September 11th -- In Memory

I give honor to those who lost their lives on this day in our nation's history 7 years ago. There is not a week that goes by, really, that I don't think of what took place that day. Something always reminds me -- something even as simple as me feeling the heat from my stove when I open the oven door. The Fall weather approaching, the sights and the smells. I know what I was wearing that day. I remember it all too well -- being on the subway crossing the Manhattan Bridge, seeing flames licking out from the the Twin Towers' gaping holes. I got out of the subway and tried to turn around to come home but the city's subway system had already been shut down. Only 12 miles from home but I thought I'd never see it again. I had no cell phone and pay phones were not working. Some people lent me their cell phones to call Gary but no connection was made. It felt too real that perhaps I would never see Gary or my family again. I was alone just walking the streets, not knowing where to turn because the city was just shut down. I was there watching in disbelief when the South Tower fell, becoming a huge gray mushroom cloud caving in on itself, and then poof -- nothing there at all. I was about 1 mile or less from Ground Zero, but the building was so high I saw it perfectly from where I stood on 5th Avenue, frozen in place. Self-consciousness played no part in all who cried real tears from fear and disbelief, including myself. A woman and I grabbed hands as the tower fell. She pulled my hand and said "follow me" and then "don't look back, just keep looking forward." I introduced myself 3 blocks later to my Guardian Angel, as I began to hobble in my too-tight sandals and feared I had no place to go and no ability to get there. Pat invited me to walk with her to her apartment in Queens. It took us 3.5 hours to walk through the city streets and then across the 59th Street bridge to get there. I waited on her couch for 5 hours until a cab was finally available to take me home. Today, Pat and I spoke on the phone as we do every Sept. 11th. And we made plans for her to come over next month. Certainly, there was devastation on that day 7 years ago, but it also birthed a very special friendship. Additionally, and so importantly, I got pregnant with Emma very shortly after 9/11 -- I know that the tragedies of that day and our desire to build a family bumped up our efforts (so to speak!) to add goodness to this world. I am sure many other babies were born from this reason 9 months later.

I give honor today to all the heroes who lost their lives on this day. I can not imagine the horror they experienced and I hope they know their lives were not in vain.

Stephanie

My Birthday Gratitude List

I am grateful to have arrived at 36! I am grateful for this life that I have been given! I am grateful for the life I have made!

I am grateful for a lovely day that began with tennis and ended with tennis.

I'm grateful that Alissa came in to Brooklyn to play even though we were rained out after 15 minutes and then for spending a lovely day together with my oldest friend (36 years!).

I am grateful for a day that felt easy breezy filled with baking a cake and brownies, cleaning the house and taking kids to tennis after school -- my day ended with dinner for 11 people (ordered in!), fun singing in my crazy house -- we're all nuts!, and a game of tennis for myself at night. Tiring but happy and luxurious.

I am grateful for wonderful gifts from my parents -- a beautiful leather jacket that came 18 years after it was supposed to (private joke! -- I was supposed to get this leather jacket for my 18th birthday but back then I never found one I liked after much searching. We tried again at 19 and then at 20 and then gave up as something that would happen when it happens. Since then, every time I open my gift from my parents, no matter how small the box, I joke and say "Is it a leather jacket?" Well, today there it was in all it's Andrew Marc glory. I laughed out loud for many minutes!!) and the piece de resistance -- a beautiful framed photo of me and my dad doing one of our first dances together in 1981 (I was 9!) with part of the lyrics to The Times of our Life, a song that we have danced to through the years, photoshopped into this beauitiful collaged image. What a special gift! I have searched for that photo for years and when my mom finally found it hidden in an old desk, she decided to present it in such a meaningful way. What a treasure!! THANK YOU MOM! You outdid yourself!

I am grateful my mom thought to use the heirloom photo services of www.honeybeememories.com. Thank you Melissa! xoxoxo

I am grateful for getting an important document out today (I600A that technically should have been in already but perhaps was sent in really at the right time for our family) that felt special to be sent on my birthday as it helps me towards our goal.

I am grateful for feeling the fear and doing it anyway!

I am grateful for looking over right now at a beautiful photo that Carolyn took of my kids and framed as a surprise for me for my birthday. I need to frame more photos -- it makes me happy to look at this image. Imagine a whole wall of this!

I am grateful for plans to fill my walls with photos of my life and joys and family in Pottery Barn style gallery frame collections.

I am grateful for feeling better again.

I am grateful for the sweetness of Pillsbury Funfetti cakes.

I am grateful for Facebook connections and fun.

I am grateful that Jennifer takes amazing photos of our families together.

