with a huge stacking ring toy and he really seemed to enjoy putting the rings on the pole. I made the brief mistake of trying to help him find the correct side of the pole to insert -- a mistake because I know that "exploration" is all of the fun. I won't do it again -- Let him explore this new world! I heard him babbling a bit and he kept saying "Ma" but I later found out that it is Kazakh for "take" and this makes sense as he kept handing me and Gary balls and rings. When the care giver eventually came to get him in the play room where we did ultimately settle in at 10:15 am, a full 40-50 minutes after we first saw him, he actually seemed reluctant to leave. He was carried off and that was it. When we left the play area, I heard children's music coming from upstairs and again was met with the cooked cabbage scent, which made me feel thankful for knowing that this scent would be part of my experience, like hundreds of people before me.

What happily surprised me very much is that when we came back to the hotel room, Gary wanted to watch the video of Batyr Han a few times. And later still, asked for me to show him the photos again.

I can't thank you all enough for your love and support during this time. When I read your posts and emails and messages on here and Facebook, I am touched beyond belief and do not feel so far away.

Tomorrow we visit with Batyr Han from 4-6 pm. I don't think the time will come fast enough for me.

View out our window of Hotel Kazakhstan -- Late afternoon, Monday December 14, 2009

Waiting for Pick Up

So here we are, Stephanie and Gary, waiting in the hotel room sitting on our unmade tiny and hard bed (though sleep was good last night) with Gary busying himself with organizing stuff, or maybe he's just pacing, I can't really be sure. I am here in Almaty looking out the window as I type at a gray mid morning sky and the snow capped mountains in the distance. The blare of rush hour traffic horns reach up to our room on our 11th floor. Soon we will be on that road to Baby House #3 to meet a boy that God willing will become our son. The emotions I have now are unique to anything I have ever felt, but the most surprising thing is, there is a part of me that feels extremely calm and peaceful here as I wait. I can only hope this feeling will transfer into the Baby House and into the Director's office where, on bended knee and with a soft voice, I will offer a brightly colored toy and a ball, to a little boy who I can only pray will look at me too.

I still feel like I am dreaming. That this moment is not really happening and this is just an extensive and most vivid dream that I have ever had in my life. But Gary assures me this is real and we are here. We have had many discussions about what is about to happen shortly and the reality is that we won't know how it will play out until we are there.

Once today happens, I hope to spend more time uploading the photos from yesterday when Gary and I took a one hour walk, stopped into the pharmacy (imagine gesturing for hand moisturizer and being offered soap and body wash and finally getting it right.) It is a strange land, this place called Almaty. So gray and misty/foggy/smoggy with trees so tall and barren. All signs on the street and advertisements are brightly colored and look like signs you see in Asian stores at home (sort of outdated in a way.) I know that in the Spring and Summer, this city, with streets lined with more trees that you can count, is very lush. But I know given time, it will be a place I will think of fondly as it will be the land in which my son was born.

A is for Almaty!

I write to you from the hotel lobby of Hotel Kazakstan. Now as you sleep, Gary and I fight off exhaustion as it is 2:10 pm here and we must stay awake to have some semblance of normalcy. We have arrived safe and sound after a total door to door travel of 25 hours. It was doable though the most unbearable were the cramped leg situation. I kept a journal during my flights and will gladly post these thoughts when I can. For now I tell you that in a nutshell, on the plane I had thoughts of grandeur as I listened to my favorite adoption songs and felt the excitement mount. Many exhausted hours later, arriving in the pitch black of early morning before dawn to a driver that did not speak English and only gestured, to a room that had more problems than you could count and prevented us from getting any sleep, I felt like crying, such was my extreme homesickness. But the light began to filter through our windows and I finally saw the snow capped mountains in the distance. I spoke to some friends on IM and then to my mom on Skype. Our toilet was finally fixed and the lock on the door as well. I organized my extensive suitcase collection in this tiny standard not what we are used to room and then went down to breakfast where the sun shone more through the glass windows of the hotel. Cup of coffee in hand (4 in fact), and delicious hot food in my belly, Gary and I finally punched knuckles and this meant it is all going to be okay. We met Tatyana at 11 am and I felt like I have known her a long time. I used to live in an entirely Russian neighborhood and she reminded me of this. Winds up, who would have thought that my Kazakh living, Russian born adoption coordinator lived in Brooklyn from 1998 to 2003 on Emmons Avenue next to Maria's restaurant. For those who don't know, this is FIVE blocks from where I lived on Emmons Avenue during those same years as a newlywed and then new mom to Emma. She and I spoke about shopping at Loehmann's! Perhaps our paths crossed long before today. We went to lunch at Venezia's, a nice and clean pizza restaurant, where a children's party was going on. The Kaz kids sure are cute, but Gary still gravitates towards the girls. They are really pretty, in truth. Tatyana told us more about how the day tomorrow will go. The important thing is that tomorrow I will meet the little boy she feels quite possibly can be our son. There is nothing set in stone and I have no idea how tomorrow will play out. I have found out a little about him, but very little, so I prefer to see for myself tomorrow if this is all the case. I am cautiously optimistic but also realistic. I do know that in general, after feeling quite overwhelmed and scared this morning upon arrival, I am quite relaxed down with the sun at my back while I type this out in the lobby. I thought of so many of you upon my travels -- after all, I had 25 hours to do so ;-)

Julie Clifford -- if you are reading this, I feel to be in good hands. Thank you again, so very much, for getting us to this place.

