Thoughts

My father's spirits seem improved, more matter of fact. He will most likely have surgery after Thanksgiving. There is much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.



Yesterday I ran into my husband's very good friend whom I have not seen in 11 months. He later told my husband that his wife is pregnant with their 4th child. God bless her -- how does she do it? I used to wish for 4 children but the idea of pregnancy and it's processes does not sit well with me. I have been extremely ill for both of my pregnancies and put on medication (that chemotherapy patients take for nausea) for this last one as I was vomiting and tearing my esophogus for almost the full 9 months. Pregnancy, this wonderful miracle, debilitates me. With the age my children are now and with their specific emotional needs that are unique to us, plus my recent discovery of some hormonal issues that are just now getting regulated with medication, I am finally at a place to say that I physically feel very well for the first time in 3.5 years. But even still, hearing about a miraculous pregnancy, knowing I have 3 friends about to give birth shortly, does give me pause. But then my mind wanders to my own thoughts of this special secret we have not shared fully yet. Yes, birth is truly is a miracle and I do feel blessed to have experienced the miracle of pregnancy and birth twice in my life. And now I'm eager to experience a different kind of miracle.

Well, on the update side, Gary did talk to his friend yesterday about our possible plans. I guess it was tit for tat. You tell me you are expected your 4th child and I'll tell you that we are considering adoption. Gary did say that "we" are considering, not what I had feared he would say "Stephanie wants ..." His friend said that adoption is something he could never do, "it's not his own kid, etc etc" and I was amazed at the pretty impactful and smart responses Gary gave. (I was not there but Gary told me what he said.)

Two days ago a dresser for my youngest daughter arrived from Pottery Barn Kids. I love that store. It is an espresso brown. Looks beautiful with her pink room. But will also look equally lovely with a beautiful blue. My two girls are also eager to get bunk beds and share a room soon. I am putting this off for safety reasons now, but in terms of space in this small but cozy and warm house of ours, I think we can make this work.

Reality

My father's health is ailing and his spirits are down. I can't imagine that there is a possibility of pursuing this and having his full support but him not being there to witness it. The other day when I was so happy to have shared this with my parents, he even asked detailed questions about the trip insinuating that he would definitely come with us to help with the kids, to be there for us. But it's his health issues that really prevent either him or my mother, for that matter, from coming. He must be near the best hospitals here in NYC, not across the other side of the world. But he's such a good dad I know he'd be there for me in a second if I needed him, as he has been there for me always.

Feeling a bit sad and numb but we won't know anything more until tomorrow.

On the positive side Gary is coming around. Slowly but surely.

A Happy Heart

In the past many months, we have brought up periodically to friends and family that we are going to consider adoption. But it's not a topic that gets brought up a lot. Perhaps because I want to keep it private where it remains a very positive thing for me. When it is brought up, I sometimes have to brace myself for opinions that are counter to mine. I used to think that if no one asked me questions about my thoughts about adoption they just weren't interested fully in what I had to say. Perhaps I wasn't even sure how to express what I felt and people sensed that. So it's been weeks and months since I have mentioned it, except to some people here and there, and definitely more recently. Some people, I have discovered, just wait for you to open up to them when they feel you are ready. And so it was today when I decided to bring up the topic to my parents.

For over an hour, I shared my thoughts, spoke about my experiences researching, showed my notes and spoke about concerns, shared some of my favorite blogs and YouTube videos, spoke about the good and the unknowns, and spoke about my beliefs on the topic.

I had been holding off telling my dad about my adoption thoughts until I was more sure. I was fairly certain he would be great about it but wanted to be more sure, nonetheless. But I found out today that my mom had already discussed it with him. That was huge because it meant it was something serious that warranted discussion. My dad, bless his heart, said he fully supports me. He seemed to think it was wonderful (especially when I told him that it was his own Romanian parents who had been my impetus), and the idea of adoption seemed to be something he seemd proud of. He said that come what may (in regards to the health of the child) there would be no questions, "you just love that child as you have you daughters." My mother later on, after asking questions and becoming more educated, said "I support you 100%!!!!" whatever I choose to do.

Either my parents are and have been more progressive than I gave them credit for or they are following the lead of their more unconventional daughter. Either way, I can't express how much of a weight is lifted off my shoulders that I decided to open up to them in greater detail about the research and thought I have been actively putting into this decision the past two months. Being that I began thinking about it and doing light research back in April, it really has been a long 8 month process. No one would ever be able to say that I went into this hastily.

