Family Discussions

Emma has been bringing up the idea of a baby brother a lot. Today, Emma was hugging and kissing Eden and I commented on how loving she was and what a big sister. She said "I know! I just want to do this to a brother already!!" At night before bed, both girls were telling me all things they'd do with a baby brother. It includes absolutely EVERYTHING except changing poop diapers. So I said Let's call Daddy up here and get him in on the conversation.

Emma began with "Dad, we are really good sisters and we want to share our love with a brother. On a scale of one to ten, I want a brother a TEN." Gary seemed uncomfortable for a second saying "Really?" A non answer that bought him time. But then he began asking them questions and finding stuff out. We spoke about adoption again and how much love we all have to give and how very lucky we would be and our brother would be. And how very special this brother would be because if not for two sisters who desired a brother so very much, we might not be where we stand now. Emma wanted us to decide "right now" but I said this was an absolutely great discussion and this is a great start to more discussions about this. You can't just go "right now" anyway, these things take time. I asked Emma how she would feel if I was pregnant and she said "Oh, I don't want to be on The Baby Story again -- that is too embarrassing!" How funny that she thinks that is just part of my every day birth experience. Additionally, she said I would feel embarrassed for you if you had a pregnant belly because people would really think you are pregnant. I said, but I would be pregnant so that is okay and secondly, having a belly that is big from being pregnant is absolutely nothing to ever be embarrassed about. It would be a beautiful thing!

So, I just came down and spoke to Gary and he told me that hearing what Emma and Eden had to say really helped him comprehend their desire and begin to feel much more comfortable with being able to expand our family through adoption and give Emma and Eden a baby brother. He seemed a lot more at ease in general. We need more of these conversations. I have them with Emma and Eden all the time but they sometimes seemed reluctant to bring it up in front of Gary, perhaps having sensed ambivalence in these final hours. However, tonight in the dark of Emma's room, my cheeks were balled up in a silent smile for the words that were whispered in the dark between Gary and Emma and Eden. It's all good ... there is a real little boy who waits for us and it's all gonna be just great.

Conversations with Gary

As the reality sets in that in just a few months we will board a plane to meet the little boy I have been dreaming about, I have many emotions to manage. I feel happy and excited and that is my number one feeling. I feel nervous a bit too -- how will I manage my time and family life. I envision doing a lot while having a baby strapped to me and I hope that works out. I do feel lucky to live in a very walkable neighborhood as I will do my best to not be in and out of the car but instead will walk where I can to pick the kids up from school, do errands here and there. There are a few Gymboree style classes in the neighborhood and I will get back into the swing for that too. When Eden was outgrowing those classes, I was actually sick of them and couldn't wait to be done with "Mommy and Me" classes and what I deemed boring conversations of nap schedules, feeding preferences and stool consistencies. Now, I am ready again for them (the classes, not necessary the conversation!) in this next chapter of my life.

I know I will probably utilize my slow cooker and George Foreman grill more for easy dinners. I hope that my mom will be able to help with some school pick ups in the beginning as we'll have to have some time to acclimate. I have wonderful teen babysitters nearby and next door -- I know that they will prove to be necessary and a blessing too. I have friends in the neighborhood and a wonderful blog community that will help me manage the bumps. Gary's family will welcome this baby into our family and will help us manage the beginning getting to know you stage in any way they can. Though Gary's family knows about our adoption when we first began our paperwork 11 months ago, they do not yet know the details and how far along we have come. Gary always was adamant about wanting to tell them in person, and yet my kids don't officially know, so we were always waiting for an opportunity when our kids weren't around. I didn't want to tell my kids and have them burst into Gary's family's house and shout the news in that manner. And at the same time, I didn't want to tell his family when my kids are around because I want to tell them officially in a more special personal way that requires a bit of privacy. We never expected it would happen so fast, and now it's truly time to let everyone know this very exciting news.

So I'll be honest. Gary was a bit taken aback when I told him that our dossier has moved through the system so fast. Since I found out, I'm trying to have conversations with him but he's not so good about communicating in general. I recently found a great, detailed, beautiful blog of a family called the Morningstars and I've been reading bits and pieces of their bonding and travel to Gary as a way to foster communication. They greeted their adoption with utter joy, their travel with laughter (finding funny KZ products such as a cleaning product like Comet called BARF and purchasing canned horsemeat to bring home for Christmas) to their beautiful descriptions of traveling with their two boys to meet their daughter and the beautiful way this post was described, with a simple Post title called "United". Their commentary and joy has affected Gary in some way and I am very grateful. I feel a sense of relief in just talking about this change. It also enabled me to share with Gary some of my own recent blog posts. Gary doesn't do the email thing so he's rarely on the computer -- but he seemed to enjoy or at least be further educated by some of my posts.

