Twenty Six Days

April 28, 2008

I am 4 days into my “Being Still” phase. It is Eden’s 3rd birthday, a day I was supposed to have made up my mind. Jen Mac, a wise life coach, had suggested I “be still”, the only way to hear myself, not to worry about indeterminate decision dates that I set myself up with. Gary made me think that the fact that I accepted that “challenge” showed I was less passionate about adoption. I got angry, and then began to think – is he right? No, it’s because I am taking this life decision so seriously that I am being still. Over the course of a few days, I began to feel nervous (day one) – oh my god, was this possibly going to be an opportunity for me to flake out on this? Was I going to turn my attention to exercising, eating right and my ASL stuff (numbers two and three on my priorities list) and this adoption stuff would just go away as an old hobby that I busied myself with for a year? In the shower each morning, my eyes tear up at this vision I have of a woman in white handing me a baby boy with her arms outstretched. While the hot water pelts my back, my arms reach up to receive him. I see him very clearly. I can not neglect him now. I feel a sense of calm now. The day has arrived, it’s Eden’s birthday. This sense of calm that “the day” so long waited for is here and yet I am just sitting idly by waiting until the time feels very right, or trying not to think at all. My eyes welled up with tears today, my heart warmed, when after Eden made her 3rd birthday wish and blew out her candles, my dad grabbed my hand firmly and said to me quietly, while glancing over at Emma and Eden -- “My wish for your daughters, and you, is that they get to one day have their brother.”



I said to him “Thank you Dad. That was really really nice.” My heart warmed to this. It was his deepest wish, said privately and meaningfully after the candle went out. He was referring to adoption. How else would he know to say brother. We weren’t ever trying to get pregnant for a boy or anything of the sort. The brother we have been speaking about is the boy who waits in Kazakhstan. This being still is working for me I feel. My true feelings will be revealed and ecstasy will roll in at my feet. Soon. Soon.





April 29, 2008
A day of poor eating and subsequent anxiety. Trying to squelch my feelings, aren’t I? Something to think about. I hope to push through this discomfort. Stop eating it away and let me get through it. I need to feel my best, look my best, THINK my best. Diet soda doesn’t serve me. Brownies don’t serve me, lack of movement doesn’t serve me. There are so many better choices I can be making. I need to be more conscious.

May 13, 2008

The past few days I do feel an anxiety again, a “need to know.” I am obviously not being “still.” Do I not know how to be or am I just hating the feeling of limbo? Either way, I just don’t think I’m doing this “being still” thing right. I wanted to go to the 63rd precinct today to get our fingerprints. Last night I had said to Gary that I wanted to go and do one small thing and take note of how I felt during the process and afterwards. Would I be filled with dread or the opposite feeling of calm as I did the next indicated thing? Eden came into my bed at 3:30 AM from a bad dream and thereafter, I got such poor sleep (was I even sleeping at all?) and I could not get up at 7am to get ready. Gary said we’ll go tomorrow. Last night he and I had a discussion. Perhaps he was listening to me more than in the past as he said he felt my passion (as opposed to the other day when he thought my taking the “Be still” challenge actually indicated lack of passion.) The interesting thing is, the more I wait and sit this out, the more fear and anxiety I feel. It’s not the same warm feelings that propelled me to begin this journey long ago. I think that being still is actually allowing me *too much* time to think. Not to worry about the end result, because in the end, I do see us as a happy and healthy family. It’s the process, the traveling with two small children, the unknowns, the length of time, the fact that Gary hates to travel, the fact that my entire family is taking one plane to a foreign place and I just hope we have safe travels after all this. These thoughts I have, envisioning it all, everything we will have to manage, to handle, to prepare for, knowing the bulk of the worry is on me as I know Gary feels for the children, but does not feel exactly as I do at this time (despite him pushing forward albeit slowly because he is encouraged by me.) It is uncomfortable.