I am grateful that Eden has a best friend. How adorable she and Kaitlyn are together!!!

I am grateful that Emma is loving school and is the class monitor, a job she is proud of.

I am grateful for email dialogue with Emma's kindergarten teacher in which she now signs off "Mary." We're buddies ;-)

I am grateful that tonight Emma was feeling upset and maturely asked me and Gary to have privacy with her so she can have a "discussion" about what is bothering her. We've come a long way!

I am grateful for all my friendships, my wonderful family and husband, how lucky I feel to have you all in my life. I will steal the phrase from a couple of people I know who have used this recently -- "I hit the jackpot!"

I am grateful to know that I don't have to make waves. Sometimes I just gotta "give up and let it go."

I am grateful to know that I would not have been given the dream without the ability to achieve it.

I am grateful for my now 2x weekly tennis lessons which have been a huge enjoyment for me, more than I ever anticipated.

I am grateful to know that my 37th year will be one that I will be proud to own -- in so many ways!

I am grateful that I commit to fitness and eating well!

I am grateful to know that this is the year I make things happen.

I am grateful for the safety and health of all whom I hold dear.

I am grateful for my family of four -- for all that I am, all that I have and all that is yet to be!

Goodnight!
Steph

School Time

The beginning of school is just one full day away. My schedule will go back to being one that is extremely hectic -- what with different school schedules of the girls and various classes they take. I try to make my life a little more streamlined, and we often wean as we go and get ourselves (eventually) into a good groove where there is enough to occupy them, enough downtime, enough fun stuff, enough hanging out time and plenty of time for homework.

Why do I occupy my kids so much when I can? They like friends, they like to have fun. And yet it seems difficult in this day and age for us. In short, we are having a tough time with playdates. Long ago, when I was a kid, I got on my bike after my homework was done and my mom didn't see me until she stuck her head out the front door and called me in for dinner. Nowadays, a playdate is scheduled, and frankly, last year, we had an interesting predicament for Emma where it seemed that all her friends were busy, or unable to visit, or would cancel, or if they did come over, it was not reciprocated. In fact, I don't think Emma was invited once to a house of one of her classmates, despite us often making an overture. This is not everyone we know, of course, but I would say this was true of most people we tried to get in touch with from school. There are just so many days I can ask a mom if their child would like to play with Emma and have Emma be disappointed. She's a good, sweet, fun kid. A little intense some days, but who isn't? ;-) Her teacher said that she is extremely liked in school and has many friends. The truth is, I think people are so busy and overscheduled. Perhaps kids just play with neighbors on their block. And due to this, what do I feel I have to do in return? I feel the need to have some sort of planned after school activity for Emma so that she feels she has some place to go. She finishes her homework in twenty minutes. Then there are about 5 and 1/2 more hours until bed time. We no longer have kids right next door to us on the block. There are just so many cartoons or art projects she can do at home. Just so many times our game can be interrupted by Eden stepping on the board. Emma needs a friend from school to play with now and then. Eden does have a best friend who is one of my best friend's daughters. Emma plays so sweetly with these 3 year olds, but I know she longs to have a friend over too during these times. Now there are a few people who did show interest last year (and admitted to having hectic schedules but showed desire to plan playdates) and some girls from outside her class whom we did see, and some really lovely mothers (that helps!) and I will try to pursue these friendships for Emma this year as well.

Despite going to a great camp, Emma had a tough summer too. She never told me until the last day of camp that a group of girls had been calling her "hairy" all summer. How dare they break down the self esteem of my Emma? She never told me why she chose to play lanyard with her counselor instead of swimming towards the end. But finally she did. My little 6 year old has to worry now about hairy legs? Whether it be a truth or not, why do girls have to be so cruel? I shared this information with Emma's kindergarten teacher (we email back and forth) and she wrote such a lovely email to Emma about meeting new friends this year, about how vibrant, beautiful and kind she is, about what it means to be a true friend. How special to have a fan in your life like this from such a young age. How many of us have TRUE fans? How blessed we feel when we do have them. I try to teach Emma that she needs to be her own fan first and foremost. She has to be her own best friend first.

It's funny how I began this entry never knowing I would write about this situation of friends and self-esteem and fans in your life. But it has made it more clear in my head that I'm going to help Emma pursue friendships and continue her with tennis and swimming that she seems to love and thrive on and from which she derives LOTS of self-esteem. And hopefully like minded friends will result from these activities.

It reminds me, as well, to surround myself with the true fans in my own life -- and thankfully, in my life I have very special friends, and in this forum, I have found this as well.

Reminds me to make sure I also practice self-care this year too. I can not deplete myself with driving my kids to and fro without filling up my own needs first, so I will definitely be aware of this. When I feel satisfied and cared for, I am best able to give more fully.

