Catch Up Time

It's been a while since I have posted. Where to begin. I have been a bit upset about a timing snafu that has occurred very early in my adoption paperwork process. Just as I have heard over and over again -- Expect the unexpected. In between feeling really bad about my mess up, I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that the timing is going to work out exactly as it needs to to get our son home.

So ... what happened is the following. If you refer to my timeline, I believed I was handing in final documents to my Home Study Agency in the first few days of October. After crossing all my Ts and dotting my Is and being so diligent in other areas of this process, I'm not quite sure what made me think that the Child Abuse Clearance and the New York State Criminal Record Fingerprints were some of the *last* paperwork required. Perhaps I confused this with something else or just wasn't thinking it through? After all, I have already admitted to being someone who sends her daughter to school in regular clothing on Pajama Day and sends the other daughter on the same day to school in Orange, when it was Red Day, so of course confusion is not unheard of in my world. Anyhoo, it was only once I sent everything in, thinking that the procedures for these items would take just days and then my HomeStudy would be complete and FINAL, leading me on to all the subsequent steps, that I find out that these clearances are a 4-6 week process. The realization of my faux-pas floored me. How could I have been so foggy headed? After all my lengthy decision making, I had never intended to delay our journey any longer. But it was no longer up to me. I tried to just go with the flow. And wait the 4-6 weeks. What was so bothersome is that the homestudy report was actually done and our Social Worker was just waiting for these clearances to come back from the Home Study Agency. Once the clearances came through, I could then complete my I600A application by sending in a final homestudy report. This in turn, would lead me to the I171. Everything leads to the next, a rolling snowball gaining momentum and leading us closer to complete our family. And lo and behold, I just stalled myself by 4-6 weeks. OY VEY!

To compound things, for the past three weeks, I could not get a hold of my HomeStudy Agency (different from our Social Worker). I know she works another job as well so there was the reality of timing. I could never seem to catch her. But a phone call back to just touch base, that "Yes, I got your paperwork and it's still in process," would have eased my worried heart. Today, I finally got that return call, and was told that, not only have our clearances taken way longer than is usual, but both my and my husband's fingerprints have been rejected due to smudging. Four weeks of waiting through this process just to be told that our prints are unacceptable was Murphy's Law (though I know this is not uncommon at all.) However, tomorrow I am expecting another call back from the agency telling me if our duplicate set of prints (after all, we each did two sets just in case something like this happened) has been approved. If by some chance it has not, then we'll be mailed other Fingerprint cards to RE-DO immediately, and the agnecy will expedite them through the process.

I was hoping to travel over the summer to make it easy for my husband and my children's work and school schedules. But again, I must relinquish all of those wishes, because I know that this timeline is not my own. It's a time in my life that, although I'm disappointed, I have to realize that It is What It is. I took my time getting the process rolling to begin with with a very lengthy Decision Making Mode. Now being ready, I can't expect it all to go flawlessly. I do hope, however, that the important stuff in regards to our child is smooth as butta.

Furthermore, Gary is not really part of this dossier/homestudy collection. Now yes, he goes with me to fingerprint appointments and doctor visits, but he's just following my lead. If I tried to explain what happened with the fingerprints, I'd have to make it in very clear terms. Simply, we might just have to do this again. He has not felt the effects of the four weeks of waiting, so it's not the same for him. I have to get used to waiting, as once the Dossier is in, I almost have to just live my life and let it go. It will pass through the process at the timing it was supposed to.

So that was my Snafu and Upset this past month. Hopefully, it will all be worked out perfectly for us to unite with Baby Boy at the right time.

On other lovely news, we had a great visit with Carolyn and Henry a few weeks back on October 18th. What special friends we have in them. The joy it brings me to see Emma and Eden play with Henry is just great. I continue to be amazed at my childrens' openness to others, their desire to love another baby and have one join our family. They surprise me each time, even though by now I should know to expect it.

Here is a photo that Carolyn took of our kids in May 2008 and the same shot just a few months later in October 2008. Click on the image to enlarge and see what a few months can do. I look forward to these photos throughout the coming years!





And here are a couple of photos of the girls, taken by Carolyn. Emma and Eden are sporting a couple of the embellished hair clips I have been making as practice for my future fundraising endeavor: Clips for Kaz! (stay tuned ...)



Today, my friend Oriana and her two sons came over. Frankie is one of Eden's best friends. They now live in NJ so it was really great to have them visit. Her new baby is just 6 months old. Once again, how Emma and Eden both were with this little boy was remarkable. I complimented Emma at the end of the evening about how great she was with all of the little kids and even the baby. She was very proud of herself and said "Does that mean I get to have a little brother?"