Caught up on blog reading and saw that Regina Ruopoli is set to leave tomorrow for her 35-40 hour journey to Aktobe. The news she was long waiting for! Excitement for her and yet, I am also filled with an anxiety too – not for me per se, but for Gary and what he’ll say and for how the kids will behave. Part of me thinks the journey to get there would be okay, not stellar, but we’d get through it. We’ll be a family and we’ll do it together. We have to view it as an adventure or I honestly think that our fears will get the best of us and really dictate how this would go down. When I read Regina’s blog entry from yesterday, I see she does have a fear unlike she’s ever felt. I have that fear now -- could it be worse? I can’t decide if the fear is saying “don’t do this!” or if it’s just saying “holy shit! You are so close and YES, this is ABSOLUTELY scary and unchartered.” I want it to all work out, I want my family to be healthy, I want a big fat pudgy baby boy that we all love, and that I can say “I was so worried about this? ! What a poor use of my time!” I want this to be something that is SO GREAT, beyond my wildest imaginings.

Part of me, when wondering if my fear is saying “give up!” worries about the blog friends I would lose (what could tie us together anymore should we not proceed?) and if I would feel like a failure (my perfectionist me again) because I did come so close and then just never took the chance. My sensitivity is so high these days, this I admit wholeheartedly. A stressful time internally. Really not in tune with the way I view life on "regular" days, so I do recognize the weight I am putting on things that are so far from the real issues. It is a fact that right now I do feel removed from the friends and contacts I have made online (even the ones I read who don't necessarily read my own) and that is hard. There is nothing new in my blog, nothing new that keeps the flow, and I am trying to not really respond to others right now as much as I did a few weeks back in my attempt to be still. I am also trying not to read so much about others in an attempt to not be swayed. I do miss these friends -- whether we comment or not, it's just a connection to people who have passed before me, people on the journey who's paths I hope to follow. It is not like I don't have wonderful friends, but there is something about sharing this journey with others that has been a life saver. I do not want to lose this. I know that shouldn’t be my concern. If anyone is meant to be a true friend or a blog connection for the long haul, they will be. There are friends for every season, that I know. This is my life we are talking about here and friendships formed in the 'sphere are just the icing on the cake. But I’d be blind to not see the possibilities of me being in limbo forever and of losing some of these friends who have meant so so much to me in my journey thus far, as they will likely move on to other connections closer in the same boat to them. And it’s not like I’d have a real answer as if to say “We decided it didn’t work for us because ….” and have it make sense. Instead, all I could say possibly is that “Well, ladies and gentlemen, fear got the best of me.” That would be the truth. But it feels too cowardly for me.

Fear of what? A child to love, to hold, to love us? Fear of a trip which could be one of the biggest adventures in our lives and one we look back on as one of the most BONDING times of our lives – a time where we can say “wow! Remember when we tried horse meat at that little café in Astana?” Or something like that. I am actually not sure at all I could *ever* try horse meat. I have a hard enough time knowing I eat cows.

Imagine Emma and Eden really remembering when they first met their little brother, wanting to teach and show him every new thing. They will be big girls by the time this goes down, I can only imagine the love they would show him, just like they show each other but even more mothering and nurturing.

Imagine the first time I saw a glimmer in Gary’s eyes that tells me he is glad we took the chance. Imagine the first time he wraps his arms around his son and says “I love you” and means it wholly from the bottom of his heart. Imagine the pride I’d feel at having been the impetus to making this new Karp family a reality.

Later: I spoke to Gary about my concerns about the long flight, and long travel and how I don’t necessarily dread it but I’m so concerned about how he’d view it and make it hard on me, given how many weeks we’ll be away from home (he hates travel in general!) blah blah blah. And Gary just started asking me questions about using frequent flyer miles to upgrade us to First Class so that we’d be more comfortable and all of a sudden, feeling he was ON MY SIDE IN THIS, this feeling lifted up off of me and I felt so much less anxiety.