All my best,

Steph and Gary rockin' it out in Almaty!

The Reality of Leaving on Such Short Notice

Though I barely have time to write this post, I know that the act of writing, the quiet clicking of the keyboard and the roam of free thoughts flowing through my brain, has always calmed me. I am nervous. I am frazzled. At moments, I am calm. Or crying in the car. Or peaceful. Or bickering with Gary. Or losing patience with my dear parents. Or dreaming of the moment of meeting a little boy. Or adding to my fleece collection with some Under Armour products for under our clothing, or buying winter boots, or finishing up stuff for Eden and Emma's school projects. Or paying last minute bills. Or organizing their play schedules and birthday parties. Or attempting to finish up my holiday cards (sorry if they never get out this year!) Or feeling grateful that Gary and I will finally have some time without interruption, or searching through my cabinets frantically for my anti-parasite natural remedy or squirting drops in my eye (I caught pink eye from Eden!) Or being overly ambitious thinking I should visit dear Anne Frank's house on my stop over (decided not to, even though likely doable, but another time.)

I can not believe I have made it this far, that *we* as a family have made it this far. I am feeling in disbelief and yet also very much in belief. I feel more calm already, more focused. Tonight at dinner, a nice local place for the current family of 4, I said to Emma "As much as we are feeling anxious about getting ready and mommy and daddy going for a while, imagine on the other side of the world there is a little boy who does not even know yet that his world is about to change drastically by getting two wonderful big sisters."

My mom told me she started to cry today when she told me she told someone today that "my daughter is leaving any day to adopt a baby boy." Is this me she is talking about? Why am I still in disbelief when I have gone through this process mentally and packing-wise just 30 days ago? When will I realize this is real? Have I finally made the dream from when I was 10 years old, dreaming of a baby outside my door who I took in and cared for as my own, a reality? I know there will be hard times ahead, chaos, busy-ness, worries and concerns. But there will be wonder and joy and contentment as well. I have come this far. I am not looking for a perfect child, just a wonderful child to love and to be a little brother to my girls. I know, given time with us for even a few days, this little child will brighten and sparkle. And then even more so when he meets Emma and Eden. And then even more so when he meets his extended family and friends. And then even more so when he meets all his "Kaz cousins" here in the States.

I am grateful that later than I thought but sooner than I hoped, we are going to meet our little boy. I am grateful and hopeful for a safe and joyous journey from New York to Kazakhstan and all the connections in between. I am grateful and hopeful that everything I have ever dreamed and hoped and prayed about in my life has led me up to these final moments. I am grateful and hopeful that we will meet and bond with this little boy who all along, through twists and turns of fate, was meant to be "little brother." I am grateful for Emma and Eden's joy at our sudden impending departure, so grateful for my family who will care for them, grateful that it will be a wonderful and busy holiday season for them in our absence. I am grateful and hopeful that when we meet him and hear his given name, we will easily figure out what we were meant to call him too. I am grateful that though I know nothing about this little person -- his age, his ethnicity, his anything -- he has existed for me all along. I am grateful for the amazing well wishes I have received. I am grateful and hopeful that Gary's cold feet will get warm again as they did one month ago when we were set to go. I am grateful for the surprise Chanukah gift we are getting this year -- and here, I was happy just to be getting my Kindle! I am grateful for the wedding anniversary that Gary and I will get to celebrate in Almaty (Land of Apples) next week. I am grateful for bravery, courage, compassion and love on this next most exciting chapter of our lives as a Family of 5.

Happy Holidays to you all!

A Very Special Hannukah Present

Just last night I looked at the pile of Hannukah gifts for my kids and thought, well, I guess it will be next December that a little boy will get to celebrate Hannukah for the first time. Twelve hours after that thought, my cell phone rang which changed the course of events. THIS Hannukah we will meet our little boy!! This means, I will have a special gift for him to open on the day we arrive and he will be the special present for us. There was no kidding around when I was told "Expect the Unexpected!" It's off to re-pack my electronics, my clothing, my carry on snacks and purchase books on my new Kindle that just arrived today. I still have a few days left here and I am taking Eden to see her first Broadway show tomorrow (Shrek The Musical.) It's time to give my parents back the clothing for the kids, organize the birthday parties and playdates, purchase my winter boots to prepare for a bitter Siberian-style winter, rearrange the holiday parties, brunches and plans we had in store for us this month. It's time to get ready to meet our little boy later than we originally had planned and now sooner than we thought. But if I am to believe what I have slowly learned to trust this past year, then this is exactly the timing for the right little boy to enter our family and change our lives forever. See you on the other side everyone!! It's finally our turn to make The Karp Family of 5 a reality!!