Happy New Year!

Tonight starts the Jewish New Year and I feel excited for a new beginning. I had dinner with our friends (I prefer to call them our family) and felt so blessed and comforted to be in the presence of these people. More than riches, I feel that the luxurious parts of my life are in the people we surround ourselves with. We are surrounded by support, by loving people, true blue friends. And I think of all the ways in which our child will benefit from this upbringing -- not just the beauty of living in America and all that that affords, but of growing up in a world where the lines between my friends and family are blurred. Where family seems to extend so far because of how we feel about each other. What greater gift can I give to our children than that?

I found these photos on Journey Home Adoption's web site that fill me with a sadness. These children are without such families, such fans in their life, people who can lift them up wholeheartedly. No one to call Mommy. I feel like what we can do is not large enough, not great enough. I remind myself of the starfish story I recounted long ago about how what you do matters to "this one." And that one will be our child.





I sent my final home study piece in today to our social worker. I don't really have too many things left to do, but yet many pieces of the puzzle have put me in a waiting mode and a juggling act of taking steps so that all the dates on our paperwork match up. We're farther along than I thought when I think about it. I'm hoping by Dec. 1st, our dossier will be complete and entire.

I forgive myself for having my head in the clouds today -- for sending Emma to school without pajamas on a school wide Pajama Day (and for not hearing my phone ring when her teacher called to remind me at 10am and to suggest I bring the PJs) and for sending Eden to school wearing Orange even though it was Red day. Trust me, I felt like winning "worst mother of the year award" when Emma came out of school so forlornly and I noticed all her friends in soft colorful sleep attire. Oh My God!! Was I just punked? My daughter claims she was the ONLY one in school not in PJs. Can that be true? Does this seem like it should be on a sit-com? Such a silly topic but it meant Emma felt left out. She didn't deserve that. Thankfully Eden is so young and didn't realize, but her teachers were kind enough to stick a red feather in her ponytail. Surely there are more important concerns in our world right now, but I realized how on top of things I need to be, how much I have to focus on so that my kids can fully participate in their day with happiness and high self-esteem. What am I going to get this week? A HUGE CALENDAR FOR OUR KITCHEN WALL! Everything will be marked down. Super Mom will reign again!

Steph

How To Eat an Elephant

A long time ago, the Home Study loomed large ahead of me. Last night, with the completion of our doctor visit to get physical exams, I came home to make yet another check mark on my "List of Stuff We Need for Our Home Study" list. Only to see that -- Oh my G-d! That was the final big piece of the puzzle. Gary and I finalized the Guardian and financial forms tonight -- We'll pick up our medical forms from the doctor on Thursday and the Homestudy will have been officially completed from our end. FBI clearances are still under way, etc. But the last of the puzzle and what we personally have to do for this particular portion, will all be over by .... let's say, Friday morning, when I get the packet in the mail to send out to our Social Worker.

I haven't been speedy in this -- my timing faltered at times when the tactical aspects of dossier collection and the emotional aspects of adding a child to our lives had me step back just a bit. Not to falter in my desire, but just in terms of taking a breath and then forging on ahead. I remind myself that the timing is all as it should be and then I don't feel bad anymore.

I feel confident that the dossier collection will continue to go smoothly. I really have no idea how the timing will fall out, but in my mind, I'm hoping that Summer 2009 is the Summer of The Karps in Kaz. And if it's another time for us to unite with our child, then so be it.

Tomorrow, I take Emma out of school a bit early to take her to her first Broadway show -- The Little Mermaid. I remember at age 8 seeing my own first Broadway production -- Annie. I can still see it now in my mind -- and it filled me with a love of theater that hasn't left. I am very excited for Emma tonight -- though I know she doesn't grasp just yet the beauty of sitting 4 rows from the stage to see such a production. She says "Mom, what's the big deal? I've seen shows before." Oh,but she has no idea what is in store -- how to compare a $10 ticket at local theaters to the $120 seat that tomorrow will be? I hope the music swells her heart and fills her with a love of theater that will never leave her. Especially since Gary hates Broadway shows -- and I'd love to have another theater partner one day! ;-)

I'm Only Human

Last night my kids drove me nuts -- backtalking, disobeying requests for cooperation and then, ultimately, time outs. They remained unfazed. In the end, they were yelling to each other from their rooms during what wound up being a 90 minute bedtime fiasco. It went on and on. I was ready to lose my mind. When my Super Nanny techniques proved futile and my own exhaustion reigned, I did what any other mother might do if they were less than perfect. I shouted -- good and loud! Did my neighbors hear me??!! Did any china break in neighboring homes? Did even your mirror crack?