This morning I also took it upon myself to write to the Social Worker we will use but did not hire yet about my anxiety. Wondering if she could help me decipher some feelings as normal cold feet or something more. She wrote me back that absolutely fear is a HUGE part of this experience. I think I had been waiting for the calm to just come over me. When Jen Mac gave me the assignment of being still, I think I was expecting a warmth to flow over me eventually and the proverbial angels would sing. I think the reality of adoption uncertainty is what causes me fear, but that my convictions for what adoptions means has not waned. This decision is already made in my heart and has been for some time, but must now be made with my HEAD and rational thought and decisions about how we build our family going forward and that is the hard part. To know that my adopting has always been a choice. And to finally make that choice. Maybe doing the “next indicated thing” without thinking is actually the answer for me here. Do people give this much thought and anxiety into deciding to procreate? In fact, wasn’t Eden a happy surprise which took away all thought anyway? And look where we are now? I couldn’t have asked for a better family, and more loving sisters to each other. It worked out perfectly really. Perhaps less thought is best, just go with the flow.

Again, I must remind myself “I would not have been given the dream if I had not been given the ability to achieve it.”

I do feel better now … I look forward to having my phone conversation with Judy Schwartz tomorrow to talk further about this. Even though she is (hopefully) going to be writing my Home Study, I really thought honesty and sharing my feelings with her was best, as opposed to worrying about portraying the “perfect” family, I will instead portray reality and normalcy and AUTHENTICITY.

From me to Social Worker today:
“Hi Judy, I am starting to feel some anxiety in regards to "taking the leap" and beginning the process in earnest, even though my heart is absolutely THERE, and am wondering if it's normal cold feet before beginning or something else. Any way for us to speak, as perhaps you'd be better able to ascertain what's going on? Thank you!
Stephanie “


From Judy Schwartz, MSW: “Hi Stephanie, It is very normal to have cold feet and be afraid to take this huge step. It is scary and you may feel very vulnerable and out of control and fearful of having your heart broken and losing money. It's also scary to deal with lawyers if doing domestic or international laws when embarking on an international adoption, etc. There is nobody who gets into the adoption process who does not do it holding their breath that all will work out. I went through that in my adoptions too. I was terrified and went through all the "what ifs" too. If you weren't scared, I'd be concerned…..I should be in my office tomorrow from noon to 4, feel free to call.
Hang in there, Judy”

May 16, 2008

Today I had anxiety but something was becoming clearer. I bought a room partition for my attic to hide the part that is my closet/storage area the other day. Studying this room this morning, I began to see the space as a potential baby’s room and was able to envision it neater and where the baby gate would go. It is already a happy blue. My mom was talking to me with “when you go to Kazakhstan” and not if. We spoke more and I got out all my worries. It feels so good to talk out loud. So much I hold inside on a daily basis, or write, or wait until Gary comes home and get it out. But to be able to talk to my mom in the middle of the day when the anxiety was hitting me felt like a huge relief. I have been second guessing everything and I needed to reaffirm my original thoughts. Aloud, I reinforced that although I do love my girls and know girls, a boy is best for our family because it would (in my mind) lead to less sibling rivalry. My girls would BOTH get to be big sisters to a brother. I want their bond to stay strong and watch them as two little mommies. Additionally, I have always wanted to opportunity to bring up a “nice boy.” I think he will round out our family so beautifully. And I think Gary, despite not knowing it now, would probably very much enjoy the bond of a father and a son. Gary lost his dad when he was only 15. He is gaga over his girls, and I look forward to seeing him love a son too. Then, because last night, just to drive myself more crazy, I was actually researching (google and YouTube) other countries with shorter travel time such as Bulgaria, Moldova, Ukraine and Kyrgyzstan (and also closer to Romania, my original thoughts) I began to talk out loud to my mother about why it’s probably best for me to stick with Kaz and not second guess myself anymore. It was all my second guessing that was coming out in the past few days with my researching other programs and considering other options. Like wait a minute, I’m not sure, is this the perfect choice, etc etc? It’s what I tend to do.

