What I Think About, I Bring About

Is it possible that with all my indecision in the beginning about our adoption that I subconsciously put it out into the universe that we had ambivalence about the process, that these hiccups along the way were set up to challenge me to see if we had the gusto to keep moving forward? Is that all a bunch of mumbo jumbo or truth? Have I been getting in my own way? Someone whom I trust very much in my life and look up to presented me with that idea -- not to make me doubt myself, but to say, is it possible? I just wonder. Or, again, were these hiccups a part of the Greater Plan to bring us together with our son at exactly the right time?

I want to correct my thinking which lately has encountered anxiety and worry about too many things -- both within the adoption and outside of it. I have so many little stressors going on that individually don't appear to be life changing or earth shattering but which, nonetheless, do cause stress. Have I not given myself enough room to ask for help and support for the huge undertaking of adding a 3rd child to our family and all that will entail? I have to give myself a break and chance to accept help, especially from Gary, my partner in all this. He's had so much aggravation and stress with work the past month that I assume letting him on in the adoption stuff will be too much for him to bear. I need support too and I have not allowed myself to ask for it. I am not a martyr and don't have to be. I need to feel a collective partnering and I now realize that the more I set the tone and involve him, the more support I will receive. I need to know he has my back. And, he is so responsive to this, I realize. All I have to do is ask. I am not my own island, especially in this adoption process -- both now and when our son comes home to us, and when he grows and encounters a whole world of stuff out there. Gary and I are a team and we respond to our family as a united front.

I want to take a deep breath and realize a new truth because what I focus my attention on grows. This adoption process is effortless and easy for me. This is a breeze and Gary and I are totally in this together. I ask for what I want from him and do not expect him to read my mind. Whatever I communicate to him, I am setting up to come true. I want to declare this adoption process with joy. I am so close. I trust that everything is meant for our highest good and that whatever is meant to be will be. I have faith that the Universe is on my side and that the whole world supports my visions. I declare this adoption with joy and accept this child into our family with joy -- and this is exactly where I expect others in my life to meet me.

Now, if you have already figured out that I had a Life Coaching session today, then you get a star!

My new affirmation:
I complete this adoption dossier process with ease and peace.
Finishing up the final steps will be a breeze, with Gary by my side to support me every step of the way.

Authentication

It's been a while since I posted. There was a little glitch in my movement forward but now all is good. I had all my materials from our Social Worker and Home Study agent but had to send some of them back to my Social Worker after discovering, thankfully sooner than later, a few had been sent to me (accidentally) unnotarized. About a week or so ago, right before she was to resend us the newly notarized documents, our SW calls me up late at night to tell me that we neglected (all of us, I would say) to get these notaries authenticated -- and that all the paperwork she provided for us (half of which I still had at home) had to be sent back to her so that she could collect them all to send to the Duchess County Clerk's office for Authenication -- to legal prove that the notary public used was in fact "authentic."

So, this past Friday, I received everything back thanks to trusty Fed EX return envelopes. The Duchess County Clerk must be an efficient office as the turn around time was one day. Tomorrow morning, my father will pick me up at 7:30am to brave NYC traffic and travel to downtown Brooklyn to the Kings County Clerk's office to authenticate all the notary stamps that were done here. From there, I will head into Manhattan to the County Clerk there to authenticate the Banker's notary (which was notarized in Manhattan.) From there, we then drive over to the Secretary of State's office, where my father will likely wait for me in a perfect spot thanks to his special handicapped pass which allows him to park literally anywhere) to get the official seal that authenticates the authentication (for lack of a better description!)

If there are no glitches or confusion, by 1pm tomorrow, I will hold in my hands --finally -- all my official paperwork. I will inwardly cheer at my amazing work these past many months and outwardly hoot and holler. I will go home to photograph this beautiful paperwork to record for all eternity. I will then make sure I have my computer generated "photo-album" all properly arranged and ready to rock and roll as part of the dossier.

Most likely, just to be sure I dotted all my i's and crossed my t's, I will FedEX the dossier on Tuesday. It will be prayed over, kissed, coddled and nudged along to it's first stop on the journey -- With Hope and Love Adoption Agency. Once approved there, it will be sent to Kazakhstan for Legal Review and Translation. And other stops along the way that will eventually unite us with a little boy. And, I will breathe a huge sigh of relief and pray for all that is meant to be.