I am not proud.

And of course those efforts didn't work. Everything escalated. We fed off each other. I removed myself from the situation and went downstairs -- shouting (a somewhat kind word for the actual vociferation that was directed at my all too sassy 6 year old) had gotten me nowhere. It was evident that I needed a breather before I spontaneously imploded and splattered my brains on the walls. And then, with a click of the key in the door, Daddy finally came home. Whew! And, with the kind of magic that only a calm, sane person can bring to the mix, peace was restored once again in our home.

So what happened?

Was it my children or me? And what really came first, the chicken or the egg? Certainly, I was not perfect, but Emma's being "fresh" and backtalking was not to be tolerated either. I'll be honest. I can see it so clearly now -- I allowed a playdate with Emma to go on way after dinner (with a boy she adores -- it had been months since she saw him. I have alluded to playdates being sparse. My dear Emma was so happy and I let her happiness in that moment extend the playdate.) Both my kids had late dinners and desserts and even later bed times -- all this after a full day of school for both. I tried to cut corners last night with no bedtime books (a regular part of our routine) and also no bath (which definitely would have calmed them sooner.) I expected them to go to bed on a dime. After all, it was late and shouldn't they be so tired they fall asleep like little angels? Not a chance. I was annoyed -- at them? At me? Last night, I assumed I was annoyed with their escalating poor behavior. Today, I realize so clearly, the common denominator was ME and a very loose routine or lack thereof.

Today, both kids enjoyed some playtime at the park after school, were fed by 6 pm(homemade chicken soup which I was able to begin when both kids were in school.) They did not have any sugar after dinner. By 7, they were both bathed. I told them what kind of behavior was EXPECTED of them tonight and of myself. They were in bed by 7:15, read to and asleep by 7:30and 8pm respectively.

I can say it was my kids who drove me crazy last night -- but what really happened was that I hoped they'd be able to handle us going out of the routine a little. It worked during the summer some days when slow lazy evenings kept us out chatting with the neighbors late on a summer night, and no one had mandatory school in the mornings. But this just doesn't work for us in a regular way. How can I blame my kids, when it really was me?

With Gary working until at least 10pm six nights a week for the past month, the evening routine can be exhausting and monotonous. I can barely keep my eyes open while I'm in bed reading to them (or in Emma's case, being read to.) My eyes close and sleep comes so fast I have what seems like 50 dreams in 20 seconds. You know that kind of dead tired? And even though it was hard to stick to the schedule tonight, by doing so, it meant that by 8pm, I had a night ahead of me.

Last night, the shameful thought of "Have I bitten off more than I can chew with Baby Boy coming to us this year?" jabbed a pointy knife into my heart and twisted. It made me feel "less than." Am I worthy enough for this important job? Is my love and desire to love this child enough on the days when I may not be at my very best? Is sometimes being a "good enough" mom good enough?

Tonight I thought -- packing up my leftover homemade soup this evening, running the dishwasher, and a load of laundry in the dryer while my peaceful girls were snoring soundly by 8:05pm, and knowing Gary's late nights are temporary -- "I am supermom! Bring it on!"

Life is full of ups and downs. I definitely know that when I know better, I do better. I also have to keep in mind ROUTINES! ROUTINES! ROUTINES! I may falter but I'm always striving to do better -- always a work in progress.

Anyone else ever feel this way? Any sage advice? Any tips from those with 3 or more children? How do you do it? Am I being too honest here? Thanks all!