Emma kept the 3 year olds very busy playing school and cutting out fruits and veggies and these crowns announcing it was Fruit and Vegetable Day. Even she must have felt the effects of too much Halloween candy.


Here are just a couple of photos of Emma passionately explaining something to me. Though right now, I can't remember what she was explaining. Nevertheless, I sure love her bright contagious enthusiasm. May she always be so passionate and excited about her ideas!



In regards to baby brothers, the kids still don't know this is official. I think the wait would be unbearable and possibly, more so, incomprehensible. So I at least must wait until the Dossier is complete. These delays and snafus would be too confusing for them. One day, when they are older, they will read this journal and will be old enough to follow the journey to their little brother in earnest. I may be terrible at putting photo albums together (I'm not sure Eden even has one album!) but I thankfully, have always been a writer, a recorder of things and events. I know I'm too hard on myself about a million things lately (what's up with that? ;-), and lack of photo albums being one of them. But with the dawn of a new era here, I think it's high time I spent just 20 minutes a day towards the accomplishment of this seemingly inconsequential, but yet so meaningful, goal. I will no longer be satisfied showing the kids a photo on the computer. No longer be satisfied telling Emma just to look at a photo for a minute so that I can put it back in the right photo pile so that they remain in order for the day I will one day make the albums. This is the bain of my existence, when I'm not thinking of real important matters, of course! In one year from now, I do not want to be talking about this. And I am hopeful I won't.

That being said, there are actually a few topics I don't want to be talking about in a year ;-) I know I'm busy with the day to day of my life with two children and Gary's very long hours, but I really want to remember to focus on stuff that is meaningful to me in a different kind of way. My photography, my writing, my exercise goals -- the stuff that,aside from being a mom, makes me me. I am a huge idea person -- I love the adrenaline rush of a fresh idea, a plan, a lightbulb moment, a burst of inspiration. But, a known fact, I just have always been challenged with seeing things through to completion. So although I adore my ideas, the satisfaction of completion is not often there for me. In many things, yes, but certainly not in all that I do. I am vowing now outloud that things are going to change. Goals will be met in 2009. Small, attainable. I want to trust myself. Yes, I can! ;-)

Watching a bit of the NYC Marathon on TV the other day, my eyes filled with tears. How beautiful to see these runners! Not the running in and of itself, but the fact that these people trained, committed and dedicated themselves to something far greater than many of them perhaps ever thought they'd achieve. I may never run a full marathon, but I just spoke to my friend Alissa and we are going to commit to finding a worthy cause and running a 5K this spring. Something small, something attainable, but nonetheless, a goal reached. Compound this with last night's history making election results, I have to realize that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE if I set my mind to it.

In other news ... Ah, Halloween -- not exactly a Jewish holiday, but a tradition we do participate in here in lovely Brooklyn, NY. I can not imagine a more fantastic place to Trick or Treat than my own idyllic neighborhood. Just a few blocks over from where I live, houses are semi-attached and super close together, and just a few steps lead up to the front door. Easy as pie to walk just a few blocks and come home with several pounds of candy. Unneccessary, but certainly fun for all involved. Eden, at one point, had enough with going door to door. She was content to suck on a huge lollipop and happily call it a day. Some streets have over 60 homes on them. In this area, the Halloween atmosphere is more Carnival and Block Party than I would think might be typical. The streets are literally teeming with HUNDREDS of children and families all in full holiday gear. The weather was perfect. People milling the streets, home owners giving out candy, drinking wine, laughing with neighbors, all the school kids recognizing each other ... or not. It is remarkable and lovely to feel a part of this. And once again, when we do find ourselves in a suburb of NYC eventually, this Brooklyn feel that I love so much, will be an aspect especially missed. Can't find parking when you run errands, but you gotta love a 'hood with spirit.

Eden, Emma, Tyler and Kaitlyn (Eden's Best Friend)


Eden and Kaitlyn


Emma and her good buddy, David, and his sister Kayla


Emma and her twin friends


A Neighborhood Dog with Halloween Spirit! Yet at the same time, quite sophisticated.


And finally ... in my quest for more organization (I have recently added a large and lovely wall calendar in my kitchen that keeps me on my toes), I have followed the footsteps of an inspiring mom I recently met who has alarm clocks for her kids. So I went out yesterday to BJ's to buy alarm clocks. It has made Emma and Eden feel so special to know the exact time, to be in charge of their own wake-up. Equipped with a CD player too, Emma woke up to Rihanna's Disturbia today (she loves that kind of music) and Eden woke up to a more demure Laurie Berkner. Their clothing was laid out the night before, and this morning, both girls dressed themselves, washed their faces and brushed their teeth, before I had yet to say Good Morning to them. Slowly but surely all my systems will be in place, getting me ready for all 5 of us!