Steph

PS It is now 12:30 am, one hour from when I wrote the above. I have to cancel with my father and not go tomorrow. Two documents that were signed by my accountant in Manhattan who lives in New Jersey were just discovered by me upon closer inspection to have been notarized by a notary certified on Long Island. Which means that tomorrow I must drive one hour away to the Nassau County Clerk and authenticate 4 documents before I do anything. Additionally, I was tooling around in the King's County Clerk web site, a site I've looked at before to get details, and now I notice it states that all notary stamps MUST say Kings County on it for them to authenticate. Well, though I am located in Kings County and got over 50 documents notarized by a local notary public who verbally told me that she is qualified in Kings County, not one stamp says Kings County on it. I actually asked her why her stamp looks different than most and she said it wasn't a problem at all, that the stamp she had was all that was needed. But she is a new notary ... is this correct? Will her name and number be enough to prove her qualification in Kings County or do I need to have everything restamped? Not earth shattering, but another hassle. The fact that I now have to drive to Long Island tomorrow gives me a day to figure this out. I thought everything was squared away and ready to go. I wrongly assumed that tomorrow I'd be authenticating the accountant's documents in Manhattan where he notarized it. I was remiss in realizing that the notary he used was from another county. All this is so new to me. How do you know what you don't even know you are supposed to know? I'm just so tired and frustrated. I wish I had Gary to discuss this with and have him really understand my level of frustration. He has not been part of the paperwork process and will likely be level headed with me and removed, when all I want right now is for someone to say "That sucks! You need a big hug and someone to sit with you and go over everything with. I can see how all these documents, dates, stamps, seals, originals, duplicates and copies are so very confusing. You are not alone. Here, Steph, sit back and let me handle this all for you. It will all get done. Don't you worry."

Gotta get to bed before I flip out.

1 am -- Thirty minutes after I cried a bucket, I am feeling better. Gotta get some sleep. I can do this. One day, when I have three teenagers begging for later curfews, I will look back on this slight upset with a smile and a snicker. This, I know, is the easy stuff.

Surreal

It's been almost ten months of working towards this moment, one I sometimes thought might never come. Tomorrow, I gather our papers and head to the local notary. Next week, we apostille and then ... with a kiss and a prayer, I send my legal documents off into the world. It will all be out of my hands then and I will wait ... and I know the waiting will be swift, as time seems to travel so quickly these days.

Where does the time go? In one month, Emma will turn 7. When she hugs me, her body is strong, thick, all angles and hard muscle. Today we were play fighting on the floor and she pushed me over with not too much of a struggle, and I felt the body of a teenager to come. When did Emma come to inhabit this new body? Where did her little round face go, her curly hair that was gone with just one quarter inch trim during one salon visit when she was just four?

Eden is still so soft and mushy, and soon that too will go. How can you hold on to that? Best way I know is to be present to my moments, to take lots of photos and to write, write, write. I write to remember. I write to be remembered too.

Goodnight all!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all my friends -- moms and moms yet to be and moms at heart, and those who know and have known the love of a mother! I usually don't put much value on Hallmark inspired holidays but this Mother's Day was relaxing and special. My daughters were so excited over the course of the week to bestow upon me a deluge of handcrafted doodads that symbolized their love. I now understand why my mother saved so many of the cards I made for her over the years. These handcrafted sentiments, painstakingly thought about and written and colored, did really make me feel loved by my two precious daughters. I am very lucky to be their mom. I took the day slowly, no rushing, and enjoyed spending it with Gary's family. It did not go unnoticed by me that next year, G-d willing, in the very same restaurant we enjoyed today or one very similar to it, I will be sitting next to a dark haired (or blond, who knows?) little boy in a booster seat breaking up bits of chicken and soft veggies for him to enjoy.

In the car ride out to New Jersey, I began a conversation with the whole family about the possibility of a brother. Though I haven't announced to the girls yet, we certainly do have open dialog about adoption and possibilities. They believe it is a decision still to be made and I discuss it as if they and their values are all part of the process of building our family. The girls talk about the idea of it with me but they never (ever!) bring it up to Gary. I think they know he's still hanging onto that middle area of the fence, not sure which way he teeters. With me, it's a safe conversation. Emma and Eden are both remarkable with babies about one year old. They assured Gary they would love a brother as much as they love Tyler and Henry and I know that Gary would do anything to make them happy. And it appeared he did like to hear how much they desire this new member of our family. He obviously was ready for adoption in the way that we have proceeded as far as we have. But, and I can understand this, it's still so mind boggling to him for us to have taken this amazing leap of faith to build our family in this way!