I was drawn to Kaz for a reason, beginning when I first began the Romanian research. I met the Poston family because their daughter looked like Emma. I also feel the addition of a Kazakh beauty in the Karp family is a natural -- for the first 18 months of Emma’s life, many people thought she looked Asian and even now I have seen many children that remind me of Emma with their dark eyes and dark hair. I have researched this country and now have Kaz “cousins” among these blog friends. Additionally, I worked SO hard to find an agency who I do love, one who specializes in Kaz, and they have been by my side for one year now without me being an actual client yet. I do not want to begin that search again. If my child was in a place other than Kaz, I think I would be drawn to that place more, but for now, I think it’s just second guessing due to last minute fears. Kaz it is.

Tonight again, while holding Emma and Eden on my lap for a goodnight hug I said to them in a jokey way “Do we have room for a brother here?” and Emma said “right between us, and I would hold him just like this” . She said will his stomach be bigger or smaller than Eden’s? I believe she meant “waist” because she was opening her hands in a mime gesture as if holding a baby around the waist sitting on her lap. I told her smaller.

Thus we began a conversation about adoption. It’s remarkable, without even having adopted, how much I have taught my not yet six year old about other ways to build families. I said do you want to talk about what adoption means and she said “wait, let me tell you” and it was remarkable because she has obviously been listening. Aside from the fact that up until yesterday she thought you adopted the babies from a store that (her words) looked like Bed, Bath and Beyond, but with little crib bars so the babies don’t fall from the shelves and they are wrapped in blankets and waving. It’s weird because her view of them is sort of the visuals that get me too, the image of young toddlers waving from behind a window or a gated fence. Perhaps she has heard me say this to Gary in the past, I don’t think so, but perhaps.

She understands that if moms can not keep their babies they will be brought to a place that is “sort of like a day care” until a mommy and dad come for them.

Emma asked why moms can’t keep their babies, and if not the moms why can’t the babies live with the dads. I told her that sometimes they can live with a dad or an aunt or grandma, but sometimes they can’t. I told her the birth parents love their babies so much but sometimes they are too poor, or too young or too ill (“Like a broken leg?” she asked. “no,” I said, “much more ill than that.”) and they love their babies enough to want them to go with other families who will love them forever for the rest of their lives. Emma really was upset by the birth moms not being with the babies. It really hit a nerve there for her. She said “don’t the moms just want to cry every day? I am so sad I could almost cry now!” It’s interesting too that she empathized with the moms missing their children, when I would think she might associate more with the children. Then, with assertiveness in her voice, she just said to me “If babies need parents to love them, then let’s just do it! Okay mom? Okay?” I went over not believing my ears and my wise wise child. I just punched her knuckles and said “let’s speak to dad tomorrow.”

Emma stated so simply the truth of the matter. These children need parents to love them and we want a baby brother to love. My fear gets in my own way. Her facts and statements are the crux of the whole issue. And she, my precious daughter, feels this deeply.

It’s amazing because I know she has mentioned the idea of adoption to her cousin Brett and also Hannah at school. But she knows it’s a huge decision to be made by our family and she has never vocalized this unnecessarily to others.

When she spoke, I can not begin to express the feelings that came over me. Rather, it was the absence of anxiety. It lifted. I called up Gary and told him. He wants to talk to Emma. He too was very moved by her simple statements of fact, her desire to just love a child who needs a home.

Tonight I watched a YouTube video (Alison’s Adoption by NicoleSandler) – it was narrated and was really lovely. To see the handing over of the child, the first moment of meeting, to see the caregivers in white stating their wishes for the child for her life, to see the inside of the courtroom I have only read about, to hear the judge’s pronouncements. Fat tears just fell onto my hands resting in my lap and I whispered out loud with a PURE HEART and NO FEAR and an absolute TRUTH of knowing THIS WAS RIGHT -- “I am ready.”