My contacts at Journey Home, an agency we are strongly considering, have been a great source of support in this very early stage of my decisions. One wrote me an email yesterday that told me how remarkable my diligence and research has been throughout this whole process, and how I am asking all the right questions and am really at a place where I know the wonderful, but also the possibly unforeseen outcomes now, as opposed to later, and that I would actually be a great resource to others. Nothing will come as a surprise to me (well hopefully not.) I have been taking my research so seriously.

It seems my parents are concerned if 3 kids in general is biting off more than I can chew, not that adoption is the issue here. I laughed and agreed! That's one reason why I'm not rushing now. It would be helpful if my youngest daughter was closer to 4 by the time she became a big sister. But we'll see what happens as we progress. I am also hoping that my husband will segue out of working 6 days a week sooner rather than later. The perils of owning his own business, but it's somthing, that thanks to a better routine this year, has gotten easier to manage for me.

So although Gary is softening to the situation in a way I never expected (wanted to sponsor an older child's education for now being one huge step), he is not at a place yet to decide if this is totally for us. But yet everything he says and does (the fact that he is so willing to pick up and add a visit to our Georgia friends into our vacation) is showing me that he is seriously considering this in his own way too. It's probably the travel and being away from work that concerns him, but when I say to him "Picture having this child and telling him or her that we almost didn't come to get you because you didn't want to be away from photographing the Goldmans and Shwartzes Bar Mitzvahs" he totally gets it.

Regardless of what ultimately transpires, I feel very content to have opened up to my parents and very blessed to have their continued and loving support. Thank you!!!

Also, I was giving this blog thing some thought. So far I have mentioned this blog to 2 or 3 people perhaps. I don't even know if they have checked it past that one time I had mentioned it. I have no idea if anyone out in blog world has even read this blog. I originally began a blog hoping for divine intervention, hoping that I'd write this blog and get support from others and it would be okay for me to move forward. But tonight especially I realized I got support from the people (outside of my family unit) who mean the most to me, my parents. I don't need support from blog viewers, although that would be amazing because I do feel the support from the adoptive parents I have met. I write for myself, I guess. Something I have always done in my own personal journals anyway. I write to record a moment in time, to record transformations that take place both externally and within me, and to chart the very beginning stages of what I hope will be an amazing journey.

I hope that if there is anyone in my situation reading this now or ever, that perhaps I can offer some guidance as well. But until then I think it's only been myself who checks my profiles, so it's still like I'm just writing to myself. And that is fine by me.

S

Strength and Conviction

My resolve is strengthening. The more I know I feel the more I can never turn back. I know too much. If I changed my mind now it would almost be as if I left my child there.

The more people share with me, the more I feel connected to these parents and the more I seem to share. I feel it is a very close knit community of adoptive parents. I am not in this community yet but I have been so welcomed. Last night, one mom who I spoke to on the phone for 103 minutes (couldn't believe it when I hung up that the phone showed that much time had passed) told me that no matter what happens in my decisions, she would love to know the outcome of the path we choose. And I absolutely will share this with all those who have paved the way for me -- again, regardless of what happens.

The mom last night also had a biological daughter and told me that she wondered if perhaps God meant for them to only have one child and if adoption was the right decision for her. The way she would know is that she would continue doing the research and keep moving forward and if there were no road blocks and the next step lead to the next step, then it was meant to be.

Well, my resolve has been tested a few times. I don't have so much support in my life in regards to this, but maybe it's because I haven't opened up my heart enough yet to express my true desires and no one really believes me. But yet my husband is now very interested in sponsoring the education of an older child (a huge step!!) and he continues to listen to all my reports from research and conversations with others. And yet, despite a little break for me (I got burnt out a bit on all my late night searches and contacts) I continue to move forward, I continue to feel that adoption is one of the greatest things for the world, continue to feel that a child would be lucky to have us and we to have him/her and I continue to feel that this is the way we are going to build our family.

I am very excited to be able to visit with our friends in Georgia as part of our vacation this December. This just worked our perfectly as we'll be seeing relatives in Georgia too. No road blocks here either. The plans just seemed to happen very naturally. I would love to meet face to face these people who have been so instrumental as we began the decision making process. To meet in person the daughter whose photo first caught my eye in April 2007 because she reminded me of my own daughter. To see our two daughters play together.