Gary is such an amazing father. He encouraged me to go to Italy with my mom and held down the fort with ease -- making lunches for the kids each morning, packing their bags, taking them to and from camp, making dinners and bathing them each night. He was fantastic and I couldn't be more proud and happy that he is the father of my children. In fact, in so many ways, he is far more on the ball than I am. In this way, my worries for how this will all play out is assuaged because I know that, despite me sometimes worrying if there will truly be room on his lap for this little boy, I know that he will be a wonderful father in good time.

The other day we were walking in the local nature preserve all four of us holding hands across the wide path and, just to bring it up, I said to everyone -- If we had a brother, where would he fit here? and Emma, ever the big sister said, Mom, I will wear him in a pouch! He'll be right here! (and she patted her chest.)

I am grateful for my friends today who I had lunch with who greeted my news of the upcoming travel with joy and excited questions. The support of loved ones is so very important to me!

If You're Out There by John Legend

We finally had a chance to get a little more air time. I know that meeting what I consider good friends through my blog seems so unique but Eddie is someone I actually met through YouTube, which I think, in terms of really unique ways to meet someone, tops the cake ;-)

PS. Please pause my playlist at the bottom so you can hear this song.
Enjoy!

A Watched Pot Never Boils

I am reminded of this statement as I realize how quickly my time has flown this summer, especially since June 12 when our dossier was handed in. During this time, I prepared the kids for end of school activities then camp. I shopped, bought and planned for my trip to Italy. Italy flew by and now we're planning to enjoy a little vacation somewhere as a family in August. Soon school will start and all the excitement that Fall brings.

I say this because during these 6 weeks since our dossier was submitted, I was fortunate enough to have been so busy that I didn't watch the "proverbial" pot boiling.

Long ago, when I received a packet of information from our agency, it included something called The Travels of a Dossier and it listed steps 1-7. It all seemed so foreign to me -- I didn't understand what a dossier truly was, let alone the consulate or Ministry of Foreign Affairs in relation to international adoption.

Today I found out some surprising news. In all this time, just 6 weeks, my paperwork has made it to Step #4 in this process (out of 7). Currently, my dossier resides at the Consulate in Washington, DC, where any day (perhaps?) it will be released to my adoption agency's team in Kazakhstan. I've been told that travel could happen as early as September, based on available children, but still more likely October or so.

I just can't believe it! Still is months away but the fact that its moved so far and so fast has boggled my mind.

I've been told that things are moving along much quicker than the timeline on that postcard shows.

I'm thinking that there will be a day in October where I will be able to say "This is the day I met my son." I feel like I know him already. He has resided in my head for so long, then my heart. I no longer worry about this blind travel situation. I know that when I see him I will just know, and it will be a reunion more than a first meeting. That's the way I envision it, anyway.


What a journey!!!

Why I Love My Father

On this rainy day today, once again my dad drove me to downtown Brooklyn to get some additional papers authenticated that are needed for the contacts in Kazakhstan (Gary and I had gotten them notarized this morning before Gary left for work.) It was a quicker process as we have discovered that going midday is much quicker than braving rush hour in the morning. The trip into Manhattan to get apostilled was a quick one as well. I am starting to feel comfort at seeing the old familiar faces of the security guards at the Apostille office on 123 Williams Street.

When my father dropped me off at home, just minutes ago, I gave him a hug and kiss thanking him so much for all he's done. "You are a man among men," I said. He replied with a smile, as if brushing off my praise to prove that any man in his position would do this, "It's for my grandson."

He is truly a man among men and his enthusiasm and support of me means more than anything. After 36 years, it shouldn't surprise me any more.