May 19, 2008

A calmness has come over me and has not waned. Gary said, despite not being fully ready but definitely MORE ready, let’s proceed with the first steps. Tomorrow I head to the Dept of Motor Vehicles with my newly retrieved marriage license and will change my name on my driver license to be officially Karp. I am awaiting my next utility bill proving my address – should come any day now. Then I head to the 63rd precinct to get fingerprinted for my home study. I will then send those fingerprint cards in with my $500 check and I will officially be on the bus. Passports will be gotten shortly thereafter especially as we need them for a trip to Turqs and Caicos this summer. I am following a calling, I am no longer in my way. I am ready to enter this chapter in my life, and I feel it in every cell of my Stephness.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.... Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain 1835-1910

I AM READY!

Being Still

Today I had a one hour phone consultation with a life coach, someone I affectionately call "jen mac" -- an all around great person who has inspired me in so many ways, has enabled me to crack wide open and discover so much about myself that I never even knew was there, or rather was afraid to confront. She teaches a series of inspirational courses for women -- I can't say enough about her. If anyone is interested, feel free to ask me more.

I was hoping for clarity in the form of Jen Mac acting as my crystal ball, to tell me, of course this is what you should be doing and when and how. Instead, she suggested something to me that I have not done. It made me ill at ease when she first said this, but yet in reality, I knew it was something that must be done. She suggested simply being still for a certain period of time. For the past year, I have literally exhausted myself with late night blog reading, adoption agency research, international adoption forum reading and adoptive parenting books. I have visited families, emailed at length, spoken for *hours* to others, have stayed up late to get time to speak to families on the west coast. I have picked peoples brains, asked questions and then more questions. Told family and friends, been accosted by fears and still moved forward. And in all this time, I now am certain of the agency we will use (Journey Home), the homestudy social worker we will use (Judy Schwartz with Heart to Heart Adoptions), travel medications we will need to prepare for international travel thanks to a $300 consult with a holistic pediatrician, the person who will travel with us to watch my kids during visits and court time (my brother, Brian and possibly Kim as she so kindly suggested) and the country -- Kazakhstan. Despite it possibly seeming that no forward action was made in the fact that no application has been signed, it couldn't be further from the truth. Somehow during this time, I got Gary to agree to this wild ride, feeling passionately for the children, but yet not feeling the passion that I do for this process. It's almost like a whirlwind came in (in the form of little old me) and he had no choice but to acquiesce.

Jen Mac pointed out something to me that resonated and really struck a chord. In recent months, I am on a certain timeline not really dictated by anything that is in tune with what my spirit/heart says. For a long time now, I kept coming up with random dates to speak to Gary and with which to move forward. Then recently, I decided that we "must know" by April 28th or thereafter because Eden was turning 3. Then I was getting antsy because I wanted my kids to be a certain distance in age together and I would soon be past that point. Then I was itching to move forward because Gary is 47 and I feared him aging out of the program before we decided to do anything. What did these dates really mean?

So my assignment from Jen, and one that I will do, is to be still with my thoughts for a while. No blogging, no researching, no outward steps. Forego all the dates I thought dictated the pace of my life. Forego this crazy rush to know by Eden's birthday which is 3 days from now. Just be.

Providing that there are no crazy surprises (other than the typical crazy surprises) I still have a vision of us a little down the road as family of five, traveling to Disneyland with a little boy in a blue stroller wearing a baseball cap who has round cheeks and almond shaped eyes and is adored by his sisters. Dad is on a ride called Jumping Jellyfish with Eden and Emma while I wait contentedly on the bench right next to its entrance pointing up to them and showing our little boy where his sisters are. Yes, this is my romantic vision.

I appreciate the posts from everyone. What cheerleaders we are comprised of. And how humbled I am by your good wishes. My dear friend Kim, you have left me speechless. How could I be so lucky?

I said I would lay low once before and never did because I just love this forum and the people I am surrounded by. But I have to do this for me for a little while. I now have all my ducks in a row and I just want my heart and Gary's to catch up at a pace that feels absolutely right for us. So what if the girls are a little bit older? Will Gary really age us out? I don't know the answers, though I have some questions about that in to Journey Home. It may be days, or weeks, or a little longer until we feel that perhaps a child has been born that is ready for us, and we for him. Until then, I will do the thing I have had trouble doing for too long of a time now, probably in many aspects of my life. Such a huge decision, this is definitely one that deserves this stillness in order that everything happens exactly as it was meant to be with no rules, no dictations, no timelines.