Steph

PS On a note to move us forward positively, I received notice in the mail today that our I-600 check was cashed and our paperwork is filed. A fingerprint appointment will be sent to me when our completed homestudy is sent to complete our I-600 application. We are almost done with just a few small elements -- hopefully this week our social worker will have all the pieces to the puzzle.

Our Gifts

Last night, I went to see Celine Dion perform live at Madison Square Garden. I was looking forward to seeing her -- I do enjoy her music. In fact, her song Taking Chances is on this blog playlist and has remained an inspiration for me in our adoption journey. It wasn't so much that I *saw* her, but rather experienced her. Now some people may think she can be corny and too theatrical -- perhaps. She certainly does do very unique hand gestures and facial expressions when she sings that sometimes took me out of the mood and made me laugh out loud. But the voice, the power, the passion -- remarkable! Otherwordly! When she hit those high notes, and you couldn't believe that sound was coming from a human and not an angel, it was unreal. As I'm watching, I started to have these thoughts that made me a little sad, until I had to flip it around. Celine's talent, combined with a passion in which it looks like she is having an out of body experience, is mind blowing. I was so envious to have such a talent and passion. What is my gift?

Do we all have to be great in something that thousands of people fill a stadium to see you? Certainly, there are leaders and followers, performers and spectators. It's what makes the world go round. Only a small percentage of people have a talent the likes of Celine Dion or Andrea Bocelli or Mozart or Beethoven, or Ansel Adams or Meryl Streep. What am I good at? A talent, I know, is different than a skill. I happen to be an excellent typist and do enjoy doing it. But yet, certainly, I wouldn't call it a talent or purpose.

I want to lay a wonderful path for my children and I also don't want to lose myself in the process. This has been something I have been thinking about since Emma came into my life. I have noticed that some moms don't think about this at all either. But maybe it is because, in this chapter of my life, I have had the privilege of not having to go back to working in Manhattan where I used to get home at 11pm some nights. The downside is that my husband is working 6 days a week, but we've made this work for us for now, knowing his work schedule is absolutely not forever.

I think I have done a fairly good job so far with filling my own cup outside of motherhood -- with classes I have taken, some freelance work I have done, writing workshops, photography jobs, my American Sign Language workshops and volunteering, tennis, friendships. Motherhood is so important to me, and yet I am also someone who desires more too. Can we have it all? Perhaps not all at once, but certainly in different chapters of our lives. I know this is my chapter to be a mom to young children. What exciting opportunities are around my corner? What will I make of my life? Will my children be proud of and inspired by me?

A long time ago, adoption seemed like a "wildly improbable dream." And I'm making it happen. There have been other dreams I accomplished in my life time too -- work related, and not. I honestly no longer doubt there is more to come. I know I will continue to surprise myself. That is a guarantee.

I may not have a good singing voice, I can't dance, I am a pretty good photographer still learning, a fairly good writer. But what ways will I leave my mark? How can I touch people the way I was touched last night? By sheer talent alone, no. But the talent combined with a PASSION, a purpose. I was inspired and beaten down all at the same time. The concert was provoking for me. How can I best live my life with purpose and passion? How can I instill this early on in my children -- the ability to find their purpose and hold on tight.

I read somewhere that Deepak Chopra never told his kids to study in school, instead he simply told them to work very hard at finding their purpose. As a results, his kids wound up going to Ivy League schools anyway and did in fact discover their passions. Of course, their dad is a great role model and, in that household, finding your purpose was a natural. So much more than the search for a job, that I remember was tantamount after college. And disappointing and unfulfilling at the time. What was I meant to do even then? Did my life follow the path that it was meant to take or did I make my own mark?

Benjamin Disraeli says "Most people go to their grave with their music still inside them." I don't want to die with my music still inside me. How can I best live my life with purpose? What is my role here? What is my "music?" I hope I never stop searching, that is for sure. Do you know what your music is? Living a life with purpose and passion is probably one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. For them, and for myself, I search.

Just a little food for thought on this Wednesday evening ;-)

Prayer

I am not a prayerful person in the way that others might be, but the following thoughts in the form of a prayer to G-d seem to keep pushing themselves through the corners of my mind almost every day.