So, I spoke to Carolyn tonight and she said she worries when I don't write. So, here I purged for you! All is well in my world though. And on the adoption front, I have things in place with my accountant, I have my I600 about to be sent in (getting our birth certificates and marriage licence for that on Wednesday.) Lots to do but after reading my dossier kit for the umpteenth time, I see that it is all doable, and it is all within my reach.

I also wanted to say thank you especially to my mom who has heard me talk repeatedly about the same topics lately as this adventure of ours gets processed in my mind more and more every day. My mother is remarkable in so many ways, listening to me lately, just being one of them. If ever there was a person who was on my side unconditionally, this is her. Sure, we argue and disagree many times. But my mother trusts my judgement. She knows me, she knows what is in my heart. She gets me. How lucky I am. One topic of note being "To Take the Kids to Kaz ... or not." I see the merits in both. I see the EASE in leaving them home -- allowing us the time we need to bond with our son without the distractions of tired children, of tantrums, or possible illness or boredom or homesickness. Allowing them to stay home and enjoy their summer or school time and friends. I also feel the panic when I think of being 9,000 miles away for 5 weeks and a 30 hour journey away. It is a literal panicked feeling that grips me like a bad dream. I see the joy in being able to bring them with an able caregiver who can handle them if any of the above arises and we are not there at that moment or simply need an extra pair of hands. I see the joy in having them go through this bonding journey too. Thankfully, I do have time to let this settle for a while. I would love to hear from anyone who DID in fact bring their other young children to travel and what that was like. Did anyone feel regret or joy either way?

I am thinking way too much. It's late. I likely have PMS or some other wacky hormonal syndrome ;-) Perhaps I drank too much caffeinated diet dr. pepper today (my worst vice but not as bad as Carolyn's love of Fanta.) Maybe I do just feel some safety to be myself within the confines of this blog. This is a good thing. Thank you.

All is moving along otherwise, and I feel very excited and fortunate to be in the place I am now. Very grateful for the family of 5 soon to be. Very grateful for all that is in my reach now. Continually thankful for amazing support in my life. For my TRUE FANS. For all I hold dear. For all that is yet to come.

Steph

The bundle has arrived!

The dossier kit and introductory information package, that is!! We're ready to rock and roll! THANKS JHA!!!

Back Home

Today, we got back home from a wonderful week in Turks and Caicos where we experienced white sand, the crystal clear blue ocean, family bonding, relaxation and a plain ol' great time. I feel blessed to have had such a summer of making wonderful family memories. Our family of four was captured by a photographer on the beach. We figured we'd be happy to purchase JUST ONE shot of the four of us -- a rarity, and most often gotten by strangers who remain too far away. This time, I walked away with 58 photos. Gulp! But worth it! Not all of them are technically correct and most are posed, but, to us, they do seem to capture the ease we seemed to feel on that island. We hope to return!

A few interesting things in our journey to our son took place there:
1. I was taking a photo of Emma and Eden in cute sunglasses we had just purchased at the gift shop. A man who worked at the resort was passing by and said "Promise me next year you'll come back with a brother between the two of them. Promise?" I laughed and said "We're working on it!" and he replied "I pray for you."

2. We met up with a lovely family from England for dinner last night. They have three kids and asked us if there are any more in store for us, and we very openly, for the first time really in this format, said "Why yes, actually. We are adopting a baby boy and hopefully he'll be with us by next year." Then, thinking that Emma was talking to their 8 year old daughter, I added "I'm talking low because we really didn't announce yet to them." Emma lifted up her smiling face and said "But mom, I am listening!"

3. Today, once at home with my parents, Eden, who now obviously knows too, came up to me and whispered, "Can I tell Grandma about our Madison Tyler?" This by the way, is not the name of our future child, but instead, the name of two babies she happens to love. She has combined this name into one and thinks that any adorable baby is a Madison Tyler.

Here are some of the photos of us enjoying our time in the British West Indies. It was the Beaches all-inclusive spa and resort with a Sesame Street program and we all HIGHLY recommend this trip to families with children of any age. Emma and Eden got a chance to bake cookies with Cookie Monster -- how cool is that?

We're on the bus!!!!

I am grateful for persistence.

I am grateful for following my journey.

I am grateful for love in my heart, a heart that is open for more.

I am grateful for having faith and courage to take unchartered paths!

I am grateful for Jen Macaluso Gilmore and her assignment "If I can see it, I can believe it" (vision board) -- without whom I would not be in the position I am today. Check out www.somethingdifferentnyc.com

I am grateful that, with a tiny healthy measure of anxiety and "holy cow!!!", I actually feel 110% certain, finally a "knowing", that this is what we were meant to do.