It might be a while until I post again, but when I do, it will absolutely be with something concrete. If any readers would like me to send an email when I do post, please leave your comment here. You can also sign up to be alerted through one of my links.

I will still be following along with your journeys, especially those so close, and wish you all the best. I hope you'll all still be here when I post again.

Till next time ...

I have never been this spiritual in my life but here are some quotes I'll be living by for the next little while.

"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen.
Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice,
it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
- Franz Kafka

"I hope you'll hear what I'm about to tell you. I hope you'll hear it all the way down to your toes. When you're waiting, you're not doing nothing. You're doing the most important something there is. You're allowing your soul to grow up. If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what G-d created you to be."
-- Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits

Updates Gratitude List

I am grateful for the wonderful get-together my family and I had with the Tarpey and Caswell families last week -- for hospitality, for new friends, for feeling like you have known people for a long time before, for finally seeing in real life who I have only seen in photos, for yet again having the pleasure of meeting two more Kaz cuties -- Dylan and Henry.

Eden, Emma and Dylan

Henry


I am grateful for connections I have found through writing my own blog and through reading those of others. I am not an adoptive parent yet, but I have been so welcomed and supported. It is remarkable to be cocooned in the unbelievable kindness of others, the resources, the encouragement, the information, the empathy. In addition to having an amazing network of friends and loved ones in my life, I do feel I now have wonderful friends nationwide -- I am truly blessed.

I am grateful for another bout of anxiety (an elephant decided to sit on my chest for a few days and a snake decided to twist into my stomach) that occurred last week because when I came out the other side what resulted was a greater sense of conviction that I am following a path that truly is intended for our family. I know this now!

I am grateful that Carolyn asked me why I hadn't blogged in a while and if everything was okay. I realize now that staying away didn't serve me or anyone else. It's okay if my blog isn't always pretty. This is real life, and fear and anxiety doesn't have to be edited out. I hope my thoughts can one day help others as others have helped me -- to know that amidst the feelings of peace and calm, fear and doubt is normal and that it is very possible to ride it out and continue to follow your heart.

I am grateful for daily family discussions about "when" and no longer "if" and "should we."

I am grateful to not really know when this transition happened -- it was almost like those sunglasses that gradually get darker when you step outside. Look where we are now.

I am grateful that my husband and I look outward in the same direction.

I am grateful that my children have been a big influence in that they truly desire another sibling. I am also grateful that without ever telling them, they have been discreet before any official decisions have been made.

I am grateful for hearing from the Poston family and their excitement for the progress we have made -- The first adoption connection I ever made (back in Sept 2007), the first family that ever truly opened up to us with open arms, the Postons will always hold a special place in the heart of our family.

I am grateful for an appointment with a Life Coach for this coming Thursday -- the very same woman whose class I took one year ago in which I first discovered that my deeply buried, but still very much alive, dream was to one day adopt a child into our lives. I am very excited to come full circle after one year and with the hope of coming out of this conversation with even greater clarity. (I have to give a shout out to Jen Macaluso-Gilmore and this class that taught me the power of realizing my dreams --- www.somethingdifferentnyc.com)

I am grateful to have three home study agencies to choose from -- and to know that shortly a decision will be made about who to proceed with and when to sign on the dotted line for the first huge step in our journey to 5.

I am grateful that as of today, I can say that no doubt about it, Emma is officially a two-wheel bike rider!

I am grateful to soak up the last few days of Eden being 2, for all the days I get to see my little girls growing up.

I am grateful for my parents, for all that has shaped me to grow up to be the person I am today.

I am grateful for my family of four; for all that I am, all that I have and all that is yet to be.