G-d, please keep our child safe and healthy. Please keep him happy and well cared for while he waits. Please help our child to recognize when he meets us that we are his forever family; please let us recognize, even if things don't look so familiar at the onset, that he is our son. Please let love reign over all else. Please allow us to keep an open mind. Please allow this little Karp baby to make himself known. Please overflow our hearts with love and guidance and compassion. Please provide us with the right resources when he comes home. I pray that our paperwork journey, and then the physical journey to meet him, continues to go smoothly. Please help us work out the travel logistics in our mind and keep in mind the health and safety of Emma and Eden. G-d, please let it one day become even clearer to us and those who love us that this was the perfect way to add to our family. That the path of my life was set before I even knew it. Please grant me the strength, organization, support, resources, patience, good humor, flexibility, abundance of love and nurturing to nourish, emotionally and physically, our growing family. Please allow Gary to have a beautiful father/son relationship since his own was taken from him at too young of an age, and we know how wonderful he is with Emma and Eden.

I pray for a peace and a knowing that I am following the right "red thread" to our son. I pray that one day, when I see all my children laughing together, that I will look back on any worry or concern as just something I had to pass through to get where I needed to get.

Please help me with the momentum to finish up all my years worth of photo albums since, when we meet Baby Boy Karp, the shutter clicks will go on and on and on. Please remind me that the timing of everything, whether slow or fast, is exactly as it needs to be in order for us all to be brought together.

Today, Eden had a homework assignment with me. Only they don't call it homework, they call it "Together Time." She had to tell me the reasons she thinks she is special. She named all the people in our family as special, and then said "And our baby brother who will get to us one day is very special." I go around thinking my kids don't know too much about what is going on (as I haven't officially said it yet) -- but who am I kidding? The trajectory of our lives, I guess, has been made very clear to them. The only remarkable thing (among many, actually) is that Emma has never once told someone who doesn't know (including some family) that we're getting a brother. They unconsciously know that info will come from me.

To add some melody to my thoughts and prayers, here's a song I absolutely love. I dedicate this to Emma, Eden and the little boy who waits for us.

Love,
Me

Please disable my songlist at the bottom of the blog page so that you can hear this song. Enjoy!

September 11th -- In Memory

I give honor to those who lost their lives on this day in our nation's history 7 years ago. There is not a week that goes by, really, that I don't think of what took place that day. Something always reminds me -- something even as simple as me feeling the heat from my stove when I open the oven door. The Fall weather approaching, the sights and the smells. I know what I was wearing that day. I remember it all too well -- being on the subway crossing the Manhattan Bridge, seeing flames licking out from the the Twin Towers' gaping holes. I got out of the subway and tried to turn around to come home but the city's subway system had already been shut down. Only 12 miles from home but I thought I'd never see it again. I had no cell phone and pay phones were not working. Some people lent me their cell phones to call Gary but no connection was made. It felt too real that perhaps I would never see Gary or my family again. I was alone just walking the streets, not knowing where to turn because the city was just shut down. I was there watching in disbelief when the South Tower fell, becoming a huge gray mushroom cloud caving in on itself, and then poof -- nothing there at all. I was about 1 mile or less from Ground Zero, but the building was so high I saw it perfectly from where I stood on 5th Avenue, frozen in place. Self-consciousness played no part in all who cried real tears from fear and disbelief, including myself. A woman and I grabbed hands as the tower fell. She pulled my hand and said "follow me" and then "don't look back, just keep looking forward." I introduced myself 3 blocks later to my Guardian Angel, as I began to hobble in my too-tight sandals and feared I had no place to go and no ability to get there. Pat invited me to walk with her to her apartment in Queens. It took us 3.5 hours to walk through the city streets and then across the 59th Street bridge to get there. I waited on her couch for 5 hours until a cab was finally available to take me home. Today, Pat and I spoke on the phone as we do every Sept. 11th. And we made plans for her to come over next month. Certainly, there was devastation on that day 7 years ago, but it also birthed a very special friendship. Additionally, and so importantly, I got pregnant with Emma very shortly after 9/11 -- I know that the tragedies of that day and our desire to build a family bumped up our efforts (so to speak!) to add goodness to this world. I am sure many other babies were born from this reason 9 months later.