I am grateful that my family is on board.

I am grateful to know that my dream benefits others and adds to our family in a most magnificent way.

I am grateful to know that in 12-14 months (give or take) our lives will change in ways I don't think I ever would have imagined. Ever!

I am grateful to announce that yesterday Gary and I signed, notarized and sent off a contract to an international adoption agency that will begin the journey of us bringing home a little boy to join our family from the Republic of Kazakhstan in Central Asia (nestled between Russia and China.)

I am grateful that my mother was there with me when I sent off the envelope and, like a true grandma, wiped the tears in her eyes as she told me "congratulations!"

I am grateful that even though there is still much for me to do, collect, sign, seal and deliver as part of our dossier, we have begun the most important part -- that of actively and legally committing to bring home a child waiting for his forever family.

I am grateful that it has been 17 years since I was first drawn to International Adoption and a very long 15 months since I actively began researching the possibility and that all this time was exactly how long I needed to take. While I thought I was taking a long time getting the courage to go down this unchartered path, what was really happening is that all the stars were getting ready to be aligned properly so that our family would form together as it was meant to.

I am grateful for dear friends who wrote me beautiful reference letters to prove our worthiness to bring home baby boy Karp.

I am grateful that we still have 12-14 months to wrap my head around this -- and grateful to not have told Emma and Eden yet as they would think this is happening tomorrow.

I am grateful that although this still feels so far away to Gary, he is committed, on board and ready for a major life change. Not just the adoption, but three kids in general!

I am grateful that my passion and education has helped Gary to be a dad who eagerly signed on the dotted line and felt happy doing so.

I am grateful and hopeful that Emma and Eden will be the best big sisters a little boy could hope for.

I am grateful that I have dear friends who have 3 children and can show us the way!

I am grateful that I have dear friends in the adoptive community who can show us the way!

I am grateful for the support of wonderful people in my life in all ways.

I am grateful, once again, for the Power of Right Now without which I would never have stepped into my dream and made this a reality soon to be. Adoption, although always tugging at my heart, felt as if it was out of my reach and that kept it at bay. I was finally able to make this little boy someone I could see clearly.

I am grateful for the little boy who will join our family when the time is right.

I am grateful for his birth mother who may or not be pregnant just yet -- May she stay healthy and safe and find peace within. His birth dad too.

I am grateful to be at peace with so many unknowns and grateful to be hopeful that all will be okay.

I am grateful to still have a year to finish the photo albums of my family of four so I can be ready for the next set!

I am grateful for the stamina and stick-to-itiveness that I will need over the next 1-3 months as I gather the appropriate governmental and legal documents to bring us closer to the prize.

I am grateful for the patience we will have as we wait to be matched with our child, when the time is right. Keep our eyes on the prize!

I am grateful and hopeful that this experience will touch us in ways we never could imagine and those in our circle as well.

I am grateful for those who have gone before me.

I am grateful for Julie and Colene at Journey Home Adoption agency who championed me and encouraged me, gave me space and gently nudged me, for almost one year and I wasn't even a client yet.

I am grateful that I felt right at home in their care.

I am grateful to be able to be a Forever Family for a child who has waited for one.

I am grateful to accept the next chapter of my life, when it comes, with gusto!


Yahoooo!!!!

Steph

I've longed for the day when I'd feel ready to finally get on the proverbial bus and declare it. I'm on it! Please join me and enjoy this song! This one is for you, Miss R!(Note: Please scroll all the way down to STOP my Playlist so you can hear this oh so appropos song, a favorite of Emma's, by the way. Enjoy!)

Simply Stay the Course

Application filled out, references being written, contract signed and notarized this morning. After leaving the notary public, who didn't even charge us, Gary grabbed my hand with happiness. He continues to call this baby by the nickname that I never used to like but I think will become his name and whose name I will eventually love. If I can name a daughter Eden, I guess I can name my son a slightly unusual name too.

Got this in my email today, that fun "Notes from the Universe" thing I signed up for that seems to say the right things at the right time.

If you can imagine it, you can have it, Stephanie. This is the name of the game. This is the lesson to learn. It couldn't be any easier. Reality is not what your eyes show your mind, but what your mind creates for your eyes to see. You are not limited by logic, the past, or the world around you. You are not even of the world around you. You are supernatural, pure spirit. You came first. Magic, miracles, and luck are the consequences of understanding this, the inevitable result of dreaming and acting in spite of appearances.

You are ever so close. Simply stay the course. It won't be very much longer.