Steph

Quote for the day

"When I'm old I'm never going to say, "I didn't do this" or "I regret that."
I'm going to say, "I don't regret a damn thing. I came, I went, I did it all."
(Kim Basinger, B. 1953)

Next Day

Yesterday after I picked Eden up from nursery school, I surprised her with a visit to the local playground. It was a beautiful sunny day, felt like spring here in Brooklyn, finally. I watched Eden carefully, enjoying her squeals of delight on the swing, her surprised laughter while going down the slide. She was happy. Later on, after she had gone to bed, Emma and I watched American Idol Gives Back. Gave us an opportunity to talk about charity, how we live compared to how others live. We donated $25 to the causes and I let her be part of the phone call. When Gary walked in she said "Daddy, we just helped children get clean water!!" She was so happy and proud. These are important lessons to learn.

I watched Randy Pausch on Diane Sawyer last night. A man who is dying but whose lesson to us all is on how to live. Check out his "Last Lecture" on youtube if you haven't seen it already. It is inspiring.

Today, we began the process of clearing out the internal memory on our digital video recorder so we can begin recording again. I just put in new batteries in my audio recorder so I can begin interviewing my children again. (If you haven't done this with your kids, try it. Even to get their cries, their babble, and then first words. They love hearing it play back and years later, to hear the progression ... it's pretty remarkable.)

Why my sudden sense of nostalgia, my desire to capture this and hold on tight? Part of this process? Or part of my own personal process? (Or simply PMS?? Hey, who knows!)

Left message for one homestudy social worker and wound up speaking for 40 minutes to one who happened to answer right away. She is originally from Brooklyn, we shared that same Brooklyn vibe. An adoptive parent herself to 4 children (now 14, 16, 17 and 21) she has a lot of experience with the process. I looked over the requirements. Lots to think about, answer, write. But many of the documents seem doable in a more timely manner, so I can actually feel like I will have made some headway soon.

I have been thinking lately -- When am I officially "on the bus?" Is there a piece of paperwork, an application, or a time during this process (perhaps when the dossier is complete?) that you feel "official" or is being official when your heart says it is.

To have the next steps in my hands feels very good I have to say. My eyes tear up sometimes thinking about it. My friend Jen asked if it was because I feel a dream coming true very soon. It feels so much more complicated than that. I think my tears have a multitude of meaning -- the enormity of what we are about to do, the thoughts of the children waiting, has a child been born who waits for us, the fear of the unknown, the worry over reactions of important people in our lives, the knowledge that this is a lifelong journey, not just 8 weeks to Central Asia. And yes, maybe there are some tears because a dream might soon be coming true. Tears that I have the moxie, the courage, the "chutzpah", to follow the direction in which my heart is being led.

Passage of Time

I'm grieving over old baby clothing. I came across some clothing stored away that I had not seen in two years. Why then the sudden sense of loss when I realized it was time to relinquish these adorable outfits and onesies to people who might need them more? After Emma was born, I kept all her favorite outfits because I hoped there would be an opportunity for me to have another daughter. Less than 3 years later, Eden came along. I had the pleasure of seeing her in some of the very same outfits. When I look at the pile, I can no longer remember if Eden or Emma wore it first. There are shared memories between the two of them.

Now, as I make the decision to adopt (most likely a boy should it go as planned), I think it's time to let go. I have a heavy heart and I know, realistically, it's not about the clothing. It's about passage of time, moving on, the loss of my fat pudgy round cheeked daughters who have been replaced by long lean string beans with hands and feet that look like children's hands, not a baby. As my good friend gave birth last night to her first baby, the reality sets in that I am choosing another way.

As Eden is almost 3 in two more weeks, I feel the need to videotape her more in her final days of being two. I feel the need to audiorecord her 2 year old voice so that I can have it forever in my ear when I need to be brought back to this time in my life. This time in her life.

I want to spend more time with my children. I am at home with them, but I want to be more present to this precious and short lived time in our lives. I want the summer to go slowly ...

And even if we were to add another daughter to our lives, all these years later, despite most of the outfits being pristine, it might be time to get new things anyway.