I give honor today to all the heroes who lost their lives on this day. I can not imagine the horror they experienced and I hope they know their lives were not in vain.

Stephanie

My Birthday Gratitude List

I am grateful to have arrived at 36! I am grateful for this life that I have been given! I am grateful for the life I have made!

I am grateful for a lovely day that began with tennis and ended with tennis.

I'm grateful that Alissa came in to Brooklyn to play even though we were rained out after 15 minutes and then for spending a lovely day together with my oldest friend (36 years!).

I am grateful for a day that felt easy breezy filled with baking a cake and brownies, cleaning the house and taking kids to tennis after school -- my day ended with dinner for 11 people (ordered in!), fun singing in my crazy house -- we're all nuts!, and a game of tennis for myself at night. Tiring but happy and luxurious.

I am grateful for wonderful gifts from my parents -- a beautiful leather jacket that came 18 years after it was supposed to (private joke! -- I was supposed to get this leather jacket for my 18th birthday but back then I never found one I liked after much searching. We tried again at 19 and then at 20 and then gave up as something that would happen when it happens. Since then, every time I open my gift from my parents, no matter how small the box, I joke and say "Is it a leather jacket?" Well, today there it was in all it's Andrew Marc glory. I laughed out loud for many minutes!!) and the piece de resistance -- a beautiful framed photo of me and my dad doing one of our first dances together in 1981 (I was 9!) with part of the lyrics to The Times of our Life, a song that we have danced to through the years, photoshopped into this beauitiful collaged image. What a special gift! I have searched for that photo for years and when my mom finally found it hidden in an old desk, she decided to present it in such a meaningful way. What a treasure!! THANK YOU MOM! You outdid yourself!

I am grateful my mom thought to use the heirloom photo services of www.honeybeememories.com. Thank you Melissa! xoxoxo

I am grateful for getting an important document out today (I600A that technically should have been in already but perhaps was sent in really at the right time for our family) that felt special to be sent on my birthday as it helps me towards our goal.

I am grateful for feeling the fear and doing it anyway!

I am grateful for looking over right now at a beautiful photo that Carolyn took of my kids and framed as a surprise for me for my birthday. I need to frame more photos -- it makes me happy to look at this image. Imagine a whole wall of this!

I am grateful for plans to fill my walls with photos of my life and joys and family in Pottery Barn style gallery frame collections.

I am grateful for feeling better again.

I am grateful for the sweetness of Pillsbury Funfetti cakes.

I am grateful for Facebook connections and fun.

I am grateful that Jennifer takes amazing photos of our families together.

I am grateful that Eden has a best friend. How adorable she and Kaitlyn are together!!!

I am grateful that Emma is loving school and is the class monitor, a job she is proud of.

I am grateful for email dialogue with Emma's kindergarten teacher in which she now signs off "Mary." We're buddies ;-)

I am grateful that tonight Emma was feeling upset and maturely asked me and Gary to have privacy with her so she can have a "discussion" about what is bothering her. We've come a long way!

I am grateful for all my friendships, my wonderful family and husband, how lucky I feel to have you all in my life. I will steal the phrase from a couple of people I know who have used this recently -- "I hit the jackpot!"

I am grateful to know that I don't have to make waves. Sometimes I just gotta "give up and let it go."

I am grateful to know that I would not have been given the dream without the ability to achieve it.

I am grateful for my now 2x weekly tennis lessons which have been a huge enjoyment for me, more than I ever anticipated.

I am grateful to know that my 37th year will be one that I will be proud to own -- in so many ways!

I am grateful that I commit to fitness and eating well!

I am grateful to know that this is the year I make things happen.

I am grateful for the safety and health of all whom I hold dear.

I am grateful for my family of four -- for all that I am, all that I have and all that is yet to be!

Goodnight!
Steph