In the restaurant, no one brought up the adoption to me even though in my own head, I was surely thinking about it. It's been 10 months since we first announced that we were sending in our initial application, and just a few weeks after that was the last time anyone asked me how it's going. I suspect our dedication to this is questioned. When our dossier is fully complete (in two weeks or so) we will make an official and joyous announcement. For now, however, I enjoyed a beautiful holiday with my family. Enjoying my cup of coffee, with my celebratory waitress given rose on my lap ;-), I said a private little prayer in my heart for our baby boy across the ocean who has yet to know how hard we are working to bring him home.

I want to say a special thank you to my mother for being the kind of mother she is. I am continually surprised by people in my life who are themselves surprised by how much I enjoy my mother's company. I think I got very lucky as my mother is someone with whom I would choose as a friend, had I met her in the street or at a mom's group, were we peers back in the day. But I am lucky to be much closer than that to my mother, as the love we share and the closeness and familiarity is one I value as one of the greatest blessings of my life. And it is what I strive to carry on with my own daughters ... and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it. Mom, thank you for being such a special person in my life -- for all that you taught me about mothering, unconditional love and support and about being a friend. You are a spectacular woman!

Blessings to all the moms and children out there today! And a very special Mother's Day wish to Lea and Dylan, home together at last!

Steph

Eden as Little Orphan Annie

The little ladies and I have been listening to Broadway's Original Annie soundtrack, gearing up for a local production heading our way on May 17. It will be Eden's first "bigger girl" show -- we'll see how she does as I look forward to soon taking her to her first Broadway show. I think 5 is probably a good age for that. The shows are so lengthy -- not to mention, costly. You gotta really make sure it's the right time. I was 8 when I saw my first Broadway show -- in fact, it was Annie and I remember being mesmerized. We've been listening to the soundtrack a lot and lately "Tomorrow" is Eden's most requested bedtime song. Even as I belt and strain towards the high notes (a singer, I am not), she tells me "Mommy, you are such a good singer!" Wow, unconditional love at its' best.
Here is Eden singing a bit from Annie with all the fervor and passion of a 4 year old.

Please pause my playlist at the bottom of the blog page before playing. Enjoy!

so close, so close!!

With extreme caution, I just opened up a manila envelope delivered on this rainy New York day from the US Department of Justice Federal Bureau of Investigation in Clarksburg, WV. My fingerprints were finally approved!!! However, no sign of Gary's, which is unusual as each time our prints were rejected (or approved the one time (before they expired), the envelopes (separate for each of us) always arrived on the same day. I'll see what the next day or two brings, hopefully happy news so that we can proceed. Still a few steps to go until the dossier is complete, but soo sooo sooo close, I can already taste the horse meat.

PS Just spoke to FBI Customer Service in West Virginia. Gary's prints were indeed PROCESSED. They were sent out 3 days after my envelope, so they are coming with positive results!!

PPS About an hour after I found out that Gary's mailing was a few days behind mine, I left my house to see more mail stuffed into my mailbox. It was a manilla envelope, soaking wet as if it had been dropped on the ground on this rainy day and found by someone perhaps. Mail does not come twice a day to my house. Well, as hoped, it was Gary's approved FBI records! We are set to go!

Now, it's time to complete all my third party "to-dos" which include finalizing Bank statements, letter from accountant re: finances and mortgage and getting our medical forms signed. I will soon be at the stage where I am looking at my stack of legal paperwork before me. This labor of love. Simply papers ... or are they? I believe these papers and my collection of them over these long months will stand for dedication, perseverence, unwavering FAITH, conviction, stick-to-itiveness. Inches thick, this stack of papers stands for a new family ready to be born.

Eden turns 4!

On April 28th, my Eden celebrated her 4th birthday. In fact, it was three days of parties that heralded her arrival at this much anticipated new year.

Happy birthday, dear sweet Eden -- my little girl who still loves Elmo and Mickey and Dora, who loves to help with laundry and the dishwasher, who loves birdhouses, who still has baby fat that I love to squeeze, who nurtures her many many babies, who loves Big Sister Emma, who wears pajamas to school because nothing fits and who loves her Mama even though she's already told me that she'd rather live with Grandma but I can call her on the phone when I miss her. Here are a few images of the day.