Emma and I sifted through the pile last night together. I held up these pink soft GAP pants and kissed them "mwah! mwah! mwah! mwah! MWAH!" I said "I'm just kissing your little baby clothing!" And my smart, level headed not yet 6 year old dear daughter replied "But you can kiss me now." And she leaned towards me for a hug and a kiss.

Today I will be calling two home study agencies to inquire about their services. Time to lighten my heavy heart and move forward.

First Official Document

Today I went into Manhattan with my dad and got my first official document needed for my dossier. The fact was that I needed to replace my missing marriage certificate for many years already, and at this point didn't want to wait the 8 weeks if I did it via mail. From my research, I knew that one document that was needed for an adoption dossier was an extended form marriage certificate. Knowing that I'd be at the very office I needed to be for this, I thought it was best to get that as well. Why not? It was $48 total for the adoption form and all it's certifications. I had told myself prior to today, if we don't proceed, it was a small price to pay to at least have one document complete out of the many that will be needed -- just in case! We all know deep down I just wanted to start the official journey already ;-) Now I finally know my official last name. For the past TEN years, I actually thought I had kept my maiden name with my husband's last name. Now I finally know who I am! ;-) And will change my IDs accordingly.

We were gone three hours door to door. I had to go to the Office of the City Clerk at 1 Centre Street to get my birth certificate (long form and the short forms I wanted for personal use), then on to the Supreme Court building at 60 Centre Street to have it notarized, and then on to 123 Williams Street to have it apostilled**. I have to admit that during this process, I was alone, my dad waiting in the car, and as I went up the elevator towards my first stop, my eyes are just welling up with tears. While waiting for my name to be called to go onto the next window, I'm wiping at my eyes which won't stop leaking, watching as people are being called in to the wedding chapel, not believing that I'm really there for this reason. At the apostilling location, I had to write the country this form was needed for. As I wrote "Kazhakstan" in strong thoughtful letters, it felt very real and very meaningful.

I know I'll need more forms done and my father was just so helpful. On a super practical note, what makes it even more helpful is that, due to his heart issues, he has a disabled pass that enables him to park ANYWHERE. I asked if he could help another time and he said "Whatever needs to be done." And we did our signature knuckle punch. My dad is really something special. I remember him picking me up from places at 2am when I was a teenager. He's the only dad that would do that, and he'd drop all my friends home where they needed to be. I know he can't travel with us as he'd once mentioned, but he will be part of so much that will make it all come to fruition.

On the way home, crossing the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw Lady Liberty in the distance holding her torch up high. Some sort of feeling was bubbling up inside me and these thoughts came into my head "We're coming for you Sweetie. Mommy's coming!"

Now this is not even official yet but there's no turning back now for me.

I stopped at Gary's office on the way home and he seemed impressed with the apostille sheet. So here we are, the happy mom and dad, with our first official paperwork. It was a very special moment, I have to say. Gary seemed happy, and I know that we're now just moving forward and I guess the adoption application is very soon to follow. That to me symbolizes officially "official."



On another note, this week I told my brother and niece and nephew that this is where our hearts are. My nephew who is 7 seems especially excited.

Today, when I called my mom at work to tell her I got the paperwork and how I feel it's getting real, her voice filled with tears and she told me "Don't get me started at work." My mother, aka The Waterworks (but I guess like mother, like daughter!), is getting excited about this venture. Now that she has finally started reading my blog, she can't get enough ;-)

**Apostille: A simplified and standardized form that is used for the purpose of providing a certification of certain public documents relating to adoption, including notarized documents, that is used in countries that are in compliance with the provisions of the Hague Convention. This simplified form contains standardized numbered fields of certain common and essential types of information, which allows the data to be understood by all participating countries regardless of the official language of the issuing country. The completed apostille form certifies the authenticity of the signature on the documents, the capacity in which the person signing the documents has acted, and identifies the seal and/or stamp that the document bears. Documents needed for inter-country adoptions require the attachment of an apostille, rather than authentication forms, if the foreign country is a participant in the Hague Convention.