Back home from an amazing and inspiring and gustatory trip to Italy ... will post about it after tonight ... Will also be holding a memorial service tonight for Emma and Eden's fish Goldie Blue who met her end this weekend. It was a perfect opportunity to introduce the concept of loss, and I must say that although Emma is devastated in many ways, it's been a good thing. She definitely is her mother's daughter as she has requested that I video the memorial service today. No, a toilet bowl burial was not good enough for Goldie Blue. Into the earth she must go where she will become part of the playground and help the plants and flowers grow. We kept her in a cup high up on a bathroom shelf as we deliberated what to tell Emma. The stench was getting unbearable to me so now she waits, unembalmed, in the garage. Oh, poor Goldie Blue. Prior to telling the kids, we did purchase another beta fish who is, as it stands now, called Alice. Though no pet is replaceable, it definitely softened the blow. Emma was funny when she said she has to get used to this new fish seeing her naked (as the fishtank is in her room and right where she changes in the morning.) Eden seemed to not be able to care less about Goldie Blue. Could be her age or matter of factness in general. She claims she is sad but I think she just wants to be like her big sister.

Pre-Italy Jitters

I leave for Italy on Tuesday with my mother -- an 11 day tour to celebrate my mother's retirement that, for both of us in our own ways, has been long awaited. I feel like preparing for this trip has been preparing me for travel to Kaz. I have my international adapters, I have my Skype set up, my new Mac laptop, my travel journals, walking shoes, waist belt, slash proof PacSafe daypack, new camera. Can you just picture it now -- the poster child for Tourist! I did of course pack sunglasses and a few stylish scarves to add flair to my Tourista look. Mostly, I will not worry so much about technology (except to Skype at night to the kiddies) but I will soak in the sights I have waited a lifetime to see. If only it was more recently and not 15 years ago that I took Art History classes, how much more involved I would feel in the history of the trip. But surely I will be a fast learner. I also look forward to a gelato a day if I am to do as much walking as I hope -- and if the hype is what they say it is! ;-)

I am leaving my family at a time when Gary appears to be coming down with something while Emma is recovering from Strep and a cough. Myself, I am sucking down Cold Eeze candies and taking ProBiotics to strengthen my immune system. I must feel well for this trip.

I have a PC desktop in the shop with a record breaking 1400 corrupted files. I bought a MAC to travel with and, although it is only 4 days old, I spent almost 3 hours total on the phone with Apple Care today because my Operating Systems were failing me. My DiskDrive was not allowing me to make copies -- something really important I need for the trip and all the pictures I hope to take. I'm glad I had the foresight to try to attempt to do it today so I was able to figure out the problem. MAC OS disk still installing so let's see what happens at the end of this hour.

There have been silly travel related stressors and I haven't even left the ground.

I had been fearful of the plane ride -- something I used to relish as I used to travel so much for work and loved the peaceful feeling of being in the air -- in limbo, nothing to do but just be. I'd go places yearly or bi-annually with Gary and family and have always loved our family trips, most recently in December, we flew across the country. But now, leaving everyone at home, I'm petrified of the flight. Emma is very very sad and as much as I try to intellectualize with her, I know that she might have bouts of missing me while at camp. (Eden will be fine.) Will Skype be good or bad for us, I have yet to find out if seeing me but knowing I'm so far away will be okay for us.

My friend Sharon gave me a wonderful Traveler's Prayer.

May it be Your will, Eternal One, our G-d and the G-d of our ancestors,
that You lead us toward peace, emplace our footsteps towards peace,
guide us toward peace, and make us reach our desired destination for life, gladness, and peace.
May You rescue us from the hand of every foe, ambush, bandits and wild animals along the way,
and from all manner of punishments that assemble to come to Earth. May You send blessing in our every handiwork, and grant us peace, kindness, and mercy in your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us. May You hear the sound of our supplication, because You are the G-d who hears prayer and supplications. Blessed are You, Eternal One, who hears prayer.

I found something I wrote in 2007 about what I hoped for my life in 10 years from then. Among so many things I hoped, I will have traveled to Italy and adopted a child. Two huge things are coming true because I make them so. I have so much more to accomplish, so much left to teach my children, so much more to learn and grow with Gary, so much joy to bring another child with our upcoming adoption. I pray for a safe journey and adventure -- just one of many in my life ... My story still continues!

Will post at some point from Italia!! Caio, Bella -- for now.

Steph

I leave you with the video our family was in for an AIDS awareness program as signers (ASL). Blink and you will miss us! The Karps got no air time ;-) There is a shot of me alone 45 seconds into it, then shortly after Emma in pink, then at about 1 minute and 45 seconds into it, it's me, Gary and Eden. Thankfully, I have the raw footage too.

Please pause playlist at the bottom of the blogpage so you can hear this great John Legend song.