How unbelievable is modern technology that it bridges families and forms friendships in such a unique way. It is really remarkable that a simple email to a stranger two months ago will result in us getting to spend some time together as families. I feel very grateful!

Slowing Down

I have definitely slowed down. My thoughts on the amazingness of adoption is still there. My intensely focused research into it is not. This is a good thing. I sort of feel like I've had some cold water thrown onto me. Recently I came across some websites with very unfortunate circumstances that transpired. I believe they are rare, yet absolutely heartbreaking nonetheless. I had two days of feeling sort of down in regards to what I read. Nothing that makes me turn away from adoption, but rather the opposite. I think more about how desperate the conditions often are. The reality of these specific people's situations and the tragedies that befell their children were so sobering to me. I think it was the step back I needed.

However, I still need to make a few more calls to some people I've met. I still do read all the emails from my yahoo groups.

I received an email about taking a child in for the holidays. It's obviously in hopes that you'll want to adopt that older child. I can't imagine a child coming and having a great time with your family and you send them back to the orphanage.

This morning I told Gary about this program, how great it is, not something we would do now, but just to talk about it.

He is so sensitive my dear man. He said "We are in a position to do really great things, and it's just so scary. But when I think about our kids and the chance for them to come to America (if they were the ones in an orphanage) I would just want to do something. Those older kids are the ones who really need help. Look into this!"

I couldn't believe it. I hugged him and hugged him, just because he really is such a good, loving, kind hearted man. Precisely what I saw in him way back when.

Giving Him Time

Yes, we spoke about giving him some time and a date was set that we'd revisit the idea of adoption again. But so many nights I want to share with my dear husband things I learned that day. I'm just looking through some agency web sites and coming across various interesting articles.

Last night he crumpled up his face with upset when I read to him from a letter that told what the options were for children who were not adopted by age 13. I guess he imagines our own girls living such a life and it breaks his heart. He wanted to know what the "forgotten ages" are. Most people want as young a baby as possible. Many older adoptive parents take an older child. Is there an age that sort of gets bypassed in the mix?

When I think of my dear sweet girl, just 2 1/2, I would want to take home someone her age to protect that innocence and inquisitiveness that I see in her. But in reality, I think a younger child would pose fewer acclimation risks which would in turn be easier for my girls to get to know a new member of the family, and vice versa.

Today I spoke to another great contact who has been a social worker in the field of adoption for many years. She has two biological boys and is in the process of adopting her daughter from Kazakhstan. She was so informative and great to speak to, as she also feels compelled to adopt into her family while having biological kids as well. She was wise and had great points. I just wish it wasn't for the fact that I fear us "aging out" of the Kaz program. But she really drove home the point for me to lay low on my husband for now, as it really should come and derive from him as if he thought of the idea himself. She pointed out that I wouldn't want to be resented by my husband if god forbid something were to happen that we didn't expect in regards to the new child.

She is so wise, so right. I want this adoption to come from both of us, if it is to come from us at all. If it is to be, it will be. So therefore, I relinquish it to the powers that be ...

Generosity of Others

Thanks to the generosity of others who have gone before me or are in the process now, I have had a lot of contact with those who enjoy sharing their story. It is getting over whelming for me. I feel like someone who is dating too many people and is screwing up names or important facts on each date they are on. With one woman, I said "What part of New Jersey are you in?" and she told me she was in Washington state. yikes!

These moms are being so generous with me, with emails, shared blogs, offers of phone calls. I began a list with all my contacts and their information and how I found them so that I can get all my ducks in a row, so to speak.

Still a few more calls will be made this week. This "laying low" business, it's just not working for me because I have discovered that research and contacts begets research and contacts. It is never ending and absolutely great. And tiring.

And so it's off to bed after a great Halloween with my girls. Feeling very content with where I am in my life right now. I don't feel desperate to have a third child. Rather, I feel so blessed, so grateful and so content that it feels very very right to open our arms and hearts wide to accept another child into our lives. Will my plate be full? Yes, very full. But they are not babies forever, and a big family is really what I always wanted later on down the road. It will be worth it in the end.

Life is good.