And now, I bid you goodnight.

Just What I Needed To Read

Being an adoptive mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her arms making her a mother. The adoptive family came to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. This bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, like the child did within his first mother’s womb. Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss, and memory made they became a family. Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.Adoptive mothers know that she’s a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart. She gives love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk about the day he was born and of his first parents.Adoptive mothers are embracers, not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child’s heritage and history. She embraces the facts of
her child’s past with strength for herself and the child.She’s not only a memory maker planning family vacations, activities, and birthday parties, but also a memory keeper. Details of a birth, photos of the hospital, and of the parents who brought her into the world are kept along side the newspaper clipping that announced it all. All these things are kept in a special book that tells the whole story.She’s a tier of shoelaces and of hearts. She weaves lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly, colored threads showcasing their individualities and family origins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound, deep loss left by adoption. She allows the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mourning of the mom not there. She is secure in knowing that she’s not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.This role is not for the weak of spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling him her own, but this is what she does, it is her calling. She is a mother.

-unknown

One Year

Today I spoke with Carolyn about her One Year Anniversary of meeting Henry coming up in a few days. And just now, as I'm about to go to sleep for the night, I realize that October 19, which it technically is now as it's after midnight, is the day I first began my blog. One year of laying my thoughts out on the line in hopes that my prayers over what to do would be answered. Back then, I wondered if we would add to our family at all, and would adoption be in our future. Back then, this blog was called Deciding to Adopt. And now, 365 days later, with my dossier in process, I see what a year can do. In one year, I see the love of Henry and Carolyn, the amazing strides he's taken, the family they have become. In one year, I see that we, too, are finally on our way.

Night Terror?

Last night, the strangest thing happened. Eden, who has never done this before in this manner, woke up screaming at about 11:30pm. She was inconsolable when I went into her room. She shrieked when I touched her, kicked at me, yelled at me to alternatively come to her and then get away. I told her "Eden, it's Mommy! Mommy's here!", thinking she was just still in her dream. I patted her face. I brought her to the bathroom thinking she had to go. She was screaming still, was not answering my questions of whether or not she was ill or in pain. I tried to do a holding technique to calm her but I was holding a wild animal. I just laid with her in her bed then,thinking I'll just be with her through this. I was wondering if this might be how it feels to be home with a child who might be grieving and missing his home. But, as if she didn't know me at all, she wanted nothing to do with me and bucked uncontrollably until I got up from her bed. I called Gary to come home as he was still at his office (Friday nights are super late nights due to weekend events.) Gary came home and it was still the same, though slightly better. Finally, he brought her downstairs to give her a drink thinking something in her belly would change the pattern. At last, he put her in front of the TV to watch cartoons at about 1am where from a distance, I watched her watching the TV like a zombie, until her eyes fluttered closed and she slept. This morning she woke up completely normally -- her happy smiley and lovable mushy self.

Progress

I had the chance to read our Home Study draft tonight. WOW!! Now we're talkin'!

October Thoughts

Yesterday I had a great opportunity to take a ride with Gary for a whole day to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz, NY. It's a beautiful old castle smack dab in the middle of abundant nature and if you are nearby or semi-nearby, I recommend you take a visit. (www.mohonk.com) It was a great reminder once again that this Brooklyn girl needs more of those kinds of days -- beautiful vistas, cliffs, deer trampling past, gravel roads, October sun, brisk air, outdoor BBQ over looking the lake, impromptu tennis games, laughter, great conversation with my dear husband.

During the two hour ride to and from, during our beautiful and relaxing lunch overlooking the lake and during our 75 minute hike, Gary and I had uninterrupted talk. Or just comfortable silence. Emma and Eden were well taken care of by Grandma and Grandpa, and I ... well, I felt like I was on a great long lasting outdoorsy fun date with my husband. We both had fun.

It also gave me the chance to pepper him with questions and run through some thoughts about Baby too. I asked Gary if he can picture a child in his mind (a heart picture, I think I am reading about?) and Gary said No. In all honesty, Gary really can't visualize anything. It's a strange phenomenon. But when I told Gary that most likely Baby is already born, he said he felt a sense of sadness. Sadness for our child alone without us, not sadness for the adventure to come.

Which brings me to my next thoughts. After all my time spent in Decision Making Mode, I have never felt so connected or sure that this is absolutely the path we are taking. But lest anyone thing that I don't sometimes still feel an overwhelming sense of panic of the unknown, I'd like to be honest here. I do sometimes still feel Cold Fear wrap its' long fingers around my heart. But I also think it's natural and so my current motto is -- Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway! My love and care towards this unknown child does outweigh any of my fears and worry and that is a testament to the internal journey I have traveled. And that is why we are in the position we are -- Dossier Collection and Getting This Show on the Road! And when I try to envision this child in our lives, I talk to him in my mind and I say "You? I was afraid of you? No, baby, I was just afraid of new experiences, but never ever you."

I do sometimes think I'm dreaming. When I read back in my blog, which I've been writing for almost one year now, I think how did I get here? Is it really one year later since I first began my journal, wondering where this would lead me? All my steps, and even my missteps, have led me here. Exactly where I need to be.

I am reading Patty Cogan's book "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" -- and as informative as it is which is just wonderful, I can't say it isn't sometimes the cause of my moments of concern. When I read all that these children have endured before we arrive, I realize that there might be lots to work through. And that is okay. Of course there might be things to work through. How much they have endured to have been without us for so long. These children deserve a chance. Our son deserves a chance.

We are adding to our family by the decision to adopt. Some say, by choice. A decision to add to what some say was already a Full Sized Family. "Complete." I never felt incomplete -- But in my heart, I always knew there was room for someone else. It is our love for our girls that makes me and Gary passionate about adding to our family. We know what is at stake. We know what is to be gained.

And the fact that I'm going for it? That I have kept on persevering through the whole Decision Making, the Research, the Thinking ... me? A person who can't stick to an exercise regimen, who has more unfinished projects on her plate than finished, who is a huge IDEA PERSON but who struggles to pick the ones to see to fruition. This person is still going strong after about 18 months since the seed was first planted. This is something I'm not letting go of. This child is someone I'm not letting go of. I pray that Our Journey to 5 will be one of the first of many beautiful journeys we take together -- and that the ripple effects for all five of us just keep going and going and going.

The Little Mermaid Update

If the fact that it was requested that I play her favorite song on the Broadway soundtrack (Track 10 -- She's In Love) over and over again for 64 minutes straight during a car ride the other day is any indication of Emma's love of the show, then she absolutely did love The Little Mermaid.

She loved the show -- she was mesmerized by the stage effects, the costumes (the mermaids wore heelies!), enamored with the little boy who played Flounder (who appeared to be about 10 years old.) She had lots of questions about how the stage sets moved, about the mermaids who were so heavily made up they actually looked like men (in drag), about Ariel's hair and was it real or a wig.

Just as I imagined I would, when the opening notes from the orchestra started up, I had to bite my lower lip to keep from crying. I love live orchestra music on it's own, and because I knew this was a special day, it was made that much more powerful. Was I the only one of my unit who felt such power? Likely. Perhaps one day when Emma takes her own daughter to her first Broadway show, she'll know how I felt on that day, how excited I was to be opening up for her her own "whole new world."

But, as with all things, there were some negatives too. Loud, booming thundering sounds and heavy applause were overwhelming to her sensitive ears during the show and made her cry and bury her head a few times. I should have thought to bring her ear plugs. Additionally, she must have felt like this was being at the movies because she was very concerned about snacks and was awfully loud with the crinkling when I finally acquiesced. Ten minutes after her first snack, she asked when dinner was (This was only one hour into the 3 hour show and only 3:18pm.) A friend of hers next to her was whispering in her ear and poked her too much and so in the middle of the show, I had to get up and sit between them.

Was it a bit long for a six year old? Possibly. But then again, maybe just for my own 6 year old. Did she get enough sleep the night before? Maybe not. Maybe next time we'll just go the two of us for a better Mommy-Daughter Day experience. Would I pay $120 per ticket again for her any time soon? Likely not. We'll wait in line at the TKTS booth next time for half price tickets. But of course, for her first show, I wanted a guaranteed good seat. We sat in the 4th row, although I was in the right-most seat and it wasn't as good as center. I saw all the stage hands hanging out on the side of the stage at my angle, and I was distracted just a bit. Plus sound isn't perfect when you are all the way over, no matter how close you are. Interestingly, I met "Ariel's" dad a few rows over from us. What a proud daddy -- I looked over at him in the middle of the show and he was singing all the words of her song!

I personally thought the show was just lovely. I am usually a realist and like shows that seem feasible -- but I focused on the love story aspect, and was dazzled by the stage sets, and I was very happy and mesmerized myself for those three hours. All in all, I definitely have a daughter who will be my theater partner for life.

But maybe I'll wait until she's 8 to go again.